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Thread: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

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    Default Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months and we like to go out to restaurants together. He has a good steady job with great benefits, owns a house, and has been working for the same company for 15 years. I enjoyed his company, we did a lot of fun things together and I brought him out of his shell a lot (he’s more of a stay at home type and I like to go out and have fun). I thought things were going good but today at dinner when we were at a restaurant he pissed me off so much...last time we ate out I paid. He complained that he always pays when we go out and that our relationship feels one sided. I argued that it’s not one sided and that I’m not making that much money right now at my sales job and the money I do make goes towards paying my bills. That should have been the end of it, I should have ended it right there...stupidly, i thought I’d be nice by taking him out for once. I did and it went fine. I assume when he took me out tonight he’d be paying since I paid last time...but no, he thought I would pay and he got pissed at me when I told him no, it’s your turn. I paid last time. He says ‘’I’ve been paying the whole time we’ve been seeing each other, you haven’t paid for shit!’’ I angrily demanded he drive me home and did not say one word to him in the car. I was fuming, if I said one word to him I would have blown up! Tomorrow I’m gonna text him that I don’t want to see him anymore...I’m so f’cking done with cheap guys!!! I will never be with a guy who makes me feel bad about not making that much money. I want to go back to dancing again TBH so I’m not struggling. Has anyone ever had something like this happen, what would you have done? Sorry such a long post, I just need to vent lol

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Oh God, is this the new generation of men? I feel like it used to be a sense of pride that they were the provider & paying for dates, but that's going away. It doesn't have to be a bad thing but the way some of them act is awful - i.e. inviting the girl out and then expecting her to pay for half. I think whoever extends the invite should pay.

    It's one thing if a couple wants to split things from the beginning & that's just their status quo. The fact that he was paying all this time & is now approaching it like a whiny baby is off-putting. I think you're doing the right thing. It's a red flag of how he'll approach finances in the future of a couple-dom.

    My ex was similar in whining that he paid for everything. He was not well off, but that was of his own doing as he insisted on working a bullshit entry level job. I was a broke student who hadn't started stripping regularly yet. He invited me to move into his house (that he OWNED, with a mortgage) and then after a few months started getting shitty that I didn't pay 'rent', or buy enough groceries, or that he had paid for all the outings (again, that were HIS idea). By the end he was trying to make me his maid because he felt it made up for my 'not paying for enough things'.

    Be glad this guy showed his true colors so early, you dodged a bullet!
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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Nope I’d end it too if I were you.

    Thankfully I’ve had guys always pay.

    Now they did complain about sex though lol! Like they assume that you should eventually trade pussy for food. Idiots!!!

    That could have been it. Maybe he felt like it was time you suck a dick for all those dinners idk. Or maybe he was a 50/50 type dude and felt like you needed to pay for 6 dates since he paid 6 dates or whatever.

    Some guys are also also resentful of women who make less than they do because they don’t like having to work harder, pay more because they feel like the woman “chose” to be in that low paying job so she could slack off while the dude busts his ass. Also could be he was just looking for anything to piss you off so you could end the relationship

    Idk

    That just shows you a guy can have money (or has the appearance of having money) but be as stingy and miserly as someone who’s about to lose their last few dollars

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Thanks ladies! And @missAP: we’ve been sexual with each other from the beginning, so that’s not an issue. I don’t know why he would fuck things up like that but I don’t care anymore, I’m so done with his cheap ass! Men should not judge women on how much money they make if they truly love them!

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    That would be a wrap for me too. I've never paid for a date. I'd tell him I forgot my wallet and next him. At least you didn't waste much time with him and there was no real emotional involvement.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    Oh God, is this the new generation of men? I feel like it used to be a sense of pride that they were the provider & paying for dates, but that's going away. It doesn't have to be a bad thing but the way some of them act is awful - i.e. inviting the girl out and then expecting her to pay for half. I think whoever extends the invite should pay.

    It's one thing if a couple wants to split things from the beginning & that's just their status quo. The fact that he was paying all this time & is now approaching it like a whiny baby is off-putting. I think you're doing the right thing. It's a red flag of how he'll approach finances in the future of a couple-dom.

    My ex was similar in whining that he paid for everything. He was not well off, but that was of his own doing as he insisted on working a bullshit entry level job. I was a broke student who hadn't started stripping regularly yet. He invited me to move into his house (that he OWNED, with a mortgage) and then after a few months started getting shitty that I didn't pay 'rent', or buy enough groceries, or that he had paid for all the outings (again, that were HIS idea). By the end he was trying to make me his maid because he felt it made up for my 'not paying for enough things'.

    Be glad this guy showed his true colors so early, you dodged a bullet!
    Girl yes. Most of them are shitty like that AND spoiled.... If you see the stuff I've witnessed... Good Lord. God help us.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    I guess I'm the only one, but I think it would be 50/50 or at least like 75/25.. With you paying a fourth of the time. The only time I would feel comfortable with him paying all the time would be if he was a customer. I feel terrible having my bf pay for all my food, drinks etc.. I just don't see why I should expect him to.. Especially now that we are seeing women as equals

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by EastCoastDancer01 View Post
    I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months and we like to go out to restaurants together. He has a good steady job with great benefits, owns a house, and has been working for the same company for 15 years. I enjoyed his company, we did a lot of fun things together and I brought him out of his shell a lot (he’s more of a stay at home type and I like to go out and have fun). I thought things were going good but today at dinner when we were at a restaurant he pissed me off so much...last time we ate out I paid. He complained that he always pays when we go out and that our relationship feels one sided. I argued that it’s not one sided and that I’m not making that much money right now at my sales job and the money I do make goes towards paying my bills. That should have been the end of it, I should have ended it right there...stupidly, i thought I’d be nice by taking him out for once. I did and it went fine. I assume when he took me out tonight he’d be paying since I paid last time...but no, he thought I would pay and he got pissed at me when I told him no, it’s your turn. I paid last time. He says ‘’I’ve been paying the whole time we’ve been seeing each other, you haven’t paid for shit!’’ I angrily demanded he drive me home and did not say one word to him in the car. I was fuming, if I said one word to him I would have blown up! Tomorrow I’m gonna text him that I don’t want to see him anymore...I’m so f’cking done with cheap guys!!! I will never be with a guy who makes me feel bad about not making that much money. I want to go back to dancing again TBH so I’m not struggling. Has anyone ever had something like this happen, what would you have done? Sorry such a long post, I just need to vent lol
    I agree with you 100%. If he's not willing to pay for you, it comes across to me that he doesn't appreciate you.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by KenzieJ View Post
    I guess I'm the only one, but I think it would be 50/50 or at least like 75/25.. With you paying a fourth of the time. The only time I would feel comfortable with him paying all the time would be if he was a customer. I feel terrible having my bf pay for all my food, drinks etc.. I just don't see why I should expect him to.. Especially now that we are seeing women as equals
    I honesty agree. I think being with an abusive man that had money is why my view on a man paying for everything is so....ugh. I just can't do it. I don't want it. The thought makes my anxiety peak around the curtains.

    Add to the fact that I show my affection by buying people shit and you have a woman who just does not mesh with a relationship based on stuff like that. If I walk up to a guy TRYING to be his sugar baby then that's different. Pay me, hoe. But a guy that I see a future with is going to have to sneak it if he wants to pay one of my bills.

    The whole concept makes me feel like i have bugs on my back. Just ....bleeggghhh. I'd feel like I was taking advantage and I can't do that to someone I love.

    Now...him having the ability to pay is important because I do value a man who can provide. But, as backwards as it is, I don't want him to ever exercise his full ability.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Honestly I would have gone to the restroom and ordered an Uber before I paid for dinner. In the past I've walked out on dates but that was because they were tacky and mentioned sex.

    @Eastcoastdancer I think bringing up that issue during dinner was tacky. Not only is he petty but it appears he's not that great at communication. I don't think it's wrong of him to want to set some boundaries but not at the restaurant. I don't like drama kings.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by KenzieJ View Post
    I guess I'm the only one, but I think it would be 50/50 or at least like 75/25.. With you paying a fourth of the time. The only time I would feel comfortable with him paying all the time would be if he was a customer. I feel terrible having my bf pay for all my food, drinks etc.. I just don't see why I should expect him to.. Especially now that we are seeing women as equals
    I agree with OP but also with you depending on context.
    I think in OP's case it's that he had set the status quo as that he was going to pay for things & then suddenly got salty about it. He probably could have approached it differently and not gotten split up with.

    IMO, in the beginning of a relationship where one person is still inviting the other out is different than later when it's like "So what are we going to do this weekend?" That's the point when I don't expect one person to pay for everything, if that makes sense as a distinction.

    My SO tends to pay for most of our outings just because that's his upbringing but I sometimes get the server's tip, buy our coffee at Sbux, etc. I think it's less about the $$ amount and more about the gesture with a lot of people. Maybe that's what OP's dude was feeling but then again, she did pay for a meal & he still got shitty the next time, so possibly not. Who knows!
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    I don’t “date” for a couple reasons (#1 married). But, if I did ask someone out I’d pay. If it was more of a mutual thing, I’d still probably pay. If we were living together, I’d probably pay. I’m not wealthy, but I enjoy gifting people I like. I’m also a pretty traditional OWG.

    But if the other person comes up with the idea and says right up front she/he is going to pay, I'm totally good with that too.
    Last edited by MrDuckie; 10-16-2019 at 06:14 PM.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Something I forgot to mention; during dinner he told me he was probably going to get a promotion and salary raise, he was almost positive about it! Like why even bring that up if you plan on being a stingy freeloading bastard?! For the record I didn’t pay, he used his credit card because he had no choice. And I have taken him out before and treated him, not a whole lot, but more than once! He should appreciate it!

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    It seems like he makes more so maybe he is hoping to transition the dates to 25% ( you cover ) and 75% him ?

    I am not sure what to advise. Eating out is my weakness and I don't like it when men don't support it hahaha.

    BUT ..... it seems like he has treated you quite a bit. I hope he just turns his mind around. Do you guys dine out like once a week for $60- $100 for example or is it more often / higher weekly than that ? It does seem like he is getting a sweet deal and he can afford to treat.

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    Featured Member EastCoastDancer01's Avatar
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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    We go out once or twice a week and we don’t go to super expensive places either...he may spend $100 tops a week on taking me out which he can definitely afford! Right now I’m not making a lot of money so now isn’t a good time for him to expect me to pick up the tabs when we go out...since he can’t be understanding of that and handled it in the worst way, I’m done with him. Even if he apologizes to me, this has made me view him negatively and not want anything to do with him.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Aw. Yeah, $70 - $100 on dating a week is not really much. I hope he comes around ( if you want him too ) .

    I'm such a sucker for dining. My heart honestly hurts for you getting the strings tightened on it . Lol.

    Edit to add : perhaps he is encountering some kind of difficulty right now and doesn't want to disclose ? Possible. You may have to feel it out and see how it goes.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 10-17-2019 at 08:22 PM.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Woman shouldn’t pay period. A real man wouldn’t do that. If you make more than him then start dating up. This guy seems low-class, there are so many people in this world why settle for that. And to the other girls who say they are uncomfortable bc they are supposed to be “equal”....equal doesn’t mean the same. You can have respect for a woman and still be a provider.
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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    I’ve let guys (even rich guys) guilt me into paying for stuff. At this point my mindset is I’m not paying, period. Occasionally, yes I’ll pay. But the type of man that I’m manifesting takes pride in providing for me and our future family. It doesn’t even FEEL right when I’m paying for stuff.

    ETA:
    when I say occasionally I’ll pay it’s because it’s a special occasion or I seesometbing I really want to get for my guy*
    Dress to kill the wallet.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by EastCoastDancer01 View Post
    Something I forgot to mention; during dinner he told me he was probably going to get a promotion and salary raise, he was almost positive about it! Like why even bring that up if you plan on being a stingy freeloading bastard?! For the record I didn’t pay, he used his credit card because he had no choice. And I have taken him out before and treated him, not a whole lot, but more than once! He should appreciate it!
    Because he is a miserly mf

    ThAts why.

    He could be the type of dude that makes millions, takes a teacher out, then expect her to go 50/50

    There are also narcissistic/sociopathic type dudes out there (not saying your dude is but...) who get off on seeing how much a woman will bend to his will/compromise herself. Knowing he has to do bare ass minimum or just enough to get by/to keep you, while you run on the hamster wheel (financially) to keep up/mantain your position with him

    I think he was bragging about his alleged raise to make you feel less accomplished than him.

    And if he was about to get a raise, don’t think for one second that meant he was going to start being more generous. That mention of a raise was strictly for bragging rights n ego boosting.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by KenzieJ View Post
    I guess I'm the only one, but I think it would be 50/50 or at least like 75/25.....Especially now that we are seeing women as equals
    You have to be REALLY careful about the men you date who have the 50/50 mentality

    If YOU want to be equal, go half all the time then that’s your right you’re entitled to

    However just be forewarned that narcissist and misogynistic men use the “women want to be equal to let’s treat them equally” as a trap to avoid being real men and convincing young women to lower their standards/accept their bare minimum
    /pull majority of the weight (be in the masculine role) in a relationship.

    These are the type of men who will have you working while you’re 9 months pregnant, have you paying for abortions, refuse to contribute to child support should the relationship/marriage end; have you working full time then coming home to clean the house cook n raise kids, have paying rent to them after they just wore your pussy out, use your marital financial accounts to pay for a young 20 year old side pussy they’ll eventually trade you in for ...... all cause you wanted to be equal

    When you go 50/50 these dudes if you give them an inch they will take a mile. Which will end up being more like 75 you/ 25 him

    Be careful girl!
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 10-20-2019 at 07:26 AM.

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Edit to add : perhaps he is encountering some kind of difficulty right now and doesn't want to disclose ? Possible. You may have to feel it out and see how it goes.
    Could be totally possible he has the appearance of doing well financially but he has maybe some bad debts or is overextended on his bills or whatever - that he hasn’t disclosed

    If this is the case then he still handled the situation immaturely (getting mad at her, not communicating properly, then trying to last minute bait n switch her into paying for the date)

    Ideally he would have switched or started off going on more affordable dates (ex museums, nature walks, star gazing, picnics) or just been friends till he got his finances in order.

    **this is IF he is having a genuine hardship

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    Default Re: Have you ever been guilted into paying?...

    Quote Originally Posted by EastCoastDancer01 View Post
    We go out once or twice a week and we don’t go to super expensive places either...he may spend $100 tops a week on taking me out which he can definitely afford! Right now I’m not making a lot of money so now isn’t a good time for him to expect me to pick up the tabs when we go out...since he can’t be understanding of that and handled it in the worst way, I’m done with him. Even if he apologizes to me, this has made me view him negatively and not want anything to do with him.
    Yup, time to kick him to the curb IMHO. I may be horribly old fashioned, but I still believe that a man who is courting a woman should pick up the tab, especially when he's making much more. Because if he's like that now, what's he going to be like if they move in together and then she gets pregnant and can't work as much?

    When I was dating and one of my relationships got to the point where we were seeing each other several times per week, I'd always be upfront when things were tighter than normal due to an unexpected or unusual expense. My expectation was that she'd understand and graciously agree to do dinner and a movie at my place or something else that would give me a breather. I was making good money during my dating years, but I also had big expenses and there were only so many big nights out that I could fund in any given month.

    Anyway, if he was tight that day/week for some reason, he should have just spoken up. Instead he made a scene and looked for you to pay for his dinner - not cool.

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