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Thread: Dancing, career or pastime?

  1. #26
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    You also claim “she wanted for nothing” so this makes it harder for you to understand why she’s go back to the club if money wasn’t the motivation

    First, either you’re underestimating how much it takes to maintain her standard of living (I’ll tell you that tossing some pocket change for a car maintenance bill or a nightly dinner, while helpful, is NOT enough)

    OR

    You incorrectly assumed that throwing some money around without consistently checking in with her about what makes sense given her desire, her motivation level, her goals would influence her to do things your way. People aren’t robots that operate like snack machines. Money does influence some people more than others but not everyone will bend when they see dollar signs.

    For some women this is a career that they want to stay in because it’s what they’re good at, they enjoy it (not necessarily sexually), it allows financial n time freedom, etc

    You said she’s been dancing for 10 years. That’s probably her comfort zone job and she may have needed more support like a career counselor or life coach to help her transition IF that’s something she truly wanted to do.

    Also, as mentioned before there is still a lot to the story that we don’t know that may explain her her behavior so this is based off what you posted.

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  3. #27
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    There is also the more irrational reason all this transpired

    She simply did something moderately egregious that you wouldn’t like so that you’d break up with her.

    Some people want to breakup, don’t want to be the bad guy, and will act out so YOU break it off.

  4. #28
    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Ugh. What part of I left her is getting missed in these responses? If I were the salty type, why wouldn't I just move on without a care that maybe I wasn't understanding enough?
    You are posting on the internet, asking a bunch of strangers why she is living her life a certain way. Why on EARTH would you care if you weren't salty/regretful/not over the breakup?

    I've got 2 exes who broke up with me and then yes, they became salty after the fact, even though it was their choice to end things. One of them began to rival the Dead Sea when he found out I was dancing and saw how well it was treating me financially. They had expected to find me miserable and ecstatic to see them, and it threw them for a loop to get a lukewarm reception.

    It is absolutely possible for you to have sour grapes despite initiating the breakup. If I had to guess, I'd say your ego is bruised that she's doing well without you and not "appreciating' what you did for her with school and whatnot.

    This whole vaccine thing... If you were high-risk, you should have gotten your shots. Boom, problem solved. If she wants to risk it, that's on her, but you would have plenty of immunity. Frankly, it sounds like the real issue is that she didn't want the vaccine for whatever reason and giving you extra protection was not a priority to her, which means she didn't care about you as much as you wanted.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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  6. #29
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Who broke up with who is a completely irrelevant trump card, popularized by sitcoms of the 90s.

    Jealousy is the dumbest emotion and it does not care for logic or reason, much less the one-upism of "you can't fire me I quit". Luckily I avoid it like the plague both in myself and my partners so that endings are always pretty amicable, I rather be the "victim" than spend a minute of my life being sour on past events.

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  8. #30
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Now if you wanted her to get a different career as a result of your educational investment then you should have gotten a notarized contract drawn up by a lawyer stipulating she work the job you paid for or she will have to pay you back if she chooses not to.
    She told me her profession on our 2nd date, I never asked her to change -- only let the pandemic blow over, which shouldn't have been such a hard sell to a germaphobe. I never told her what to do with a $4K+ allowance, I just found it attractive that she put it to use the way she did. I wish she'd follow through on massage, because it turns out she's super good at it, and has the looks (way of the world) to land a high-dollar job at a resort spa, as opposed to being a plugger at Massage Envy.

    What neither one of us was aware of, is how physically demanding massage work is for someone with a slight build. Last time we went for massages together (best gift for a masseuse is a massage), the gal who worked on us both was saying how all the masseurs/masseuses at that spa get a discount from a local physical therapist, and that weekly physical therapy is part of the job. But dancing's tough too, she's hardly disfigured from it but does have "dents" from the pole.

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    She simply did something moderately egregious that you wouldn’t like so that you’d break up with her.
    I hate that you might be right about that.
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  9. #31
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    I've been a "plugger at Massage Envy" as you put it, and i can tell you that it's experience rather than appearance that lands you those jobs (it's a great place to work right out of massage school - decent pay, you'll get lots of clients and experience quickly, good tips from customers who feel like they're getting a good deal on their massages, benefits offered), among other factors such as personal preference for the expectations of work (high volume with good potential for tips, vs. nicer places where the expectations are much higher, longer commutes, harder to get hired on, etc.). I don't think you meant to get into this discussion, and i don't think you meant any offense, but wanted to clarify.

    "Masseuse" is a misnomer.

    Also, massage is EXTREMELY hard on the body. I quit after six months of part-time work. You're putting a lot of pressure on parts of your body that are very prone to injury. It felt like dancing with way less money, worse hours, and equal growth opportunity. I think it's a great career if your body can handle it and you're passionate about it, but lots of people find that they aren't cut out for the work. Dancing is easier both physically and emotionally, and pays way better. Massage will be a good fallback option for her whenever she wants a change.

    Carry on.

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  11. #32
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    You are posting on the internet, asking a bunch of strangers why she is living her life a certain way. Why on EARTH would you care if you weren't salty/regretful/not over the breakup?
    Part of me getting over it, is understanding it. And her. There's no couples therapy for sugar daddy / stripper relationships, so I asked here and have gotten some valuable insight.

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    It is absolutely possible for you to have sour grapes despite initiating the breakup. If I had to guess, I'd say your ego is bruised that she's doing well without you and not "appreciating' what you did for her with school and whatnot.
    Probably. I honestly don't know how she's doing. Is she trying to contact me because she's doing better than ever and wants to rub my nose in it? I don't know what to think, but at the same time I wish her nothing but the best.

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    This whole vaccine thing... If you were high-risk, you should have gotten your shots.
    I shorthanded. I wasn't cleared for the jab until April 19th, got my first a week later, going in for the second tomorrow. High-risk would be the people around me in life, like my 65yo roomie with COPD and emphysema, or my parents (lost my Stepdad and a few others close to me, to Covid). This should have gotten me cleared for the jab earlier, but didn't.

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    Frankly, it sounds like the real issue is that she didn't want the vaccine for whatever reason and giving you extra protection was not a priority to her, which means she didn't care about you as much as you wanted.
    Possibly. Please forgive me for asking if stripping might be such a compulsion it couldn't wait another month, I'm a lot harder to dislike in person than I am online. Also with the whole germaphobe thing... I have to wash my hands before I can touch her bod, even if her bod was the last thing I touched. But those guys who touch her at the club? What was the last thing their hands touched? Hence my confusion, and questions.
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  12. #33
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    I understand the emotional side of this, but i think the irritation you're getting in our responses is because you're trying to approach your emotional problem logically, like if you can logically understand her personal decisions, it'll help you recover emotionally. When you said that there's no therapist to help SDs recover from SB losses, i understand you, but you're wrong. It wouldn't be couples therapy, it'd be therapy, and i think it'd be more useful and healthy for you than polling a sex-worker forum.

    Best of luck, OP.

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  14. #34
    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Are you still giving her an allowance ?

    What’s your agenda here ?

    If you want her to fully quit ask her the magic #!
    But I have a feeling it might be more than you think.

    You mention “ a month “. So .. you’ll be comfy on her fully vaxxed date with her dancing?

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  16. #35
    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    ^ Yeah my former SD would go over things about us with his therapist .

  17. #36
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Are you still giving her an allowance ?

    What’s your agenda here ?

    If you want her to fully quit ask her the magic #!
    But I have a feeling it might be more than you think.
    Right, and you can't put a price on independence. I'd take the money and continue working behind my SD's back if he 'bought me out.' Tricks get tricked (i don't mean that in an evil way, there are limits to that, of course).

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  19. #37
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I understand the emotional side of this, but i think the irritation you're getting in our responses is because you're trying to approach your emotional problem logically, like if you can logically understand her personal decisions, it'll help you recover emotionally.
    Well, yeah. Degree in Chemistry, career in Internet tech, successful entrepreneur... you got me there. If you ever have issues with a geek, feel free to reach out to me for insight. Sometimes, generalizations are spot-on.
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  20. #38
    Featured Member kamiliam's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Right, and you can't put a price on independence. I'd take the money and continue working behind my SD's back if he 'bought me out.' Tricks get tricked (i don't mean that in an evil way, there are limits to that, of course).
    This was always my attitude. Well whenever it worked in my favor this was my attitude.

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  22. #39
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by kamiliam View Post
    This was always my attitude. Well whenever it worked in my favor this was my attitude.
    Yeah, it's kind of the price of stupidity on the part of the person paying for something that ridiculous. It'd be like trying to buy out a waitress for a certain amount of time, lol. She's like, thanks, I'll take the money... and continue making my own damn money so that somebody doesn't own me and my life choices.

    It's the "save a whore" mentality that leads men towards wanting to provide for her so that she doesn't "have to do that work" and I've definitely preyed on men with that mentality in the past, pretending i was getting ready to leave that line of work and just needed one last check from my SD before quitting. I know that sounds kind of cruel, like a lie, but sex work IS a lie, in the same way that any customer-service role is a lie.

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  24. #40
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Are you still giving her an allowance ?
    No.

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    What’s your agenda here ?
    Like I said, personal growth. OK, I'm getting misunderstood as being distraught and broken-hearted, truth be known I'm trying not to be angry. At her, or myself -- for discontinuing the allowance that could've given her the buffer she needed to move on from the club, if she was ever sincere about that...

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    If you want her to fully quit ask her the magic #!
    But I have a feeling it might be more than you think.
    We never went there. I asked her the magic # to get her through the pandemic with her club being closed for the better part of the past year, $4K was her # not mine, yes she could've taken home more from the club but also had expenses related to the job (uber adds up if you don't want anyone to know your vehicle, etc), throw in the intangibles of covering other expenses that came up like food, etc... I'm sure there are gals out there who did better, but I'm sure most didn't.

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    You mention “ a month “. So .. you’ll be comfy on her fully vaxxed date with her dancing?
    I was OK with her dancing when we agreed to an allowance-baby arrangement prior to the pandemic. If she'd waited to be fully vaxxed before returning to the club, I wouldn't have broken up with her, although I would be confused about the germaphobe thing not applying at work vis-a-vis hand-washing.
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    OP, would you clarify again why you're trying not to be angry? You're angry with yourself for stopping her allowance? Genuinely confused.

  26. #42
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    She never said she wouldn't get vaccinated. After the 2nd excuse for not having gone, I gazed into my crystal ball and saw that dragging out -- if I don't keep up her allowance (which I should add, amounted to 5 nights / 4 days together per month on average, except during the lockdown a year ago when I kept up her allowance without seeing her), she'll have to go back to the club unvaccinated and I wouldn't want that, would I? (angry at her for emotional blackmail)

    Maybe my crystal ball is faulty, and she hadn't gone back to the club (which I highly doubt given the timing of her texts, after 18 months together I know when she's on dancer hours, or drunk, which correlates highly), and really was about to get vaccinated -- then I did force her back to the club unvaccinated (ME isn't hiring without proof of vax), and yeah I'd be angry with myself.
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  27. #43
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    What's keeping you involved in her drama? Do you love her? Or are you just fixated on those feelings of betrayal / confusion / etc.?

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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Things suddenly ended a coupla weeks ago, we each sent a brief email since. Last time we were together was just before tax/vax day. Not involved. I'm not fixated on any particular emotion except maybe confusion, as the note we ended on in person was "I could fall in love with you" to which she replied "I want to meet your Mom." Downhill from there? More like dropping off a cliff.

    What's different? Club re-opened.
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    I hear you. Sounds like you're mostly hung up on trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, like, what happened here. Also makes sense to try to figure it out so you can try to avoid similar stuff in the future.

    Though if you were telling her that you could fall in love with her, it seems like there's some emotion to untangle there, too, not just a logical breakdown.

    I wonder if she had a crisis of conscience, or just wanted to be done once things started getting more emotionally involved and taxing. Hard to say. Sounds messy, I'm sorry you're going through something.

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  31. #46
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    It'll take the therapy profession a couple years to catch up to the pandemic's effects. What I used to say, was we were together for 18 months *despite* the pandemic, now I say we were together for 18 months *because* of the pandemic.

    Look, I'm a 52yo twice-widowed ex-SD former swim team captain and fraternity *vice* president (I held all the power, like Cheney lol), social-committee-chair before that, math/science/computer geek. I'm hardly naive about relationships of all sorts (D&D style B&D not my thing, but I only know because I tried, she was so geekily hot). But this one, wound up being almost entirely defined by the pandemic! I started to fall for a sex worker for the first time since 1987, we were 18 and she got me a job at the Bustop where she danced, her topless-waitress roomie was my other reference, and we all had amazing... fake ID's lol!

    Deep reflection for months coming, to sort this one out. I guess we both went with what we had, too soon into the relationship? Fucking global death virus. Totally outside my experience.
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  32. #47
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Though if you were telling her that you could fall in love with her, it seems like there's some emotion to untangle there, too, not just a logical breakdown.
    I'm only human. "Love the one you're with" as the song goes. Is it possible that at my age, I felt liberated by not even wanting to look around because pandemic, while she felt trapped by it at her age?
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    Yeah the golden rule of dating dancers is not fall in love. It is harder than with civilian women because they are good at it and they know it, but that is part of the fun.

    Just get back on the horse and find somebody else, that is the only way to quickly get over it.

  34. #49
    Senior Member mellowmutt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    I did that days ago, sex with my ex-pornstar, about to dance again for the first time in 2 years, ex-SB... Too soon, apparently?
    Kinks - "I'm Not Like Everybody Else"

  35. #50
    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing, career or pastime?

    ^ Dancers are normal people.

    If you hope she will quit and live with you / have a " normal " type of relationship with you then talk openly about the idea.

    Just don't * expect * her to quit . She may simply just not want to ! It sounds like you are at the " end " of the pay for arrangement type of relationship and that's totally fine ! It sounds like you had some good times during Corona times anyway. It seems like you enjoyed everything ( just may not have had quite the ending you hoped for ). You seem to have the time and budget for some pretty good adventures so just count that as a plus.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-27-2021 at 08:41 AM.

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