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Thread: Jumping back into the game

  1. #1
    Featured Member Aurora14's Avatar
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    Default Jumping back into the game

    It's my first time posting since I retired 2 years ago. I'm nervous and excited all at once.

    When I left I went out in a shitshow. I was drinking way too much, popping pills, punching customers, and had started dating on of the other dancer's regulars (which led to the demise of my marriage). The bf couldn't handle me dancing or clip making (go figure) so I quit dancing and he was paying the bills until I found a vanilla job. That job lasted about 8 months before I quit (whole other bit of drama) and did the stay at home wifey deal. The boyfriend helped me realize I was in a bad spot mentally and stuck through it when I was quitting pills and sobering up. Overtime we quit partying as much. Which has led to our relationship getting better because we don't argue more than once a month now. At this point, I'm level headed and know my limits. I'm pretty much at the point I was at a year into dancing. At that point I was very aware of keeping my dance life and home life separate.

    But I can never shake the urge to dance. Every couple of months I get depressed and miss it. An argument happens, but I don't go back to dancing because I'm afraid that he'll ditch me if I go back. This time it was set off because, to start, we bought a house. I cashed out all my accounts and literally put every penny I had into this place. It made me feel naked. It also made me realize, I officially rely on him for EVERYTHING. I haven't ever been good at relying on others. If I ever needed anything I had to work my ass off and get it myself. Now, as the fixing of the house is going, little things add up. I want a nice kitchen, a good garden, he's fixing the garage, and then the A/C broke. I feel like we are just falling behind. He thinks we're fine. But it set something off in my head.

    My old manager told me to come in and we'll roll with it. If it seems like dancing isn't my cup of tea anymore she'll "just fire me" (when fired you can't be re-hired). It would keep me from dancing because this is my home club. I danced there for years and have it pretty good when it comes to my schedule. The other club in town has a work a weekday for every weeknight rule, and I don't like that.

    We talked, and came to the conclusion that I won't shake wanting to dance unless I go back to it. He isn't happy, I guess I'm really not either though. He thinks I have blinders on and only remember the positives. However, I remember the bad nights. The possibility of working 8 hours and making nothing, the customers that have pulled my thong off during dances (topless club), guys that have called me fat because I'm short and curvy. But realistically, I'll either go back and enjoy it or hate it. I know I have to keep lines of communication with the bf very open. I feel like crap for even wanting to dance knowing it hurts his feelings. I kind of hope going in for a couple of nights will get it out of my system. While dancing and independence are important to me, I need to work this out of my system because losing him would be the worst thing.

  2. #2
    Featured Member Aurora14's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jumping back into the game

    So tonight is the moment of truth.

    Part of me can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake. Like what am I doing leaving a great guy at home to go to work?Last night he told me it feels like I'm going off to cheat on him and he knows.

    But then the other part is super excited and hopes not to fall on my 8 inch heels. That the lights will be on me while I dance to some of my favorite songs. It's exciting to think that I might actually have some money when I come home in the morning. It's nice to know I won't have to ask for money to go grocery shopping.

    Oh, I'm so confused...

  3. #3
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jumping back into the game

    Aurora, if you are looking for responses solely from the ladies, please just let me know and I will delete this...

    It took me a long time to realize that I cannot be what someone else wants me to be, as much as I might wish to make that person happy. I think you are coming to that same realization.

    If it was really just about money, you could just pick up another vanilla job or two. Instead you are choosing to dance. Now I'm sure that increased earning potential is part of it, but I'm also guessing that work freedom and the lifestyle are also powerful magnets for you. IMHO you want to live on your own terms, free to make your own choices and not controlled by either a vanilla employer or your BF.

    If it costs you the relationship, then maybe it wasn't meant to be, It is obvious that you care for him and are grateful to him, but if his needs and yours don't align, then all the wishful thinking in the world wont' change anything.

    So with all of that said, good luck!

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