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Thread: Should i stop being her friend or not?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member fallyn_love's Avatar
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    Thumbs down Should i stop being her friend or not?

    So i have this friend i met at my pole studio. She used to be my student. We got close she recommended i start working at her club. I did and my income doubled. I feel like shes a good friend for that. Im 24 and shes 34 but she looks young.
    Our relationship has been rocky because she is an emotional leach. She literally dumps all her problems on me but when i want to talk to her about my problems shes short and she cuts me off and/or downplays them. She especially uses the "ur soooo young you should be focusing on other things" or "im older than u i been thru that its not a big deal" or she always turns my problem back into hers.
    Honestly i was done like thia by my mother and it frustrates me and makes me not want to be her friend bcuz it reminds me of my emotional abuse.
    The last straw was last saturday. I work for deja vu and i did melon fest. We went to a city who is not so urban/black girl friendly. She complained the whole ride there about not wanting to go to work. When we got there she complained about the parking lot. So by the time i got into the building i was irritated. We got there at 830. I was already ready and just had to throw my clothes on. When i got ready and tried to leave the dressing room the manager told me melon fest doesnt start until 10. So i have to wait 1.5 hours to start making money?! That made me spiral. And im always good at staying positive. But a combo of HER emotional dumping, my financial crisis that i had last week, and the time i had to wait gave me an attitude. And im melo but when i get an attitude everything im by goes up in flames. So i says "i road 2 hours to wait another ALMOST 2hours to work? I couldve stayed at home and made my gauranteed ..." my FRIEND cuts me off with "we are here so stop complaining" i reply with "you complained the whoooole time here let me have my moment, i dont say shit to u when u have 1000 a day, do i?!...so stfu" she was saying something but i cut her off with a "giiiiirl, shut the fuck up..nobody wants to hear u talk". I know i couldve came better but im human and im tired of ppl telling me how i should react to things and how i should feel. Especially a so called friend i cant even vent to. So long story short i only made 200. YES 200 PEANUTS!! So as we get in her car shes bragging about how she wants to come back down and she made 700. Blah blah blah. What type of friend brags when they see their friend in distress. I clearly have tears in my eyes,im quiet. So i just tell her look i dont appreciate how on NUMEROUS occations u supress me when im trying to talk to u. I have crisis going on in my life to and i have no one to talk to. I dont appreciate that, you do it all the time this is not the first.
    She says "i dont try to do it but im sorry and ill try better" she kept repeating this and cutting me off. She was sounding like she was being victimized. And i recognize that as a deceit tactic or whatever. So i says "see, ur doing it again interupting me, talking over me, u talk to fucking much. You know how much u complain abouy pointless things and i let u vent anyway BCUZ I CARE...be the same friend to me as i am to u"
    She apologized but honestly deep down i dont accept it because i know how it feels to be done like that over and over Nd ppl almost never mean it they just apologize bcuz theif put on spot.
    Should i remain her friend or not? If its gonna b like this i dont want to be. Im a very loyal person and a damn good friend. And i feel hurt
    scared money makes no money

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  3. #2
    Featured Member wish's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    I totally understand and agree with what you're saying BUT you can't tell others how to feel or act. I don't think she meant any harm just is thoughtless. Not everyone has your heart, upbringing or experience. If YOU FEEL she's being emotionally abusive let her ass take a long walk off a short pier but if there's a chance that she's actually trying to address the situation I'd keep her around.

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  5. #3
    Senior Member dragonflyy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    She sounds like a real leech. I'd find it insufferably rude if someone constantly told me my problems weren't valid due to my age, held a nasty double standard for complaining, etc. Sounds like she's just draining and hurting you. I'd be blunt with her about it, and if that doesn't fix it.. if you're not benefiting, and especially if you're suffering for it, what's the point?

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    She sounds like a narcissist to me, you may want to check out my thread in this section (I believe there's 2, or 1 could be in Ladies Only)
    Do you really want some one that is going to drag you down like this?
    I can tell you, that there are far more negatives w/shit like this than you can ever imagine.
    It's great that she helped you get started in the club, but now she wants to sabotage you, cause she's a fuking NARCISSIST & EVERYTHING has to be about them, most of/all the time
    She deliberately puts you in situations for you to get fucked over one way or another, over & over
    Sometimes when similar shit happen in the family, we're drawn to it on a subconscious level, to try & resolve the past, but instead it just brings more pain, hurt, misery, & damage, leaving us even more vulnerable to the Next Asshole, who'll be WORSE yet, til u have a break down or worse.
    Trust me, I know where of I speak!
    Walk away w/o a word & don't look back, ever!
    Take care of yourself, get some healing, join a 12 step, codependency group or counseling before you get seriously mentally damaged by some ASSHOLE w/shit for feelings.
    I'm going to find & bump those threads
    Edit: I bumped one of them, in this section, Toxic free People pledge!
    Good luck & take care!
    Last edited by whirlerz; 09-12-2017 at 08:26 PM. Reason: to explain the additional thread

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?


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    Senior Member Elle:)'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Ditch her. Doesn't sound like someone worthy of your time.

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  12. #7
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Second what whirlerz said.

    Typical narcissist behavior.

    That or she has narcissist tendencies.

    Ditch her or distance yourself or you'll keep going through the same shit.

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    Veteran Member fallyn_love's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by wish View Post
    I totally understand and agree with what you're saying BUT you can't tell others how to feel or act. I don't think she meant any harm just is thoughtless. Not everyone has your heart, upbringing or experience. If YOU FEEL she's being emotionally abusive let her ass take a long walk off a short pier but if there's a chance that she's actually trying to address the situation I'd keep her around.
    You are right...i dont want to cur her off. But at 34 and having so much experience you should be more empathetic tho. I cqnt tell ur 100 righr but donr u think thats a normal human reaction OR to just ask your friend isdoing once in a while instead of jumping right into ur life problems?
    scared money makes no money

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    Veteran Member fallyn_love's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by dragonflyy View Post
    She sounds like a real leech. I'd find it insufferably rude if someone constantly told me my problems weren't valid due to my age, held a nasty double standard for complaining, etc. Sounds like she's just draining and hurting you. I'd be blunt with her about it, and if that doesn't fix it.. if you're not benefiting, and especially if you're suffering for it, what's the point?

    Your right. Im gonna give her one more chance but i cant deal sometimes i need a ear or shoulder.
    scared money makes no money

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  17. #10
    Veteran Member fallyn_love's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    She sounds like a narcissist to me, you may want to check out my thread in this section (I believe there's 2, or 1 could be in Ladies Only)
    Do you really want some one that is going to drag you down like this?
    I can tell you, that there are far more negatives w/shit like this than you can ever imagine.
    It's great that she helped you get started in the club, but now she wants to sabotage you, cause she's a fuking NARCISSIST & EVERYTHING has to be about them, most of/all the time
    She deliberately puts you in situations for you to get fucked over one way or another, over & over
    Sometimes when similar shit happen in the family, we're drawn to it on a subconscious level, to try & resolve the past, but instead it just brings more pain, hurt, misery, & damage, leaving us even more vulnerable to the Next Asshole, who'll be WORSE yet, til u have a break down or worse.
    Trust me, I know where of I speak!
    Walk away w/o a word & don't look back, ever!
    Take care of yourself, get some healing, join a 12 step, codependency group or counseling before you get seriously mentally damaged by some ASSHOLE w/shit for feelings.
    I'm going to find & bump those threads
    Edit: I bumped one of them, in this section, Toxic free People pledge!
    Good luck & take care!
    Yes i read that b4 i made my post i love it.

    One reason i stick to her is bcuz its familiar and i feel like i can help ppl which hurts me more.
    But i just cant deal anymore. Im so worb out man. Smh i cant even think straight. Plus i got more bad news about other things today and i rrally cant do this anymore.
    I know im gonna sound bad or pathetic but i dont hav any friends. Thats another reason why
    scared money makes no money

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  19. #11
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    You really should read up on narcissists (not saying she is one I don't know her like you do) but number one, they are incapable of feeling empathy 2) they are very selfish and entitled - hence why she believes you have to listen to her issues but could care less about yours 3) they are emotional vampires - they have no qualms indirectly creating problems for you while they sit back and feed off your energy. 4) they are immature - don't expect a 34 year old to act their age they mostly likely have the maturity of a teenager 5) They don't have the same range of emotions nor do they experience the world the same way we do. - example you could see a baby kitten die and feel sad, they see a baby kitten die, feel nothing, then be like why you sad/crying? It's the circle of life bitch. They don't get emotionally attached to people and see humans as object to serve their needs.

    Etc.

    I hate to break it to you. Unless she's in therapy she is not going to change.

    You keep hanging around her and giving her chance after chance then you'll be right back here ranting while she's somewhere sleeping good every night and bragging about her hundreds while secretly being excited that you're in turmoil.

    Distance yourself, get a therapist yourself (your "friend" is not capable of providing the emotional support you need), find some quality associates/friends, etc.

    You acting like you "need" her is exactly the co-dependent situation she desires in order to drain your energy for her benefit.

    Get out while you can.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    She sounds like a drain. However, you still work with her... Just because of that, it might be tricky to just straight-up stop being friends with her. I don't know how she might affect your work environment - or maybe you aren't concerned about that?

    If it was me, I would just start being "really busy" and unavailable every time she has a problem or wants to talk. Act normal and civil at work, but just have "a lot of shit going on" outside of work that precludes you from having a social life (with her). Eventually, she will get tired of you not being 24/7 available to her and find a new person to leech off of.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Distance yourself please if you can't cut her off.
    You are an average of the people you keep closest to you so having anyone who isn't on your level will just bring you down.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by fallyn_love View Post
    Your right. Im gonna give her one more chance but i cant deal sometimes i need a ear or shoulder.
    If you need to talk to someone, try those links, I listed above or orhttp://www.7cupsoftea.com
    This b ain't no ear or shoulder, but it sounds like you're gonna hang in there w/her
    Anyway take care

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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    So you say that your Mom is the same way, which means you have not resolved that primary relationship & have recreated it with this 'friend'.

    You do need to distance a bit from the situation & just concentrate on getting your own life together. Anytime she starts to complain about her life just disengage as in you have to go on the phone, walk a way in the club, tell her you have a headache in the car & need silence. Essentially retraining her that you dont need to hear her issues when you have so many to deal with in your own life.

    Find help for your issue with online groups , life coach, read positive books on how to turn it all around. Example: "The Success Principle" "How to win friends & influence other people""The Secret". Read one chapter a day.

    Sometimes you have to be selfish & just focus on your own life, which has nothing to do with anyone else. It isn't about her changing but you changing & becoming a stronger person so that you don't fall into this situation again.

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    Veteran Member fallyn_love's Avatar
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    Default Re: Should i stop being her friend or not?

    Thankd everyone. Im gonna get myself some help.

    UPDATE:
    I know something was up bcuz she didnt call likr she does every friday to ask what time im gonna b at work. Im a spiritual person and i believe in jesus christ dont know if u guys do but praying meditating etc helps me as well. So ive been doing that and ive been doing better. Plus i did great last night at wrk. When i showed up to the club lastnight and hit the floor i immedietlt started talking to custs for dances. I had to hit the stage with a group of girls and she was in it. When we all huddled together to get on stage i looked at her and b4 i could say hi she says "u left ur stuff in my car last weekend what do u want me to do with it?". Lmaooo. I have a spot in the club i go stand in to recoup after ive talked to eveeybody and she was standing accross from me staring at me like she expected me to come and talk to her.
    Wow true colors.
    But im feeling good about my feelings.
    scared money makes no money

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