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Thread: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

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    Veteran Member Danni's Avatar
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    Default Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Iíll try and keep this short. Iíve been in a sexual relationship with the same guy on and off (mostly on) for the past 6 years. I think weíve always had some feelings for each other and recently decided to try a real
    relationship/dating. He knows I dance. Knows about my daughters father. Mostly everything. I fee like this is the first relationship Iím going into without holding anything back. Except for one thing. About 4ish years ago before I met my daughters father he got me pregnant. I was absolutely planning on telling him but I miscarried about a week after I found out. Really it was right after I got blood tests. I hadnít told anyone at that point and finally told my best friend but decided not to tell him because why? I didnít feel like there was any point to it.

    now if we are in a relationship is this something I need to disclose? I still feel like there is not much point in telling especially now but I also donít want to feel as though Iím lying about anything. Give me some feedback please.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Quote Originally Posted by Kisa7513 View Post
    You can only make so much selling dances, but when you really get into a guys head and heart, you get into his wallet.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I don't think you need to tell him unless you feel like you want to.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I wouldn’t at least not until the topic of miscarriages/abortions/pregnancies ever came up and only if it’s a trustworthy person to confide in

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    God/dess Blovely's Avatar
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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    The miscarriage didnít happen between the two of you so I donít see how itís any of his business. Just because youíre in a relationship with someone that doesnít mean they need to know or that you have to tell them every little thing. Youíre allowed to keep some things to yourself.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Miscarriage is your personal business. It is a very private topic that no one faults you for wanting to keep quiet, but everyone seems to open up if you tell them. Just my experience in that last sentence. It's your choice. It doesn't affect him either way.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Miscarriage is such a traumatic thing, lots of people don't like to talk about it. If you do decide to tell him now or in the future, you can add that in that you don't like to talk about it with anyone as its a painful subject.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    There is no need to tell him.

    If this is something that is going weigh on YOU and is going to get blurted out at some inopportune time then you may want to consider telling him.

    Not to diminish anything you have gone through, but it is something that your body did that you had no choice about, you have no reason to be guilty and really, to my mind, nothing to talk about

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I wouldn't tell him. It's awful enough going through a miscarriage. I know. I don't think it would help to tell him and possibly feel those sad feelings again, especially if you two were just casually dating off and on when it happened. No offense to any of the blues here, but men don't know what it's like to go through a miscarriage. He wouldn't be able to relate on that level with you and could possibly say something insensitive that makes you feel worse. I know when I had a miscarriage and told my boyfriend at the time, he said something along the lines of,"Well, at least that's one less person in this already overpopulated world". I was devastated enough. Let it be something that you talk about with your female friends or a therapist.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Blovely View Post
    The miscarriage didn’t happen between the two of you so I don’t see how it’s any of his business. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone that doesn’t mean they need to know or that you have to tell them every little thing. You’re allowed to keep some things to yourself.
    But it did between us...it was his and I never told him. I mean it didn’t happen to him it happened to me unless that’s what you meant?

    Either way the responses are helpful. I fee like I have so many traumatic events that I’m a mess as it is. I don’t want to feel guilt about keeping anything but I also agree that everyone is entitled to some “secrets” as long as it’s not hurtful.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Quote Originally Posted by Kisa7513 View Post
    You can only make so much selling dances, but when you really get into a guys head and heart, you get into his wallet.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by Danni View Post
    But it did between us...it was his and I never told him. I mean it didn’t happen to him it happened to me unless that’s what you meant?

    Either way the responses are helpful. I fee like I have so many traumatic events that I’m a mess as it is. I don’t want to feel guilt about keeping anything but I also agree that everyone is entitled to some “secrets” as long as it’s not hurtful.
    On the other hand, if you tell him, you will not only get things off your chest and male sure he doesn't find out much much later and potentially blame you for not telling him sooner, but you may also learn more about who he is by seeing his reaction to what you tell him. It's a difficult decision, though. I completely understand and can't blame you for going either one way or the other. Men are not always as sensitive as we would like them to be.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Ohhhh I was confused - so this dude you’ve been dating now is the one you had the miscarriage with and you never told him.

    Um well that’s tough. If you tell him now he’s going to wonder why you ain’t tell him sooner and then his mind is going to go into left field contemplating like ‘what else is she not telling me?’ ‘What else is she hiding’ ‘why she wait so long to tell me’ etc

    So in this case, I would not even bring it up.....because I think you waited too long and if you tell him now there’s the elements from the paragraph above so how he reacts could be anything from mild to severe/relationship ending because the breakdown of trust/secrecy surrounding a topic both partners should be aware of.

    However you told your best friend and if things ever go south she knows your ‘secret’ and could use it against you by telling him (if she knows you haven’t told him). Although if this happens you could just say she’s lying and discredit her.

    Idk, you’re just going to have to weigh the pros n cons but it sounds like you want to get it off your chest n tell him?
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 03-27-2020 at 07:05 PM.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Ohhhh I was confused - so this dude you’ve been dating now is the one you had the miscarriage with and you never told him.

    Um well that’s tough. If you tell him now he’s going to wonder why you ain’t tell him sooner and then his mind is going to go into left field contemplating like ‘what else is she not telling me?’ ‘What else is she hiding’ ‘why she wait so long to tell me’ etc

    So in this case, I would not even bring it up.....because I think you waited too long and if you tell him now there’s the elements from the paragraph above so how he reacts could be anything from mild to severe/relationship ending because the breakdown of trust/secrecy surrounding a topic both partners should be aware of.

    However you told your best friend and if things ever go south she knows your ‘secret’ and could use it against you by telling him (if she knows you haven’t told him). Although if this happens you could just say she’s lying and discredit her.

    Idk, you’re just going to have to weigh the pros n cons but it sounds like you want to get it off your chest n tell him?

    Yep sorry I guess I wasn’t clear in my op about the situation. The thing is, we were so casual when I got pregnant and miscarried that I believe it was the right decision at the time. I also didn’t know we would end up dating 3 years later. I think it’s probably something I want to share with him because I feel this weird want/need to share things with him that I normally wouldn’t tell a guy I was dating. It’s just a odd situation. I guess if it comes up somehow I could but I’d not, I’ll keep it myself.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Quote Originally Posted by Kisa7513 View Post
    You can only make so much selling dances, but when you really get into a guys head and heart, you get into his wallet.

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I know from experience how traumatic a miscarriage is, so talk it out with a counselor first. Get yourself mentally healthy, then talk it out with him.

    XOXO
    Z

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I totally agree with talking to a counselor about this..not only about whether or not to tell him, but to sort through your own feelings about it. That its still weighing on your mind like this, it sounds like it would be good to work things out about it within yourself before trying to talk to him about it.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Full disclosure in a relationship. To tell or not?

    I think it depends how serious you two get. It seems like a really big thing to keep from a SO you're very serious with and in love with. Plus, if he's a good guy I would think talking to him about it would bring you closer together. He should also understand why you didn't tell him and struggled w/ telling him now.

    I don't think you should wait for the subject to come up though ("oh hey now that we're on the topic..." lol). This seems like something you should bring up yourself if you do decide to tell him.

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