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Thread: Pros and Cons of Marriage

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    Default Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Just curious what y’all think are the benefits AND downsides of being in a marital relationship.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    I've never been married but I have tons of friends that are or were, and they tell me the most horrible stuff. Plus they never listen when you say, "don't you think cheating might be a bad idea?". Divorce with children turns one or both people into absolute monsters, and loses them 70% of their wealth. Divorce without children is better but hurts people a lot more than they'll admit. "Happy" marriages, if you know the husband or wife well, are anything but, except for a few.

    To make a successful marriage, it seems, you need two people who really care about each other, and are willing to critique themselves, but not be doormats. You also need some cultural affinity (sorry, this is true from what I've seen), similar approach to wealth, and a desire to work for the success of the marriage.

    If you have all that, you build more wealth and stability, which are big pros. If you don't ...
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Yeah the biggest con to me is the effort required to make it work. Clearly, marriage is not an effortless relationship. Even open marriages require significant time spent to prove you are not finding your partner unattractive.

    Pros are of course the stability, labor can be legitimately be divided equally (aka stay at home parent), and social standing in conservative circles.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Depends on the people. If you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, its a no brainer. If you dont know, or you know you are not capable of forever with one person, or think that your partner isnt, then its a bad idea.

    Any relationship will eventually take work, married or not. Marriage IMO makes you give it more of an effort before flushing it. Maybe you end up flushing it anyway, but you know you gave it every shot. Its a commitment to each other....legal, financial. Its a strong signal that you both are committed for the long haul.

    Its not for everyone...but ive been married 25 years, couldnt be happier. Most of my family & friends are happily married, a few neutrally married(its not great, not terrible, but they are staying married for the forseeable future) and a few divorced. And 2 of those should never have gotten married, wasnt for them.

    I think most people tend to be selfish when you are younger, i certainly was, only concerned with my needs and desires. My relationship with my wife(and then having kids) helped me(required me) grow beyond that. I feel that I'm a more complete person having to put others needs and desires on par with my own. Maybe this would have happened with or without marriage, but this is just my experience.

    Of course this requires the other party to feel the same way about you as you do to them. I dont think it can be one sided. And i dont think you get this if you are marrying for money or citizenship or status.

    Anyway, these are just my thoughts and experiences......there are a whole lot of different ways to live happily and fulfilled..

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    I didn't feel like marriage did anything for me. It just makes it harder for people to leave the relationship if they're unhappy. And i say this as someone who had a perfectly amicable, uncontested divorce with no fighting or financial issues (i think my divorce cost us something like $200 apiece, for a remote lawyer to draw up and file the papers).

    Marriage may offer some piece of mind if you're reliant on your partner's income, and / or you have kids. But again, even in that situation, while it's true that you may get a feeling of security, the other side of that coin is that the partner with more power in the relationship (whether that's earnings power, power from being less invested emotionally, etc.) will end up feeling trapped if the relationship sours for whatever reason. And that feeling of knowing that you can't just decide to leave makes for a very unsexy, weird-energy type of situation. I was the one with more power in my relationship, and i think i definitely stuck around longer due to being married, so it extended the amount of time that i was unhappily partnered. And i was very afraid that my ex might unexpectedly retaliate by trying to legally split finances, so i spent a lot of time worrying about that prior to pursuing divorce.

    Check out the book Mating in Captivity if you like reading about this kind of thing! It's about how security and excitement can't completely coexist.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    I wanted to also mention that i think it is far more romantic and sexy to not be married. My partner chooses to be with me every day not because we involved the law in our relationship, and not because he's "locked down," but because he wants to be with me. I find it far more secure, happy, and healthy to not be married in my long-term relationship, because we are both free.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Check out the book Mating in Captivity if you like reading about this kind of thing! It's about how security and excitement can't completely coexist.
    I would have to check it out but I kinda disagree, In short the brain is plastic you can have it hold simultaneously contradictory information and still function normally, what if the married couple absolutely fetishize traveling? if they constantly generating new experiences they can be perfectly safe and still run out their days without running out of places to visit. In short excitement is generally about new positive experiences, how the neurons fire in a particular pathway, and how rote repetition can dull those pathways.

    With all that being said it is 99% accurate for most normal people and why the dark triad personality is as attractive. Excitement is more important than security so excitement is sought first. My trick is to always project the illusion of insecurity and fine tune it + exploit her fetishes, that way she can have her cake (perfectly safe) and eat it too (perfectly excitable).

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    It can be a pro and it can be a con, often a mix of both. Your partner will really get on your nerves and then make you smile by turns. It all depends. It also depends on whom you marry. If he's a dick prepare for a hell ride and then a divorce, but if he's not who knows, you might actually like it. Some guys are pretty easygoing, some guys aren't.

    If you're asking about me, I was married for a little while. I actually adopted her Daughter because the natural father didn't want to be part of her life. And then she got ovarian cancer, we fought it and fought it and fought it but it still claimed her. The Judge when I was adopting my Daughter was all "are you sure" I had no issues. I was like YES. She's still with me. Though she'll be going to college soon, a day I DREAD.
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by DeathAndTaxes View Post
    I would have to check it out but I kinda disagree, In short the brain is plastic you can have it hold simultaneously contradictory information and still function normally, what if the married couple absolutely fetishize traveling? if they constantly generating new experiences they can be perfectly safe and still run out their days without running out of places to visit. In short excitement is generally about new positive experiences, how the neurons fire in a particular pathway, and how rote repetition can dull those pathways.

    With all that being said it is 99% accurate for most normal people and why the dark triad personality is as attractive. Excitement is more important than security so excitement is sought first. My trick is to always project the illusion of insecurity and fine tune it + exploit her fetishes, that way she can have her cake (perfectly safe) and eat it too (perfectly excitable).
    I think perhaps our only disagreement is in terminology. You're exactly right that there are tricks to ensure that you have both security and excitement in a relationship, and the book i mentioned talks about that. Absolutely agreed with you that generating new experiences can keep that alive.

    I'll be honest that i don't understand the point of marriage. Why get married, if you're already in a committed, long-term relationship? What is marriage doing for anyone?

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I'll be honest that i don't understand the point of marriage. Why get married, if you're already in a committed, long-term relationship? What is marriage doing for anyone?
    Legally, there are some advantages to being married, such as with hospital visitation, making decisions for your spouse in the case where your spouse is incapacitated, being allowed to refuse to testify against your spouse in court, and if one of the partners isn't working, there are tax advantages to being married. If you're staying home to take care of children and being supported by your partner, you have a lot more security if you're married. Religious people might not find it acceptable to live with their partner if they're not married. I think the two main reasons why fewer people are getting married today are, women are much more likely to be working and able to support themselves, and the percentage of Americans who are religious has been in decline.

    It would be my preference to not get married, just because all of the hassles of divorce, if it didn't work out.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    I remember reading of a case, where a lesbian could not visit her partner in the hospital, because her partner's parents refused to allow her to visit. This was before gay marriage was legally recognized. The same could happen to an unmarried heterosexual couple, if the parents of one, disapproved of their son's or daughter's partner.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I think perhaps our only disagreement is in terminology. You're exactly right that there are tricks to ensure that you have both security and excitement in a relationship, and the book i mentioned talks about that. Absolutely agreed with you that generating new experiences can keep that alive.

    I'll be honest that i don't understand the point of marriage. Why get married, if you're already in a committed, long-term relationship? What is marriage doing for anyone?
    Yeah the terminology is tricky but we are in complete agreement, that said I do believe it is moral to end things if there is a divergence of expectations if I see no future and she clearly wants one, I prefer being single for a while, then ultimately wasting her time.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    I remember reading of a case, where a lesbian could not visit her partner in the hospital, because her partner's parents refused to allow her to visit. This was before gay marriage was legally recognized. The same could happen to an unmarried heterosexual couple, if the parents of one, disapproved of their son's or daughter's partner.
    Yeah, eagle's right. They can also boot you from your house if one partner dies. One of the main reasons they wanted to be able to marry.

    And lets be honest, gay people are clearly not why marriage got so fucked up. Heteros are because they kept cheating on their wives. You can't tout the sanctity of marriage and still go fuck your mistress. That's ridiculous. 50% divorce rate! If anything Gays SAVED marriage.
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    It's usually more beneficial for women if they married a "marriageable" man, meaning having a career and/or owns a successful business, properties, savings, stocks, assets, etc. Once that man signs that marriage license, he's pretty lock in if the woman plays the long game. Meaning she has to play the part of a good wife for several years until she qualifies for the spousal benefits during the divorce.

    Marriage serves as a "retirement" or "insurance plan for a lot of women. But if a woman marries an average Joe, she's just wasting her time.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    305gurl, we're good here. But i'd be more interested in someone whom actually loved me. Married me for the old school reasons. It's all good, though. You never know, might just happen to you! Maybe! You never can tell. It happened to me once, and I didn't think it would.
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    ^the “old school” reasons were actually to marry for resources because once the daughters left home they had to ensure they married men who would take as good of care/provide for them as well as or better than their family of origin.

    It has been said that poor people marry for love at first.

    And not to mention men themselves are selecting wives based on their own hypergamous beliefs. With all do respect Raziel I highly doubt you’d be out here wifing up some 2 out of 10, 600lb Bertha broad cause you loved her especially if you thought you could pull an attractive, fit woman. Nope men are out here choosing wives mainly based on looks, body, sex skills, age, how she makes him feel, etc

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    The pros of marriage seem to be that you have a partner (if you chose well) who you mesh with and someone who can be there for you when you need it most.

    Marriage seems most beneficial when you have kids or when you’re middle age n beyond.

    There also may be some tax benefits and depending on how both people view money, some benefit to accumulating wealth combined as a partnership.

    Also in some career professions, marriage is better for ones image allowing them to move up faster than their single/divorced/widowed counterparts

    Once a person gets to know you well, they become THE most important person to you and they are in tune with your spirit which produces a more deeply satisfying relationship


    CONS of marriage- marry the wrong person and you’re either stuck riding it out or having to split coins going through what for most people is a messy divorce

    You may want to leave but it may take months or years to get it done.

    You can’t entertain other people (without being a cheater) so any problems HAVE to be worked out or resentment starts to creep in

    Once a person gets to know you really well they have the power to destroy you if they hate you enough

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    ^the “old school” reasons were actually to marry for resources because once the daughters left home they had to ensure they married men who would take as good of care/provide for them as well as or better than their family of origin.

    It has been said that poor people marry for love at first.

    And not to mention men themselves are selecting wives based on their own hypergamous beliefs. With all do respect Raziel I highly doubt you’d be out here wifing up some 2 out of 10, 600lb Bertha broad cause you loved her especially if you thought you could pull an attractive, fit woman. Nope men are out here choosing wives mainly based on looks, body, sex skills, age, how she makes him feel, etc
    Yeah, probably not. But that's because I don't think I COULD fall for a Woman that disrespects herself so. If you weigh 600 pounds then you eat too much. You don't have to starve yourself, but an entire pizza may be too much. This same thing goes for guys as well, how many men have you met that could use a little less food, WAY too fat! It's not just Women.

    BTW: Maybe i'm just a bit of a romantic, but I wouldn't trade it in.
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    You can’t entertain other people (without being a cheater) so any problems HAVE to be worked out or resentment starts to creep in
    What about open marriages? That said yeah attraction is a given and if anybody pursues marriage without attraction is a monster red flag for me.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    ^yeah good luck finding women accepting open marriages. Few n far between.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    No offense to anyone, but I wouldn't accept an open marriage. It's cool that others do, however. I'm not the end all and be all. But I'm pretty aware of if my Wife or Girlfriend is cheating on me. If she's allowing another man to insert his penis into her, i have issues. And that's how I would feel in an open relationship of any kind. Again, nothing against folks that don't feel that way, it's all up to you, it's YOUR relationship/Marriage. But it just doesn't work for me.
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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    ^yeah good luck finding women accepting open marriages. Few n far between.
    They are becoming more common

    There was a NYT article on this but it is behind a paywall

    https://www.insidehook.com/article/s...y-happier-ones

    In short polyamory is more common in relationships and that eventually extends to marriage relationships. Also I think that men afraid of the children not being his is the biggest obstacle to open marriages. Now what men do secretly want is non-egalitarian open marriage for him and monogamy for her. Now that is the unicorn.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by 305gurl View Post
    It's usually more beneficial for women if they married a "marriageable" man, meaning having a career and/or owns a successful business, properties, savings, stocks, assets, etc. Once that man signs that marriage license, he's pretty lock in if the woman plays the long game. Meaning she has to play the part of a good wife for several years until she qualifies for the spousal benefits during the divorce.

    Marriage serves as a "retirement" or "insurance plan for a lot of women. But if a woman marries an average Joe, she's just wasting her time.
    If you watch "Forensic Files" or "Dateline", you'll see quite a few cases where the husband or wife knocks off his or her spouse in order to get the spouse's assets and to collect on life insurance.

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    ^thats why i think marital relationships that lean more towards transactional (if one is into that sort of thing) end up being better (than marrying someone waiting for them to die to get assets after they die) because at least the people are honest up front and no one has to die right away in order to participate.

    The other way to collect assets is divorce (if ya married up)

    It’s really a good idea to marry the right person because you just never know what could cause someone to snap to the point of spousal homicide. I bet a good amount of the time it’s issues with money

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    Default Re: Pros and Cons of Marriage

    I've also seen cases where it's over custody of children.

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