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Thread: Fav jokes

  1. #1
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    Arrow Fav jokes

    Clean, or not:

    Mine are all dirty..

    So, this guy gets a farm job, his boss tell him, we all work hard here, you get a free bj by that barrel over there, every night but Thursday..

    "Why not Thursday"?

    "That's your turn in the barrel"!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    It feels wrong that I even know this one, let alone laugh about it, but here goes…

    A Catholic priest was taking confession. After a while in the confessional, he realizes, “Oh, wow… I went a little heavy on the sacramental wine, and now I gotta pee really bad”. So he opens the door and looks out to find another priest to fill in for him temporarily while he runs to the bathroom. But he sees no priests… all he sees is a janitor cleaning up some holy water which had spilled. At this point, the priest is desperate, so he calls the janitor over. The janitor says to him, “What can I do for you, Father?”, and the priest tells him, “I really gotta run to the bathroom badly. I need you to fill in for me”. The janitor says, “Whoa! No way am I qualified for that!”. So the priest tells him, “Look, it’s easy. We have a handy spreadsheet right here. You look up their sin in this column and read their penance off from the next column”. So the janitor agrees, and they switch places, and the janitor enters the confessional.

    First guy enters the confessional. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I had sex with a woman I wasn’t married to”. The janitor looks up “premarital sex” and says to him,”When you get home tonight, you need to recite ‘Hail Mary’ 100 times”. The guy doing confession says, “Okay, but that’s not everything. You see, I already am married…”. So the janitor looks up “adultery” on the spreadsheet and tells the guy, “Okay, on top of praying ‘Hail Mary’ 100 times, you need to pray the entire Rosary 20 times over”. The guy doing confession says, “Okay, but there is one more thing. It was anal sex”. So the janitor looks for “anal sex” on the spreadsheet and can’t find it anywhere. So he doesn’t know what to do at this point.

    After a second, he gets desperate and opens the door to see if the priest is coming back. He doesn’t see he priest. He looks for another priest or member of the clergy, but doesn’t see any. All he sees is an altar boy lighting some candles. So he figures, “The kid has to know something” and calls the altar boy over. The altar boys says to him, “How may I help you, sir?”, so the janitor says, “Quick, can you tell me what the Father O’Leary gives for anal sex?”

    The altar boy says to him, “A bag of chips and two Snickers bars”
    Last edited by AChildOfBoredom; 11-08-2020 at 01:43 PM.
    Written on the walls at the house of sorrow
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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    LOL^!

    OK this's long:

    A girl leaned over her balcony, lost her balance, started falling..

    As she fell a few floors, a guy reached out & caught her, when she expressed gratitude, he asked, "do you fuck"?
    "No" she replied, & with that he dropped her.

    A few more floors another guy reached out & caught her, asking, "do you suck"? "No" she replied, & he dropped her.

    Finally, another guy caught her, immediately, she said frantically, "I fuck, I suck"!

    He looked at her, said, "slut", & her ass got dropped off again!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

    Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.

    Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

    'Nice boobs,' says the man, 'Where do you want the blinds?'

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?”

    “Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

    “And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

    “Sure is, Bubba.”

    “And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?”

    “Yep.”

    And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn”t read?”

    “That”s right,” said the lawyer.”
    “But why are you asking?”

    “Well, I was thinkin...

    “What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Luv the nun joke, lol!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    So, this guy goes to Hell, he's met by the Devil..

    Devil says, "Ok, you're here to stay, but at least you get to pick your punishment..

    He continues, "you get to pick 1 of the 3 choices, Im going to show you in action".

    He leads him to an area, where a guy's getting whipped, he says no to that.
    He then takes him to another area, a guy's getting tortured on a rack.
    "No way", he says.

    Finally, Devil leads him to a room, a man is getting a bj from a beautiful, shapely blond.
    "That's the punishment I want", he cried.

    So, devil walks up to the blond, taps her on the shoulder, &says, "Ok, your replacement's here".


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    Satan walked up to the old man and said:

    "Don't you know who I am?"

    "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't."

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"

    "Don't doubt it for a minute."

    "Did you know that I cold cause you profound, horrifying physical agony for all eternity??"

    "Yep", was the calm reply.

    "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.

    "Nope."

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man replied.........."Been married to your sister for 58 years."

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
    'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

    He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

    He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

    At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

    After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

    Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

    The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

    The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

    "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
    The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' which means: 'Don't drink the water; the cows have crapped in it.'
    The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Biden, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'
    The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more'

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

    A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked he says, "My God, what are you doing?"

    To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

    Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys. it as she completes her task.

    The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, and gives him a blow job.

    The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

    The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Medicare and private insurance

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
    graduation.

    They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are
    to be executed in the morning - though none of them can
    remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair
    and is asked if she has any last words.

    She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and
    believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf Of the
    innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

    They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
    forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
    words.

    "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe
    in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
    They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

    Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for
    forgiveness and release her.

    The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
    Well I'm from Texas A&M and just graduated with
    a degree in Electrical Engineering and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll
    ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

    Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts

    with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Italian,
    "my eyes aren't what they used to be"

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet
    Airlines, from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy who had been
    quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If
    big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't
    big airplanes have baby airplanes?' The mother who couldn't think
    of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant. So the
    boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who was
    busy serving drinks. She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you
    to ask me?' The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go
    and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because
    Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to
    you.'

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Here's what happened to Bubba:

    Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, “shingles”. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba
    what he had. Bubba said, “shingles”. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

    A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he
    had. Bubba said, “shingles”. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
    pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes
    and wait for the doctor.

    An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
    Bubba said, “shingles”.

    The doctor asked, Where?

    Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

    Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Why English Officers Wore Red Coats

    A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
    During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.
    They took him to their headquarters, and the French
    general began to question him. Finally, as an after
    thought, the French general asked, "Why do you
    English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
    material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?
    "In his bland English way, the officer informed
    the general that the reason English officers wear
    red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show,
    and the men they are leading won't panic.

    And that is why, from that day to this,
    all French Army officers wear brown pants

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem

    when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

    After looking around for a while,

    He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. ?

    So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements

    to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. ?

    A few days later,

    when the robe was finished,

    Jesus tried it on

    and it was ?a perfect fit !

    He asked how much He owed. ?

    Finkelstein brushed him off: ?

    "No, no, no, for the Son of God ? ?

    There's ?no charge ! ?

    However, may I ask for a small favor ?

    Whenever you give a sermon,

    perhaps you could just mention

    that your nice new robe

    was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "

    Jesus readily agreed and as promised,

    extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe

    whenever He spoke to the masses.

    ?A few months later,

    while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem,

    He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop

    and noted a huge line of ?people

    waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

    He pushed his way through the crowd

    to speak to him

    and as soon as ?Finkelstein spotted Him

    he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business !

    Would you consider ?a ?partnership ? "

    "Certainly," replied Jesus. ?"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

    " ?Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. ?

    "Finkelstein & Jesus. ?

    After all, ?I am ?the craftsman."

    The two of them debated this for some time.

    Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful

    and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

    A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

    Can you guess what it read ??



    Are you sure you want to know ?



    Here it comes...

    Don't say you weren't warned......
















    Lord & Taylor
    Last edited by slowpoke; 11-09-2020 at 02:47 PM.

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

    "So I hear you're getting married?"

    "Yep!"

    "Do I know her?"

    "Nope!"

    "This woman, is she good looking?"

    "Not really."

    "Is she a good cook?"

    "Naw, she can't cook too well."

    "Does she have lots of money?"

    "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

    "Well, then, is she good in bed?"

    "I don't know."

    "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

    "Because she can still drive!"

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    How are strippers and condoms alike..................... they are always in your wallet and never on your dick.
    Focus more on what you want than on what you don’t want

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    ^ That's cruel. (and untrue)
    Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?
    Because he uses the finest ingredients and real ice cream.

  43. #25
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    Default Re: Fav jokes

    I don't get that, but ok..

    So, this guy's in the military, its a remote place, & hes very lonely for companionship (sex).
    He started talking to the other guys, they told him about this camel..

    He says, no can't/won't do it..
    Finally he gives in, tries it out.

    He told one of the men, who said, "Uh, ok, but we just use it to get to town"!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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