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Thread: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

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    Senior Member starburst's Avatar
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    Default Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Apologies for the pretty long post. I just feel like I need to write about this.


    Moved to another state two years ago and left everyone behind. Enrolled in college, and my fiance (25) decided to enroll the semester after. He befriended a girl - (lets call her Tara) in one of his classes, and the second the semester ended, his phone started to blow up. (side note about Tara, she has been in a relationship for 6 years and is 22.)

    At first, I didn't really know how to respond. For someone that very rarely texts or calls people, him taking a new leaf on this girl caught me kind of off guard. While we were away on vacation, it would be from the second he woke up - to the second he fell asleep. I was happy that he found someone he could talk to, but I think the constant communication rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, I responded negatively to the whole thing because I am a sucky female, and kind of assumed that she had intentions further then just a platonic friendship.

    Fast forward a few days later and I ask politely to see his messages. I didn't like what I found.

    "Just get a passport and we'll go to canada." - him
    "You're a craft beer because craft beers are my favorite." - her
    "Buy me something pretty while you're there" - her
    "Can you get an STD from anal? Asking for a friend :X" - her

    My first blow up was him inviting her to a different country without even saying a peep about it. I kind of lost it with that one. The rest of what I shared, I declared a pretty bold judgement that she is an attention whore. Let me continue.

    She made it pretty well-known to him that her home life "sucks," her dad "beats her and calls her a bitch," her dad that "beats her" also "laid her off" from her landscaping job and now she can't pay for college, and the list continues.

    Okay - maybe these things are true and they are absolutely horrible. I just find it hard to comprehend why she pulled these cards when her getting abused clearly isn't happening now (she lives with her Grandma.) And, personally, I've had a pretty shitty upbringing. When I am just getting to know someone after having a class with them, I can't say these are things that I'd just broadcast to someone. To me, it just seems like she's looking for a white knight since her boyfriend clearly isn't giving her the feedback and attention she needs. I COULD BE WRONG. Maybe she copes with this kind of stuff differently and maybe she has to talk about it.

    Side note- Tara was reluctant to meet me, but I did wind up meeting her with her boyfriend and my fiance. I don't feel threatened by her appearence, but her clear lack of emotional boundaries.

    She made a suicide threat last week. Her exact words were, "Nobody will come drive to my aunts house to keep me company." At first, fiance declined. But - I feel like she must've said something to guilt him into going - and he went.

    He is well aware of my feelings of the situation and I'm holding true on my words of calling her an attention whore. But - I wanted feedback from you ladies to see if I did cross boundaries and if I am truly in the wrong. We have been fighting about this for a month. He claims that they are friends. I get that men and women can be platonic friends. I do understand that. But there's something nagging at me, something that I can't seem to let go of. No - I do not want my fiance to myself. I want him to go out and have friends and etc. And yes - I do trust him. I feel like the underlying feeling is uncertainty of her.

    Side note- Tara cheated on her boyfriend a year ago.

    I'm sorry this is choppy - there's alot to say about it, and I'm not the best at organizing my thoughts.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    God/dess seashell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    I think your instincts are right. This sounds almost like an emotional affair, where she and your boyfriend are more invested in their friendship than is appropriate, considering they're both already in relationships. It sounds like she's pushing his boundaries and he's giving in. We don't know everything about the situation, but I don't think you're being a "sucky woman," I think you're asking the questions anyone else would ask.

    It's good that your boyfriend is communicating about everything. He sounds like a decent guy.

    I would explain to him how uncomfortable it makes you, and talk about what boundaries you both should have with opposite-sex friends. See if you can come to an agreement on how he will handle his friendship with her in the future.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    First off, you are not remotely out of line. This is unacceptable behavior from a guy who is in a relationship. And let's be crystal clear, Tara isn't the real problem. Your fiance is the real problem here. At the very least, he likes the attention. At worst he has already fucked around with her. The truth could be somewhere in the middle or even both.

    Unfortunately this is the type of crap that happens when boys and girls try to be "friends" as adults. More often than not there is some sexual tension underneath the surface, at least for the guys involved. It is amazing how few 300 lb girls with ugly faces have guy "friends" hanging around - there is a reason for that.

    If he wants buddies, he should hang out with his guy friends. If he wants girl "friends" who he can take to Canada and explore anal sex with, then maybe it is time to cut him loose.

    Anyway, sorry this is happening and good luck as you work through this.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Cut the line.

    Tie on a new hook, bait it and throw it in on the other side of the boat.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    So many good responses.

    I wasn't about to come down hard on Tara until I read about the suicide threat. OK. At this point, it's obvious she has way more problems than attention from guys (who may or may not be her boyfriend) will fix.

    Your man is messing up here. With you around he has an excuse to stop listening to this shit. Tell him to Backbone Up & tell her to get counseling.

    edit to add- YES she is an attention whore.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    you have been way more calm and cool about this than i would be! this is completely inappropriate IMO, and that's coming from someone who's boyfriend has a lot more female friends than male, which i have no problem with because i totally think that men and women can sometimes be friends. but this just isn't right and you are completely justified in feeling how you do. texting day and night while you two are on vacation? that would weird me out and piss me off even if it was a guy. and the canada thing? just the entire nature of their "friendship" seems off to me. and the fact that some of those inappropriate comments were made by him lead me to believe he knows damn well it isn't totally platonic. id say give him a chance to cut ties with this person or leave him. also, yes, she is very clearly an attention whore, either just to him since she clearly likes him or possibly in general.


    eta: in these situations i always think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself.. how would HE feel if you were texting another guy like this? i would bet the answer is no, so why should you allow it? if you think he would actually be ok with that i guess that's a different story

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl Anachronism View Post
    you have been way more calm and cool about this than i would be! this is completely inappropriate IMO, and that's coming from someone who's boyfriend has a lot more female friends than male, which i have no problem with because i totally think that men and women can sometimes be friends. but this just isn't right and you are completely justified in feeling how you do. texting day and night while you two are on vacation? that would weird me out and piss me off even if it was a guy. and the canada thing? just the entire nature of their "friendship" seems off to me. and the fact that some of those inappropriate comments were made by him lead me to believe he knows damn well it isn't totally platonic. id say give him a chance to cut ties with this person or leave him. also, yes, she is very clearly an attention whore, either just to him since she clearly likes him or possibly in general.


    eta: in these situations i always think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself.. how would HE feel if you were texting another guy like this? i would bet the answer is no, so why should you allow it? if you think he would actually be ok with that i guess that's a different story
    Im with you. Never ever would this fly. Any of it.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Thank you everyone for your responses!

    Seashell: That was my first inclination - emotional affair. He has been VERY open about everything and has done everything in his power to try and make me feel comfortable about the situation. It is her that is pushing way too deep, too quick, and too aggressively.

    Rickdugan: I got a kick out of your response and I whole-heartily agree about the sexual tension...although, I do truly think it is her that is initiating that kind of tension. And - I 100% agree that he is loving the attention. I think it's due to him losing contact with everyone from his past and now someone has shown great interest in him. Having met her, she is definitely not a "looker" and I'm not so worried about the sex issue over the emotional side of it.

    Slowpoke: LOVE your response. That made me laugh. (in a good way.)

    Snuffle: The things that she is coming to him with are just outright shrink worthy. Like - she should most certainly be communicating with her boyfriend or a counsler about these things...not someone that is in a serious relationship.

    Girl Anachronism: I definitely haven't been as calm as I may seem - I've been a total bitch honestly and sometimes I even throw in snarky comments when I notice him texting back. Although, I must say, he has been very trusting of my friendships with men and has never questioned my interactions with them. Sadly, I don't have a leg to stand on there. I truly wouldn't have an issue with this friendship if she wasn't so...pushy and attention thrived from it.





    To add:

    - I have told him that females commonly thrive from attention. Because he is giving her so much of it, there's a high chance that she's going to become attached to it and possibly develop a clingier mentality to him.

    - His response to the Canada trip was - "I know we're going to Toronto soon for a baseball game and didn't think you would have a problem with someone else tagging along." - No, maybe not, but I really would've liked to know first before you tell someone to go get a passport and invite her to something that we religiously do.

    - She was so excited because her exact words were, "I really want to go to Canada!!! OMG." "I've always wanted to go to Canada." - WAIT. Hold up. You've lived here for 22 years. Canada is a three hour drive. If you really wanted to go that badly, you would've gone. It took someone that you've known for four months to get you to pick up a passport? Why haven't you asked anyone else to go if you wanted to go that badly?

    - I HAVE met her boyfriend and I do understand that he's probably not the best person to go to with issues. But...this is something she needs to work out and I find it kind of overbearing that my fiance is the person she's confiding to. I feel like it'd be kind of hard to keep a connection with someone if they're not getting the attention/comfort/responses to these situations that they desire.

    - She asked him why I don't like her and he responded with, "Because she thinks you're an attention whore." She replied, "How am I an attention whore if I only talk to like 4 people?"
    I don't care if you're only talking to one person. The way that she opened up like this to him just screams it. And...this can now be a tricky situation. Tara will never be comfortable in my presence, which would likely mean that I will never hang out with them. This makes it all the easier to get away with talking to him/hanging out with him privately and being able to cross whatever boundary she wants.

    Slippery slope.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Just a sucky male opinion here but FUCK THAT SHIT! You have every right to feel like you do. Invites her to Canada? Wtf? And I do not talk about anal sex with my platonic female friends either. If you ONLY called her an attention whore she got off lightly.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by starburst View Post
    Rickdugan: I got a kick out of your response and I whole-heartily agree about the sexual tension...although, I do truly think it is her that is initiating that kind of tension. And - I 100% agree that he is loving the attention. I think it's due to him losing contact with everyone from his past and now someone has shown great interest in him. Having met her, she is definitely not a "looker" and I'm not so worried about the sex issue over the emotional side of it.
    Well, if he "emotionally" ends up slipping his penis into her, assuming that it hasn't happened already, then he is still having sex with her. I suspect that you may be discounting this angle a bit too quickly. Emotional and physical needs get entwined all the time and he is spending a lot of emotional energy on her. The only reason for this is that she is giving him something he feels that he needs (whether it's attention, something else, both, whatever). Honestly, I think that you need to force him to make a decision - either her or you. This isn't junior high and he doesn't need female friends when he is in a relationship with one. If he picks her, then you know everything you need to.

    Quote Originally Posted by starburst View Post
    - She asked him why I don't like her and he responded with, "Because she thinks you're an attention whore."
    Why in the world would he share that? Doesn't he have a filter? This was a private discussion between you and him. Is he a drama queen? Honestly, this was as disturbing as anything else you posted. Why would he feel that it was ok to put you in such an awkward position?

    Anyway, I don't mean to make you feel worse than you already do, so I will leave it at that. I have no doubt that you will do whatever is best for you here, even if it takes a while to sort it all out.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Ok. They BOTH know what they are doing.Either her boyfriend is the most understanding guy in the world or he is brain-dead, because he wouldn't be cool with this either.It is inappropriate "joking" about anal sex, its not a joke either its a subtle offer and why is she needed or wanted on a trip that is an annual trip for both of you as a couple?Red Flaggs everywere.I would tell her to adopt a puppy if she wants a friend,and too fuck off.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    well, the fact that he's been trusting of your friendships with men makes me understand why you are on the fence about this. i've been in your exact position with my bf's female friend. after blowing up and not letting him talk to her a while i decided to try and befriend her. knowing full well i had a major issue w/her she made peace with me and i respected that. if this girl actually values your bf as a FRIEND, she'll do the same. if she can't be cool with you and all 3 of you chillin together, even w/ the current situation at hand, they don't need to talk anymore. like, ever. because if all they are is friends then i don't see the prob. i personally have gone out of my way to make a dude friend's gf feel comfortable w/me so she knows i'm not a threat. it's what a good friend would do. however, you would need to reach out and let her know how you feel and that you want to be cool with each other. because at this point i would not be OK with them hanging out alone.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post

    Why in the world would he share that? Doesn't he have a filter? This was a private discussion between you and him. Is he a drama queen? Honestly, this was as disturbing as anything else you posted. Why would he feel that it was ok to put you in such an awkward position?
    I lost my absolute SHIT over this last night. Couldn't believe that he just nonchalantly made a situation 10x more awkward then it already was.
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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl Anachronism View Post
    i personally have gone out of my way to make a dude friend's gf feel comfortable w/me so she knows i'm not a threat. it's what a good friend would do.
    I have done the same thing! If I plan on being really close friends with a guy and they have a girlfriend, I'd make sure that I introduce myself and make it clear it's platonic. I would be so uneasy talking to the guy if their S.O was feeling threatened, and wouldn't continue until the platonic role is established.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by MyrtleTheTurtle View Post
    Ok. They BOTH know what they are doing.Either her boyfriend is the most understanding guy in the world or he is brain-dead, because he wouldn't be cool with this either.It is inappropriate "joking" about anal sex, its not a joke either its a subtle offer and why is she needed or wanted on a trip that is an annual trip for both of you as a couple?Red Flaggs everywere.I would tell her to adopt a puppy if she wants a friend,and too fuck off.

    I feel like her boyfriend is just comfortable HAVING someone as a S/O. I mean - he took her back after she cheated. He doesn't have too much going for him, so I think he's just happy to have someone.

    She already has a dog so I guess that companionship isn't helping...ha.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl Anachronism View Post
    well, the fact that he's been trusting of your friendships with men makes me understand why you are on the fence about this. i've been in your exact position with my bf's female friend. after blowing up and not letting him talk to her a while i decided to try and befriend her. knowing full well i had a major issue w/her she made peace with me and i respected that. if this girl actually values your bf as a FRIEND, she'll do the same. if she can't be cool with you and all 3 of you chillin together, even w/ the current situation at hand, they don't need to talk anymore. like, ever. because if all they are is friends then i don't see the prob. i personally have gone out of my way to make a dude friend's gf feel comfortable w/me so she knows i'm not a threat. it's what a good friend would do. however, you would need to reach out and let her know how you feel and that you want to be cool with each other. because at this point i would not be OK with them hanging out alone.
    While this is a good idea in theory... some people are real assholes' and will see an open opportunity to run game. I know because it's happened to me. This "girl" I thought was a friend of my baby daddy "started" fucking him the week we broke up. She was always asking about me and being friendly to me too.
    I say he let's her go or you let him go!

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    On top of everything else, I am in 1000% agreement that him telling her that you "think she's an attention whore" was one of the most disturbing points. Why would anyone ever fucking do that? He knows this is already a tense situation, and he goes and tells her exactly why his gf doesn't like her, using those exact words? Not only is that over-the-line in discussing your personal issues with someone who doesn't need to be privy to that conversation, but he clearly has no ambition to smooth over this situation and have you two be friends. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like he doesn't want you guys to ever be cool with each other.

    I mean, if I was gonna go out and get some side action, I know I wouldn't want that person to be friends with my SO. And wouldn't it even be better if, to the other person, I acted like my SO was "mean and crazy" for hating them so much?

    At least, that's where my mind goes... I mean, what was his side of the conversation when he told her that you thought she was an attention whore? What did he say in response to her asking how she "could possibly be an attention whore?" Because I'm betting it was something along the lines of "I have no idea. She's crazy lol"

    Either he's stirring up drama on purpose cuz he's loving this fight over him, or he's total fucking moron.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    No further different advice to add but you are totally right to be displeased.

    You and your SO need to have a sit-down and tell him, this friendship is totally inappropriate, it needs to go. Show him this thread if you have to. Maybe it takes other people telling him it's not ok for it to really sink in.
    He may or may not just be stupid and have good intentions to only be friends with the girl, but SHE obviously has different ones. That is a problem no matter what.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    On top of everything else, I am in 1000% agreement that him telling her that you "think she's an attention whore" was one of the most disturbing points. Why would anyone ever fucking do that? He knows this is already a tense situation, and he goes and tells her exactly why his gf doesn't like her, using those exact words? Not only is that over-the-line in discussing your personal issues with someone who doesn't need to be privy to that conversation, but he clearly has no ambition to smooth over this situation and have you two be friends. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like he doesn't want you guys to ever be cool with each other.

    I mean, if I was gonna go out and get some side action, I know I wouldn't want that person to be friends with my SO. And wouldn't it even be better if, to the other person, I acted like my SO was "mean and crazy" for hating them so much?

    At least, that's where my mind goes...

    Either he's stirring up drama on purpose cuz he's loving this fight over him, or he's total fucking moron.

    I said the same exact thing. For someone that HAS said, "Why can't everyone just get along?" He made that goal practically unattainable at this point.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    IMO, I've been the person who had a friend of the opposite sex who was looking for too much attention. In this scenario, the guy was someone I'd known for a long time, he was not even REMOTELY a threat, in literally any capacity, and I barely even responded to his bullshit pokes for attention anyway. My boyfriend lost his shit and wanted me to stop talking to him. Even in this scenario of thinking my bf was overreacting to a nothing situation, the fact that he was so mad about it, and it was causing so much drama and so much fighting between us, I finally said fuck it, this isn't worth it, and stopped talking to the friend.

    A friend I'd known for 3 years.

    But he's willing to let a 4 month old barely-friendship that came along after you two got together put your relationship through this much stress, fighting, and drama? He's more willing to constantly fight with you and have it jeopardize your relationship than say this 4 month old friendship isn't worth that and go talk to other people?

    Something's not right with that scenario.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    I KNEW I could count on the SW family to give such helpful and insightful feedback. Thank you all again, I appreciate every single response.
    “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    While I strongly disagree that adults can't be friends with other genders, having numerous women friends myself, I have never had one of them ask me anything about anal or suggest we two take a trip together. With other friends, sure. Alone, everyone knows what that means. I did have one friend threaten suicide when I was in my early 20s. She did not ask me to come over. She asked for therapy, got it, and is doing well now.

    They (your fiance and she) are playing too close to the line and they will probably cross it. What your poor fiance doesn't know is what a complete hell his life will be if he goes for miss crazy over a solid person like you.
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  42. #23
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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by starburst View Post
    I said the same exact thing. For someone that HAS said, "Why can't everyone just get along?" He made that goal practically unattainable at this point.
    Yeah, he messed up. That sucks. After hearing more details, it really sounds like it's time for him to cut off contact with this girl. Suicide threats, his inability to think before speaking, her not realizing she's an attention seeker... yikes. Hopefully your boyfriend will be cooperative, and she'll back off.

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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Basically if your included in the friendship then I would be ok with it to a certain level.
    Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable with this then you need to talk to him or both of them.
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    Default Re: Relationship Advice (Did I go too far?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    Either he's stirring up drama on purpose cuz he's loving this fight over him, or he's total fucking moron.

    I feel this. Some guys have huge egoes & will play women against each other for amusement.

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