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Thread: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member innocentindian's Avatar
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    Default Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Hi ladies,

    I've been single for a while (since before I started camming) because I didn't have the time / energy to date. Things have finally smoothed out in my life and I'm ready to get back into the dating scene, but I don't know how to tell potential partners that I'm a camgirl / make solo porn for a living.

    First date?
    I'm worried guys will judge me / shut down before they've gotten a chance to know me as a human being. Or worse, they'll try to shame / threaten / save me

    After a few dates and things are getting more serious?
    I feel safer this way, but I don't want a guy to feel like he's being lied to, or waste his time if dating a sex worker is a dealbreaker for him.

    What would you recommend?

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    God/dess NitaBaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I'd say be upfront. I feel like the relationship is a different kind of exciting when a man knows exactly who you are and doesn't twist that knowledge into something ugly or judge you for it. It might seem like there are only a select few who would "put up with" a sex worker but, if we're being honest, we probably only have a 'select few' of soul mates anyway. So this is a great way to weed out the duds. Whereas you might have a wider net of guys to choose from if you kept camming a secret it's really not worth the headache of him treating you like shit over it later. I say be upfront. The guys who are cool with it are sooooo worth holding out for.

    When I met my bf I mentioned how I tried to be a cam girl once. I told him the whole story about how I tried camming while I was still with my ex and described how he flipped shit and basically acted like I'd cheated on him. But when I told him all of this he didn't look surprised or taken aback by the thought of me flashing my titties for money. He didn't even look understanding of why my ex acted that way; the opposite really. He was like, "well I mean. You needed money, I get that. If you wanted to go back to it it wouldn't bother me". I tried to act like a changed woman by saying how I'd never disrespect another relationship like that. He laughed like, "okay well whatever. I don't care either way." Lo and behold, I did need to try camming again and have been doing it almost for as long as he's known me.

    Even though we know that we're good people I feel like we still apologize for our lives in subtle ways. In your situation, I'd make it known quickly what I do, and make it clear that it's not changing any time soon. Even if you don't want to dive all the way in with private info about yourself try giving him a hypothetical, like, "my cousin was thinking about being a cam girl. Do you think that's a good idea?" If he has an issue or says something like, "well, yeah it's cool as long as [enter stipulation/deadline/vague event/etc.]" then he's likely not worth the time.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I'm single and my dating profile says I'm a fetish model. I'm not shy in the least bit. My last ex knew right up front and it was a short topic on our first date. I simply stated I'm an online Dominatrix. He asked a couple questions and was actually quite intrigued. It didn't stop him from dating me and eventually committing.

    I have been on 4 dates with educated men who have upstanding careers and none of them have been put off by my profession. They are actually quite interested and I have some lively stories.

    Any secure man will have no issues with what you do for a living. Confidence sells. Be confident and up front and you'll have no issues.
    Last edited by Miss_ShaSha; 08-30-2019 at 12:01 PM.
    Sha

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    Veteran Member Panthera's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by innocentindian View Post
    Hi ladies,

    I've been single for a while (since before I started camming) because I didn't have the time / energy to date. Things have finally smoothed out in my life and I'm ready to get back into the dating scene, but I don't know how to tell potential partners that I'm a camgirl / make solo porn for a living.

    First date?
    I'm worried guys will judge me / shut down before they've gotten a chance to know me as a human being. Or worse, they'll try to shame / threaten / save me

    After a few dates and things are getting more serious?
    I feel safer this way, but I don't want a guy to feel like he's being lied to, or waste his time if dating a sex worker is a dealbreaker for him.

    What would you recommend?

    Great advice from ShaSha.
    I also recommend a bit more self confidence and respect from you to yourself. You are definitely a great human being and someone that cannot get past your job, to get to know you better ... then trust me, hun, you do NOT want them in your life. Be assertive, tell it from the first date/chat and send out that vibe "This is who I am and this is what I am doing, take it or leave it, I'll be fine both ways". Self doubt/shame/lack of confidence reflects in people/relationships that will make you doubt yourself even more.

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    Veteran Member innocentindian's Avatar
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    Smiley Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    You ladies are right! It's a hot girl summer, so I should grab some of those vibes and confidence! Thank you

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I'm all about transparency, but I think it's also smart to keep safety in mind. If you already know any guys you're going out with VERY well and are sure they're not going to get weird about it, fair enough, but if you're at all seeing guys who you don't know well I would personally feel uncomfortable telling them about camming until I felt like I did know them well. Personally, I would absolutely not ever put my job on a dating profile. That's way too risky for me. Not worried about being rejected, I'd worry about being stalked or doxxed. Someone who knows you in real life knowing your cam name (or any info that could lead them to it) is just as potentially dangerous as someone who knows you on cam knowing your real name. That's pretty risky info to spread around to a bunch of people, especially ones you don't know well. Just be careful.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    There's a big difference between honesty and disclosure. How would you know if a guy is worthy of knowing such private aspect of your life? I wouldn't tell on the first date. Does he tells you everything? I highly doubt it. For all you know he could a rapist, pedophile or another Ted Bundy.

    I think it would be very telling if a guy is offended that you didn't tell him on your own terms. Any man worth keeping around would understand your perspective. If you feel safer not telling right away then that should be more than enough.

    As a Trans woman, I've also dealt with guys feeling they were lied to or tricked because I didn't disclose being Trans up front.
    I tell them that I too feel tricked because I thought they were decent ***mic drop ***


    Quote Originally Posted by innocentindian View Post
    After a few dates and things are getting more serious?
    I feel safer this way, but I don't want a guy to feel like he's being lied to, or waste his time if dating a sex worker is a dealbreaker for him.
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Carmen~ View Post
    I can see you being 90 and flipping your long hair, still teasing the boys.



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    God/dess Miss_ShaSha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by Procrasturbator View Post
    I'm all about transparency, but I think it's also smart to keep safety in mind. If you already know any guys you're going out with VERY well and are sure they're not going to get weird about it, fair enough, but if you're at all seeing guys who you don't know well I would personally feel uncomfortable telling them about camming until I felt like I did know them well. Personally, I would absolutely not ever put my job on a dating profile. That's way too risky for me. Not worried about being rejected, I'd worry about being stalked or doxxed. Someone who knows you in real life knowing your cam name (or any info that could lead them to it) is just as potentially dangerous as someone who knows you on cam knowing your real name. That's pretty risky info to spread around to a bunch of people, especially ones you don't know well. Just be careful.



    I hear you. You've given some good advice.

    In my defense, I'm very selective and don't even give my number out until I get a good vibe from the man I've gone on a date with. I keep it to public meetings for the first 3 to 5 dates and sometimes don't even exchange contact information until the second date. I certainly don't tell anyone what site I'm on. I'm open, but I'm not stupid or unsafe. My safety is top priority.

    I think she needs to put her cards on the table. This is usually a safe bet to, like Nita has said, weed out the duds.
    Sha

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    God/dess Marina Starr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Disclosing what you do is a personal thing, I get it. Sometimes you meet someone and the vibe is so good and you want to share but those people are rare exceptions not the norms. Slow is better. Better safe than sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_ShaSha View Post
    ^^I hear you. You've given some good advice.

    In my defense, I'm very selective and don't even give my number out until I get a good vibe from the man I've gone on a date with. I keep it to public meetings for the first 3 to 5 dates and sometimes don't even exchange contact information until the second date. I certainly don't tell anyone what site I'm on. I'm open, but I'm not stupid or unsafe. My safety is top priority.

    I think she needs to put her cards on the table. This is usually a safe bet to, like Nita has sade, weed out the duds.
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Carmen~ View Post
    I can see you being 90 and flipping your long hair, still teasing the boys.



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    Veteran Member innocentindian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Staying safe is my main worry about telling guys upfront. Maybe I should say I'm an advocate for sex worker's rights and see how they feel about that? And disclose my SW status after I know them a lot better.

    It sucks when people find out and treat you differently. I had a male friend who was my bestie since we were kids, all through college, and he ghosted me when he found out :/

    I also had a friends with benefits guy react weirdly when I told him I sold my panties online (before I discovered camming) and we were pretty close before!

    It feels like no matter how good a guy is or how strong the relationship is, when they find out they will treat you positive or negative, regardless of your bond. As if you somehow changed instantly as a person just for being in sex work.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    ^ I always wait until date 3-4 until they have a feel for me / what I'm doing for vanilla life goals ect.

    I feel like otherwise it can just be so surprising. Plus I'm closeted / highly discreet. I need to trust them that they will not blab before I disclose ( I dance here and there but felt like the answer may apply ) . I like your idea about talking about sex worker rights . Sometimes I do that as well by talking about my " friend " in sex work and seeing what they do before I disclose.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I bet you thought he'd be cool with it. What being a Hoe and Trans taught me is, people you think would be totally accepting, could be the totally opposite. People you think would not be accepting, can pleasantly surprise you.

    Quote Originally Posted by innocentindian View Post
    Staying safe is my main worry about telling guys upfront. Maybe I should say I'm an advocate for sex worker's rights and see how they feel about that? And disclose my SW status after I know them a lot better.

    It sucks when people find out and treat you differently. I had a male friend who was my bestie since we were kids, all through college, and he ghosted me when he found out :/

    I also had a friends with benefits guy react weirdly when I told him I sold my panties online (before I discovered camming) and we were pretty close before!

    It feels like no matter how good a guy is or how strong the relationship is, when they find out they will treat you positive or negative, regardless of your bond.
    Quote Originally Posted by ~Carmen~ View Post
    I can see you being 90 and flipping your long hair, still teasing the boys.



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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I've had 2 serious relationships and one not so serious but still drawn out one since I started camming. I told them all like a couple dates in, basically when I knew for sure that I liked and trusted them. Initially I said I worked from home doing work pertaining to online streaming platforms or some vague bullshit like that. IMO camming is the easiest area of sex work to be dating in because a surprising amount of guys are totally fine with it since you don't like meet up with anyone or interact with custies in real life.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Ive been in a long term relationship and I started this after we got together, but if I was ever single I'd say right away - assuming I felt safe to

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    First date. I want them to know from day one so they can make choices early on.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I do it in phases. At first if work comes up I say "online sales" ( I mean technically that's true lol) and then move on to another subject. After a couple weeks, I mention that the sales is on adult sites (again technically true) and then I see how they react to that before going further.

    I'm not ashamed of camming but I don't want everyone knowing because I don't want to deal with their ignorant reactions.

    My main reason for it is I want to feel safe. I think there's too many men out there that would use my job as a justification to do bad things to me so there's no way I'd tell someone before meeting in person or on the first date. I have to feel like I know the person and have it where we've both shared personal things before I'll mention it. My job is on a need to know basis. I tell them when I feel they need to know. It's always within the first month when it's still that fun, casual, getting to know you time but where I'm starting to think I"d like it to go further.

    My approach might seem a bit silly but every guy I've had relationships with since I started camming were all fine with it and it was never an issue.

    Also, even after I tell them I cam, I have never told any of them my performer name or the site I'm on. Sure they can google and try to find me if they want but I'm not helping them out.
    Last edited by Holly_xoxo; 08-30-2019 at 07:47 PM.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by Procrasturbator View Post
    I'm all about transparency, but I think it's also smart to keep safety in mind. If you already know any guys you're going out with VERY well and are sure they're not going to get weird about it, fair enough, but if you're at all seeing guys who you don't know well I would personally feel uncomfortable telling them about camming until I felt like I did know them well. Personally, I would absolutely not ever put my job on a dating profile. That's way too risky for me. Not worried about being rejected, I'd worry about being stalked or doxxed. Someone who knows you in real life knowing your cam name (or any info that could lead them to it) is just as potentially dangerous as someone who knows you on cam knowing your real name. That's pretty risky info to spread around to a bunch of people, especially ones you don't know well. Just be careful.
    this. I've heard of horror stories from other camgirls about some fucked up doxxing-related dating scenarios. Basically, girl put herself on a public dating site (not necessarily mentioning her cam job.) Guy hits her up, they go on a date and hit it off, so naturally she gives him her real name and phone number. Maybe address. Several dates in, he then discloses he already knows about her camming job, because he's actually a customer who recognized her and didn't mention it until now. Basically instant blackmail material and doxxing risk, not to mention awkward as fuck (like, oh thanks for not telling me you've already seen my vagina and paid to get off to me before). No fucking thank you.

    I don't mean to be extreme or fear mongering. But honestly, I would tread super carefully particularly if you're dating strangers who have no connections to your current social circles. At the very least I would advise meeting/dating friends of friends so that people you already know and trust can vouch for the other person. And then really feel like you've gotten to know them before you can trust them with info about your job. But obviously that's not necessarily foolproof either. The point is, there will always be risks and you have to gauge them yourself. General advice, if you do want to be honest about your job with anyone in your life, geoblock their area to lessen the risk of them discovering and doxxing you, never tell them what site you work on, and never ever tell them your cam name.

    Edit: also one more tip for anyone who cams and also uses dating sites or any personal social media in general -- DO NOT upload the same photos across work and personal sites. It is a super easy Google search to connect the two together.
    Last edited by anonamiss; 08-30-2019 at 07:40 PM.

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    Featured Member Holly_xoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by anonamiss View Post
    this. I've heard of horror stories from other camgirls about some fucked up doxxing-related dating scenarios. Basically, girl put herself on a public dating site (not necessarily mentioning her cam job.) Guy hits her up, they go on a date and hit it off, so naturally she gives him her real name and phone number. Maybe address. Several dates in, he then discloses he already knows about her camming job, because he's actually a customer who recognized her and didn't mention it until now. Basically instant blackmail material and doxxing risk, not to mention awkward as fuck (like, oh thanks for not telling me you've already seen my vagina and paid to get off to me before). No fucking thank you.

    I don't mean to be extreme or fear mongering. But honestly, I would tread super carefully particularly if you're dating strangers who have no connections to your current social circles. At the very least I would advise meeting/dating friends of friends so that people you already know and trust can vouch for the other person. And then really feel like you've gotten to know them before you can trust them with info about your job. But obviously that's not necessarily foolproof either. The point is, there will always be risks and you have to gauge them yourself. General advice, if you do want to be honest about your job with anyone in your life, geoblock their area to lessen the risk of them discovering and doxxing you, never tell them what site you work on, and never ever tell them your cam name.

    Edit: also one more tip for anyone who cams and also uses dating sites or any personal social media in general -- DO NOT upload the same photos across work and personal sites. It is a super easy Google search to connect the two together.
    I've been recognized 3 different times on dating sites and it really creeped me out. Makes me wonder how many others have and don't tell me. Luckily the men that mentioned it didn't get my phone number or real name but they do know what town I'm in now. It's one of the reasons why I don't go on dating apps anymore or at least am taking a long break from it.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I don't tell anyone new until I really think the relationship has the potential of going somewhere. I give it some time. In the last 2 years I have dated a couple guys and things did not work out and I am happy I never told them. I have a vanilla side business and that is what I tell people that I do. I don't trust people easily. It is too easy for certain people to get pissed off after a breakup or maybe they are the type that can't keep their mouth closed and spreads your personal life to other people. I value my safety and my personal information. I keep my adult business way under wraps. Let the guy prove to you first that he is trustworthy, accepting of alternative ways of making a living and is mature.

    Before I started camming, I used to be on 2 dating sites and I got recognized a lot. At the gym, bar, grocery store, gas station, and my neighbor. It felt weird. Now, I never go on them because I cam and do not want to be recognized by cam customers.
    Last edited by LizzyMe; 08-31-2019 at 01:27 AM.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I'm thinking I would tell after the first three or four dates. Not too soon but I also would not want to waste too much time on someone who might turn out to be judgmental. I'm pretty open about what I do. I have not dated in 38 years so it would all be weird anyway. lol
    Last edited by ~Carmen~; 08-31-2019 at 12:44 AM.
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I don't think it's safe to tell acquaintances and strange men because there's a lot of abusers and even killers out there (and men see sex workers as targets/disposable). not to say you have to lie but say online marketing or something until you know you can trust the person (same for women too actually people people gossip and word can get around)

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    All the comments after mine make a lot of sense, I’ve always dated friends and people I already knew so yeah if it was a random I might be more cautious

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    I have to remember that some people aren't already super private and naturally hard to get to know. It never occured to me that "only tell someone you trust" would need to be said, in which case you guys are right.

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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by LizzyMe View Post
    I don't tell anyone new until I really think the relationship has the potential of going somewhere
    In my opinion that is the right thing to do. And when you tell him, don't mention any sites you're working on, don't tell him your stage name and give him the minimum of informations.

    I've seen a camgirl recently who dumped his bf and as a revenge, he sent her name, address, Fb page and phone number to several rooms. Be very very careful, you never know what can happen, even if he seems trustworthy, wait until you're absolutely sure, even if take several months.

    Good luck
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    Default Re: Dating And Camming - When to tell your partner?

    Quote Originally Posted by innocentindian View Post
    Hi ladies,

    I've been single for a while (since before I started camming) because I didn't have the time / energy to date. Things have finally smoothed out in my life and I'm ready to get back into the dating scene, but I don't know how to tell potential partners that I'm a camgirl / make solo porn for a living.

    First date?
    I'm worried guys will judge me / shut down before they've gotten a chance to know me as a human being. Or worse, they'll try to shame / threaten / save me

    After a few dates and things are getting more serious?
    I feel safer this way, but I don't want a guy to feel like he's being lied to, or waste his time if dating a sex worker is a dealbreaker for him.

    What would you recommend?
    With dating I set the rules up front. I don't have time to be with a guy who has issues around sex work. I am not going to break up my schedule to spend time with someone who is not bringing me joy.

    So yes early on I need to know can they handle my work, can they handle I might make more money then them. plus other things like I don't want surprises of who is paying the bill for dinner

    I already dealt with friendships having issues with my work, so not going to waste my time in a romantic relationship with the same issues.

    It come down to which relationships are serious future commitment level, and which ones are casual with an end date.

    Yes it came be hard sometimes being in a relationship that has an end date within a year, but they teach you lessons of what you enjoy and don't so the next relationship gets to a commitment level faster or not.
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