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Thread: Men’s need to compete?

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    Default Men’s need to compete?

    So it’s time to attract a meaningful relationship.

    I like you, you like me.

    But there is one problem I don’t quite understand - is it absolutely necessary for a guy to realize that other men could win you over before they do/that other men are attracted to you?

    If you’re on a date with a guy, most guys won’t hit on you so there is no chance to give them this social proof firsthand.

    The other way, I think is to tell a guy you’re dating about your adventures in a way that make them assume other men could be there. Ex. “Yeah bob I just came back from a wine tasting event with a friend”

    Can men be attracted without this sort of tactic or do they absolutely need to know other men are around and they need to step their game up?

    If so what is the best way to give social proof that other men desire you (in a way that he is aware of this fact and is not coming off in a negative way)?

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    I don't know what to tell you because what works for one man, might not work for the other. It seems that a lot of men have this hunter's instinct. If they think that you're waiting around for them, you're too easy of a catch for them, they'll get bored and move on to someone else or use you as a back burner option for when they don't have anyone else at the moment. When I was dating, if I thought that a guy was stalling or stringing me along, and he'd try to make last minute plans with me, I'd tell him that I already have a date that day with someone else. It seems typical these days for men to be dating multiple women at a time so do the same until you find one who seems decent.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    That’s interesting you mention who some men respond differently than others.

    I did some more digging and found this article

    http://www.jonathonaslay.com/2012/02...o-competition/

    The guy who wrote it says that some men become more competitive and try to win the woman over but other men don’t like the excessive competition/question woman’s seriousness for wanting long term relationship if she’s dating other men

    And if they never ask do you allude to the idea of possible other men anyways?

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    ^ I would use this strategy sparingly. It could seem like you are playing games.

    Nothing wrong with just plain HAVING a busy life ( family / friends ) and not being open last minute.

    I remember M doing stuff like this ( one time he told me about the jamba juice girl writing her # on the cup ) and I just kind of went " Um .... why are you telling me this ? " . I mean ..... I was already dating / fucking him. I'm not sure why he was trying to make me jealous hahah. Since he was good looking and VERY tall I assume he would get hit on anyway. I'm sure this guy realizes you don't just sit unattended at bars ect. you know ?

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    So it’s time to attract a meaningful relationship.

    I like you, you like me.

    But there is one problem I don’t quite understand - is it absolutely necessary for a guy to realize that other men could win you over before they do/that other men are attracted to you
    ?

    If you’re on a date with a guy, most guys won’t hit on you so there is no chance to give them this social proof firsthand.

    The other way, I think is to tell a guy you’re dating about your adventures in a way that make them assume other men could be there. Ex. “Yeah bob I just came back from a wine tasting event with a friend”

    Can men be attracted without this sort of tactic or do they absolutely need to know other men are around and they need to step their game up?

    If so what is the best way to give social proof that other men desire you (in a way that he is aware of this fact and is not coming off in a negative way)?
    Read your post a few times.. In this day and age I feel that it's only the males in the upper echelons of society who are the ones that are concerned with competing males because at that level the pickings are slim in terms of finding a woman who fits the right age bracket, has the education, family pedigree, beauty and natural charm (think Diana, Princess of Wales).

    That said, average males don't really worry about the competition because the selection of average women is about equal or even in abundance depending on where you live.

    Lastly out of respect and being polite a couple should recieve privacy from single males who are in close proximity but it doesn't always work that way in black and latino communities. In black and latino communities if a man is on a date with a beautiful woman if the guy doesn't look like he's capable of defending himself or the girl absolutely single guys will try and hit on your woman right next to you while you're out on a date. It's really uncalled for and a lot of fights and shootings happen just because of this.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    If someone is dating you, he knows if you are attractive.

    The question is: Are you attractive enough he will put up with your playing games?

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyguy09 View Post
    Read your post a few times.. In this day and age I feel that it's only the males in the upper echelons of society who are the ones that are concerned with competing males because at that level the pickings are slim in terms of finding a woman who fits the right age bracket, has the education, family pedigree, beauty and natural charm (think Diana, Princess of Wales).

    That said, average males don't really worry about the competition because the selection of average women is about equal or even in abundance depending on where you live.

    Lastly out of respect and being polite a couple should recieve privacy from single males who are in close proximity but it doesn't always work that way in black and latino communities. In black and latino communities if a man is on a date with a beautiful woman if the guy doesn't look like he's capable of defending himself or the girl absolutely single guys will try and hit on your woman right next to you while you're out on a date. It's really uncalled for and a lot of fights and shootings happen just because of this.
    Now that you mention it there was this one guy that I liked (he did like me more) and on at least two or three occasions another guy came around and started talking to me while I was with him.

    I could tell he was feeling some type of way. And I kinda wanted him to idk do something but I guess he didn’t want to come off as jealous type since we weren’t in a relationship

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    If someone is dating you, he knows if you are attractive.

    The question is: Are you attractive enough he will put up with your playing games?
    Also i think dating is just a big game in general.

    Im not trying to play games but at the same time I’m not trying to be used for whatever men like to use women for.

    I want my dating partner to have a win-win mentality where we both winning from this.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 12-06-2019 at 01:40 PM.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    It’s been awhile since I dated. As I recall, when I did, it wasn’t simply because I wanted sex; it was more just to get to know someone. If sex maybe happened right away, cool. I’m sort of selfish; if I thought the person was dating around (and why wouldn't they), I’d give it a date or few, but I’d move on if the person couldn’t focus on me or I focus on them. I didn’t want to try to be the highest bidder. There were other possibilities. Compete? I guess sort of. Like I said before, it's always about winning and if you can't win, try to have fun.

    Everybody deserves some harmless enjoyment in life.



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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Interesting viewpoint Mr Duckie

    So it sounds like (especially in the dating app era) that it’s pretty much expected - in the beginning of dating - that the other person might be dating other people.

    And so there is a slight (perhaps subconscious) element of “competition” per say in wanting to agree at some point in near future to just focus on each other (thus dropping their other dating partners)?

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Yeah, I expected that if I thought somebody was interesting, funny, attractive, etc., and wanted to spend more time with them, probably somebody else did too... and yeah some element of competition... some men/people need and live to compete, win, and then move on to win again. I was often really good with having a lot of fun.

    Some do, some don't.

    Everybody deserves some harmless enjoyment in life.



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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    A guy knows you are hot and does not need other men turning their heads towards you to confirm what is obvious.

    That said, a guy can take you for granted, and may need to be reminded that being with you is a privilege, not an entitlement.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    This sounds childish to me. If you are dating a guy who needs to be "reminded" that you're worth his effort, then he may not be worth your effort and it may be time for you to move on. IME there is little long term benefit to playing games like this, just a lot of short term drama.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    It does sound childish and like a lot of wasted energy

    However human nature (to an extent) does like things that are scarce, exclusive, and coveted by others. No?
    Women (and men) want what others want....especially as it relates to initial attraction


    I remember some male dating coach said to flat out lie to women if they ask questions like “when was your last girlfriend” and you never had a gf, or string of flings, etc.

    But yeah too much manufactured scenarios/lying is treading into manipulation territory and not healthy foundation for long term relationship. Even if the competition is real and not manufactured/implied, maybe it’s something that’s more common in the dating area befor both parties agree to cut ties with other and be exclusive.

    Would you be attracted to a woman no other men desired?

    I think jack might be referring to long term relationships where men slack off thinking they’ve already got the woman and doesn’t have to work to keep her

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    This sounds childish to me. If you are dating a guy who needs to be "reminded" that you're worth his effort, then he may not be worth your effort and it may be time for you to move on. IME there is little long term benefit to playing games like this, just a lot of short term drama.
    Pretty much agree

    I’ve mentally checked out already and don’t initiate contact anymore. I had planned on telling him the truth next time he called but if he never calls then he effectively has ghosted himself and made my job easier.

    And unfortunately you have to “play games” *a little* or mfs will be taking advantage of you. Maybe after relationship n marriage people don’t play games (as much) cause they respect one another more than casual dating partners.

    So the “game” I’m playing is deadlines (cause I refuse to waste my prime years or any time for that matter) and the walk away
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 12-18-2019 at 01:54 PM.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Pretty much agree

    And unfortunately you have to “play games” *a little* or mfs will be taking advantage of you.
    I disagree. The moment a guy tries to take advantage is the moment you should be reaching for the eject button. I don't care if you label him "casual dating partner" or whatever. If you have to resort to playing games, then you've already devalued yourself.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    eh! As far as devaluing myself, I don't concur with that because while I can't control how others perceive me I can control my actions which are that engage in win-win situations and I only stay in connections where the guy is high quality and he perceives me as how I view myself...high quality

    Maybe you have a different definition of 'games' than I do. I don't do manipulation or situations where someone is losing while the other is winning. But I do think Life is a game, Dating is a game, and you playing to win (but you also want your partner to be on same page/win with you)

    With dating - most people have a strategy going in (sex, marriage, fwb, etc), they leverage the numbers, and they play the field so to speak


    Besides the topic was moreso 'how do men handle competition in dating' ....So Perhaps competition IS a game?


    The reality is that high quality people will have a higher probability that multiple people will be trying to date them at once/coming out of long-term relationships where exes will still be around, thus the concept of competition in dating. When you date someone it is usually assumed that they are dating other people, until both parties establish exclusivity. Thats really what I was wondering, like do men value the woman if he doesn't not see her as desirable by other men. HE beat out other men, claiming her as exclusive to him. Like if he doesn't know or believe that other men desire her, that other women want to be like her then will he find her less attractive?


    I think the *degree* to which people compete is the differentiating factor here. Some people will flat out lie, cheat, and manipulate to get what they want with no regard to the consequences (feelings being hurt, hearts being broken, families being torn apart, etc)

    But overall you do have a point that if either of the parties feels manipulated or taken advantage of then it is time to walk away
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 12-18-2019 at 09:02 PM.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by MrDuckie View Post
    It’s been awhile since I dated. As I recall, when I did, it wasn’t simply because I wanted sex; it was more just to get to know someone. If sex maybe happened right away, cool. I’m sort of selfish; if I thought the person was dating around (and why wouldn't they), I’d give it a date or few, but I’d move on if the person couldn’t focus on me or I focus on them. I didn’t want to try to be the highest bidder. There were other possibilities. Compete? I guess sort of. Like I said before, it's always about winning and if you can't win, try to have fun.


    You're not selfish. We think similar in that we respect ourselves and don't want our time and $$ wasted.


    True altruistic love to me ceases to exist after the high school years. Sometimes while driving when a high school happens to let out I will sometimes see a young couple embracing in a way that is so real and so innocent and I sometimes say myself " I hope you two enjoy yourselves because eventually that will come to an end".

    As an adult male dating is really a unregulated market where you're auditioning for a slot in a womans life that is largely based on what she feels she can get from you more than anything else generally speaking.
    Last edited by Luckyguy09; 12-18-2019 at 09:56 PM.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyguy09 View Post
    You're not selfish. We think similar in that we respect ourselves and don't want our time and $$ wasted.


    True altruistic love to me ceases to exist after the high school years. Sometimes while driving when a high school happens to let out I will sometimes see a young couple embracing in a way that is so real and so innocent and I sometimes say myself " I hope you two enjoy yourselves because eventually that will come to an end".

    As an adult male dating is really a unregulated market where you're auditioning for a slot in a womans life that is largely based on what she feels she can get from you more than anything else generally speaking.
    The same could be said about men. 99% of the time they are looking to see how fast they can sleep with the woman without having to emotionally invest nor pay for more than x number of dates. Male dating coaches are now teaching men to sleep with women in 2 dates/2 weeks or less.

    Dating is definitely unregulated as you say

    More and more people are “benching”, “ghosting” and all other sorts of things because they don’t care as much about people they’ve only known a few weeks

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Found this video about showing guys you have options so they treat you better


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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Also male dating coaches are teaching men that women are more attracted when they have other options

    So I wonder is this the same in reverse? Like are men more attracted when women have other options

    https://youtu.be/wZm3Jj6RMFY

    https://youtu.be/7SRt2qEkU7Y

    I think Mr. Duckie had an interesting point though that initially knowing a person has options is part of the dating game but when two people like/want to commit to each other they cut off their options and also having too many options can come across as if the person is not ready for long term relationship

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    eh! As far as devaluing myself, I don't concur with that because while I can't control how others perceive me I can control my actions which are that engage in win-win situations and I only stay in connections where the guy is high quality and he perceives me as how I view myself...high quality
    IMHO if you need to remind a guy why he should desire you, by making it known that others are pursuing you or by some other means, then you have already devalued yourself. First by letting him make you feel like that and, second, for continuing to work for the affection of someone who isn't on the same page.

    Besides, his view of you as "high quality" should be directly related to how he views you as a person, not how many people he thinks are pursuing you. Also, if he is the type to "take advantage" (as you previously alluded to), then HE is the one who is low quality as that trait will re-emerge in the future once he has you locked down.

    Seriously Miss, are you trolling? Who thinks like this besides some fringe dating coaches and PUA types? When I was dating attractive women, I wasn't remotely confused that others wanted them too, including the now Mrs. Dugan. IME and IMHO lasting relationships are formed through emotional connections and shared goals, not paint by numbers strategies and artifice.

    Frankly I already feel silly even having this discussion, so I'm going to make this my last post and wish you all the best with this interesting strategy.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    It’s not really a discussion when you fail to listen and resort to your typical argumentative conversation styles.

    I asked the valid question about competition in dating and you’ve chosen to not only reply but to “feel silly” and put your own weird spin on this conversation so perhaps you’re trolling idk?

    Anyhow thanks for your perspective - I’ll take the point of lasting relationship and emotional connections, the bit about walking away, and being on the same page. The rest you can keep as it does not apply.

    Also I post this a month ago ...

    Anyways, thanks to everyone for their perspective!!! Some great info here
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 12-19-2019 at 12:17 PM.

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    I am in support of some 'games', but, you have to know at what point you go to far and they back fire on you. Creating jealousy and insecurity (when other people show interest in you) in an existing relationship is very tricky. In the right dosage, it can be a very powerful motivator for your SO to appreciate you more and work a little harder, but, a tiny miscalculation on the dosage amount will cause a lot of pain and your relationship will blow up to smithereens.

    What some people call 'games' others call basic 'psychology 101' or basic 'sales techniques'. I've dated women way out of my league because I had to make up for my looks (I'm a short guy) with my brains and my 'sales techniques'. I did not follow any PUA guidebook, but, I later came across some PUA material that was similar to my own techniques, except that I was never trying to be a PUA and my purposes were always benevolent.

    We live at a time when (1) people are very lazy when it comes to relationships, (2) people have short attention spans, and (3) everything (and everyone) is disposable. There is nothing wrong with putting some effort into keeping things interesting with a little tension, drama and challenge.

    Those that condemn 'games' might just be too lazy to put the effort into it.

    All you have to do is watch a good 'chick-flick' to understand that a good romance must have tension, drama and some challenges. There must be tests along the way, with some risks, but also big rewards. The killer of romances is not the games, but , it is the losing of interest, and not caring anymore. The worst thing is ennui, not 'games'.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
    - Oscar Wilde

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    Default Re: Men’s need to compete?

    ^I totally agree.

    I think intentionally making a guy (especially one you like) insecure or jealous is not a good idea at all.

    Very good points indeed jack

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