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Thread: What do you tell your kids you do?

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    Veteran Member francesca's Avatar
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    Default What do you tell your kids you do?

    My daughter is almost 12. I have not told her what I do and really don't want to yet.

    Me, her dad (my husband) and my daughter have a VERY open and honest relationship. We consider ourselves to be sexually liberated and extend that perspective to our daughter as she matures. She obviously takes after us because she is very open about her budding sexuality.

    Nevertheless, we feel she is too young to handle that information about her own mother in a mature manner. We don't want her taking it as a sign that she can be promiscuous.

    As it is, without her knowing a thing, she has claimed she wants to be a stripper and she practices her moves around the house all the time! Me and my husband look at each other like, oh SH**!!!

    Of course, a lot of this has come from her watching Britney and Christina on TV and young girls are influenced by their open sexualiity as well (which I think is fine for the most part).

    I figured I would wait until she is older than tell her...but we hate not telling her the truth. Another thing is, my family can never know what I do, because they are very religious and judgemental. I feel it would be wrong to entrust my daughter with information she would be obliged to keep "secret" from her grandparents.

    What have any of you done in this situation?
    * FIND YOUR POWER ANIMAL

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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    Well, I don't have any kids but I know that alot of women who I work with tell their kids they work as a bartender. If you want to be honest with your daughter but you don't think she's old enough to handle it, give her a G rated version... you work at a dance club... as she gets older, you can give her more and more information about it... As for her wanting to be a stripper, I think most girls go through that stage. I wanted to be a stripper too though. As for your family, I agree that it would be wrong to have your daughter keep this secret... but she will find out eventually and so eventually will have to keep this secret. You may just need to spill the beans?
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    Hi Francesca,

    Well I have 4 children..3 girls 11, 9, 2 1/2..1 boy 1 1/2..My 2 oldest have known since they were 4 and 5..They don't know any different..it is an openly discussed topic in my house..they have always played with my costumes..It is what I do. I think they wouldn't have understood the "BIG" secret if I told them now. It must be bad if mommy kept it a secret. My husband has been a Disc Jockey for 16 years...my girls have been in a lot of different clubs after hours...they have seen the bright lights, the stages, and heard the loud music..they have played on the pole and stage..met many other mommie's who are dancers and their children. They don't talk about what I do at school. They know that others (regular people as my girls call them) won't understand. My children have experienced a life they couldn't begin to explain to the country bumpkin children that live here. My children have not however been exposed to drugs, smoking, drinking etc..Myself and my husband don't and have not done any of those. I think we have a fantastic home..with the exception of both being in the entertainment industry..that is viewed as weird. A lot children here live in a home with smoking, drinking and abuse or they have a parent on welfare. My daughters are proud of me. They brag how great their mom looks compared to other kids mom's..(which I keep telling them to stop doing..but it doe's make me laugh). I hope your daughter doesn't become judgemental as your family. I think the longer you wait..she might wonder that you keeping it a secret..means you are ashamed and it's a bad thing. She is YOUR little girl..YOU are her mother..She should know who you really are. That's just my opinion..I hope what ever you choose to do everything works out for the best.

    Holiday


    "Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." ....Tori Amos

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    I like that G rated version that Bella mentioned..of course I don't talk about lap dancing ect..they know mom dresses up and put's on a show and the ends up topless.

    TA DA!!

    Holiday


    "Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." ....Tori Amos

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    My daughter is 12 and I've told her that I cocktail in a strip club. That in itself is a lot to handle at that age, I will not tell her I dance until she is much older. It's difficult enough for her to understand that I am comfortable with even working in that environment, and she thinks that strippers are gross...LOL. Originally I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to have to be burdened with a secret - I didn't want her dad to know because we weren't getting along well and I was worried he might use it against me in a custody battle, etc., and she attends a Catholic school where she would probably be kicked out if they knew. I would hate for her to have to defend me to others, knowing the societal stigma still attached to this profession.
    I like to be open and honest with my daughter as well, but as parents there are just some things that we need to use our judgement on.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    Here is my worry for you Francesca,

    At 12 years old I bet she knows a lot more than you might think she does. I thought years ago that my "secret" of smoking pot was safe until one day at dinner my 12 year old step daughter said, "Don't leave the salad laying around too long of Dad will smoke it!"

    Obviously i was not as sneaky as I thought.

    I would hate for her to find out from other kids at school, then she defends her Mom and denies it and ends up being embarassed when she finds out it is true.

    A hard thing to handle and I am glad it is not my decision to make. Best of luck with it.
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    Well my daughter is 7 and her father and I are both in this profession,we are not together anymore however and I have not worked with him since she was 3 but she is in gifted classes in school and is very smart and remembers that I dance, for the past 3 years it hasnt been here were I live I did it out of town,but I found out that he waas taking her in the club when I traveled ,while he did the buffet in the mornings,now she was pulling her under wear up her but and bending over and this is at 5 and she told me she saw it at dadys work,now this is the most upscale place in tampa,its an upscale chain of clubs with classy girls,but I was pissed,he bitched about me still dancing and I was traveling todo so,she picked up lots of things when she was 4 I was getting my hair done with the girl I traveled with and she had a short shirt on and she asked her so nonchalantly are your boobs real,I about died,any how I was thinking of going back to work here and now she is really at an age were she truly understands and she says dont dance mom its stupid,dancers are stupid,she is luckily a tom boy and I dont think she would ever dance,her father would definately not let her and she has said mom I want to be just like you except the stripper part,well I guess what Iam trying to say is kids are smart and they pick up things,she did at three and still remembers.

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    Ravin
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    I think you need to do what you and your husband think is best for your situation.

    I don't have kids yet...but I think that if you want them to be honest with you, then you have to be honest with them.

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    Veteran Member francesca's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    quite a variance in response. i guess i'm not alone...thanks for the feedback.
    * FIND YOUR POWER ANIMAL

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    Francesca; it really is a tough call. I think that the answer lies in the specifics of who you are and who your child is. There are kids that can handle this sort of thing beautifully, and others who cannot. You know your kid and what she's capable of. My only concern for her, is that you ask her to keep this secret. I think that's a terrible burden for a child, which will ultimately end up making her suspicious of your honesty. I'd rather my child know I was a dancer than dishonest. There are things we keep from our children - not being dishonest, but because they simply do not need to know. However, asking them to in essense "lie" for you, sends a completely different message to them.
    This probably didn't help, but it's my two cents.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    I am new to this board, but have been dancing for 11 years off and on. I am 29 now and am going through a divorce. I have a daughter age 6 and a son age 3. I always told my daughter that I was a bartender (which I was doing after my son was born). My girl came home from a visit with their father one day and told me that he had said there is no way that I can tend bar in those high heels in the closet and I showed people my boobs for money. I went bolistic, she's 6 for God's sake!!!!! I have much hatred for this man for tainting my sweet, innocent, daughter's mind. I explained to her that I go to a place where the girls dress up in beautiful clothes, wear makeup, fix their hair prettily, and spend time talking to customers that come in for relaxation after a long day at work or for a special occasion. I also told her that I get to dance like a ballerina does for people to see and appreciate. I put it to her in 6 year old vocabulary,(she is very smart though, don't get me wrong). She understood and the thought of mommy doing something dirty at work was replaced with thoughts of mommy doing something very beautiful for others to watch and appreciate, much like a movie star or other entertainer. I have never been ashamed of what I do, I enjoy the hell out of the stage and love the flattery and attention I receive there. I utilize work as a time away from the reality and stress of the outside world. I never advertise to anyone what I do though. No one knows just by looking at me where I am employed.

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    God/dess Zofia's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    My daughter is almost 12. I have not told her what I do and really don't want to yet.

    Me, her dad (my husband) and my daughter have a VERY open and honest relationship. We consider ourselves to be sexually liberated and extend that perspective to our daughter as she matures. She obviously takes after us because she is very open about her budding sexuality.

    Nevertheless, we feel she is too young to handle that information about her own mother in a mature manner. We don't want her taking it as a sign that she can be promiscuous.
    My parents were the exact opposite. They are very conservative Catholics and stongly believe that sex is for procreation only. That didn't stop me from being pretty promiscuous. As a matter of fact, it probably was something I consciously rebelled against.

    As it is, without her knowing a thing, she has claimed she wants to be a stripper and she practices her moves around the house all the time! Me and my husband look at each other like, oh SH**!!!
    I bet she knows or has some suspicion.

    I figured I would wait until she is older than tell her...but we hate not telling her the truth.
    Maybe it's just me, but I think she can handle the basic version. I mean what's there to be ashamed of. Plus, it is probably a good time to teach her some facts about guys.

    Another thing is, my family can never know what I do, because they are very religious and judgemental. I feel it would be wrong to entrust my daughter with information she would be obliged to keep "secret" from her grandparents.
    Maybe this is a good time to start teaching her the difference between confidential and secret and outright lies.

    HTH
    Z

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    I think that before deciding to tell your daughter, you need to consider the reasons why you want to tell her. I understand that you don't like not being completely honest with her, but what will be gained by telling? You will feel better, but will she? 12 is a confusing age for girls, lots of mixed up feelings about boys, sexuality, etc. - they are kids one minute, young adults the next.
    So you are able to explain to her why you can't mention it to the grandparents, what about her friends and peers? What if she confides in a friend and the news spreads? How would you feel if she came home saying she wasn't allowed to play with so and so because their parents don't like strippers? Or that boys were trying to get with her, thinking that she must be easy cause of what her mom does? Maybe my fears are a little extreme, but there are still so many judgemental people out there that are quick to stereotype others. I just can't see doing anything to make a pre-teens life that much harder, thay already need to deal with so much as it is. We can be emotionally strong enough to deal with rejection from close minded people, but that doesn't mean our kids are.
    Just my thoughts.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    My daughter is 11.
    We have a wonderful loving relationship.
    She knows I work at night. But I haven't told her the truth.
    I have told her that I bartend at a nightclub.
    She is cool with that and has never asked anything more.
    Opinions are one thing that makes us all individuals.

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    Curious Guest PoisonPrincess's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    ...but I think that if you want them to be honest with you, then you have to be honest with them.
    I agree 100%.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids you do?

    I have a good friend whose entire family knows she dances. Her parents, siblings, neices and nephews, everyone. Granted, they are probably not your average folks, but IMO they are some of the most balanced people I've ever known! They support her, talk openly about her job and what she does, etc. The kids (neices and nephews), whom she spends alot of time with, think it's perfectly normal. I've spent time with these kids myself and they are perfectly fine. Of course it's probably different when it's your own mom, but from what I see of this family, these kids wouldn't bat an eye if they knew their mom was a stripper. I think it depends on how you raise them from the beginning. Most kids can understand the concept of not telling all the family business to just anyone.

    Francesca, you might be surprised what you daughter knows. Kids are amazingly perceptive and usually know WAY more about what their parents do than their parents would ever suspect. She may have known for some time that you are a stripper. Since you and your man are more open with her, she of course has learned that sexuality is not a bad thing, and probably has no problem with the idea of her mom as stripper. You might try feeling her out to see what she tells you. She may just pretend not to know because she knows you don't want her to.....ALOT of kids do that!

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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