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Thread: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

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    Default Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I have posted some info about this person . I lived with him in Dec. 80% of the time.

    I thought M regretted being difficult 10 or so ago. He seemed really great when we runited and I saw him a few days ago.

    I thought some time off might help us see some things.
    I ended up staying up there 3 nights instead of 2 like I planned.
    He was amazing day 1 . We say we miss each other / have amazing sex ect.
    It was just a great great day ( he was so sweet and complimentary ).
    We had a good time day 2 ( Sat. ) too .

    I skipped this family dinner because he was able to spare some time on Sunday ( his less busy day ) and we went to dinner ( way later than what I prefer but oh well ) . We have this amazing experience at one of the best restaurants in town from about 8 - 10:30 p.m. I'd say. Best meal I've had in like 6-7 months. He was a little difficult with the waiter but overall we are having a great time.
    He is drinking heavily and I'm sipping beer slow due to drinking the night before.

    I figured we would just pass out but he is wanting to fool around with NO fore play ( not something he normally does ). I am not digging the vibe and ask for more kissing and touching. Then ...... it turns into a disaster. I am not really sure if sexual rejection of any sort is a trigger or if he is weird with control. The mood turned. I didn't want to have sex after his rambling about " not being sure he likes me " and other insults.
    He is going on and on about condoms and how he hates them . He won't get tested though ( mine are done ).

    I get out this morning ( we slept in different areas of the house ).
    This time I did call the cops ( just for protection / walk out in case ) .
    I tell him emotional abuse is NOT ok but I was really focused on just getting out safely.
    Even packing up my car in his garage he is like " do you want to have sex ? " and I said " No because you abused me last night ".

    Why would someone enjoy such a special outing and then be "off"?
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 11:31 AM.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I let some red flags slide ( with hope that it was " stress " of pushing his new business into earning territory ). I made excuses for him.

    * controlling time ( I was concerned about this in Dec. but made excuses )
    * tries to manipulate situations so I am the defensive ( apologizing for making too much mess in his house or not helping him enough with projects )
    * Sexual coercion meaning that I do feel " obligated " to have sex . This element has been a really tricky one for me since I am high libido and didn't get enough sex for years. I finally found what I was looking with him which made it hard to recognize. Instead of having this be a fun element he has made comments ( yesterday ) saying that getting him off is " my job " and I failed. He is pushing for no condom sex but will not get std testing.
    * Witholding emotional intimacy . Very little cuddling / non sexual touch.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 11:32 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    There are approximately 150,000,000 dicks in the US; some must be attached to someone who will treat you well.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Thank You. Yes, exactly.
    Plus I have the ability and flexibility to dick hunt internationally as well.
    Gotta keep the sense of humor.

    He really wanted to make a "show" about punishing me for asking for more touch before sex. I could have been ready for sex in 3-4 minutes ( I was overly full from dinner / beer but I could have been ready ). Instead we spent an hour arguing , then sleeping in other rooms , and he had to create an elaborate show of " kicking me out " by setting all my stuff by the door in the morning.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 11:25 AM.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I just have to remind myself that the " perks " are not worth it. Yes he has a gorgeous home and is financially generous with outings but if I am " paying " for it by being abused it's a bad deal. I can't " repackage" it to make it look normal when it is a BAD deal.

    I am glad he didn't target my looks honestly as weird as that sounds.
    He did target my love for sex though describing sex with me as " just ok " and other insulting statements.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-13-2020 at 04:47 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    The beginning of abuse weirdness can be hard to see . Why would someone enjoy such a special outing and then be "off"?
    Maybe it was the alcohol.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    One small observation, the old standard, if he is a dick to the waiter, then he is a dick.
    Where Am I? The Beach

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Yeah, but even with the booze I'm not sure it's ok to say to someone " I'm not sure if I like you " or " I don't really like you that much " or whatever it was. Or to have fun for three hours out on the town and then come back and report that " well it seems like we don't really enjoy spending time together ".


    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    Maybe it was the alcohol.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-13-2020 at 08:13 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    It's not okay. Just saying, that's maybe why he acted like that, but it doesn't make what he did okay.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ I pointed it out asking " is this because we drank tonight ? ".
    I feel so confident it's abuse v.s. just eccentricity . He is determined to always having me in an " apologizing " position even on a special date night out.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-22-2020 at 12:59 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    He wasn't *that* bad but doing his high maintenence spiel :
    being 40 min. late to our reservation because he wanted to stop for a drink first on the way
    talking over the waiter who was trying to explain the food
    playing his own music via pandora ( we had a private little booth with curtain ) because " the music is awful and the person should be fired who played it "

    I am not really sure why he was determined to get SO drunk anyway. We had that initial drink on the way as I'm starving and miserable and then he got 4 LARGE beers ( those big 24 oz sharing bottles ). He had 80% of those shared beers.

    At the time when buzzed it did seem like a really fun evening ( and he played 80s music one of my known faves ) .

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    One small observation, the old standard, if he is a dick to the waiter, then he is a dick.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-26-2020 at 01:36 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I don't think I'm exaggerating the abuse element. I am pretty confident it is real. You add booze to him and it compounds by 80% for sure.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 11:18 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Well I suppose you already know my perspective

    You’re finally seeing his real self.

    And why would a guy act well on first couple of date then acts like a douche? Cause that’s as long as he can put on the charade enough to reel you back in till his real self pops in.

    You said it yourself, he doesn’t like sexual “rejection” AND he is a control freak. So because he perceived you as rejecting him, he had to “punish” you by rejecting you.

    Also he did not want to have “intimate” romantic type sex cause that’s his personality flaw so to speak. Men like that see sex as a means to an end and/or a way to control (ex orgasm denial, refusing to have sex with you as punishment to spite you, etc).

    They don’t view sex like normal people.

    And have even an immature view of sexual health - magical thinking about pregnancy/std transmission (I can have sex raw and that will never happen to me), refuse to use condoms (oh if anything happens I’ll just go get pills and it will go away, oh herpes is so common it’s not a big deal), refuse to get tested etc. This is really how some people like this

    That one guy I dated - we went on a date and it was going well till he was triggered by the fact that some alleged Walmart employees were sitting at our hibachi table and it went downhill from there with him insulting people and acting racist. I was so turned off by his behavior that when we got back to his place he tried to initiate sex and I was not in the mood. He of course acted like an irate entitled man child. It’s like in guys like this kind women are objects for their sexual desire and should be available to them 24/7

    But yes you’re seeing the red flags and that is telling you THIS is who he really is.

    He did enough to get you back then went right back to being his douchey self whenever he got triggered by some random event

    Oh and I believe he made a show of kicking you out to not only punish you for having standards when it comes to intimacy but also for “leaving” him. He was sort of training you to do exactly his way/expect less during sex and to stay and endure that sort of treatment. Aka have you walking on eggshells to avoid getting on his bad side.

    Anyhow I can delete this if the tone is too blunt.

    I do want to mention it’s a good thing you recognize this unhealthy pattern of his behavior and leaving sooner with your self esteem intact rather than sticking around tolerating/justifying his actions. you seem like a great lady and I’m sure you’ll attract someone who is a better match for you. Someone who also respects your boundaries (time, sex, etc) and won’t play manipulative mind games
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 01-14-2020 at 06:25 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by Bahuba View Post
    One small observation, the old standard, if he is a dick to the waiter, then he is a dick.
    True.

    People who constantly talk over others ..... just shows they have no respect, not trying to listen, a control tactic, and training that person that what they have to say just isn’t important

    but i bet money if someone interrupts this guy he’d lose his mind

    Also somos people will be rude to others (ex service people, hired help, poor people) but it’s only a matter of time before they turn that anger/negative behavior on the people close to them.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Yeah, you've known something was off with him for awhile. His immature rages that you write about elsewhere have been red flags for awhile. Last night, it seems like you finally hit an incident so large that you're seeing that you can't turn a blind eye to it anymore. Maybe it was the alcohol, but that alcohol gave you a gift of seeing what he really thinks. My last breakup ended like that. My now-ex got shit-faced and was so damn mean and verbally abusive to me, also spitting in my face. When I told him I couldn't forget and look past it anymore, he tried to argue that it was "just the alcohol," but the truth was that he would say or behave in "lesser" ways when he was sober, but the gist was still there. It just took alcohol to remove the filter entirely so I could see just how ugly his thoughts really were about me. But they didn't come out of nowhere just because alcohol "made" him.

    This guy sounds like an extremely immature, narcissistic, control freak. The kind that won't change at all. He'll maybe hope to lure you back in in a couple of weeks by being charming again, but it probably won't come with any sort of reflection or honest conversation about his bad behavior - he'll just hope that you'll "forget" about it over time and draw your own conclusions from his charms that "he's changed." The fact that he was still bugging you for sex as you were leaving is just mind-bogglingly self-centered. You were right to leave the first time. No one can say you didn't give him another honest try. But you can't fix toxic.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    He appears to be an alcoholic. He will not change until he wants to change. Run away.


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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I think you guys are pretty spot on here.

    He had most likely planned this all along ( reeled me back in for a couple nice days ) and then felt that a nice peaceful atmosphere was only acceptable for 48 hours. I think you are right Miss P. Since he had been texting frequently for 8-9 days and I ignored most of it ( including the requests to just come over for sex ) he only stepped it up enough to " reel " me offering a nice date / apology .

    Where I thought the time off gave real perspective and showed we had something special it probably just aggravated him and he was planning something like this.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 02:09 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Cant you block his calls and texts?

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    She's probably better off not blocking them, so if he sends anything threatening, she'll know and will be able to report it to law enforcement.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yes, that's what I'm doing. I'm building a file in case I need a restraining order ( doubtful since I'm hard to track and find ) ..... but just in case.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning




    Last edited by slowpoke; 01-14-2020 at 03:28 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    She's probably better off not blocking them, so if he sends anything threatening, she'll know and will be able to report it to law enforcement.
    Just my guess (and i could be wrong) but unless he’s really dumb the average abuser is not going to leave text evidence but most like will be verbally abusive in person one on one. Cause the average person isn’t recording one in one conversations so there will never be any proof of verbal abuse.

    Im also guessing it’s more likely he will use text/calls as a way to pry his way back in through a bunch of sweet nothings & meaningless promises all meant to cause her to second guess her decision making & make her think she was overreacting

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Slow Poke, that's a good reminder. I grew up shooting and have let my permit to carry lapse but it's time for a renewal for sure.

    Yes. ^ He is awful person to person for sure. He seems smart enough to not leave much evidence via text. From what I've read, this is somewhat standard to the personality type .

    I am thinking of stopping into the local police station to have a chat and hear suggestions . I also want to reinforce to the local police that he is someone to keep on eye on. It's a small town and they were there for a vendor from the house 10 days ago and there for me yesterday so I think they are seeing he is good to keep an eye on.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-14-2020 at 06:21 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Just my guess (and i could be wrong) but unless heís really dumb the average abuser is not going to leave text evidence but most like will be verbally abusive in person one on one. Cause the average person isnít recording one in one conversations so there will never be any proof of verbal abuse.
    I was thinking that he might send something inappropriate when he's intoxicated.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Thanks for sharing. It reminds me why I have to be vigilant about keeping toxic men out of my life and maintain no contact with them. I’m Sorry this is happening to you. We all want human connection and love-it’s a normal part of being human.

    Trust your feelings and perceptions Carmen. You know what best for you.
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