Divorce, Acceptance & Hesitation

[BambiCutie]

(Solved)

[Raziel]

Honey, there's nothing i can tell you. I have never been married and i don't know what it's like to be divorced. If you need me to be there for you, i'm here. But you really need to talk to Women and Men who have been married and divorced. I'd IMAGINE it's probably pretty close to the same thing between the sexes.

But, Mademoiselle, i'm here if you need me.

[carmen_b]

I think you mentioned abuse here before.

There is really nothing that can be done except walking away.

I would rustle up any kind of $$$ you can and just get out. Get out first and then worry about the paperwork later.

[rickdugan]

Sadly I have been through a divorce as well as breakups with long time live-in girlfriends. In each instance I was the one who decided that it was over, so sadly I've been in your shoes a few times (not the abuse part, just the miserable existence part).

What carmen said above is spot on. You can't really start the grieving and healing cycle until you get some distance. IMHO you need to scrape together what you can and get out of there. You also need to take with you whatever is most valuable to you because once you are out, you'll have trouble returning to get more stuff until there is a court order regarding the belongings. If you have a joint bank account, grab whatever cash you think is fair from it before you tell him that you're gone.

Now that you have decided that it's over, you need to stop worrying about his feelings and focus on your own. He is going to be devastated. At first he will likely beg you to come back. Once he realizes that you aren't coming back, the begging will eventually turn to anger and resentment. It is extremely rare for a divorce to go amicably. Sometimes the person being left will even try to put on a friendly face in the beginning, but eventually that goes to shit once the reality sinks in, which can take weeks or even months.

From there, work your ass off and get a divorce lawyer pronto. Being the first to file puts you at an advantage in setting the beginning demands. The advice that your lawyer gives you may seem a little sharky, but listen to it because he/she knows that sooner or later your soon-to-be-ex is going to turn on you, even if he is saying all the right things now.

Good luck!

[miss.a.p1600]

If/When you leave - be careful, move in silence, keep track of important document / records, and have some money n some weapons RTG (just in case because you never know....)

*consult with a lawyer if you're able to do so

[laurielegs]

Once you leave, make it final. This person is always going to be abusive. There is no reason to ever communicate with him again.

[jack0177057]

There are two ways to do it: (1) tell him straight up that you want a divorce, or (2) go to marriage therapy and let the therapist be the bad guy that recommends divorce. (If you speak to the therapist beforehand you can explain to him/her that your 99.99% decided on divorce, but, want their opinion and that the idea of divorce would be best coming from the therapist.)

Are you concerned about what he will do if you tell him straight up that you want a divorce?

[BambiCutie]

(Solved)

[laurielegs]

I can also tell how he reels me back in, which I have now called this (False Happy Medicine) where he will offer to buy me something shortly after a discussion regarding our relationship or something he did to upset me. Telling me he will be there for me no matter what, offering to buy me a car (Which I rejected), Acting like nothing happened or play acting cute or funny when tension is still there, coming up to me to hug, swatting my hair, slapping my butt, anything physically light that would turn my attention to him.

Classic abuser behavior. All of this sounds SO familiar.
He is trying to bribe you to stay so he can continue to use you as a mental punching bag.

Anything nice an abuser does for you or buys you is NOT out of kindness but always comes with strings attached, as a way to try to control you.

You are not alone. A lot of us have been through this! I speak from experience - but being alone is wonderful at times, and SO much better than being dragged down by mental abuse. I really believe it's more difficult to leave when there isn't a lot of physical violence because it's not as obvious, but mental abuse is still abuse and horribly damaging.

Be thankful you didn't have children with this abuser. The mental damage would be something that would last throughout their lifetime.

It's not easy to leave because you get used to the cycle, and there will be hard days, but there will also be days when you'll feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off your life (and it will have!!).

(((hugs)))

[rickdugan]

Bambi, if you were a young kid when 9/11 happened then you are still plenty young. Certainly young enough to start over and maybe even have kids if you ever want that. I was 30 when my divorce happened and thank goodness I didn't have children yet either. I have been remarried now for a long time with 3 beautiful kids

IMHO the worst thing you can do is let indecision and fear of being alone stick you in place while your life options slip away, which I sense is what's happening now. You'll look back and regret it for the rest of your life. You're spinning your wheels trying to get him on board with something that he obviously doesn't want. It doesn't matter what others think and you don't owe anyone an explanation. It will be hard at first, but you'll get on your own feet soon enough.

Anyway this is the last I will post in this thread, but I wish you much luck as you work through this.

[Raziel]

Femme honorée, get the fuck out. You can find a better man.

Look, Honey, should you choose to stay, that's on you. But if you DO leave you will NOT be alone. There are Men out there that are made of STEEL. They will support you and love you. All you have to do is look for them. They won't be like this guy.

But its all up to you.

[SnuffleUffleGrass]

Femme honorée, get the fuck out. You can find a better man.

Look, Honey, should you choose to stay, that's on you. But if you DO leave you will NOT be alone. There are Men out there that are made of STEEL. They will support you and love you. All you have to do is look for them. They won't be like this guy.

But its all up to you.

This, and divorce isn't bad. It's declaring a legal end to an...entanglement.

I wish you good luck. You sound like you can survive on your own. Marriage is not for everyone.

[BambiCutie]

(Solved)

[Raziel]

Yeah, you need to get out of that. Doesn't sound healthy. You're stronger than this. Remember that.

[ggminx]

i spent years mulling over divorce before finally pulling the trigger. it was the best decision i ever made and wish it would not have taken me years to do so. i'm happy with all the effort i put in to save the marriage. now i'm happier than ever and thought i would never say this, but about to get married again because the divorce opened up the door to a life of happiness. the devil you know is most certainly not better than the one you don't in this case. i met a new devil and he's the best

[WendiStarr]

As someone who went through a nasty split with an abusive man(because that's exactly what name calling and belittling you is), start planning your escape. Leave him and do not look back. Once you leave him, you will be so much better off mentally. Whenever you start to feel yourself feeling sorry for him or thinking that you might be able to work things out with him, realize that abusive men do not change. If you have to keep replaying in your head all of the negative things that he has ever said and done to you to help you get the strength to get away, do it.

[laurielegs]

He sounds scary. I hope you have a lawyer you are working with to get good legal advice. Maybe don't tell him until you are out the door.

Don't trust him at all. Have everything lined up and try to leave while he is away from the living space. Men like that often become physically violent when a partner tries to leave.

[Raziel]

To anyone OTHER than BambiCutie, read all of these Women's advice. It's good advice. You cannot change an abusive man. I should know, for i am a man (Though not an abusive one). We're tough to change. But no Woman should sit there and get beat on or called names & belittled. NO Woman. She (Meaning the hypothetical "She") needs to go find a guy that won't do that. They are out there. I'm not the only one. For there are many.

Keep in mind, folks, i am pretty playful, so i do call names in play. But never in anger. If i'm mad i just leave. And they're never belittling. It's just stupid shit. Cinderella and stuff like that. Usually when i do it, i get a smile out of the girl.

And that's it's own reward. That bright light that comes from her face. Gets me every time. I love it when a Woman smiles.

[berenika]

You'll accept this.

[MeganLee5]

I went through a divorce. It wasn't easy, but it something that you have to go through without any other options. I’ve got married way too young and I was stupid. My ex-husband was a tyrant. He started abusing me almost straight after the wedding, even when I was pregnant. I didn’t have any friends anymore to whom I could complain and ask for advice. I only found one prayer that helped me to find strength and to take my son and leave that house while my ex was at work. After that, I had no other choice but to divorce him. No way I will ever come back to him.

[Raziel]

I called one Girl Rumpelstiltskin and she laughed and she threw cookie dough at me. It was pretty funny. Great big smile. I loved it.

We made a Cookie out of it and I ate it with a great big smile on my face. It was Chocolate Chip and it was warm and delicious.

[Raziel]

BTW, BambiCutie has to make her own choice. It's HER life. She has to decide. It's not up to us. That's why I'm not specifying her at all. But I gotta say that no Woman or Man should sit there and get belittled.

[whirlerz]

I feel like you might want to, but won't, for reasons mentioned.
How many of these threads have you put out about this?
Hey, you know we all wish you the best!

I just keep thinking tho, don't wait too long, you just don't know when (its a ? of when, not if) he'll snap & really hurt you, or worse . Sooo many cases of women killed or maimed. Don't be another statistic.


These types aren't known for their self-control..like previously mentioned, you're a mental punch bag, what thin line there is to cross to make it physical.

Take care.

[Raziel]

I feel like you might want to, but won't, for reasons mentioned.
How many of these threads have you put out about this?
Hey, you know we all wish you the best!

I just keep thinking tho, don't wait too long, you just don't know when (its a ? of when, not if) he'll snap & really hurt you, or worse . Sooo many cases of women killed or maimed. Don't be another statistic.


These types aren't known for their self-control..like previously mentioned, you're a mental punch bag, what thin line there is to cross to make it physical.

Take care.

Fuck, yeah she's right. This guy could beat the fuck outta you, or even kill you. When you leave, if you leave, make sure he's not home. If I could, If I knew where you were, I'd go stare at him until you were gone. And he wants to beat my ass, good luck buddy.

[RebeccaMiller]

marriage sometimes is such a trash, you need to get out of that....
I was so vulnerable and abused after my last relationship with my abusive ex. He used to call me names, to humiliate me and I remember once he arrived too drunk to even walk properly, I don't know how, however he found required energy to beat me. It was the day I decided to break up and get out of this shit. I discovered some advice on how to get out of abusive relationship. I'm all alone now and I'm so happy that I am capable of getting over and enjoying life after this awful experience.