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Thread: Can Someone Please Explain This?

  1. #1
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    Default Can Someone Please Explain This?

    I've been a lurker here for awhile but this question has been making me wonder for awhile now.

    BF is a strip club regular. He's the nerdy, quiet type type who doesn't have much experience with women. He initially started going for companionship and because he didn't know how to talk to women and at the SC women approach him. Plus being a bit sexually frustrated and the dances didn't hurt. He thought these women were all his friends. I understand why the dancers hand out their numbers and email. He regularly meets with a few OTC; usually for dinner or lunch.

    He thinks he dated a few dancers but the details of the story don't sound like a real date because none of the women would let him touch or kiss them, the dates were typically just dinners before work, etc. In one case he was invited to a nightclub but asked to leave shortly into it.

    The part I don't understand is what is going on here. Many dancers in this situation would probably want to be compensated more than a free meal (and most of the meals are not at expensive places). They send him random emails or texts about their lives. He hasn't been frequenting the clubs as often lately so some have dropped off but a few still remain.

    One dancer tends to use him whenever she's in trouble for rides and most recently asked for a 'loan' he'll probably never get back so I see her hustle even if he still thinks she's his friend. One is moving back to the area soon so she's probably trying to keep her regulars in contact for when she moves back.

    I'm not getting what the other couple of dancers are getting out of this as they are not being compensated for their time and don't seem to be asking for anything.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    Rather than speculate, I'll ask you straight - what do you think and how do you feel about your relationship?
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    I have a question, why are you okay with him doing things like this? Personally I would find it to be crossing a boundary; even if it is platonic they are still likely using him (though they plainly aren't very good at hustling him out of more than free meals). He shouldn't be regularly taking out any girl but you to lunch IMHO. It's weird you even seem to know so much about their personal lives.

    The other girls may be biding their time until they need something/want him to come to their club. I will do that with regulars sometimes, send them random texts just to keep the impression up that I like them as a person... so then it's not like they're only getting texts from me when I want them to come into the club. It's kind of a 'long game'.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    As far fetched as this story sounds, I'll respond as if I believe it to be true...

    You should be a lot less worried about the motivations of these girls and a lot more worried about what is motivating him. For starters, you don't know what they are actually getting from him or doing for him, just what he tells you. But even if everything he tells you is true, then at the very least he is doing all of this because he likes the attention. Do you really want to hook your wagon to a guy who has such a weak and attention hungry personality? And again, this is the best case scenario. Worse scenarios include the potential that he is lying to you about what he is doing with some of these girls.

    Anyway, just my fwiw.

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    Bahuba - Good point. I feel good about it other than this because I initially didn't get the full story from him. I've dated in poly before (we're not) so jealousy isn't the issue. He knows I like kinky stuff and have brought exes to clubs. Going behind my back was the issue. I met the main dancer early who communicates with him early on in our relationship and have joined their lunches/dinners most of the time. The others were a surprise to me.

    Selina - I think you're probably right. I really doubt these women want to be his friends. Some have exposed their true colors but some haven't yet. I don't get the pint of free meals. I don't even want to date regular guys for free meals.

    I am not OK with it actually but it's something I want him to do himself rather than do it for me and hide it. Above everything I want to be able to make an educated choice as to what I'm dealing with. I knew about the initial dancer and tried to keep an open mind not to judge her based on her profession and just tried to get to know her better by joining them. But the others were a surprise and something he very nearly got dumped over. If he wants to act like a single guy, I told him I'm happy to let him have that life. He has voluntarily given up the clubs, hasn't reached out to anyone, and has told me about the one who has, and has done a 180 in how he treats me. I'm waiting to see if it takes but it's been a few months and no signs of lapsing so far.

    We have the stories the dancers tell us about their personal lives but both of us don't think have the stories they tell us are necessarily true although there may be parts that are.

    Rick - It is true. My friends think I'm nuts and I have guys hitting on me in front of him offering to take his place. I didn't come here to go over my relationship. I was trying to understand what was going on because it didn't seem like much of a hustle but I also wasn't getting the sense anything was genuine. I know for me, I don't want to go on a date with a guy over a free meal so I really don't get why a dancer would unless it could lead to something else.

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    When I danced I had a couple nerdy guys from the club I would hang out with on occasion. I probably would not do that this time around, Who knows what the motivation is but there is probably a piece to this puzzle we are missing.
    XoXo Gia
    Danielle Fishell (the Dish): "If the Super-Star thing doesn't work out, Gia makes a great stripper name"

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    Some people are just bored and like to have pen pals/text pals or dinner pals. People you just use as calendar fillers. Nothing deep or emotional just killing time. Not everyone is a finanacial hustler.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mabel View Post
    Rick - It is true. My friends think I'm nuts and I have guys hitting on me in front of him offering to take his place. I didn't come here to go over my relationship. I was trying to understand what was going on because it didn't seem like much of a hustle but I also wasn't getting the sense anything was genuine. I know for me, I don't want to go on a date with a guy over a free meal so I really don't get why a dancer would unless it could lead to something else.
    I'm guessing that these girls are getting something from it, even if it is just a free meal and a ride to work or keeping him on the hook for in club spending. I'm also guessing that you're getting a half-ass version of the truth from him. IME, every girl has her own unique motivations and values her time differently, depending largely on her individual circumstances. Since we don't know these girls or your BF or what is actually happening, trying to answer your questions will result in nothing more than pointless and endless speculation.

    IMHO you really need to seek these answers from him. Apparently he has stopped for now, or at least that's what he told you. But if it starts again then all that matters is whether you are ok with him doing these things, which I suspect are a lot less innocent than the stories that he is spin doctoring for you.

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    Mabel - IMHO this isn't about poly, or putting any names on it, it is about do you trust him and are you happy. If you came all the way to this site it means two things: One, it is bugging you; two, you don't feel you're getting the full story. Could you have a conversation with him and tell him this is bugging you and you feel the need for a full diagram? If he's a good partner he'll be ok with that.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Can Someone Please Explain This?

    If he's your BF, why aren't you his major sexual interest?
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

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