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Thread: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

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    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    What would you do if you had or have a Husband who called you a stupid dumb fuck out of anger?
    This is the second time my Hub has said this to me and though we have great times (high and lows) he has a past of being an asshole.
    Today he was testing his new camera device and I asked if he could not do that, while not in the middle of driving. (Holding up his camera stick in one hand, driving with the other)

    I didn't know he was filming and he got incredibly angry and called me a stupid dumb fuck.
    I threatened to leave him, started becoming upset and he started to apologize, but I hate when I become that way out of anger.
    When I lash out as well and it just makes everything miserable.. He says he won't do it again and will change, but this has happened before.

    We are suppose to be receiving marriage counseling, but we have been having difficulty finding someone reliable, especially with the corona virus spread.
    One the other hand I debate if I might need to arrange a plan to end this marriage and on the other it hurts to that I might have to end it one day.
    Last edited by BambiCutie; 03-21-2020 at 08:35 PM.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Crossfingers Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Hi, there.

    First off, hugs & I am so sorry..

    He was not only very wrong to say that, but to endanger both of your lives while driving, is incredibly fucked up.

    Me personally, I could not take that, &, I'm sorry but even once is one time too many..
    &it sounds like he has a pattern of doing this abuse


    Its your call, I hope you can find a therapist, can you do Skype or something w/one possibility?
    I would also say, whether you both go or not, go yourself as well, or try to find an online session.
    I find onlincounselingcollege. com helpful too

    It's going to take a lot of work to deal w/that.

    In the mean time, I recommend the book, Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro a retired special FBI agent.

    I checked it out of my library, but purchased it.

    Good luck, take care of yourself.
    Life.
    Can't go back & fix what we've done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than our last. \

    You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.



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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    We’re having a pandemic. Honestly all I want is to tell everyone I love them to the moon and back. You are a child of the universe. You are inherently lovable and worthy unfortunately this pandemic is “causing” people to lash out.

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutie View Post
    What would you do if you had or have a Husband who called you a stupid dumb fuck out of anger?
    This is the second time my Hub has said this to me and though we have great times (high and lows) he has a past of being an asshole.
    The second time? It sounds like this is becoming a habit for him.

    Unless he has some sort of brain tumor or something making him lose his mind I'd have a hard time finding any excuse to put up with that kind of behavior, ever. Also since you said he has a history of being an asshole - I would not be surprised if it escalates to more verbal and maybe even physical abuse.

    Even if you do get counseling, still try to make a plan for your future in case you have to leave. The current crisis won't be forever so take the time to plan out what you might do once the crisis abates.



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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Well Iím petty so

    If I were you Iíd just tell him Iím not in the mood for sex next time he tried because I became instantly turned off after he called me stupid.

    Either that or told him to let me out the car (right after he insulted) and tell him ďdonít worry about it honey Iíll just have your dad/my dad/some other male gentleman some pick me upĒ then donít come back home till later that night (wearing freakum dress makeup n perfume) get in bed turn away from him then see paragraph above

    just do virtual counseling. They are licensed and some insurances cover it

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Arrow Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    The second time? It sounds like this is becoming a habit for him.

    Unless he has some sort of brain tumor or something making him lose his mind I'd have a hard time finding any excuse to put up with that kind of behavior, ever. Also since you said he has a history of being an asshole - I would not be surprised if it escalates to more verbal and maybe even physical abuse.

    Even if you do get counseling, still try to make a plan for your future in case you have to leave. The current crisis won't be forever so take the time to plan out what you might do once the crisis abates.
    THIS^! So. much gold in this post!
    Life.
    Can't go back & fix what we've done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than our last. \

    You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.



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    Moderator PhatGirlDynomite!!!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutie View Post
    I didn't know he was filming and he got incredibly angry and called me a stupid dumb fuck.

    I threatened to leave him, started becoming upset and he started to apologize, but I hate when I become that way out of anger.
    When I lash out as well and it just makes everything miserable.
    He says he won't do it again and will change, but this has happened before.
    When you come back to this thread please read this again. He disrespected you while filming it and you're the one making things miserable? That was a justifiable reaction to the situation.

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    I personally can't handle aggressive behavior from men, at all. One of my exes was an emotional trainwreck, and I have PTSD from a violent act he committed. You may see some red flags that look small right now, but can escalate into something worse.

    If you are already thinking about leaving, I suggest you map out a plan of action, let it sit for a while, and think about it. You don't have to rush into anything, and don't make decisions when you feel emotional. But looking at your options, and mapping them out, can give you a sense of perspective and control.

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Please forgive me if I have you confused with someone else. I feel like I remember you being in a very similar situation with a different man some years ago. I feel like you haven't learned the lesson the universe keeps throwing in your face; that you ARE worth more than you've let yourself believe, and that there ARE men who will treat you with respect, affection and love. I know you love him, and you've got this whole future planned, but if he's treating you this way when you're engaged, (a time that is supposed to be romantic, care-free and fun!) how will he treat you when you're married?

    I hope you reconsider this, even if it's difficult. (((BambiCutie)))

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    Crossfingers Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by seashell View Post
    I personally can't handle aggressive behavior from men, at all. One of my exes was an emotional trainwreck, and I have PTSD from a violent act he committed. You may see some red flags that look small right now, but can escalate into something worse.

    If you are already thinking about leaving, I suggest you map out a plan of action, let it sit for a while, and think about it. You don't have to rush into anything, and don't make decisions when you feel emotional. But looking at your options, and mapping them out, can give you a sense of perspective and control.
    I really wanna thank you extra for this post, it made me see I have this too
    Life.
    Can't go back & fix what we've done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than our last. \

    You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.



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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by PhatGirlDynomite!!! View Post
    When you come back to this thread please read this again. He disrespected you while filming it and you're the one making things miserable? That was a justifiable reaction to the situation.
    I noticed that as well.

    I could be wrong but I’m guessing this is a pattern of unhealthy behavior for the OPs husband where he acts like an ass then makes her feel like it’s her fault he reacted that. Or he “pokes the bear” so to speak just to get a reaction out of her.

    I totally agree with seashell, this behavior is likely just a small indicator of other unhealthy patterns of thinking and behavior when it comes to his interpersonal relationships.

    Don’t let anyone chip away at your self esteem/self worth - your husband of all people shouldn’t be doing that.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Google emotional abuse and also see if he has any other patterns there.

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    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by Red Velvette View Post
    I feel like you haven't learned the lesson the universe keeps throwing in your face.
    When I met him, he was not like this at all and we eventually did go on to marry.
    He was everything you would think, sweet, caring, understanding and for that time we were together everything was bliss, he treated me with respect.
    It wasn't till after we were married that things started to change a few days later. It was like a mask was lifted or something, but I do understand where you are coming from.
    I feel it is becoming harder to trust men, even though I do not want that to be the case, but really it is an unfair way to look at things.

    I am going to take everyone's advice on mapping out a plan of action and setting up my escape, if things end up not working out with this therapist.
    Think even if he doesn't want to attend therapy, that I at least should have sessions with someone who can help resolve deep down issues within myself.
    Feel I seriously need to flush my life from negativity and start taking action.

    Also thank you so much for all the advice, I sincerely do appreciate this!

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    ^ When my long term partner starting in with a little of what I considered abuse ( criticism cycles mostly ) I just printed about those " lists of abusive behavior " things you can find online and showed him stuff .

    It can help to have a list of " Ok, here is what we are doing right. Here is what we are doing wrong ".

    I don't know if it helps but it can give you something to go on. I don't consider that partner fully abusive or anything like that. It was just that I could sense we were getting into bad patterns.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Well Iím petty so

    If I were you Iíd just tell him Iím not in the mood for sex next time he tried because I became instantly turned off after he called me stupid.

    Either that or told him to let me out the car (right after he insulted) and tell him ďdonít worry about it honey Iíll just have your dad/my dad/some other male gentleman some pick me upĒ then donít come back home till later that night (wearing freakum dress makeup n perfume) get in bed turn away from him then see paragraph above

    just do virtual counseling. They are licensed and some insurances cover it
    Ms. P. U are WILD!
    Love it
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    Can't go back & fix what we've done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than our last. \

    You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.



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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    I would advise against making a verbally abusive partner jealous or to do anything that can be taken against you in court. You never know what an angry person can become capable of doing. What you want to do is have his verbal abuse documented aka tell a therapist, maybe a doctor about your partner using obscene language directed at you. So that in the future, if (I hope not!) he becomes physically abusive, you already have his verbal abuse documented.

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    I really wanna thank you extra for this post, it made me see I have this too
    I'm sorry to hear that!! But it's good to be aware and know how it affected you. I'm here if you ever want to talk! <3

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    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    I sat outside joining my Husband for breakfast. I ate my cereal and tore off a little bit of his burrito, when he looked up with angry eyes claiming my hand was not clean (I washed my hands prior to coming outside for lunch/breakfast)
    He started scolding me over taking part of his burrito with what he claims (Unclean hands) and in a last minute effort I offered to make him another burrito, swearing that my hands were clean. (I worry about how to stop him from bursting) After we ate and he got up to take the dishes in, I sat outside and reflected on my future wants, of possibly having a Family vs being alone and what I would do as a means of other income. It has been transferring over to my dreams, where last night I dreamed that I was with a therapist saying "I love him so much, but I don't know whether to stay or leave." Waking up to those feelings sucks and for a split 20/30 minutes I am happy, thinking of my future with him, then after this time passes those feelings tank. As stated before, he was an asshole in the past with other things that was questionably, borderline abusive, but the three things he says that makes me feel invalid is "Its in the past, You don't see any of the good things or positives I do" or "You love the word abuse."

    I am searching for a therapist for myself, but my Husband isn't making things easy anymore. He hardly listens to me anymore.. I am conflicted and I told him that I was considering divorce, but am struggling to cope with taking the steps forward to proceed because 1) We still live together and 2) I cannot get him to take anything serious long enough before he starts trying to wiggle his way back into the relationship saying "Okay okay, yeah yeah yeah, I understand, I won't do it again." Then he goes right back to doing the same thing he said he wouldn't do. I am thankful for the advice, I really am, but I feel this is becoming so much harder and my feelings about this marriage are shifting away from saving it. This really is painful, as on one hand I don't want to lose my marriage and still very much love him dearly, but on the other feel the marriage is toxic and not going to work.

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  36. #19
    Moderator PhatGirlDynomite!!!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Bambicutie do you have somewhere you can go for about a week? I'm not recommending this to teach him a lesson. It sounds like you need to get away where you can allow yourself to think and breathe freely. This all sounds pretty bad and I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve someone that's gonna lift you up and bring you peace. In the meantime find a way to do that for yourself and it probably won't happen when you're around him.
    Tomorrow [noun] a magical place where 99% of all human creativity, motivation and goals are achieved.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    ^ That's a great idea. Even to quarantine somewhere else for 3-4 days might give you guys a break.

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  40. #21
    Featured Member BambiCutie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    I can possibly consider going somewhere, taking time apart or sleeping else where for the time. (Issue is with Corona virus its hard) I've considered going different places just to walk around, whether its a mall or something.
    I definitely agree that I need time alone to think and that being around him is not helping in the least. Currently we are staying with my relatives in the time that we are building/buying a home, just for a few months. The only place I can stay would be a hotel at this time, but there are some places I can go in the meantime to get away. (Perhaps a park) but this is better than not having any time alone. Thank you for this advice!

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    I feel for you because I was right where you are around May 2018 - early Aug. 2018. I just couldn't get my partner who I loved to stop " picking " at me and I felt lost and hopeless. Definitely try counseling ASAP . You might even find a life coach type who can teach virtually in the mean time ( I don't think therapists can teach virtually right not unless there are temporary changes made ).

    Good books are the love languages and another called something like " 7 principles are making a marriage work " .

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  44. #23
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Crossfingers Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Good idea^. from PGD.
    I am re-recommending onlinecounselingcollege.com, the book Dangerous Personalities, &, I have a thread in this section, Red Flags in relationships. & other threads too, not just mine.

    It sounds like he's using any excuse to start shit, then backtrack, & say, "Oh you this think everything's abuse" or w/ev he said.

    THAT IN ITSELF IS ABUSIVE.

    Please, take care, best to you
    Life.
    Can't go back & fix what we've done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than our last. \

    You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.



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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    ^ Yes, it sounds like he isn't *terribly* abusive quite yet but he is at that " boundary testing " part where it's so important to nip it in the bud .

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    Default Re: Questionable Behavior From Spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    ^ Yes, it sounds like he isn't *terribly* abusive quite yet but he is at that " boundary testing " part where it's so important to nip it in the bud .
    I agree. It's important to nip his verbal abuse in the bud. If you keep tolerating it, the degree of his abuse will increase.

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