







Next week I'm finally getting help for my major anxiety. I tried my best to ignore it, but it's getting in my way and fucking up basic life routines.




I'm not making a lot at my vanilla job. I don't miss camming but I miss the money. I also hate having a set schedule to obey and I hate waiting for stupid biweekly pay.
Having said that, I don't miss the anxiety and stress that it gives me. But, a bitch is broke. So back on cam I go lol
How has it been ladies?
"I now exist everywhere and nowhere. In between the fabric of space, time, and streamate. Send help."- illuminaughty




Time for a quick self care break. My best paying custie sent me $200 for my birthday and a show, but....he was extra rough today and now my throat hurts and my floor is covered in puke. Gonna take an hour off, watch some comedy and rest before getting back on for the rest of my shift. He wore me the fuck out.





I really feel this. When I was experiencing derealization (a form of dissociation due to overwhelming amounts of stress and anxiety) life was so tough. I had to hope and pray an episode didn't happen on days where I had appointments or needed to work.
For about 4 years the were like clockwork: at least once a week. Sending good vibes on your journey to peace.
Sha





FINALLY got out to socialize on a third date with a super awesome Nigerian fella. His vibe is "can't touch this!" Such a great guy.
We had drinks, shared an appetizer, & played A-hole (sand bag toss) plus darts on me. This guy played competitively which I love!
He wanted to go home with me. I talked about exclusivity, & he didn't bat an eye lash.
We have dinner planned at my place Tuesday & I'm excited.
Sha


Friday, February 21, 2020
Dear Diary,
I started to write some complaining but decided that I am MANIFESTING positive thoughts instead. Today I am going to make LOTS of money, create content and have a good time on cams!! Universe, hear me!
Kari "Platinum Puzzy" Anthony![]()
![]()
The QUEEN of BBW ** My Media/Press Kit**
Cam Girl on CamGirlMafia.com *Join Onlyfans*




SO happy for you! It can be so isolating, this job, its always refreshing to get out there and see that not all men are the asshats we deal with on the daily.....i need to get out there again myself....after my finacees death 3 years ago Ive just been scared to even try again BUT....I think its time. Im determined to make this year my bitch and finally grow into my own. Get it, Sha. All the love to you <3





I hear that! I had to take down my dating profile after breaking up with my ex. We are just friends now and it's nice as we still hang and play ping pong. It took a while to get over him. I made the decision to start dating again as I felt I was in a good place to do so. I totally went out of my comfort zone. Kooje is NOT the typical guy I date and it's super pleasant to find we have good chemistry.
I think taking time away to grieve is the best that you can do. It takes strength to do that. I agree that it's also nice he's so vastly different from most men I interact with on cam. It's like a breath of fresh air. I'm certain you can find this too. We just gotta stop following old cycles of the past and start connecting with different people.
Mmmhmm...2020 a good year to show and prove. Walk that walk...catwalk sis!!!
Sha





I had a bit of a slip with booze the other day so was feeling like crap today, didn't want to get out of bed, really anxious and down - I dragged myself to the gym and just a 40 min session of short cardio & lifting lifted my mood SO much. Got tonnes of house work done, food shopping, camming, my vanilla business![]()





Today will be a long day for me as well as the rest of the week. Plan is to stream 35 hrs. I've only been streaming about 21 hrs a week...so this might be a challenge.
Intentions are to eat right (lots of protein for energy), drink 80 oz water (so far at 55 oz), meditate, EFT tapping, and stay positive.
I think I got this. 3 of 8 hrs down. Let's gooooooo!
Also: this Cider Detox Apple Cider Vinegar Capsules with Ginger, Turmeric & Cayenne, Max Strength Thermogenic Formula for Improved Digestion, Detox, Heart Health is awesome! I had a dark spot forming on my forehead that started to look like a birthmark. Well I guess the tumeric has totally dissolved it and my skin is now all the same shade. WILD!!!
Update: 4.5 hrs in and had a proper meal of asparagus, eggs, and kimchi. I've had 65 oz water and meditated already. Gonna have to do some EFT soon as there's a lot of traffic, but no one buying. Starting to get frustrated.
Update 2: Well fuck me! Not long after posting that update a foot fetish reg dropped a 50 GOLD tip in free for feet. Now it's time to break and do some EFT tapping for focus and continued motivation.
Update 3: Seriously SMH. I'm at 6 hrs with at least 1.5 hrs of breaks and I'm starting to fade. Man, I got used to only doing 4 hr shifts with an hr break. Yikes. I'm on another break and I've had a cutie as I think my blood sugar was low. Feels a bit discouraging to be at 89% of high goal which I've lowered recently due to the decline in sales I've experienced on Sundays. But I can only entertain a moment of that as I need to get back on. I really need to highlight the positives however: 182 GOLD in free? That's crazy awesome. I mean damn!
Update 4: 7 hrs 45 min spread over 11.5 hrs and I'm gone LOL. I think the only thing that got me through was eating right, drinking enough water, meditation, and EFT tapping. I feel like this is my first ever almost 8 hr shift streaming. Man 20 hr weeks straight turned me into a wimp LOL. Did my hrs, was super close to high goal, and feel proud I stuck to the hrs. Now time for veggie spaghetti, more water, and a detox bath. Phew!
Last edited by Miss_ShaSha; 02-23-2020 at 05:01 PM. Reason: Update
Sha
I really need to get into a regular work schedule and have to put in a good chunk of hours this week. I found this meditation on procrastination I did this morning, and it really soothed me and moved me through what I was experiencing. I have a lot of work I've been doing around childhood trauma, and of course it shows up when I freeze re my work life. I loved her gentle and compassionate approach, as I'm working on giving myself more of this unconditionally.
https://insighttimer.com/rakhelshapi...20-min-version





Amen! The reason I had derealization (dissociation due to extreme stress and anxiety) was due to emotional trauma as a child. I feel this so much.
I found doing my meditation in the morning after tea and water extremely helpful. I'm almost at 60 days consecutively and derealization is gone.
You're aware and ready. Two really good signs. Get it!!!
Sha




I finally broke down and did it, I invested in my own colloidal silver generator. It shipped today and in a few days I'll be saving so much money by making my own. My dog has a nasty nasal drip and my chicken an eye infection so that really gave me the push to invest in it. I'll be taking it daily to and just overall excited about it. I kept putting it off due to bills coming first and I may still be behind with some of my bills but I'd be even more behind in medical bills so here we go!




Yesterday was bad. Today was worse. Last guy in my room on SM today finally broke the camels back and I cried like a stupid bitch. Then, I missed a show that would have gotten me to goal because I had to make dinner for my godsons....the universe had just shat all over me the past couple days, so I'm going to take the night to eat my last edible, get my head back on straight and do some small self care tasks. Color my hair. Do my nails. Maybe a hearty ugly cry in the shower while I rinse my hair. I really need to focus more on actual self care bc this is not a healthy way to be. I gotta get my shit together, love myself, and really take time and focus on where I need to improve and heal. Nobody wants to jack off to a trainwreck.





This was my mood from 2-6:30am on cam. I got the fuck off, meditated, ate super clean, and did my motherfuckin toes. Mmmhmm self care certainly helped me feel better. Doll, you got this. And it's healthy to have a good cry. It releases oxytocin which is good for you.
Sha
Yess! Take your time to do things that you like and make you feel good! You need this!
I am in a shitty mood as well, so I'll take a 3 hour break soon, walk in the park, do a 30 min workout and do my nails while watching some series. Then back on cam! Yeehee!!
PS: I always feel great after I cry haha!





^^OooOoohh, yes get on that exercise. I haven't been to the gym in like 4 months and I'm supposed to be walking everyday. Great reminder.
Sha








I can relate to the ugly cry being therapeutic. I had a hard time sleeping well Saturday night and my mood was shit. I intended to put the hours in yesterday, but I was struggling to snap out of my mood.
I logged off, had my ugly cry-I had a combination of things going on- little sleep, boy problems, and slow ass day. Had my cry then hung out with my daughter for a bit and went to her place for some pet therapy- to play with her cats.
Tonight I had my weekly coffee and writing session with my friend. I needed the connection time. My mood is much better.
I think sometimes just being in your feelings for a minute is good for the soul to release them.
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