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Thread: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

  1. #26
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    I was thinking that he might send something inappropriate when he's intoxicated.
    Good point

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Just my guess (and i could be wrong) but unless heís really dumb the average abuser is not going to leave text evidence but most like will be verbally abusive in person one on one. Cause the average person isnít recording one in one conversations so there will never be any proof of verbal abuse.
    Also, if you're being harassed in person, one thing you can do is record what is happening with your phone. Gretchen Carlson did this when she was at Fox News and their CEO, Roger Ailes, was sexually harassing her. Ailes ended up getting fired, and Carlson was paid $20 million as part of the settlement.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    Also, if you're being harassed in person, one thing you can do is record what is happening with your phone. Gretchen Carlson did this when she was at Fox News and their CEO, Roger Ailes, was sexually harassing her. Ailes ended up getting fired, and Carlson was paid $20 million as part of the settlement.
    It’s always good to document abuse-especially at work.
    Last edited by Ifyouseekamy; 01-15-2020 at 03:30 AM.
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I definitely have thought about using the phone record feature but feel if I were caught it is a risk for violence.

    I've got to stay strong here. No contact from him yesterday ( day after I was " kicked out " ) but of course,
    I see a text this morning . He wants to know if the assistant I hired for him today is still coming. They are not ( I don't want my name associated with his at all ). He will figure that out when no one shows up to help I guess since it's not my problem. I would be SO embarrassed if I brought someone over to work from my network and he verbally harassed them.

    I pretty much have zero interest in him .

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^^ Good. I'm glad you didn't respond. That's how it always starts - "innocuous" texts about "practical" matters that make you feel like you're being rude if you don't respond with information, but it's the first step to luring you back into talking to them. My ex pulled that tactic a lot.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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  11. #31
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^acting like nothing happened, like “business as usual” thinking you forgot about messed up stuff they did two days ago.

    Most likely, no (or fake) apologies

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I definitely have thought about using the phone record feature but feel if I were caught it is a risk for violence.

    I've got to stay strong here. No contact from him yesterday ( day after I was " kicked out " ) but of course,
    I see a text this morning . He wants to know if the assistant I hired for him today is still coming. They are not ( I don't want my name associated with his at all ). He will figure that out when no one shows up to help I guess since it's not my problem. I would be SO embarrassed if I brought someone over to work from my network and he verbally harassed them.

    I pretty much have zero interest in him .
    So he had you work for him for free? And still expects you to continue working?

    Someone who drinks that much before & during dinner is a major red flag. Which will not get better in the future. And even if he were to seek help for alcoholism, he shouldn't be in a relationship during the first year of recovery.

    A nice dinner out is nothing, it really isn't a special date if he has to get drunk. The not wanting to wear a condom is often times a sneaky way for abusers to get their victim pregnant. Where the violence gets worst, if not deadly.

    He is not a happy well adjusted person despite his big fancy house. His wanting you to be apart of his business is not endearing but you are just free labor. In which he will never give you a financial stake or shares in his biz for the time & work you put in. He is using you on several levels.

    At this point you need to ask yourself what is more important.. your happiness or his?
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Just to be clear here, I didn't do much work for free for him ( knew the risks ) .
    I did give him some time ( I'd say 10 hours or so a week ) during Dec. 10-30 when my day job was slow in Dec.
    Mostly he used some people on my contact list ( which I regret though I haven't *heard* yet of anyone having issues ). This saved him time tracking workers down / screening himself.

    I never gave so many hours that it caused any issues. The first day it did was Dec. 31 when I warned him that it was back to business as usual 9a.m. - 6 p.m. roughly M - F working on MY job. That first crazy fight was on Dec. 31 when he suggested I stop what I was doing at 4 p.m. ! I put my foot down and said I wasn't stopping work until 6 p.m.!
    I stopped speaking to him for a week ( should have stuck to that ).

    THIS kind of thing ( both impacting your time + trying to impact money ) is standard of the abuser profile from what I've been reading.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 02-06-2020 at 11:28 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Sam 38G : Yes, it doesn't matter that it was one of the " best " restaurants in town . He was high maintenece during the meal and horrendous after so I have to go back anyway to truly enjoy it. We also used my industry discount ( $50 off ) and I don't think we would have gone without it hahaha. So I guess he figured wasting $60 or so on beer was a good move when he was excited to get a dinner deal there ?

    It's definitely one of those " boundary " things. I prefer one real drink / one fake when out due to being a light weight and fitness goals ( metabolism ). He orders drinks for me fast and I waste half of them. There are many days he doesn't drink at all ... but .... seems there is a problem of some sort here.

    I am sticking with the silence plan. If he has a hard time respecting it I'll bring the cops in immediately.

    I'm in a vulnerable position in a way ( as a closeted sex worker ) but decided in advance that if he threatens to out me I'll just let him and my statement will be something like " Yep, like a lot of smart women, I used exotic dance to get extra money in the last DECADE and I don't regret it. The industry was great to me. " That's the only public comment I'll make about it ( if it were to come to that ).

    The other vulnerable point is that my job is 100% commission based. I only meet with larger scale clients / whales to "court " clients. Regular scale clients are done by email and phone. He knows this so as a precaution I'm carefully screening just is case it's him trying to get me to a specific spot / time. Since we have no friends in common that's the only way I can think that he would " think of " to try to get me somewhere.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 02-06-2020 at 11:30 PM.

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  19. #35
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    An alcoholic does not have to drink everyday but it is how they are when they do drink. Drinking and then becomes verbally abusive to others around him is a major warning sign.

    If he was such a baller then he wouldn't need you to do anything for him work wise or your contacts. Now, I'd wonder how much of his success would be from the women he used to be involved with in the past. And what has he done to advance your career? it should be a two way street. And the fact that you have to wonder how he will treat those you put him in contact with is not a good for your career.

    It can be easy to hold onto the moments when things are great, but it never ends well & the bad moments just keep increasing. Best to separate now before your reputation & career are put on the line. While it was just 10 to 12 hours during a slow week, what if he demanded that kind of time during a busy week. He is clearly prioritizing his business where you are not getting paid over your real job. He has zero issues with sacrificing your reputation, income or career for his.

    You have to make yourself top priority, your quality of life, your career whenever you feel weak & want that connection with him. And get out there & date several men. Replace him with someone better immediately.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If he outs you send him that story of the lawyer who outed a school teacher, I think in Oklahoma. And how he lost his ability to practice law & had to pay her out millions of dollars. It is called Doxxing & also a felony now.
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  21. #36
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I am a team player. I had no problem helping ( his AirBnB wasn't getting revenue yet, we met when he was a few weeks away from putting first guests in ) . BUT .... as soon I was becoming uncomfy I spoke up . We all see how that went haha. I am pretty firm with time related boundaries so I think I probably surprised him. I imagine he was more successful pushing other women around.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I look at it like this :

    Lets say you are sitting in a beautiful restaurant or bar. Everything is great. Lighting is perfect. Music and food is perfect. It's beautiful . It's amazing. The only CATCH is that once in a while ..... you need to be prepared for a pile of shit that may fly at you. You don't know when it's coming. You don't know how much is coming.
    Can you really relax now ? Are you really enjoying yourself ? NO !!
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2020 at 01:46 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I look at it like this :

    Lets say you are sitting in a beautiful restaurant or bar. Everything is great. Lighting is perfect. Music and food is perfect. It's beautiful . It's amazing. The only CATCH is that once in a while ..... you need to be prepared for a pile of shit that may fly at you. You don't know when it's coming. You don't know how much is coming.
    Can you really relax now ? Are you really enjoying yourself ? NO !!

    Haha
    Sadly that exactly how they like it. Everyone else on eggshells while they are comfortable as a newborn baby.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yes, luckily he showed me his " full crazy " after just 6 weeks. Minimal time wasted though I wish it hadn't been obviously ! WHO the fuck acts like that that after a meal with one of the best chefs in the city ? ! ? Only a truly crazy person would let that evening decline into a pile of garbage. It's against the secret foodie code and truly shows that he is nuts.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2020 at 01:11 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^exactly how I felt with that dude from 3 summers ago.

    After pulling up to the Japanese restaurant that HE suggested, sitting at the Hibachi table HE chose, everything was going fine till he was the only (insert race here) guy at the table. Then he pretty much turned into a racist/classist demon the rest of the night complaining about how the people at our table looked like the worked at Walmart so how could they afford to eat there unless they were abusing the welfare system.

    And no he wasn’t hahaha joking he was dead ass serious, pissy, ranting

    Instead of enjoying the food, enjoying the company, and being grateful mf acting like entitled jerk

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If he outs you send him that story of the lawyer who outed a school teacher, I think in Oklahoma. And how he lost his ability to practice law & had to pay her out millions of dollars. It is called Doxxing & also a felony now.
    Sam! Miss you. This is interesting.

    Go no contact. That’s all you can do right now and save any evidence. I would explicitly say or text: I do not want to see you or hear from you again. Save the screen shot. Do not respond afterwards because then “you are breaking no contact” and will have a harder time getting a restraining order. Do you have his name and address. I one time filed a restraining order on my neighbor. I was taking out my trash and he said hi, then I said hi back...he turned into stalker. He was knocking on my door and following me to the store. I filed a restraining order-which they always grant a temporary one-he learned real quick not to mess with me. The DV shelter will help you fill out the paperwork. The key phrase: “I fear for my life.” If you set a strong boundary that this is unacceptable they most likely move on to easier victims. Most abusers are looking for easy prey. Once they know the gig is up they move on to the next victim. Narcissist are lazy most of the time.
    Usually cowards even they though they huff and puff like the big bad wolf, they are just like the wizard in the wizard of OZ. Once you pull the curtain it’s all just smoke and mirrors and cowardly little man.

    You can’t let the fear of of him outing keep you from going no contact. I was afraid my ex would do something similar. He was too busy with his new supply to launch a smear campaign.

    It’ll be okay. Just go no contact. You got this!
    Last edited by Ifyouseekamy; 01-16-2020 at 08:35 PM.
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  33. #42
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    ^ Yes, luckily he showed me his " full crazy " after just 6 weeks.... truly shows that he is nuts.
    Oh one more thing

    Good thing to discover that in 6 weeks than to be married, pregnant, etc aka trapped by them n even harder to walk away. Some guys like that are excellent at hiding their true selves until they got their partner “locked in” to the relationship.

    I have a male associate and for some reason he is cool with this dude who is a sociopath (not saying your former partner is that cause I don’t know him like that). Anyhow this guy left his wife on the wedding night to go party by himself as a single man and didn’t even tell her nor his wedding guests where he was going. He keeps mistresses and has sex with other women behind her back. He’s a complete abuser and doesn’t respect women at all. I wonder if she saw the red flags before marrying him but proceeded anyway. Well she’s is pretty much locked in now.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ She can still divorce him. They may have an open arrangement also . But yes ..... it seems weird. On the wedding night ? That's totally nuts.

    Yeah .... I do feel lucky he was so ugly and verbally abusive at 6 weeks as weird as it sounds.

    There was so much missing anyway. I never really got that " cuddle rush " type of bonding from skin to skin contact because that was missing even though I would ask for it . Like you said , he isn't normal so the sex wasn't normal anyway and I don't feel attachment to him. Even if he would have been decent that was still missing ( like I'd spoon him for example but wouldn't get held ). Cuddling was rare and minimal. It was an issue even without the verbal abuse. I admit that I just assumed as he got more comfy with me that he would get more cuddly.

    He was really sweet laying on the compliments and calling me beautiful after we didn't see each other 9 days but I just look at it as playing control games ( which he is ). None of it " counts " to me ....... being awful cancels all the good out.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-17-2020 at 11:37 AM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    He honestly does *most* of the lists if you google " narcissist abuse " .

    Even the third or fourth day I knew him he was giving me reports of his ex wanting to come over and have sex which at the time I thought showed insecurity but was harmless and kind of funny . Who tells their new girlfriend something like that? Lol
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-22-2020 at 01:05 AM.

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  39. #45
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    ^ She can still divorce him. They may have an open arrangement also . But yes ..... it seems weird. On the wedding night ? That's totally nuts.

    Yeah .... I do feel lucky he was so ugly and verbally abusive at 6 weeks as weird as it sounds.

    There was so much missing anyway. I never really got that " cuddle rush " type of bonding from skin to skin contact because that was missing even though I would ask for it . Like you said , he isn't normal so the sex wasn't normal anyway and I don't feel attachment to him. Even if he would have been decent that was still missing ( like I'd spoon him for example but wouldn't get held ). Cuddling was rare and minimal. It was an issue even without the verbal abuse. I admit that I just assumed as he got more comfy with me that he would get more cuddly.

    He was really sweet laying on the compliments and calling me beautiful after we didn't see each other 9 days but I just look at it as playing control games ( which he is ). None of it " counts " to me ....... being awful cancels all the good out.
    She could as far as I know she doesn’t have kids by him

    but I think some women feel like getting marriage minded men is hard to come by so maybe she figures it’s easier to stay n turn a blind eye - idk

    You mention the skin to skin bonding.....narcissistic type men don’t do that. That psycho I dated 3 summers ago did not like cuddling. If they do it’s only fake to get something out of you.

    Even recently I questioned if “that guy” (you know the one I posted about in ladies) was a covert narcissist. He wanted me to hold him - while he faced away and when I tried to lay on his chest he later there for a few min then quickly transition to sex attempt. Maybe coincidence or maybe they just arent wired for things that induce emotional bonding in normal humans because it makes them uncomfortable

    and yes girl - these types of men are EXCELLENT charmers (especially in the beginning of dating/relationship or whenever they need to butter you up to get what they want)
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 01-17-2020 at 12:48 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    He honestly does *most* of the lists if you google " narcissist abuse " .

    Even the third or fourth day I knew him he was giving me reports of his ex wanting to come over and have sex which at the time I thought just showed insecurity but was harmless and kind of funny . That was probably the first hint . Who tells their new girlfriend something like that? Lol
    Did we date the same guy lol?

    He did that to create a sense of jealousy in you and to let you know if you act up she’ll be right there ready to take your spot.

    Whether its true or not it was a total mind game.

    Narcissistic type men will either lead you to believe or actually have a harem of women, exes that they never completely cut out, a plethora of baby moms, mistresses on the side, etc. because they Loathe being alone/not having attention/steady source of supply/etc.

    Another way way to show they have no boundaries regarding relationships and will invite other women in with or without your knowledge/agreement

    he was also testing you to get a rise out of you and see how you’d react to that

    That psycho I dated 3 summers ago was always talking about his “exes”. Finally I said “well you can go be with those people then”

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  42. #47
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yeah, at the time I thought it was so funny. Like ..... he was trying to make me jealous ( for no reason ) but now I see it was the first wierdo clue.

    I do feel angry often lately but I'm working on moving forward.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-17-2020 at 03:55 PM.

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  44. #48
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Yeah better to just focus on doing things that make you happy and the good men that come into your life instead

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Good luck moving forward! You deserve better.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    He's trying to start the abuse cycle again. Offering an outing to a comedy show ( one of my faves ) .
    No thanks. I can get my own tickets loser ( and probably find a better date by the show too ).

    Then of course when I didn't answer within 15 minutes I receive notes about " nevermind because you are selfish lover " .

    Ignore Ignore Ignore.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-19-2020 at 12:26 PM.

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