Is visiting strip clubs a pathology?

[WULI]

Just recently I found out that my husband was constantly visiting strip clubs and looking at cam girls. Now he is trying to convince me that he will stop doing these things because he loves me and he is completely satisfied with our sex life. I find it difficult to believe, because if he was satisfied he would not want to look at others also before. Or if it was an addiction that he found difficult to overcome before, it will be difficult also now.
I would like to here opinions of the customers, is it possible that man who used to spent huge amount of time and money on strippers and cam girls will be able to stop it?
Another thing I would like to understand is, why he is/was so tempted to strippers and cam girls? I asked him these questions but I think he cannot be completely honest because he would not like to hurt me. I hope other customers using this forum can help me understand it better by sharing their experiences.

[RUTROH]

I am not sure it qualifies as a pathology, I certainly don't think there is and ICD-10 code 666.6-Stripophilia or such. I didn't go to club when I was married as it would have hurt my wife once she passed. I found clubs easier to visit than dating. I gave up on meeting someone in essence. I go now, as I am not nor do I forsee myself, in a relationship and I enjoy looking at beautiful women. If someone married goes, there MAY be something missing in their relationship (I am not implying he doesn't love you by the way) or perhaps they get off on the somewhat illicit nature of going and the possibility of doing something others consider risky. I am not trained in the psych fields, I am sure some on this site are but those are two plausible explanations in my opinion. Best of luck to you and your husband.

[SuccubusSasha]

First off I want to applaud you for how it seems you are dealing with this. I see that you are trying your best to understand and not blame anyone. Especially do not blame yourself, as many women tend to do.
There are people who are addicted to strippers, those are some of the best customers because they become regulars.
But just because your husband goes to strip clubs and visits cam girl websites doesn't necessarily mean he's addicted.
I think something customers really enjoy about these services is there's usually not an emotional aspect. They know that these women are performing aservice and aren't going to try to form an emotional connection that can lead to something more. Of course I have no idea why your husband does these things. But you're brave and strong for wanting to understand. And couples therapy is a healthy, and wonderful thing.

[Gia2608]

IMHO thinking a person has a sickness or disease because they can find more than one member of the opposite sex attractive is a pathology. The fact he doing this in secret and feels shamed now is not really healthy either. I understand you had no idea this was happening and it came as a shock to you, but looking at porn/ cam sites and even going to the strip club every once in awhile is legal and normal. It is not like he was visiting prostitutes or having an affair.

Not sure how much you consider "a lot of money", that he spent in the past. I am also not sure how you guys get past this. Him being satisfied with your sex life has nothing to do with his desire to see other women naked or in a sexual context. Some people are hard wired like that, some are not. You may want to consider counseling so you both can understand where the other is coming from.

[slowpoke]

Is it OK to watch the food channel on TV and still have dinner at home?

[WULI]

First off I want to applaud you for how it seems you are dealing with this. I see that you are trying your best to understand and not blame anyone. Especially do not blame yourself, as many women tend to do.
There are people who are addicted to strippers, those are some of the best customers because they become regulars.
But just because your husband goes to strip clubs and visits cam girl websites doesn't necessarily mean he's addicted.
I think something customers really enjoy about these services is there's usually not an emotional aspect. They know that these women are performing aservice and aren't going to try to form an emotional connection that can lead to something more. Of course I have no idea why your husband does these things. But you're brave and strong for wanting to understand. And couples therapy is a healthy, and wonderful thing.

... there is no emotional aspect - well, my husband usually seeks more than just looking at their beautiful bodies, he tries to make a bond with them and see a friend in them. He used to be a regular of one stripper for 2 years before we met. He still thinks she is his friend. When he opened up to me about his infidelity, from what he told me I conclude that he had quite strong bond with a couple of cam girls. He also kept in touch with strippers who he visited during his trips.

[Groucho76]

I am WULI's husband. I don't think there would be anything fundamentally problematic about what I was doing if I was totally open and honest about it and she agreed to it and it didn't make her unhappy. But I knew that it would have made her unhappy if she knew, but I kept doing it anyway, and I was seeking therapy for it. Some therapists use the concept of "out of control sexual behaviour", in the sense that it is *experienced* as "out of control", not that the person doesn't have agency. They say that rather than "sexual addiction". The behaviour went against my value system and I wanted to stop, but I continued doing it anyway. When I find a job and am able to go back to my previous on-line counsellor to discuss it with her further I will.

At strip clubs I was the kind of customer who became someone's regular.

[Groucho76]

By the way when my wife talks about me forming bonds with the strippers and cam-girls, I think she's mistaken if she calls it a romantic feeling. It's a feeling of friendship, and yes, sometimes of compassion if I think they have a hard lot in life. (There was one cam-girl who was trying to scam me pretending her grandmother was sick, and my wife has just read the Skype conversation I had with her about it and is very annoyed about it.)

But it's not a romantic feeling, except in the case of the stripper whose regular I was for two years before I met my wife. My wife accuses me of being "in love" with that stripper but this was never the case, I just had a feeling of attachment for her and a wish that one day she would meet me outside the club for coffee.

[WULI]

IMHO thinking a person has a sickness or disease because they can find more than one member of the opposite sex attractive is a pathology. The fact he doing this in secret and feels shamed now is not really healthy either. I understand you had no idea this was happening and it came as a shock to you, but looking at porn/ cam sites and even going to the strip club every once in awhile is legal and normal. It is not like he was visiting prostitutes or having an affair.

Not sure how much you consider "a lot of money", that he spent in the past. I am also not sure how you guys get past this. Him being satisfied with your sex life has nothing to do with his desire to see other women naked or in a sexual context. Some people are hard wired like that, some are not. You may want to consider counseling so you both can understand where the other is coming from.

What I try to understand is whether my husband will never be able to stop wanting to look at other women's naked bodies so much that he will start lying to me again. I did a lot for him (you will ask how much is a lot but believe me so much that no one can forget in whole life), I know he appreciates that and would like to do the same for me. But will he be able to refrain from looking (and not only looking but also buying private dances, which involves physical intimacy) at other women's naked bodies in order to make up for the pain he gave me? I don't want to be inhuman to him requiring impossible things from him. If I realize he cannot change, I don't want to be with him because I cannot be happy that way.

[arielbriel]

This is something he did even before he met you. Did you guys lay down ground rules regarding strippers or cam girls? It seems to me that he isn't going to stop doing it but rather he is going to get better at hiding it. Maybe he won't take their contact info, maybe he will only go when he is out of town for business, but the fact that you said you would leave him if he continues will just drive him to do it even more but much more carefully.

[Selina M]

Ok personally I would not take issue with him going to a club and getting a few dances. I would take issue with the "friendships" and keeping in contact with these women. You are basically creating drama where there needn't be any.

[miss.a.p1600]

This sounds like a sort of fetish for your husband. It is only a pathology if it interferes with daily functioning and/or if another party is present it is performed without their consent. Ex. of pathology - can't go to work/get his job done, ruining relationships, going into debt, etc...


The options:
-explore this with him
-let him explore his fetish on his own (in a controlled fashion with some ground rules of course)
-end the relationship

[Sam38g]

LMAO He is a man.
Men like to look at titties.
Dont matter who beautiful you are or great in bed. Men like to look at different sets of tits.
They like to jerk off to porn.

Which has zero to do with the intimate bond between you. Doesn't affect his love & commitment to you.

He is just a man like all the rest.

Now, what expensive hobby do you have? Since he is spending a bit of money in these pursuits. What makes you happy? A day at the spa, new high heels, fancy hair cut & color, diamond jewelry?
He discretionary funds for this variety of boobs should be equal to what you get & spend as however you want with ZERO Guilt.

Better yet, go to a male strip clubs & get a few dances & drinks with a few of your female friends. It can be quiet fun. Go see hot studs in banana hammocks shake their bubble butts & ads of steel for your visual pleasure.

[Sam38g]

What I try to understand is whether my husband will never be able to stop wanting to look at other women's naked bodies so much that he will start lying to me again. I did a lot for him (you will ask how much is a lot but believe me so much that no one can forget in whole life), I know he appreciates that and would like to do the same for me. But will he be able to refrain from looking (and not only looking but also buying private dances, which involves physical intimacy) at other women's naked bodies in order to make up for the pain he gave me? I don't want to be inhuman to him requiring impossible things from him. If I realize he cannot change, I don't want to be with him because I cannot be happy that way.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Honey, he is a man. Men look at women, he will do it till the day he dies.
Further more ALL MEN do.. some might prefer other men, some are better at hiding & lying about it.

Now, those strippers have about 20 to 500 guys just like him wanting the exact thing like him every NIGHT. Him getting lucky, the odds are not in his favor. The stripper actually falling in love with him even less. They go there to make money, it is their job.

NO cam girl is a threat to your relationship. He needs to wise up & realize this too. Some will work the online long distance boyfriend angle. They will be working that angle with 2 to 100 guys a day, he is just money to them but sometimes friendship can happen.

Look at this way, if you go to a diner 3 times a week. You become friendly with your waitress. You know her name, the kids names & inquire about her well being in general. She has other customers, you understand. It is always nice to be welcomed in with a big smile, be recognized. At the end of the meal you tip her a bit more than anyone you didn't know. Well, that is cam girls.

Men will always look, it isn't a issue unless there is a drinking or drug problem. Does he work hard, spend time with you? Is he blowing the budget & putting ya'll in debt with credit cards. Now, that is a major issue. Is the retirement funds fully funded.

That is important not tits.

[PinkPopcorn]

^^^^^What she said. It is good that you know rather than not knowing. I'd rather have my man spending time with camgirls and strippers than some woman at the office who will literally try to break up the entire relationship with divorces. The strippers give him a lapdance, the camgirls chat, both have tits but both are out of reach in most cases.

It is NO reflection on you, your sexual prowess, your beauty, etc. In fact, you could even say that your husband is a good guy because he PAYS for his porn. He's not stealing (and in essence raping) hard working performers. If he didn't visit strippers and camgirls he'd be looking at porn like every other man does.

And just by the way, a lot of guys view camgirls as their friend who has cool tits and nothing more than that. Would you be upset if he was on a girl's camera on Youtube live or Twitch giving tips? The only difference with a camgirl, because we put on SHOWS, is that we show our breasts. Would you be upset if he ate at Hooters and tipped the friendly host? It's damn near the same thing.

[Gia2608]

Am I the only one that saw this other "new user" who was supposedly the husband post 3 minutes after WULI"s last post? This whole thread is sick. Either, it's a man posting the whole thing getting us to answer because he wants us to tell him we think he has a sickness or, a really disturbed couple.

Or do we believe this narrative...

Wife finds out of clear blue un-employed husband has been going to SC and cam sites.
Wife comes on stripperweb as a new user to ask sex workers if husband has a mental disorder for paying sex workers.
Wife tells husband she came on SW to seek the advice of sex workers.
Husband also comes on SW to respond in same thread.

[Bahuba]

I am watching this thread closely.

If you two are actually a husband and wife, we have recommended counseling not as a judgement of going to clubs, viewing cams, or becoming a regular, because those things are not bad in any way, but because you seem to have issues between you. Your issues appear to be trust and finance, given the fact that the husband in your scenario has no job at present.

We get threads like this every few months, sometimes with the husband, sometimes without. Our members have always tried to be helpful.

However if I have even the faintest further suspicion that these posts are insincere, I will ban you immediately for trolling.

[PinkPopcorn]

Yes, counselling. If you're cool enough to be like "Hey honey I posted about how you may or may not have a pornography addiction to a bunch of adult workers on the internet, go make an account and check it out to defend yourself to a bunch of men/women who could generally care less except that they might get a few extra "thanks" on their account" then talking to a professional should be no prob.

[audritwo]

Sounds to me like you two need to healthy discussion on boundaries and what is expected from each other. I suggest couples therapy. It does wonders.

[WULI]

I am watching this thread closely.

If you two are actually a husband and wife, we have recommended counseling not as a judgement of going to clubs, viewing cams, or becoming a regular, because those things are not bad in any way, but because you seem to have issues between you. Your issues appear to be trust and finance, given the fact that the husband in your scenario has no job at present.

We get threads like this every few months, sometimes with the husband, sometimes without. Our members have always tried to be helpful.

However if I have even the faintest further suspicion that these posts are insincere, I will ban you immediately for trolling.

I have no way to prove that I am sincere, you can decide to believe or not. Groucho76 is really my husband who created this account just to contribute to the thread. By the way I did not like his idea at all.

The fact that he knew that I was posting in this forum: I am honest, I don't have any reason to hide anything from him. Since I found out about his infidelity (about 2 months) I have been in a terrible pain but I was not able to talk about it to any of my friends or family member because he asked me not to because did not want other people to know about his as he calls "out of control sexual behavior". with the time the pain does not go away, it becomes worse so I need to talk otherwise it is making me ill. I already read advises to seek a therapy but I don't like that idea. I would like mostly to hear the opinions of other men with similar behavior.

[arielbriel]

What is your version of infidelity? Everyone's is different.

[Sam38g]

There is your problem he wants you to keep his dirty secret & suffer.
Tell everyone & get their opinion. Not like any of them can't walk into a strip club & see him there. So is it really a secret.

Next time he goes out, hire a male stripper to come over & do a dance for you. See how okay he is with it then.

[Sam38g]

Once George Burns cheated on Gracie, he bought her a $20,000 ruby & diamond brooch to apologize.

He assumed that she never told anyone about his cheating tell after her death. She'd tell all her girlfriends "I'd wish he would cheat on me again, love to have more jewelry like this brooch." She didn't keep his secret. hahahaha

Men don't deserve for us to keep their secrets, it only harms us & keeps them happy. You are miserable, he is happy in keeping you miserable.
__________________________________________________ ___

Tell you what, if you are EVER in Miami, I will give you are tour of Le bare. We can have a blast on your husbands credit card. VIP all the way. I will line up hot male dancer after another to give you a table dance.

To counter his cam addiction. Have several handsome well hung male porn star friends I can hook you up with paid skype shows. You can pay them $8 per minute & just chat with studs just like he does with cam girls.

After all what is good for the Goose is good for the Gander.

[Sam38g]

What is your version of infidelity? Everyone's is different.

Men have a double standard when it comes to fidelity. He thinks it is all okay, if she were spending that kind of money & rubbing up against naked sexy men like he was women. Would he be okay with it?

[Groucho76]

Men have a double standard when it comes to fidelity. He thinks it is all okay, if she were spending that kind of money & rubbing up against naked sexy men like he was women. Would he be okay with it?

Yes I would. If she wants to go to strip clubs for women or look at cam-boys, fine. I have already said this to her, but she says she is not interested in looking at cam-boys.

The statement that "I am happy that she is miserable" is not correct. My reason for asking her to keep the information secret was that I was suffering an excruciating paranoid psychotic episode and was sensitive about the idea of information being shared. I have now recovered. The care she provided me during that episode was an expression of true devotion and love, and if she now needs to discuss it with a close friend, that is fine.

Couples counselling sounds great to me, but I will seek individual counselling if she doesn't want to do couples counselling. I am happy to do whatever it takes to heal our marriage.

We are not trolling. And I am sorry if this thread seems sick, it was my wife's idea to start it and I am just jumping in every now and again trying to correct what I think are mistaken impressions. I have no interest in "defending myself" and do not think that my behaviour is "okay".