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Thread: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

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    Senior Member Yayayasmine's Avatar
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    Default How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    So I’m in a state 8 hrs away from my family and dealing with this Covid-19 shit hasn’t made it easier. I’ve always struggled to deal with them because on one hand they gave me financial and emotional support, but they still find a way to completely stab me in the back.

    My mom insists that she never did anything wrong and that she doesn’t feel guilty for anything. She’s done a host of other selfish things , like write a suicide letter because she claimed that I was selfish for wanting to go to the college where she wanted me to. It’s frustrating because people see my mom as this woman who has money and is such a loving and caring person but they just don’t know the things that I’ve been through.

    When Trump started making states go on lockdown, she called me and tried to make me feel guilty and called me selfish for not staying with her in my birth state. It made no fucking sense to go home because theres the risk of catching the virus and spreading it to my father with cancer or elderly grandmother or having things stolen out of my apartment while I’m gone for however many months. She thinks I can’t afford to support myself, even though I live in a studio apartment.
    Once she told me this, I finally went off and told her about how selfish she was as a parent and the things that she did to me growing up are why I wouldn’t stay with her or anyone in my birth state. She hung up the phone and called me a couple weeks later and we talked like nothing ever happened. I just let it go but I’m tired of letting things go.

    She goes through these phases where she accuses me of practicing black magic on her or being evil and selfish, and then calls me back like nothings going on and I’m tired of being the bigger person. The whole situation just really frustrates and scares me because we are going to be out of work for however long and now I’m trying to figure out ways to make money because I’m not comfortable with camming yet. I’m at the point where I will Cam and prostitute if I have to in order to make it where I’m at because I never will go back to her house. All of my other family members always take her side and try to guilt trip me into talking to her and not “appreciating everything that she’s done for me”.

    I never ask them for anything because I know I will have to kiss their ass and do whatever they say and if I leave I will be made to feel guilty for doing what I wanna do. I’m even more mad at myself for caring what she and my family thinks about my life and how “selfish” I am. I feel like anytime I make a mistake or do something that makes them mad they find a reason to degrade me and miss treat me and use that as an excuse for doing it. Any advice on how to deal with this?
    Last edited by Yayayasmine; 04-27-2020 at 03:32 PM.

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    Veteran Member Jassi's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    The guilt is your emotion. Healing is a process.
    As an example: I had plastic surgery on my face to remove a non-cancerous cyst.
    The location was tricky, near my lips.
    I had the localized surgery and my aunt picked me up after surgery to make sure I had a ride home.
    A few months after the surgery, the scar began to swell.
    It was my fault, smoking cigarettes throughout the time that I was supposed to not smoke.
    One night I stopped by my aunt's for dinner and she could not believe how bad the scar looked.
    She is nutty about vanity. That is her hangup.
    She literally had me physically cornered and was freaking out about it.
    I have issues with anybody getting aggressive in such a manner.
    I was scared and almost shaking.
    I did not have a reaction about it until the next day.
    My scar not healing correctly triggered my loony aunt. She has had many plastic surgeries and it was swelling.
    I had already returned to the doctor a few times and was trying to schedule more follow ups between me paying for the surgery after my insurance had paid out and more visits did get billed to me.
    The family issues, it can drive you crazy long into adulthood.
    I try to not let the toxic members of my family ruin my day or evening. I've let some go for a bit then when I can handle their BS I make an effort to maintain a relationship.
    Narcissists do not see boundaries. For some reason they cannot understand that they are the problem.
    I have the same issues with some of my family.
    Healing yourself from old toxic patterns and relationships is a good way to adapt to toxic family.
    It does not mean you need to put up with bad behavior or verbal abuse from them or anyone.
    I've shown the boundary line to a few family members, they say they are sorry and get it, then they continue as if they still are not the problem. I just laugh about it now and try to have a sense of humor. It's my daily joke some days.
    I rarely obsess on it as much as I used to.
    I am an adult now. I do the best I can most days. I still make massive mistakes on occasion that I can choose to beat myself up over or try to learn and move on.
    I'm sorry you have some family that are toxic/narcissistic. Every family has some form of dysfunction.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    I'm sorry. I've been doing recovery work for over 10 years and it's so hard! It's not you-it's your programmimg.

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    sent you a PM

    Quote Originally Posted by Yayayasmine View Post
    So Iím in a state 8 hrs away from my family and dealing with this Covid-19 shit hasnít made it easier. Iíve always struggled to deal with them because on one hand they gave me financial and emotional support, but they still find a way to completely stab me in the back.

    For example, when I was 18 years old, I snuck a boyfriend over to my moms house and had sex with him. My mom came home from work early and caught us in degraded me in front of him and told him that Iím a worthless slut and that he shouldnít be with me. She stole $3,000 of my graduation money from a party that I had a week earlier called my grandma and had my grandma take the money. My mom then proceeded to literally tell all of my close family members church friends and everyone who has associated with me about what happened. Literally, my mom, dad, and grandparents all stabbed me in the back and made me feel like trash. She degraded me to everyone that I had a relationship with and it has permanently changed my relationships with them and I can never trust them again because of it . I admit I was wrong and apologized to her and I wouldíve rather her slapped me in the face than to degrade me and embarrassed me to everyone that I knew at the time. Eventually she gave me my money back and had something like this happened now I wouldíve just called the police.

    Iím bringing it up now because my mom insists that she never did anything wrong and that she doesnít feel guilty for anything. Sheís done a host of other selfish things , like write a suicide letter because she claimed that I was selfish for wanting to go to the college where she wanted me to. Itís frustrating because people see my mom as this woman who has money and is such a loving and caring person but they just donít know the things that Iíve been through.

    When Trump started making states go on lockdown, she called me and tried to make me feel guilty and called me selfish for not staying with her in my birth state. It made no fucking sense to go home because theres the risk of catching the virus and spreading it to my father with cancer or elderly grandmother or having things stolen out of my apartment while Iím gone for however many months. She thinks I canít afford to support myself, even though I live in a studio apartment.
    Once she told me this, I finally went off and told her about how selfish she was as a parent and the things that she did to me growing up are why I wouldnít stay with her or anyone in my birth state. She hung up the phone and called me a couple weeks later and we talked like nothing ever happened. I just let it go but Iím tired of letting things go.

    She goes through these phases where she accuses me of practicing black magic on her or being evil and selfish, and then calls me back like nothings going on and Iím tired of being the bigger person. (When I snuck my boyfriend over when I was 18, she read through my diary and seen that I had an interest in witchcraft ,just explaining the black magic part lol) The whole situation just really frustrates and scares me because we are going to be out of work for however long and now Iím trying to figure out ways to make money because Iím not comfortable with camming yet. Iím at the point where I will Cam and prostitute if I have to in order to make it where Iím at because I never will go back to her house. All of my other family members always take her side and try to guilt trip me into talking to her and not ďappreciating everything that sheís done for meĒ.

    I never ask them for anything because I know I will have to kiss their ass and do whatever they say and if I leave I will be made to feel guilty for doing what I wanna do. Iím even more mad at myself for caring what she and my family thinks about my life and how ďselfishĒ I am. I feel like anytime I make a mistake or do something that makes them mad they find a reason to degrade me and miss treat me and use that as an excuse for doing it. Any advice on how to deal with this?




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    Senior Member Yayayasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    Wow, i’m going to check out those resources right now. Thanks for sharing the link!

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yayayasmine View Post
    Wow, i’m going to check out those resources right now. Thanks for sharing the link!
    Regardless if you join or not, good luck on your journey.
    Last edited by moneybags; 04-27-2020 at 08:05 PM.

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    Dealing with problematic family members is a touchy thing. Whatever you decide, listen hard to your feelings for guidance. And it’s okay to either cut them off or at least take breaks from them for your own mental health.
    Last edited by StellaRose; 04-27-2020 at 09:39 PM.

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    She can be extreme and nutty (she's better with age and after the lose of her husband) but Dr. Laura has some good advice.

    Bad Childhood-Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood by Dr. Laura Schesslinger Paperback Ė May 29, 2007


    FIrst you need to decide how much of a relationship you WANT to have. It's okay to talk once a week and visit at Christmas and send birthday cards. You just need to set up boundaries and be a sweet and civil as you can be. If that goes well, you can always increase contact.

    If you really want to try to have a closer relationship, then ask your mom if she would be willing to do family counseling - you can do online. The key is to tell her that you need her help to accomplish some goals you have and because you really want to be more of the daughter she wants. Narcissicists go for that kind of crap. The key is to get her to do it any which way.

    Good luck. I'm lucky, my immediate family is a dream, but my cousin deals with this stuff all the time, but unfortunately her mom lives close by!

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    My humble opinion is it’s better to see a trauma informed therapist to work through everything individually than family therapy. When we focus on healing ourselves we heal our family’s trauma.
    Last edited by moneybags; 05-01-2020 at 01:43 AM.

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    Another suggestion and something I have been doing, is healing from emotional trauma healing meditations videos on youtube.
    https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...ing+meditation

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    I know this is a cold way to put it, but sometimes even blood relatives can be either dead weight or curses.

    Family is who you find to keep in your life on purpose, not always the handful of people you share DNA with.....

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    PLEASE SET BOUNDARY FROM YOUR NARCISSISTIC MOTHER AND FAMILY IMMEDIATELY! You're being too nice and always want to be that good and accepted daughter. However, you will never be in the eyes of a narcissistic mother. They are not capable of genuine love since day one. They will always see their children as the extension of themselves. At the same time, it's all conditional love she will give you. The family members that takes her side are all flying monkeys who are all under her manipulative skills. MY MOTHER is narcissistic. I didn't find that out til years later. She used me up financially to her own personal gains..when all along I loved her and wanted to give her the best since she was a single mother since I was 14. The stories that a narcissist can make up, manipulate, gaslight and more are beyond a typical person's imagination. THEY can turn your life upside down before you even know it. My mother leeched me financially without me knowing, because I felt bad for her. She broke up my ex-relationship. Now that I'm married, she is secretly trying many times to break up my marriage due to a narcissist's trait of constant jealousy, but I know better now and also my husband know as well. THEY will have everyone against you and make you think you're crazy and wrong when you are perfectly normal and right. Took me a decade to find out. Hope you won't have to go through the same route as me. JUST SET BOUNDARIES and limit contact.

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    Default Re: How to deal with guilt from narcissistic family.

    Yaya, when I was young and dealing with similar toxic family dynamics, the best medicine was independence and hard work. It doesn't matter how far you move away if she still has a financial hook in you.

    Also, I'm not sure that camming or prostitution are your only options in making it work, especially since you don't seem comfortable with either. If the club isn't a great option yet, why not pick up a vanilla job? Heck, why not pick up two? You're young and it beats sitting around the apartment stewing in your various issues. I worked two jobs when I was in college and took a full course load on top, supporting myself for the last 3 years of it. You'd be amazed how empowering a little self reliance and self accomplishment can be. You'd also be interacting with others and starting to get a better sense of just who you really are and maybe even who you would like to be.

    But as the ultimate bonus, once you achieve full independence, you can blow anyone off you want. I did it for much of my 20s until they learned to behave better.

    In any event, good luck.

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