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Thread: Detachment

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Naomi_Tx's Avatar
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    Our mentality towards life and love is formed by every joyous or agonizing episode that we somehow managed to survive. It's commonly referred to as maturing; the art of learning from past mistakes. Nobody wants to allow themselves to be hurt if it can be avoided. My question is; have you ever been hurt as a result of your own emotional protection?

    When it comes to falling in love, my mentality is, you either sink or swim. I choose to swim...away. I can't work with a broken heart, and since I must work to survive, I assume this is my sort of survival mechanism. If a guy gets too close than I push him away, and continue pushing till he no longer enjoys my company and gives up. Practice makes perfect, I must be some sort of expert now because distancing myself has become so natural. I don't even consciously consider why it is that I don't want him and I to become involved.

    I met this guy a few months ago through some mutual friends, I liked him but wouldn't agree to go out with him. Finally I gave in; but the whole time I kept it under the condition that we remain nothing more than friends because I'm not looking for a relationship. He was both patient and persistent; but in the end my cold bitchiness caused exactly what was intended, he lost interest.

    This time its different, I really had feelings for him. What the hell is wrong with me?

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    Newbie jUst_A_FaN's Avatar
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    Default Re: Detachment

    are u afraid of commitment?

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    Featured Member sadbuttrue's Avatar
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    Default Re: Detachment

    I echo Just_a_fan's question.

    But a lot of others come to mind. Having spent so much time with one dancer in particular. And watched six relationships go down in flames and I could predict the end of each one, even our "own" before it started.

    Please don't take offense at these questions. These don't require an answer, of course.

    You practice detachment for a living. Some seem to be able to do that without any consequence in their actual lives. How much, if any, does it have on you?

    What do you fear most about closeness?

    What requirements do you expect your S.O.'s will have on you?

    What expectations do you have of them?

    What previous experiences effect the outcome of any possible new relationships?

    What do you envision as a perfect relationship?

    What kind of closeness, if any, do you currently allow?

    What effect does your occupation have on your relationships? One ATF said she did not envision any permanent relationship as possible until she was done with the business.

    Just a few thoughts.

    -Sad-


    Blonde jokes are two lines long so that men can understand them.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Hi Naomi,

    Yes and no. Everyone's journey is so different. My scars are different from your scars, so I can't tell you what will work for you. But this is what I beleive.

    I think that when/if we are whole, we will be whole with or without a relationship, and if a relationship doesn't work out, there won't be some gaping emptiness inside us, because we will be whole all on our own. It's not about committing to someone else, it's about committing to yourself. For me I had to commit to stay in one place and be the person I wanted to be every day (harder than you might think). But once I had my self and my lifetyle, I was free to accept or reject people that came into my life, knowing that I had my self and my life with them or without them. Know what I mean?

    So, this is what I think. Look at yourself. Are you mostly who you want to be? Are you ready for a relationship? If you are, call him. Tell him everything you posted here. If he doesn't understand it, then scratch him off your list and move on.

    :-)

    Lena



  5. #5
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Detachment

    There is nothing wrong with you. What you sound like you may have is commitment phobia. Alot of people have this, for their own protection from others, so their feelings wont get hurt. It's common, and a cycle that can be broken.

    If you have ben doing this along time, it may be harder to break, or take longer. Sometimes therapy is the best bet, because even you may not know if there is a deeper feeling making you do this that has not surfaced.

    I have friends who are the same way. They don't want a broken heart. Who does ?

    Fight it, you will win! Educate yourself about this. And if you feel the need talk with a therapist.

    Good luck,
    Pamela

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    Default Re: Detachment

    Naomi:
    I think trying to protect yourselve from heartbreak is impossible. If you open yourself and your life to someone, its a risk you take. There is no guarantee when it comes to love.
    I understand what you mean about not being able to work with a broken heart. I have on a couple rare occasions, actually been in love, and I know I couldnt function for a day or two after a blowout or break up, much less work. It does just seem easier to take care of yourself, and not possibly let anyone "get in the way" of that doesnt it? (gawd do I know how that feels)

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    Default Re: Detachment

    I feel for you I really do.

    In some aspects its easier been alone, less stress, more independence, can do what ever you want to do. In my situtation though. Almost all my friends are married so they do couple things and when the invite me a party so whatever I'm always the odd one out.

    I tend to crash and burn in realtionships. I am overprotective of all the women in my life, mother, sister, g'f if I had one, which right now I don't. I tend to smother them to much and then I back away and they think I am ignoring them. I can't gigure ya girls out. but I love ya all to.

    Maybe part of the problem is I crave female attention, maybe that why I miss going to strip clubs so much.

    Good luck girl. I hope things work out for the best what ever they may be.

    Not to be to selfish and bring this back to me. I don't see myself being in a serious realtionship again. Since I got sick and had to stop working I don't think I have much to offer.

    Hang in there, I have faith that you'll find your way.

    On another note, I can imagine that in your business it would be very hard to be in a serious relationship. Dancing for other guys and and such when the one ya love is at home or work or wherever and there is the whole jealousy thing. Many of us guys just get to jealous to quick when we see our girl with someone else. I never dated a dancer so I can't say from experience or anything, but I would think that it would have to have a very solid relationshp. The trust issue for some is hard, cause we all have been burn't so many times.

    Ya just gotta trust them, that what I have always said and if ya dont trsut them then do really wanna keep dating them, get married to him/her and spend the rest of your life with them.

    Well I been babbling again.

    Good Luck on figuring things out.

  8. #8
    Veteran Member Naomi_Tx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Detachment

    Thanks for the insight guys, sometimes a little self-analysis isn't much fun all by yourself; know what I mean?

    If being a dancer has caused some effect on my relationship style I wouldn't be able to recognize it. I've been dancing since I was 18yrs old, so it's all I know. I do wonder though, if the whole SC lifestyle adds to a dancers detachment. I keep forgetting that everybody's different, even given similar circumstances. A friend of mine has been in the same abusive and unhappy relationship with a freeloader for four years, and she's danced just as long as I have. Sounds crazy but sometimes I actually admire that kind of endurance.

  9. #9
    Featured Member Destiny's Avatar
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    I've had the exact same feelings. I'll offer up my own observations, you can decide if any apply to your situation.

    I think most dancers struggle with feelings of insecurity and low self worth. Of course, this is exactly opposite of what most people think. People assume that someone willing to get up on stage in front of a room full of strangers in nothing but a g-string must be totally self-confident. While that may be true of some girls, I've found that in a lot cases the opposite is true.

    These insecurities, in addition to the money of course, is why a lot of girls become dancers. They seek the attention, the compliments, the money, etc. to help improve their self-esteem. "I must be pretty/sexy/fun etc., men give me money to spend time with them" Of course this works in reverse on bad days. When I have a crappy day, I get all bummed out and down on myself, thinking, "if I were prettier, sexier, more personable etc. I would have made better money". When the truth is, some days you just won't make anything, no matter how hard you try.

    I think is why most dancers (including myself) find commitment so hard. Deep down inside we think, "if he/she/they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me". So we forsake true friendships and/or love for casual acquaintances. I totally agree with Lena, the key is to feel good about yourself first. When you like yourself, you will be better able to let someone get close. I'm working on that myself right now.

    Well, that's my free pyscho-babble for the day, and perhaps its worth exactly what you paid for it.

    I wish you happiness.
    Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it. ~Christopher Morley, Kitty Foyle

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    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    Hello to my fellow pugnacious friend,

    I think Destiny is right on track when she says that your job may add to your habit of avoiding attachment. How many times have dancers here talked about you have to be able to take critical comments and just blow them off? And what better way to do that than to decide you don't give a darn what anyone else thinks? After a while it would be natural to have some of that bleed over to your personal life.

    If I don't let you in my life you cannot reject me. We all think that and do it in some respect and while it sometimes protects us it can hurt us too.

    Something I think you can understand. Many years ago, my dog had died and then my cat died too. I was so hurt that I decided not to get anymore pets for a while. Ten years I went with no pets and then I got my little Pug. Now I have a housefull again and I don't know how I ever lived without them in my life.

    Don't wait ten years to let someone special in your life, take the risk, the prize is worth it even if sometimes you get only the booby prize instead.

    I am always around to listen.
    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

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    Default Re: Detachment

    On fear of commitment- this is something I have never felt or understood. I have always been way on the other end ,over committed to things and people.

    But anyway I thought I'd add a saying that may help someone here to remember when things get scary commitment wise.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


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    Veteran Member xmarx52's Avatar
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    On fear of commitment- this is something I have never felt or understood. I have always been way on the other end ,over committed to things and people.


    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
    That is pretty much me and yes it has caused me some considerable heartbreak over the years but I would not have it any other way. Still at times I feel like the old Steven Still song....

    "Still my heart is an open secret, someone tell me have I been gifted or robbed?"


    Anyone with a memory should be very humble.

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    Default Re: Detachment

    Emotions are an evolved feature of species. If an animal has no emotions and our own needs are predominant, then like scorpions in the desert the stronger would feed on the weaker irreguardless of the relationship to each other. Not the best survival stategy.
    If this guy is pushing himself on you then the chances are he's trying to create something that's not there in the first place. Naturally you feel uncomfortable. There's nothing saying what you should or shouldn't be attracted to . People all have their individual preferences. The best relationships come to people who naturally are attracted to each other, not forced together. Now, I never hustle people. Partly because I have a steady but I don't intend to keep other acquaintances that require effort to maintain. I don't push for phone numbers or dances on the floor. I just go out and enjoy myself. If others want to participate with me that's fine. If they leave and go somewhere else that's also fine. A rule of my relationship is that I make it easy for the person to leave if that is what they desire. I can't see the point of continuing a relationship that wasn't meant to exist.
    Maybe you're just fussy, but that's just you. Believe me ,once you find what you're interested in , you'll pursue it.

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    Default Re: Detachment

    Well Naomi,

    This detachment you have is not your fault!

    It's a product of childhood trauma that affected the way your brain developed. So you don't process interpersonal relationships like people without past trauma do. It's really just sort of a wiring problem, but it can be fixed. You just need to see a therapist, and get down to the issues that caused the problem, and work with him to sort it out.

    The reason I believe your feeling guilty/regretful about this last relationship is the guy you were dating was a decent guy, and you knew it. You knew that deep inside while you were pushing him away that it was wrong. The problem your having stems from you not knowing why you pushed him away, or how to have stopped yourself from doing so.

    What this entire incedent means is that you have grown more internally as a person.

    Hopefully, you'll be seeing a Therapist soon, so you can have more internal personal growth, and that maybe the next time you have a rewarding intimate relationship with somebody. You won't push them away.

    I hope this posting helps.

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