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Thread: Looking for Honest Advice

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    Curious Guest Usul's Avatar
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    Default Looking for Honest Advice

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    Last edited by Usul; 01-08-2019 at 10:10 AM.

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    Veteran Member Jalena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Looking for Honest Advice

    Not really sure what you're asking, but I'll give it a shot.

    You are not going to 'hurt' her in any way, with the exception of assaulting her -- and that is not to imply that you're that kind of person; just trying to reiterate to you that for her, while she may genuinely like you and enjoy your company at work, this is still just a business transaction. Dancers who are good at their job learn, among other skills, how to get really good at compartmentalising.

    Dancer-customer relationships always have an expiration date. Until then though, as long as you spending well, remain respectful, and don't be a dick, you're generally golden.

    It sounds like you recognise your time together for what it is: a fantasy. Good company that you pay good money for, but not really based on anything solid. Why are you worried about getting hurt by continuing? Are you concerned that you may let yourself get too deeply wound up in it? If that's the case, then let the next time you go see her be the last, at least for a little while. Just be honest about the fact that you are going to have to pull back from her a bit and not come see her as often. You don't have to go into detail with your reasons if you're not comfortable with that, but she will appreciate the heads-up that she should not be factoring your visits into her income for the present time.

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    Default Re: Looking for Honest Advice

    You need to look at any kind of arrangement with a dancer as more of a business arrangement, especially if you are helping her out financially for her time. Don't make it into something like a personal relationship because that's not what it is. I don't understand your worry about being hurt or hurting her unless you have developed romantic feelings for her. If that is the case then yes, I can see why you would worried about getting hurt. Feelings can complicate everything in these type of situation. Dancers are good at separating their personal dating life from work, creating a fantasy girlfriend type thing. Many of them have husbands, boyfriends, or even girlfriends but while at the club they pretend to be single. While she may genuinely enjoying hanging out with you, money is often the factor here that's allowing this to happen. I would suggest that you put some distance if what I'm saying is on track with what you're feeling.

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    Default Re: Looking for Honest Advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Usul View Post
    Hi All,

    My question is a fairly complicated one. I am fairly mentally ill—I have scars over my body from self-harm and suicide attempts. I finished graduate school recently and am underemployed but am doing well through raw over-time and double-time. My parents are affluent and I live with them, but I have been lonely for a long time.

    I started frequenting a club some distance from where I live and am a dancer’s regular. We’re about the same age (late 20s) and it gets pretty personal in the VIP. We’re in each other’s Facebook accounts looking at stuff and telling stories. Strange personal favors. Seems trust is pretty high. It won’t get romantic or a sugar daddy scenario, she has made it clear about her experiences OTC and how they ended poorly. Needing to compartmentalize, personal safety, repeat business. Stuff I get.

    I feel like I get a lot out of this, expensive though it may be. I have a real therapist but it doesn't seem to provide the same emotional release. I feel wanted, I can touch and be touched. I paint her things (I haven’t painted in almost a year), make her food (I had stopped cooking), get her small gifts, and other stuff like that. I feel happy and it's sort of hard to processes a lot of these emotions. More to the point, I do not feel well-enough situated for a “real-relationship” yet and am aware that this is a fantasy. But I feel deeply afraid for the future—there’s a statistic thrown around on the internet that marriages featuring Bipolar partner have a 90% fail rate. I don't feel able to connect to other people very well--I feel my emotions very powerfully but it's difficult to understand them or those of others.

    On the other hand, I don’t want to get hurt by continuing to do this. I don’t really want to hurt her—either by getting weird or by dumping enough emotional shit on her that it’s just bad.

    In my experience, strippers give the best advice and I don’t really know what to do. What do you think?
    Dancers do give good advice, in many cases because they're good at reading people. It is part of their job. So do professional trained therapists, because it is their job as well. Listen man, you wrote "It won’t get romantic or a sugar daddy scenario" and "am aware that this is a fantasy" so you are ahead of many of the customers that come here asking questions about a relationship with a dancer. As the two excellent responses before mine detailed, on her end it is work, and on your end it is a fantasy.

    Looked at from one angle, this is a very fine example of the type of relationship that people who decry dancing as a profession never account for. It is a win - win.

    But your fear and anxiety, which, I must say, are both human emotions shared by all of us, probably should be addressed by a professional, don't you think? Your parents might be happier if they knew you were making a serious attempt to help yourself by seeing a therapist, and the therapist is legally bound not to give details to anyone about your relationship.

    My humble, admittedly amateur suggestion would be to try a happy medium - see your dancer for fantasy, and see your therapist for fear and anxiety.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Looking for Honest Advice

    I’m not a stripper (custie). But I believe you are stuck in a mindset where money buys you the things to be happy. That my friend is a dead end. There’s an old song by The Jackson’s called “That’s What You Get For Being Polite”. You might want to listen to it. You may hear you’re self in the song.

    Despite its caustic title, the song is really about freeing yourself from this mindset that money will but you the happiness you find so elusive. You have these suicidal and self harm tendencies because you haven’t developed your self worth. I’d try walking away from the safety of your parent’s money, and live on the bare minimum- struggling to survive.

    If you can survive through that (and I believe you can), then I’d say your self worth is very high.

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