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Thread: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

  1. #51
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    ^acting like nothing happened, like “business as usual” thinking you forgot about messed up stuff they did two days ago.

    Most likely, no (or fake) apologies
    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    .......Im also guessing it’s more likely he will use text/calls as a way to pry his way back in through a bunch of sweet nothings & meaningless promises all meant to cause her to second guess her decision making & make her think she was overreacting
    Typical!

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  3. #52
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I am really glad I wrote down a detail of the horrifying things he said to me last Sunday .
    That way if I'm tempted at all to see him I can just go back and read !
    " I'm not sure I like you "
    " The sex is just ok "
    ( when I was defending the sex )
    " You are just a hole "
    " Selfish Cunt "

    That's just what i remember without reviewing the notes.
    It really shows how crazy he is. He actually THINKS someone would want to reunite after such a horrifying evening.
    This type of crazy doesn't even seem real sometimes. This the SAME person who during the day was setting up a little kitchen set in his house ( for kids ) just " on hope " that his 3 year old daughter would come to visit. I was so charmed by that moment.

    I hope his ex gets SO much money and ALL the custody !
    Last edited by carmen_b; 02-06-2020 at 11:39 PM.

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  5. #53
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^she gone need reparations dealing with that guy long term.

    That’s probably why their situation unfolded the way it did.

    I had an experience dealing with this guy with a similar personality-basically went on a text tirade insulting me calling me basic and petty and miserable when I wouldn’t do what he wanted. Then a couple years later he’s back to “normal” but I still hadn’t forgotten about his verbal abuse and deranged personality.

    His ass was like “oh I thought we moved past that!”

    That is literally how those jokers think, like they can be complete douche bags and you’ll just simply forget after a certain amount of time/with enough bribery
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 01-19-2020 at 01:08 PM.

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  7. #54
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yes, there is not a " nice date " on the planet that would make me want to risk another verbal assault . They really do think like that though. Either an excuse like "I was mad at the time" or " I was drunk " . With the alcohol a factor I don't know if he even remembered what he said. Abuse is NOT ok. So the factors ( drinking ect. ) don't matter.

    I miss our routine the first few weeks when he was being normal but I know it was fake / a " lure " .
    Last edited by carmen_b; 02-06-2020 at 11:40 PM.

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  9. #55
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I am tempted today to mess with him ( I know he is going to " increase " his offers ).

    I want to just shoot down everything ...... like ..... oh .... I already got tickets to that comic.
    Oh ..... that chef isn't really that great. I ate there last week and it was just ok.
    Oh .... my friend Dan wants to fly me out to Vegas so I am not open this week anyway .

    I am just feeling sassy today BUT sticking to the IGNORE plan. I get thoughts like that and have to re-remind myself that he is crazy ( at least at some level ) .
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-19-2020 at 10:56 PM.

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  11. #56
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Update :
    Doing well ! I feel more relaxed and less on edge ( duh ) !
    Almost two weeks away from him and life has improved !

    I get in thought circles of " if I could just have him minus these horrible behaviors " but ....... they are there.
    They are most likely permanent so walking away is the right thing.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-25-2020 at 06:13 PM.

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  13. #57
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Day 13 ! I'm keeping this going. Staying away.

    He sends a note today :
    " Getting fixed this week ? "
    ( in reference I had an IUD appt and cancelled it a couple weeks ago out of pain fears )

    I of course hate how he phrased it .
    A : There is nothing wrong with me. A CHOICE to not be on the BC pill or get the IUD and use condoms instead can be MY choice of birth control.
    B : Nothing of course about getting his STD testing scheduling . We are only " fixing " me " ( in his mind ). Of course.

    ( barf )

    Obviously I'm sticking to the " usual " . No replying at all.

    I think I am taking myself to a steak and wine dinner tomorrow to celebrate two weeks RID of him.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-27-2020 at 12:18 PM.

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  15. #58
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Day 13 ! I'm keeping this going. Staying away.

    He sends a note today :

    " Getting fixed this week ? "

    ( in reference I had an IUD appt and cancelled it a couple weeks ago out of pain fears )

    I of course hate how he phrased it .
    A : There is nothing wrong with me. A CHOICE to not be on the BC pill or get on IUD and use condoms instead can be MY choice of birth control if I choose it.
    B : Nothing of course about getting his STD testing scheduling . We are only " fixing " me " ( in his mind ). Of course.

    ( barf )

    Obviously I'm sticking to the " usual " . No replying at all.

    I think I am taking myself to a steak and wine dinner tomorrow to celebrate two weeks RID of him.
    Gross!

    He is asking because now he thinks since you can't get pregnant maybe he can get some unprotected sex.

    glad you are ignoring.



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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Ewww - the way he phrased it is like taking your dog to the vet to get "fixed." Like laurie said, he just wants to know cuz now he's thinking he can get unprotected sex now because you're "sterile." Disgusting.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    He's trying to start the abuse cycle again. Offering an outing to a comedy show ( one of my faves ) .
    No thanks. I can get my own tickets loser ( and probably find a better date by the show too ).

    Then of course when I didn't answer within 15 minutes I receive notes about " nevermind because you are selfish lover " .

    Ignore Ignore Ignore.
    Silence is always a great response, then you get to see how they react. How fast they turn evil when the words they first used didn't work. Compliments & words are easy. Men lie to women 80% of the time, so studies say. Actions are better indicators & him getting drunk on a date, telling you about still having sex with an ex are someone who is unstable as a person & thus dangerous.
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  21. #61
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yeah. He knows the phrasing is extremely gross.
    Of course no offer to actually GO to the appt. with me either or get his STD testing done while I am there.

    It's the two week mark just now ! Today is a day to celebrate. I am feeling more free of this stress with each day.
    It was Noon exactly two weeks ago when I left his place ( with no help getting out of a snowy driveway ).

    This experience makes me cringe that things like this are not illegal ( this kind of abuse is hard to prove until physical abuse starts).
    I am start volunteering a domestic violence organization based on this . I feel like women who face this ( especially longer term or the ones who had a " normal " partner for months / years ) can use all the help they can get.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-27-2020 at 01:04 PM.

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  23. #62
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Sam : I don't think he was having sex with that person while we were together ( Dec. 3 - Jan 13 ) but really ...... I would not be surprised at ANYTHING based on what I've seen so far.

    He did say things like he was " heart broken " when she left. This is typical of this personality disorder . They can't stand peace so even though this chick isn't even there .....I hear about her and how wonderful she was. I am not very jealous so I don't think what he was trying to do worked on me in that regard. My attitude is more like " yeah, we are grown people so we have had other lovers ".
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-27-2020 at 12:19 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    I am hard to find ( no fixed living or work location ) so I don't really fear for safety though with his resources he certainly * could * do something as far as finding me . No restraining order yet though that could change if I get any creepy communication.

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  26. #64
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    Gross!

    He is asking because now he thinks since you can't get pregnant maybe he can get some unprotected sex.

    glad you are ignoring.
    Definitely!!! But you do not know who all else or other ex's he still might be having sex with. It is also insulting that he assumes that he can mistreat you & still have you be willing to have sex with him. He also sees you as a hook up & a verbal punching bag.

    His ego is out of control & think that he can charm his way at any time. This type of guy never gets better or less abusive over time, only worse. And why would he want to have sex with you after saying how bad you are at it. What he is really saying is that you should jump through more hoops for his dick & because he is a man.

    And if you were to go out on a date, the entire time with each drink be afraid of him becoming a drunken monster. Which at any time become physically violent. The charming person you imagine that you miss does not exist, he puts on that act because it worked in the past to get laid.

    He will try to push your buttons & is trying everything to pull you back in. Even to argue & fight, so he will feel more in control. Ignoring is best & be aware of your surroundings & being followed at anytime. If he shows up & knocks at your door at anytime, do not open & call the police. Abusive men have trouble letting go & get more violent if they can't get what they want.
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  28. #65
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Sam : I don't think he was having sex with that person while we were together ( Dec. 3 - Jan 13 ) but really ...... I would not be surprised at ANYTHING based on what I've seen so far.

    He did say things like he was " heart broken " when she left ect.

    This is typical of this personality disorder . They can't stand peace so even though this chick isn't even there .....I hear about her and how wonderful she was. I am not very jealous so I don't think what he was trying to do worked on me in that regard. My attitude is more like " yeah, we are grown people so we have had other lovers ".
    Even if you didn't get jealous, it is still wrong. And his intentions were to make you two compete against each other for him. It was a way to tell you that he will never love you & be good enough, so that you would do everything to please him.

    Normal people do not start another relationship until they are over the last. Shows that he is all about his needs & does not have either one of your best interest at heart.

    Good luck at Doc office & he probably would have demanded a blow job for taking you.
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Yes. Exactly. He ended us two weeks ago when he was truly abusive. I even said during the verbal insults " If you don't stop, you are risking ending us ". I don't want to RISK even another minute of my time , RISK physical abuse , and I obviously don't trust him enough for condom free sex.

    I am not really sure what in his mind he is " offering " that is going to make him an good choice . I know he is a terrible choice even with the nice home and nice dates. Being alone on the planet with no penis until the end of my days is a better choice.

    He lied and faked his way though a nice few weeks ( even though there were some signs and " cracks " ).
    It was cracks in the mask I was seeing NOT eccentricity .
    He gave me what I wanted probably ( frequent sex ) because he knew I didn't have that in the fall and was upset with my former partner over that. So who knows if the " I finally found a libido match ! " was even real. He had the information and could have just been faking that too to reel me in.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 02-06-2020 at 11:46 PM.

  31. #67
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^pretty much everything she said.

    The fact this mf had the gall to say “are you getting fixed”.....I would have sent a picture of a lobotomy and asked him that same question

    Dude trying to trick you into giving him attention and pussy he is nowhere near deserving. He doesn’t have the capacity to be the type of man you need/deserve it’s like trying to turn a pigeon into an eagle.

    Abort the mission girl. And go no contact on his ass. Do not waste anymore of your precious valuable time or you’ll be ranting in the “i hate men thread” lol
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 01-27-2020 at 12:40 PM.

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ Hahaha. That is a great response ! I might have to try to find that image online if I want to send it.

    Since he is still contacting ( obviously ) it might be time for a text that states " You mistreated and abused me . I would like no further contact . " I didn't expect him to still be reaching me.

    He doesn't deserve any info such as if I'm seeing someone or where I am ( I'm not even in his area ) so the normal responses to get rid of a guy won't really work.

    I can go to the cops after if it seems like I need to. I am just hoping he goes away. It does make me sick though that someone else is risking getting abused by him but I am not sure I can really do much more than just make sure I'm safe at this point . I can possibly contact Tinder and explain the abuse but he will just get another one / use other platforms.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-27-2020 at 12:58 PM.

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  35. #69
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^went i encountered men who abusive (mentally) then left their weak asses in the dust the first thing i thought was “they are now someone else’s problem”

    It’s sad to have to think that way but unless they go to therapy (which the rarely do) they’ll keep the cycle of abuse going with someone who will tolerate their fuckery. Just gotta hope more ladies wise up and leave people with these personality traits vs get sucked into the fantasy (which is easy to do cause these people are masters at mind games)

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    ^ Hahaha. That is a great response ! I might have to try to find that image online if I want to send it.

    Since he is still contacting ( obviously ) it might be time for a text that states " You mistreated and abused me . I would like no further contact . "
    You are trying to get him to see your humanity & he won't. It is pointless.


    You can have a lawyer send him a cease & desist letter, and all further contact will be seen as harassment.

    He will continue to contact you randomly for several years, waiting for a weak moment. Predators never stop chasing, they see it as a game & at this point you are winning. Which is why they are still dangerous no matter how much time passes.
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  38. #71
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    ^went i encountered men who abusive (mentally) then left their weak asses in the dust the first thing i thought was “they are now someone else’s problem”

    It’s sad to have to think that way but unless they go to therapy (which the rarely do) they’ll keep the cycle of abuse going with someone who will tolerate their fuckery. Just gotta hope more ladies wise up and leave people with these personality traits vs get sucked into the fantasy (which is easy to do cause these people are masters at mind games)
    Sadly, the ones who do go to therapy, do so in order to become better at gas-lighting & manipulation. They do not go to be a better person, that requires empathy for other people. And they love playing the victim against all the so-called horrible women in the world who took advantage of the.
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  40. #72
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    You are trying to get him to see your humanity & he won't. It is pointless.


    You can have a lawyer send him a cease & desist letter, and all further contact will be seen as harassment.

    He will continue to contact you randomly for several years, waiting for a weak moment. Predators never stop chasing, they see it as a game & at this point you are winning. Which is why they are still dangerous no matter how much time passes.
    Exactly what I was Thinking

    He won’t understand your perspective, nor your words (which he will interpret to his benefit), but he will understand your actions when you close the door on him/give him no attention (especially when he acts like a jackass towards you)

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  42. #73
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    Even if you didn't get jealous, it is still wrong. And his intentions were to make you two compete against each other for him. It was a way to tell you that he will never love you & be good enough, so that you would do everything to please him.

    Normal people do not start another relationship until they are over the last. Shows that he is all about his needs & does not have either one of your best interest at heart.

    Good luck at Doc office & he probably would have demanded a blow job for taking you.
    Guess 85% of the male population is abnormal cause a good majority of these dudes out here parading around like they single but trolling for pussy whenever they get mad or “take a break” from their girlfriends n wives

    And the blow job thing.....damn!

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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    Okay, he's not trying to find you as far as you know, so at this point his continued contacts are all through the phone. Why don't you just block his numbers and be done with it? Why are you still engaging him at all? Why keep giving him the chance to get into your head like this?

    I'm sorry that you got caught up with such a high strung, narcissistic a-hole. Guys like that never change, so IMHO you did the right thing in getting out quick.

    On a side note, when you are ready to date again, you might want to consider finding potential partners someplace other than Tinder. Just a thought. IMHO good guys don't look for good girls on a fuck and suck app. I'm not saying anything that happened is your fault - there was no excuse for his behavior. But IMHO you're likely to find a higher population of selfish slimy a-holes on Tinder than in more traditional settings.

    Good luck as you deal with this!

  45. #75
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    Default Re: Leaving Abusive Partner / accountability and planning

    ^ I don't contact him. I just track if he sends anything over ( in case I need a restraining order ). So far it doesn't seem needed.

    He isn't in my head. I know it's a 99.999999% chance that if I " gave him another chance " there would be more abuse.
    I know he is mentally ill ( no one who wasn't would treat women this way ).

    I have taken Tinder down. I honestly thought it had lost the reputation and people used it now for traditional dating ( it seems like some do .... like me ). But just playing the statistics odds there are other ways to meet people when I'm ready ( most likely in person this time ).
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-28-2020 at 11:27 PM.

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