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Thread: help-What would you do if-

  1. #1
    Senior Member Neptune's Avatar
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    Default help-What would you do if-

    If you and your BF were living together in HIS apartment and he told you to get out and don't come back-

    What would you DO if you haven't danced for a while and don't have a DIME to move anywhere?

    If you were to move back to your Mom and Dad but they told you that you have to get a regular job and won't be allowed to dance, would you move back in there with them under those conditions??
    Knowing that it could be even 'more' years before you begin to save enough to get out on your own since you had to take a job for minimum wage just to move back in, + taking some 'rent' money out of your weekly paycheck, and dealing with time curfews and other rules. (at 31 years old!)

    If you didn't have a friend with some space for your stuff to help you out, what do you do if you can't move home because you'll end up working in a CVS or something?

    I'm freaking the fuck out!! My BF was threatening me at 8:30 AM to kill me, he was throwing things at me to try to hurt me, he took a flashlight that he almost threw at me and bashed the wall in with it chanting words of death to me! He was kicking me today, and I had to defend myself-then he went out the door to work and called me 5 minutes later to threaten me to call 911 because he is coming back home through the door to kill me. Thank God he didn't do anything upon his return, but I don't know what's to happen later on.

    I don't want alarm the police because despite his antics, which has happened before, he's helped me out in life.

  2. #2
    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune,

    Get the hell out of there now. Anywhere you go is better than ending up dead or crippled if he is that violent.

    You do not owe him your life and that could be the end result if you stay there. I don't mean to be blunt but no one deserves to be abused and from what you are saying he is abusive to you.

    If you have to live with your parents a while and then arrange to stay with a freind and you can go back to dancing then perhaps. But please do not stay in an abusive situation if you have a way to get out before something worse happens.

    PLEASE take care of yourself,

    Xmarx52
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Oh Neptune hun that is physical abuse, and you do have to leave. If he says he is sorry and calms down for awhile it's what the police call the "honeymoon" phase. This phase is what makes us forgive, and think he is changing. It will not last. Without counseling you put your self at a high risk of geting hurt...bad.

    Yes, i would move back home with my parents, if i had no other place to go. I don't think you want to go to a womans shelter, but you can.

    31 years old and needing support is perfectly fine. Under these conditions, don't second guess leaving.

    You can find a very nice busy upscale restaraunt, they make great tips!!!!! Alot of waitresses make more than dancers!

    This change of life style is not going to last forever. And you need to look out for your safety.

    Go to your parents where you are safe, get a job serving food or cocktail waitress if you like!

    Biuld up your bank account, and meet a great guy! Meet LOTS of people! have fun.

    I would not lie to my parents while living there however, and dance. Respect them, and they will always be there for you. Under their roof i know you can live by that 1 rule.

    Good luck hun,
    Drop that abuser

    Pamela

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    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Hi Neptune,

    Just checking back on you and hoping you listen to the great advice that Pamela just gave you.

    Guys like that can make a woman feel that she somehow deserves what she gets or some crap like that and it is not true. You are a human being, you have worth and you do NOT deserve to be treated that way by anyone. Let us know how you are doing, ok?

    X
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

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    Veteran Member NYCjacqueline's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Pamela is very right -
    anything - even min wage and living with your parents - is better than living under the same roof with an abusive partner/spouse - to live in constant fear and even danger!

    She's also right about waitressing - you'd be very surprised at how well one can do waitressing - and the hours in some places are flexible, as well - or maybe bartending/cocktail waitressing, depending on where you live and the types of places around.

    Please take care of yourself - your health and mental well being comes first - keep us updated!

    Jax
    "You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything." -Claudette Colbert

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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    GET OUT OF THERE. Your parents sounds like your best option. You can work a straight job until you save a little for your own place.
    My advice to others reading this board is to always keep some liquid financial resources. Don't ever let it become a choice between an abusive relationship and being homeless on the streets.

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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Get out now.
    Living with your parents may not be so bad, you will be living with the people who love you more than anyone else, not some one who wants to hurt you.

    Pamela is right on about waitressing, its really great $$ My grandmother has been waitressing all her life, abd she is in her mid 60's and she is still doing it and makes great $$. She sure isnt one of those retirees who is struggling on a fixed income and barely gets by, she lives 5 minutes from the beach! Now thats expensive! and she makes it just fine. You can do it.

    At 31 your life is no where near over! So dont think about your age in any of this. Most important is your safety.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Neptune's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Thanks so much for the immediate responses...

    It's just that he has supported me literally- taking care of everything. Now he's having a financial breakdown and blaming me because there hasn't been a second income. He would have moved out a long time ago
    if I weren't around.

    He's helped me be able to take the time to get into shape and it shouldn't have had to take that long. I was far from perfect with nutrition and exercise during most of the time I was unemployed last year.

    He borrowed lots of money to be able to pay the rent JUST so I wouldn't have to go back w/ parents back in Janruary. Now it's September and I still didn't get a job. I haven't worked since May02!

    i took off work because i got out of shape. It's taken me WAY too long to get into shape. (my fault)
    I reached 120lbs three weeks ago, my BF had a vacation and we spent a lot of time binging out and I gained back 10 pounds. He knew I would have to work out again after these binges before I could audition, and now that he's off his vacation, he's kvetching at me again about funds.

    I guess I should have not had fun and ordered out with him during those weeks. He basically blames himself and even says so for making the mistake of being suckered in by me. Essentially, he would have not considered helping me in the first place if he knew he thought he would be without my financial participation for a long duration. In essence, I have ruined him financially beacuse he's went to bat for me. He's made that very clear.

    FWIW I'll have to wait and see what happens tonight when he comes home, if he comes home.

    Curious, am I wrong for what I have caused?

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    God/dess velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    can you audition at a maybe a neighborhood club like tonight? pack your car work tonight and get a cheap hotel room. take it from there. sounds like this guy is making you feel it is your fault. leave.. this is mental abuse that could esculate to violence. worse comes to worse go to a battered womens shelter if you dont want to go home
    As quoted by Luckyone:
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    Featured Member cash's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    i think your man is just frustrated of having to take care of you and everything else with no help .....(i'm not saying he's right for threatening you or abusing you )....you say the reason you dont work is because are out of shape ...120/130 lbs seem to be ok to me i mean what exactly do you mean by out of shape??(then again i don't know how tall are you) i think you should go with the other ladies bout getting a job as a waitress if you are not ready to show off your body.....i think your man just feels its unfair to him........c'mon look at it from his point of view and tell me if you think i make any sense......good luck
    us: us: us: devil in disguise....

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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW! Whatever you felt about him before is no longer the case. Take his threats seriously. If the police cannot refer you to a womens shelter then contact the local churches.
    Unless you cosigned the rental aggreement or were pitching in with the rent you have no rights to the place.
    If you have no close friends willing to take you in then yes, you will have to return to your parents. It's tough, but if you cannot provide for yourself then you are at the mercy of your supporters. You should have thought about that before you moved in with your ex-boyfriend (at least I hope he's an ex now).

  12. #12
    Pamela
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune i want to say something else. YOU have caused nothing. This man made a lifestyle choice with YOU. he could have changed HIS life at any time. DO NOT, please let him say "i did this for you" or "you caused this to happen." This is another form of abuse. He will put your self esteem at an all time low. When he is done he will leave anyway.

    Abuse stops with the person recieving it! Always. It never starts with a victim. (sounds strange) But it takes a victim to recieve abuse. You have the power to stop this cycle.

    PLease re-think the situation, and don't ever let someone "blame" you for the way they live their lives.

    Pamela
    - 15k - Sep 23, 2003

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune,

    Has he supported you? Or has he only made you financially and emotionally dependent on him so that he could control you?

    If he's an abuser, it's the second. You need to leave - you can go to your parents, you can go to a womens shelter, or you can just drive out of your town and stay in your car at a truckstop. Then in the morning have a shower and breakfast at the truckstop and figure out what you want to do.

    There's no reason you can't dance being out of shape (I do), or like Pamela said, waitresses make good money.

    Lena



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    Member Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune, sweetie, PLEASE stop blaming yourself for his behavior. The hardest part of being in an abusive relationship is comprehending the fact that it's not your fault... as a matter in fact, it really has nothing to do woth you as a person. No matter who an abuser is in a realtionship with, they are still going to be abusive. It's a disease that is a lot like alcoholism... the only way it can be stopped is by the abuser admitting the disease and getting help. You cannot stop it. He cannot stop it by himself, no matter what he says... All I can suggest is that you get out of there!!! You are a strong, beautiful woman. You were independent before you and he were together, and even though you may feel like you have given up every bit of who you are to please him, YOU are still in there! Be strong, hon... and even when you are scared, remember... you can never really BE YOU as long as you are with him.
    Strength in the Goddess,
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Thanks so much for the immediate responses...

    It's just that he has supported me literally- taking care of everything. Now he's having a financial breakdown and blaming me because there hasn't been a second income. He would have moved out a long time ago
    if I weren't around.


    FWIW I'll have to wait and see what happens tonight when he comes home, if he comes home.

    Curious, am I wrong for what I have caused?
    Abusers often seek total financial control and then use that against their partner- it part of a cycle of abuse. You need to get out before he returns. Don't be a statistic hon- go home to the safety of your parents house now. The most important thing is to get safe, then you can worry about everything elses.

    A mkan who loves you will not throwthingsd at you and threaten you like that. I know it is hard to read that, but it is not love. And you deserve better. Please leave that house now.

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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune:
    There's been some really excellent advice given so far here. My two cents worth:

    1) You are not to blame for any of this. Period.

    2) From what you've described, it sounds to me like the sooner you're out of this situation, the safer and happier you're going to be. Don't delay. Seek help from your friends. Move back in with your folks for a little while if you have to.

    3) Get away from this guy as soon as possible. Don't be fooled by sweet talk or bullsh#t explanations. He sounds like one of those "manipulator" types that keeps you broke, unemployed, friendless - and under control by virtue of your dependence on him.

    Guys like this give the rest of us male sort of persons a bad name

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    Veteran Member Mercury_Deep's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune-
    I agree with every person that says get out now. I have been there, done that. I got away fast. You should too. Involve every person you can; police, family, friends, neighbors, teachers, strangers ...anybody. You shouldn't feel too ashamed to tell people because you're not the monster. If you have marks on your body or physical proof to support your story, think about filing a police report and getting a TRO. Start a paper trail if you can (e-mails, voicemails, letters, etc.), it just may save your life... HTH!
    Eyeliner and charisma go a long way!

  18. #18
    Featured Member Destiny's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Neptune:

    Just got home tonight and read your post. I hope you get a chance to read this. You asked "What would you do if". Well, I was in the exact same situation as you, so I can honestly answer you. The only difference with me is it was my husband, not boyfriend and we have a child. He wanted me to stay home, be mom, be wife, that sort of stuff, and I was happy to do it. He had a good paying job and was able to provide for us all. Then he lost his good paying job (drugs) and things started down hill from there.

    Like the other girls said, you must leave NOW. It will only get worse and trust me, the emergency room is not a fun place to visit.

    I know at 31 you hate the thought of moving in with your parents. I've been there, done that too at a similar age. No, it's not easy. My parents never gave me a curfew or stuff like that, but they did always ask me where I was going, what I was doing and stuff. It will drive you crazy I know, but if there is no alternative, just bite your tongue and endure. I did it, you can too. If your parents won't let you dance, then take the other girl's advice and get a waitress job or something like that. Hell, get two jobs, you'll be able to save your money faster and there will be less time spent at mom and dad's for them to get on your nerves. That's what I did.

    Lastly I know that feeling of guilt you've described. He supported you for that time and now you feel like you owe him something. Whether you two actually talked about it or not, it was a decision between the two of you. You owe him nothing! You said you are living in "HIS" apartment. If he wasn't happy with the situation, he should have said something.

    I know how dark the future looks right now. But take it from someone who has been there. Things will get better! It won't be too long before you will have some money saved. Then you can get a place of your own that no one can kick you out of! I did it, you can too!
    Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it. ~Christopher Morley, Kitty Foyle

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    Senior Member Neptune's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Thank you!!

    First of all, Are there any girls here that would allow 'yourself' to become insolvent and so irresponsible to the point that you don't work, get fat and rely on the BF you live with?

    My posts are ususally a good example what exactly what not to do!

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    Senior Member Neptune's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    He's offered to move out and pay the rent/bills for me until I've 'finally' gotten it together and then when earning an income, I'd pick up the rent to live there independently.

    I'm not sure if I would call him controlling...he has always tried to push me to get a job because finances are tight but I just wasn't mentally or physically prepared and did nothing to help the conditions.

    Are there any girls here that would have taken this route and put the responsibility on a man to 'take care' of you for a certain length of time?

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    Senior Member DenverD's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Are there any girls here that would have taken this route and put the responsibility on a man to 'take care' of you for a certain length of time?
    I did, from six months pregnant to delivery and a month after that, but he was my husband, and things happen!

    You may be suprised at how idependent you really are, once you try it on for size, you may even like it

    And, idependance does not have to be forfeited by living with family, you may not be able to dance, but there are other opportunities that may open to you. I had to move back with my parents when I was twenty, and they wanted me not to dance, so I didn't. I got into dog grooming, being a bather at first, then going to school. Obtaining a trade from a trade school or getting a degree from college can be the biggest liberator of all.

    Rebuilding your life takes time. It won't happen over night, but it is worth it
    **Live Long And Prosper**

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    Senior Member destiny36's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS SHORT AND SWEET.IF YOU ARE 31 YOU CAN STILL DANCE.BUT GET OUT OF YOUR SO CALLED BOYFRIENDS HOUSE. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MEN LIKE THAT. I AGREE WITH ALL THE OTHER GIRLS TO.I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK IN WHAT EVER CHOICE YOU MAKE.
    WORK LIKE YOU DONT NEED MONEY
    LOVE LIKE YOU NEVER BEEN HURT
    DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING

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    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    He's offered to move out and pay the rent/bills for me until I've 'finally' gotten it together and then when earning an income, I'd pick up the rent to live there independently.

    I'm not sure if I would call him controlling...he has always tried to push me to get a job because finances are tight but I just wasn't mentally or physically prepared and did nothing to help the conditions.

    Are there any girls here that would have taken this route and put the responsibility on a man to 'take care' of you for a certain length of time?

    Neptune,

    There are two different issues going on here. First off, NOBODY has the right to abuse anyone else. NOTHING you do gives anyone that right.

    But from the sounds of what you say you may be guilty of not taking care of your financial responsibliities. If you had an agreement that you would get out and help with the finances then yes you should have done what you said you would do. Any relationship requires a commitment from both parties and maybe you do need to think about that in future relationships.

    BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE GETS TO ABUSE YOU. You may not be perfect but none of us are.

    I think if you stay in an apartment he is paying for you are asking for trouble. It will lead to more entaglements between you two and only more trouble. Imagine if you bring home a guy you meet and there he is waiting at the door of the apartment he is paying for? Don't ask for more trouble, get it over with now.

    Move in with your parents and get a different job for a few months and save save save, and then turn your life around, you can do it.
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

  24. #24
    Pamela
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-

    Yes Neptune, i may have depended on a man if a guy came along one day when i was very young and said he would take care of me. But that did not happen, because i seemed to independant for men even at 21 when i first started dancing.

    There are alot of women who drop out of college for a home life. There is nothing wrong with you.

    I don't understand why he would move out and pay bills on the home/Apt. for you. That is rare. I read your first post again, he hurts you Neptune, this is not love. He said he was going to kill you. And this has all happened before. He hit his honeymoon phase again. He needs therapy, and he does control you...Because he hurts you physically, thats control over you.

    I wish you would have a change of heart, and leave him. Before he hits you again.

    Look at the people who love you, this would tear them apart. Then look at yourself, you are being tore apart. Abuse is illegal! He needs jail time, then counseling. After all that is done, maybe speak with him, and tell him what you wil NO longer to tolerate.

    Stay safe,
    Pamela

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    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    Default Re: help-What would you do if-


    I don't understand why he would move out and pay bills on the home/Apt. for you.
    Pamela

    Easy answer, it is a way to not give up control and look like the hero while at the same time staying in Neptunes life. And if I am guessing right if she really took him up on this offer and then refused him entry to "her" apartment even one time he will be breaking the door down to get to her. A very bad idea if you ask me.

    Grab the bandaid and rip it off all at once, it only hurts more to pull it off slowly.
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

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