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Thread: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

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    Default Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Hello everyone im new here, I just needed some advice on my situation and how to get back to dancing. I'm currently ina abusive relationship with a 43 year old man i met when i was dancing like 3 years ago, ive tried so many times to leave but with nowhere to go and afraid to step in club afraid to see him... I end up right back tryna figure out my next move. And all this time none of my plans worked amd ive given up. But seeing hustlers omg i miss dancing. Im 20 years old wtf i am still doing here. But anyways im from Jacksonville Florida so if anyone could give me tips on how to get out my situation and some good clubs and tips how to get around on my own.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Have you considered going to a woman's shelter? Do you have any family you can stay with? Do you have any money saved?

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Yes i have thought about that but i wouldn't know my next move after that and im a little embarrassed to have to go there. That was my last option. i do have family but they're on drugs and just a whole sitiation I've been through before and ended back with him because i knew i would have somewhere to go and be financially straight. No i don't have money saved, i dropped outta school to be with him when i was 17 and been working dead end jobs since. All my money has went to helping him with bills and my brother in jail. I have my last check coming from my last job he made me quit coming in like a week. But trying to go back dancing to get my money back up will take all that getting costumes shoes etc. Im still tryna figure all this out
    Last edited by Sparkles99; 09-19-2019 at 01:58 AM.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Not being judgmental but you met this man when you were under aged at 17 correct? When you say abusive mental and or physical? I'm asking to see what groups you can reach out to.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    A lot of women's shelters can get you the contact info for Legal Aid lawyers and referrals for places to stay/work while you are trying to get away from this guy.

    I'm going to PM you later today. I will say be very careful since it sounds like you have been with this guy for a long time and the longer a relationship is, it's harder to make a clean break.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. So it’s best to leave sooner than later.

    Since you watched the movie Hustlers watch Sleeping With The Enemy (a classic movie also staring JLo and her leaving her abusive fiancé)

    Don’t try to do this on your own. Like mentioned reach out to people who can help like a professional therapist or as others mentioned women’s shelters.

    Me personally I’d file a restraining order AND report him every time he has the gall to physically abuse

    He sounds like a broke loser so if you moved somewhere out of state/travel danced then he most likely would not have the resources to traipse after you.

    And you probably should rethink giving your brother and this abuser money. Firstly you have to take care of yourself first before trying to help others and secondly you are enabling grown men to depend on you financially and finally you are essentially paying a dude to abuse you so unless you are into s&m this is no longer a good idea.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    I've been in a similar situation before. A women's shelter is your best option if family and friends are not. They can help you with a place to stay, help you file a restraining order against him, government assistance resources, etc. You have to get away from this man or it will only get worse. He might start getting you pregnant next to keep you tied to him. With abusive men you never know when they could snap and possibly kill you. I hope you get the help you need to get out of this situation.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    Yes i have thought about that but i wouldn't know my next move after that and im a little embarrassed to have to go there. That was my last option. i do have family but they're on drugs and just a whole sitiation I've been through before and ended back with him because i knew i would have somewhere to go and be financially straight. No i don't have money saved, i dropped outta school to be with him when i was 17 and been working dead end jobs since. All my money has went to helping him with bills and my brother in jail. I have my last check coming from my last job he made me quit coming in like a week. But trying to go back dancing to get my money back up will take all that getting costumes shoes etc. Im still tryna figure all this out
    If you currently don't have a job or money, would you consider joining the military? You'll have a place to live and money coming in.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Please be careful - right around when you leave is the most dangerous time. Perhaps don't go to the nearest shelter, don't go to family he knows and don't work in a place he knows. Especially please be careful if he has a "change of heart" and suddenly becomes nice after you leave. It isn't real.
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by WendiStarr View Post
    I've been in a similar situation before. A women's shelter is your best option if family and friends are not. They can help you with a place to stay, help you file a restraining order against him, government assistance resources, etc. You have to get away from this man or it will only get worse. He might start getting you pregnant next to keep you tied to him. With abusive men you never know when they could snap and possibly kill you. I hope you get the help you need to get out of this situation.
    What Wendi said. Here is a link with some J'ville area women's shelters:

    https://www.womenshelters.org/cit/fl-jacksonville

    There's really no point in getting into the whole club scene discussion until you first get your safety established.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    + 1 for the womens shelter !! You could even go visit and talk to someone most likely who can help you formulate a good plan .

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    The abuse is both mental and physical, but thank you to everyone who commented i will take the advice and put it to use. Yes i met him when i was 17 and now im 20 so it's harder to leave especially when he's always fucking home trying to watch my every move. I get a few times out the day like right now to reach out and ask for advice which i just found the strength and plave to do it. I haven't called a shelter because im scared he'll find out before i get a chance to leave. Ive started packing my stuff little by little but not packing everything so he won't notice things are gone. I'll eventually get it right and figure it out. I just needed women who's been through this or seen situations like this to give me insight on what to do. I really appreciate every comment

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    If you would feel safer going to another city, here's the address and phone number of the Greyhound bus station in Jacksonville:

    1111 W Forsyth St, Jacksonville, FL 32204
    (904) 356-9976

    You can go to Atlanta for $28 and Miami for $40

    Here's the site:
    https://www.greyhound.com/en/

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    The abuse is both mental and physical, but thank you to everyone who commented i will take the advice and put it to use. Yes i met him when i was 17 and now im 20 so it's harder to leave especially when he's always fucking home trying to watch my every move. I get a few times out the day like right now to reach out and ask for advice which i just found the strength and plave to do it. I haven't called a shelter because im scared he'll find out before i get a chance to leave. Ive started packing my stuff little by little but not packing everything so he won't notice things are gone. I'll eventually get it right and figure it out. I just needed women who's been through this or seen situations like this to give me insight on what to do. I really appreciate every comment
    If you have the opportunity to pack little by little then you have the opportunity to leave. Call the police and ask them to escort you out if you really fear for your safety. From their a women's shelter can coach you on how to retrieve your belongings and re-establish yourself elsewhere.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    If you currently don't have a job or money, would you consider joining the military? You'll have a place to live and money coming in.
    You would also be super safe if you went this route! He wouldn’t be able to find you and you’d be protected while on base.

    As far as packing your things, you may simply have to cut and run when the opportunity presents itself. Good luck and I hope you are able to keep us updated!

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    The abuse is both mental and physical, but thank you to everyone who commented i will take the advice and put it to use. Yes i met him when i was 17 and now im 20 so it's harder to leave especially when he's always fucking home trying to watch my every move. I get a few times out the day like right now to reach out and ask for advice which i just found the strength and plave to do it. I haven't called a shelter because im scared he'll find out before i get a chance to leave. Ive started packing my stuff little by little but not packing everything so he won't notice things are gone. I'll eventually get it right and figure it out. I just needed women who's been through this or seen situations like this to give me insight on what to do. I really appreciate every comment
    You might have to leave a lot of things behind (It's terrible but if he notices a lot of items being moved around or sold he'll figure it out on his own.)

    DO put your ID, government paperwork and any other important documents where only you know where they are.

    You can use the local library to scan and save documents to an email account or Drop Box. It's usually very cheap to do and the librarians can help you.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    if you can file a restraining order, DO IT! Keep any/all text messages or contact where he has threatened you, etc. you may need it later. Good luck and I'm glad you've taken the steps to get away from him. Pack all of your stuff and get out of there SOON before it gets worse! You don't need that shit in your life any longer!

    The club is a great financial resource and can help you get back on your feet. Hopping on a bus and dancing elsewhere sounds like a fantastic way to do this. Good luck

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Im scared to call the police especially while im here, he knows where almost all my family lives and he has threatened me many times before he would hurt my family and if not him he has family amd friends i believe would because they dont know whats going on. He has callee his own daughters on me to fight me at my job plenty of times when i left him and taking pictures of my family saying he will kidnap them and hold them hostage until i come back to him. But i will most likely leave at night when he's asleep its the best time to leave safety wise and with the ability to grab the bag i have packed. And he also leaves his 6 year old son with me while he leaves, another reason why i cant leave when he leaves. But i will take all advice into consideration thanks again. All of my id's and ss card is in my wallet which i always have with me on my side of bed. I thought about going to another state but starting over by myself being a high school drop out is so hard to think about figuring out. Ill go to a womens shelter ive looked up since you ladies referred that to me. Thank you very much for this

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Yes thanks you so much love, i know i deserve better. I was 17 when i got into this shit and im 20 almost 21 so im tired of going through this. I know there is so much more to life than this bullshit. I was thinking about hopping on greyhound as well but also trying to think about where i would stay or get around. So I'll probably do that once i go to a shelter and figure out all that stuff ina safer environment. If i was to get on a greyhound and go to miami or atlanta to dance how much is the regular average hotels or bnb's there ?? Ive also researched these clubs that include housing... Is it safe and reliable ?

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    Yes thanks you so much love, i know i deserve better. I was 17 when i got into this shit and im 20 almost 21 so im tired of going through this. I know there is so much more to life than this bullshit. I was thinking about hopping on greyhound as well but also trying to think about where i would stay or get around. So I'll probably do that once i go to a shelter and figure out all that stuff ina safer environment. If i was to get on a greyhound and go to miami or atlanta to dance how much is the regular average hotels or bnb's there ?? Ive also researched these clubs that include housing... Is it safe and reliable ?
    Greyhound bus ticket counters do require a state ID & offer a discount if the ticket is purchased a couple weeks in advance.

    Re- clubs that offer housing- call directly and ask, or (honestly) get settled first with a cheap weekly or monthly rental & go from there. You can always upgrade your living arrangement when you start making money.

    Atlanta clubs do require licenses FYI. Some of the smaller strip bars along the Eastern seaboard are more casual and just want minimal info from dancers (photocopy of driver's license or State ID, signature on club contract and/or 1099 paperwork.)

    When you can buy a small messenger bag or fanny pack bag. (So you can store cash and other valuables without worrying about losing those things.) A lot of shelters also give out backpacks and jackets especially with winter coming up. Just make sure you know where your ID and cash is at all times once you get on the road.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    Im scared to call the police especially while im here, he knows where almost all my family lives and he has threatened me many times before he would hurt my family and if not him he has family amd friends i believe would because they dont know whats going on. He has callee his own daughters on me to fight me at my job plenty of times when i left him and taking pictures of my family saying he will kidnap them and hold them hostage until i come back to him. But i will most likely leave at night when he's asleep its the best time to leave safety wise and with the ability to grab the bag i have packed. And he also leaves his 6 year old son with me while he leaves, another reason why i cant leave when he leaves. But i will take all advice into consideration thanks again. All of my id's and ss card is in my wallet which i always have with me on my side of bed. I thought about going to another state but starting over by myself being a high school drop out is so hard to think about figuring out. Ill go to a womens shelter ive looked up since you ladies referred that to me. Thank you very much for this
    You need to report these threats to the police once you leave, and ask the police to talk to him.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Sparkles99 View Post
    And he also leaves his 6 year old son with me while he leaves, another reason why i cant leave when he leaves. But i will take all advice into consideration thanks again.
    Does he have any relatives you could leave his son with, if you left while he was out?

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Correction

    The movie with jennefer Lopez leaving an abusive situation is called Enough https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0278435/

    Sleeping with the enemy is a similar theme movie starring Julia Roberts https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0102945/?ref_=m_nv_sr_1

    Both good films about up n leaving their abusive partners

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    You need to report these threats to the police once you leave, and ask the police to talk to him.
    This is just what I’d do ... if it’s legal, I’d *discreetly* record these threats (I’m assuming he’s doing this in private so no on has witnessed it) then turn in said proof to the authorities. Often times police don’t do shit unless they have hard evidence (ex you got physically injured by him, he’s in the act of abusing when they pull up, the act of physical abuse/threat to kill is caught on camera/audio etc) .... because it sounds like this dude should be arrested and put in jail

    His threats to kill your family (most likely a mind game to keep you obedient) should be taken seriously in the off chance he is that deranged. They should be aware that someone threatened their lives so they can protect themselves accordingly.

    *disclaimer - I don’t know your situation aside from the few posts so do what makes you feel safe but also remember in the eyes of the law: if it’s not on record - it didn’t happen
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 09-21-2019 at 06:57 AM.

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    Default Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    This is just what I’d do ... if it’s legal, I’d *discreetly* record these threats (I’m assuming he’s doing this in private so no on has witnessed it) then turn in said proof to the authorities. Often times police don’t do shit unless they have hard evidence (ex you got physically injured by him, he’s in the act of abusing when they pull up, the act of physical abuse/threat to kill is caught on camera/audio etc) .... because it sounds like this dude should be arrested and put in jail
    The police most likely won't arrest him if there isn't evidence, but they can still talk to him on the phone or in person, to let him know someone feels threatened by him. This would probably make him think twice about doing anything rash. It will also be on record that there was a complaint filed against him.

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    Thumbs up Re: Ex Dancer Trying to Leave Abusive Boyfriend and Get Back in the Game

    Quote Originally Posted by Ifyouseekamy View Post
    10 years in recovery ACA survivor. You need three things to break the cycle support, counseling, and some sort of spirituality.

    Honestly, going to the shelter is your best bet. You don’t have to decide anything but I highly recommend going to support group. Get an emergency bag with a little bit of money, a phone, your ID’s, important documents. Make an emergency bag and a safety plan. Do you have a safe place you can stay until you can get on your feet.

    I left my abusive ex-husband 10 years ago with nothing but a suit case and dancing is what helped me leave. I found a roommate on roommates.com and then went back to the club. I left everything a house, cars, and career. I’d do it all over again.

    You don’t have to see the whole stair case, you just have to take the first step in faith -MLK-

    Good for for getting out. I left a outwardly great situation because money doesn’t matter when your miserable & scared most days. First time you reach out for help will be the hardest.

    IME most people - or at least many- will help if you ask. So the shelter is great, the rest will come.

    “Leap and the Net will Appear “ -

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