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Thread: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

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    Default Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Been dating someone for a few months. It was great at first. He had lots of nice things to say, and even said that he loved me very quickly. We moved things pretty quick because that's how it's always been in my other two serious relationships and have spent a lot of time together but things have been headed south lately, about a few months in.

    I feel as though he is often invalidating when I confide in him. If it's, "I didn't get the job I wanted," then his response would be, "Well, you should have tried harder." When I confided in him a few instances of what I felt like sexual coercion, he started asking questions, like "why then did you go to his house...?", "I mean if it was at work, what do you expect?". If I tell him anything, he counters with, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way, how can you?" He's told me multiple times that I'm too sensitive, need to be stronger and that his harsh words are an attempt to "make [me] a better person." He has called me "selfish" for talking about a sick relative and being upset about it. I can sometimes say horrible things out of anger but he says hurtful/insensitive stuff out of the blue.

    After we had agreed to be exclusive, I caught him talking to other women, one he had an emotional relationship with prior to meeting me. He said that he was "too nice" to end the conversation with her and tell her that he found someone. Another time, shortly after, he was actively trying to engage with women on tinder. He said that he was board. He also said he wasn't sure if I really liked him and that's why he kept talking to other people. I felt like this was a good reason to dump him but we were out in the middle of nowhere, 3.5 hours from a major city and he was driving to his house where he vacations a lot, so we made up and I stayed. After that, I've continued to be terrified of him cheating, and he won't let me near his phone anymore and blocked me from his instagram since our last fight.

    About a week ago, I had planned a date for us. This was in que for like weeks. I paid for it, asked him what show he wanted to see, let him drive my car to the event (my car is newer, safer and more reliable than his). After the show, we were at the hotel eating and drinking and he, out of nowhere, remarked: What would your college think if they knew what you do for a living? After all the financial aid they gave you? We had a great night up until then, but I felt like this was a major put-down out of nowhere. I didn't take this very well. I tried to talk to him about it, and he even smirked at me. Kept insisting that I'm so much better than what I do for work and that I can't take a joke, that I'm too sensitive.

    Anyhow, I'm starting to think that he is emotionally and/or verbally abusive. The emotional invalidation, gaslighting, character assassinations, etc. I'm wondering if he really likes me (or maybe being unkind is how he shows love), or is using me for easy sex (he wants sex ALL the time and has been known to not take 'no' for an answer w/me; he just cares about his needs and he needs it 3 times a day, every day), whether there is some blatant disrespect there or maybe just disrespect for women in general. I'm pretty sure the guy has some antisocial personality traits (e. g. he tells me I shouldn't pay taxes/just hide all my money, he has multiple duis, was expelled from school as a kid, is financially irresponsible as is shown by him being in debt up to his eye balls even though his college was entirely paid for and he got a pretty giant inheritance, etc).

    I've distanced myself from him since our last fight. I am willing to work on the relationship but anything I point out, he acts defensive and accuses me of being critical. I've suggested couples counseling and he's told me it's "dumb white b*ch bs". I want things to work but I am strongly considering blocking and moving on. I simply can't tolerate being talked to the way he talks to me...

    He's 42, said he had a 3 year, on-again, off-again relationship with his baby momma, 2 year relationship with a girl in this early to mid-twenties and then just short-term relationships after that. I've had a couple of relationships in my early to mid-twenties but those types of men are coupled up and will be for good (they were kind, emotionally supportive and very smart), though we still remain in touch. Maybe both of us just don't have enough experience with relationships, and that's the issue, not that he's just plain mean. Maybe we're just incompatible.

    Thoughts?

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  3. #2
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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    A relationship is clearly a give and take affair, if you are only giving and not taking there is hardly any logic in it continuing. What is the point of being miserable?

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    It does seem abusive to me.

    Google a bit in the " Narc Abuse " category and you'll see some parallels .

    They love trying to " triangle " women against each other . They are often doing the same things / same profile behaviors. Talking to women outside the relationship is on there. So it the sexual abuse. Asking for / insisting on daily sex IS abuse for sure . 100%.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Based on what you said, I'd create a plan to disengage and get away safely.
    Safety is priority #1 with these people so obviously don't let him know where you are next. Try to start a rumor you live with a man or other people even if you live alone ect.
    There are domestic violence resources in almost every city too !
    You can work with a counselor who can help you create a safety plan.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 08-29-2021 at 04:53 PM.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    OH and Narcs are " reel you in " experts !! Read up on this disorder and the info might help !

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Yikes. What you describe is emotionally and mentally abusive in every way.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    ^ Yes, it seems like a safety plan is really THE only option here.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Yes, he is abusive. You should definitely leave him. He is not supportive of you and he seems incapable of feeling empathy. When you're in a relationship, your partner should be there to support you, not make you feel worse.
    Last edited by eagle2; 08-29-2021 at 07:30 PM.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    If you want blue comments, what immediately stands out to me is this:

    "or is using me for easy sex (he wants sex ALL the time and has been known to not take 'no' for an answer w/me; he just cares about his needs and he needs it 3 times a day, every day)"

    This level of addictive controlling behavior is a symptom of low self esteem manifesting as the desire to control and punish others.

    There are other great posts here but for me that phrase just leapt out. We all know that in real life there are blurred lines, but what you describe, again, is addictive behavior that indicates that he most likely sees you as an object or a means to an end.

    Further, as others have said, he will likely become enraged when you deny him his desire to control you. If I may ask, is he mean to everyone or just to you and others with whom he is familiar?
    Where Am I? Missing NYC

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Yes what you're describing is emotional, verbal as well as sexual abuse.

    He's an abusive piece of shit, and that could also partly explain why he hasn't had a lot of long term relationships. After a couple months they all probably start to find out, just like you have, what an absolute waste of time he is and decide to leave. If this is how he acts after a few months when everything should still be wonderful and new between the two of you, imagine what he's like in a couple of years when he gets real comfortable and takes you for granted even more. I really don't see why you should try save this so called "relationship", the man is clearly not worth it. And after all he is just a man. There are millions of men out there, you can find a better one for sure, and to be honest being by yourself is much better than sharing your short and precious life with someone who doesn't respect you, who abuses you and makes your life worse instead of the best it can be.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroSugarMonster View Post
    BMaybe both of us just don't have enough experience with relationships, and that's the issue, not that he's just plain mean. Maybe we're just incompatible.

    Thoughts?
    No, he's just plain mean and abusive. SO many things jumped out as straight-up not okay, not simply being "incompatible." Please get away from this man. Even if you are willing to "work on it," he's made it explicitly clear that he is not willing to put in that same effort. You can't fix something one-sided, especially when you are clearly not the problem.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    It sounds like he's emotionally abusive. Make a plan to escape and if you have any family or friend support, use it. I recently escaped an emotionally abusive man. Leaving this type of man can be tough but you will be better off without him. I hope you can get away and be safe.

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    Crossfingers Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Please get & read: Dangerous Personalities, by FBI profiler Joe Navarro.
    Get it from you local library, Amazon, or Audible.
    It describes what to look for (checklists etc) & what to do, to simplify, GTFA (get the f* away) ASAP.
    He has an answer/comment for everything, none of good.
    Honestly, it's really difficult & triggering to read, but my opinion.

    Sounds like an a/hole to me.

    Best of luck, take care, be safe & aware.


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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    I think you know the answer... my question is, why have you stayed? I'm not trying to be snarky. I figure there must be a reason why you're considering trying to make it work. This dude is bad news, and the relationship is new enough that it doesn't seem like you have much to lose by ditching him and trying to find someone who actually makes you happy.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    There is too much wrong with him that it is not your job to fix

    While any one of the things you have mentioned may not be a deal breaker[although IMHO several are] the list is a troubling one when looked at in total. A sweet, kind emotionally supportive person who drunk Tinders can perhaps be forgiven. Or maybe they have a tendency to tell people should 'suck it up' more. OK, that is a point of view. But when you combine all the behaviors you listed, I cannot see a 'good person' behind all that. His lack of respect for you, and probably anyone, is to me most troubling

    Get gone

    Too many fish in the sea

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    This guy sounds like a textbook narcissist.

    Narcissists move fast in relationships and will hook you in with their love-bombing.

    He is gaslighting you into believing bullshit. And they all use the term "You're being too sensitive."

    Things will only get worse over time. Go on Youtube and look up Dr. Ramani and narcissism. This will save you a lot of heartache, money, energy, even your life.

    Yrs, he is absolutely abusive. Don't take things further with him.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?



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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Zero, give us an update.

    Did you get away from him smoothly ? It's really all you can do with this type of person.
    They are like a dead weight.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    I wanted to break up but he didn't want to, so we've been spending a lot less time together but still trying to work things out. I'm hoping that we are just adjusting to each other and our personal differences but that we can learn to deal with them. He has issues with the work I do as well, so that is definitely a contributing factor.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroSugarMonster View Post
    I wanted to break up but he didn't want to, so we've been spending a lot less time together but still trying to work things out. I'm hoping that we are just adjusting to each other and our personal differences but that we can learn to deal with them. He has issues with the work I do as well, so that is definitely a contributing factor.
    Your post really concerns me. Do you have someone close to you, or maybe even a therapist, whose opinion you trust? Just seeing a lot of red flags and worried you won't be able to get out of this.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroSugarMonster View Post
    I wanted to break up but he didn't want to, so we've been spending a lot less time together but still trying to work things out. I'm hoping that we are just adjusting to each other and our personal differences but that we can learn to deal with them. He has issues with the work I do as well, so that is definitely a contributing factor.
    It doesn't matter whether or not he wants to break up. It's your decision. From what you described in the OP, he's the one who is 100% responsible for the problems you're having with each other. There is nothing you could have possibly done to deserve being treated liked that. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your feelings. Of course, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do, but IMO, you deserve better.
    Last edited by eagle2; 09-14-2021 at 03:29 PM.

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    Default Re: Is this emotional or verbal abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by ZeroSugarMonster View Post
    I wanted to break up but he didn't want to, so we've been spending a lot less time together but still trying to work things out. I'm hoping that we are just adjusting to each other and our personal differences but that we can learn to deal with them. He has issues with the work I do as well, so that is definitely a contributing factor.
    Of course he doesn't want to break up! It's hard for an abuser to replace someone who will put up with his shit. He wants you to stay with him so he can continue to use you as his emotional punching bag.

    Go back and re-read what you wrote about him. It's hard to see when you are inside the bubble of the relationship. Read it like it was your best friend or your child asking you for advice about their significant other. What would you tell them to do?

    I can relate to you trying again to make it work because it took me literally years to break up with my asshole ex husband (mostly due to being involved with a church who made me feel guilty for leaving my abuser).

    Emotional scars are as painful as physical wounds and can take way longer to heal.

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