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Thread: Marry a customer?

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    Default Marry a customer?

    I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years with a white collar proffesional man. We are planning a wedding for New Years Eve 2002. I am not a stripper but my fiance frequents strip clubs when he is away on business. The strip club he has attended; I went to and I found offensive. Should I be concerned? I guess I'm like any other woman, she hopes that she is enough and he doesn't need anything else.

  2. #2
    Featured Member Devastating Divyne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    What he needs is a fantasy. Nothing personally offensive to you, and in saying that does not mean you are deficient in any way. But its a fantasy game. That doesn't mean he cares about you any less or more because he visits strips clubs. U mention that he does it when he's away from home on business. As long as it does not take away from your relationship or cause a substantial problem it should not matter.
    I hope u have a fantasy too, evrybody needs one. Your reading a romance novel ( if u do) is a fantasy game, the club thing is a visual fantasy game. But u are the one he is going to marry, so obviously you are enough for him. However, try to visit another "nicer" club with him so that your perspective of these clubs is not that of a sleazy club b/c there are all different types of clubs.
    I personally love to see couples in the club together b/c the #1 comment from the women is " I had no idea that this was all they did in a strip club. It's just like a big party." They have all these preconceived notions and once they come in they see how it really is. They then understand its just a fun bar with overpriced drinks like most, and uh, oh yeah, there are naked ( or scantily clad) chicks walking around.
    "Come what may although I often say realities come from dreams, but approach all lies with open eyes because NOthing in this world is EVER ALL it seems."

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Personally i would not want my man going to a strip club to recieve lap dances or any contact peroid. Probably not even going to just look at other naked women. I am a dancer, and when i get into a relationship i am serious about with a man i will quite dancing. I have seen and heard alot come out of dancers mouths. (not all, please don't get me wrong.) I love my job, i am single, and i make great money. But...yes i would give it all up for love. My choice.
    I believe in keeping a relationship 1 on 1. If my husband goes out of town call me, we'll do hot phone sex! When he comes home, i will strip for him. Lots can be done to keep partners sexually turned on by each other.
    That is just my opinion. Guess i want to be his number 1 always! And strip clubs would be out of the question in our marriage. Too many other sexy ways to keep just 'us' busy!
    All im saying is i would want to be his private dancer, not any other woman. That is why i know i would never settle down with a man i met at the club. He may want to keep going. ( some guys are addicted to clubs,) and i want to be his fantasy/reality woman.
    Don't worry...lots of guys go, and it's harmless fun. I just wanted to state my opinion about how i would not like my man going to see other naked women. And i know alot of guys who say strip clubs are a rip...Hummm...Yes they are my friends. They have their opinions too.
    Pamela

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I agree with both of you. I don't see anything wrong with women dancing naked. What I don't like is the lap dancing, I feel if my fiance needs to be aroused it should be from. . He told me he wont go again because I became upset with the so call gentleman club in Las Vegas, soon to be competing with a brand new club. Is there anything to worry about? Should I continue to tell him Im uncomfortable or say, GO for it. If I say go got, What includes Go for it? Thank you for your advice.

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    Member Q's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Suzy,
    As a married man who goes to the clubs once in a while (every 3-6 months or so) on the surface I would say that you have nothing to worry about in general as it is actually pretty hard to establish a relationship with the dancers as by and large it is just entertainment but there are also other types of clubs as I am sure you have read here where things can go too far.

    Having been married for over a decade and having already watched a very high percentage of my friend's marriages split and end badly I would say that you need to ask yourself why it bothers you and what it is about his personality that is giving you second thoughts?
    If you feel insecure now it will only get worse as time goes on. Insecurity and doubt have a way of festering and growing and eventually they take on a life of their own and you can forget why you loved this person in the first place and that doubt can lead to a whole slew of feelings and even worse to reactions to them.

    If you can go with him to the clubs and indulge yourselves and you are able to participate in that fantasy game with him and you are strong enough for that it will be a lot of fun.
    That is one thing but if you go and it does not work out it will be something that you will cling to in the back of your mind and he will resent you for holding it against him. Establish a way out of the trip if you start to feel uncomfortable even if it is during the first moment that you walk in and establish the ability to leave immediately with him prior to going before you go so that it is understood that if you are not happy and you are not comfortable that the trip ends right there.

    Marriage is about respect, space and surprisingly personal space, is it the naked women that bother you or is it the time apart that bothers you or is it both?
    The fact that you suspect that he may have some form of relationship with another will haunt you unless you feel that you really know him and feel confident in your relationship.

    I believe that Pamela knows herself quite well as she knows that she does not want it to happen before it ever starts, take some time and make sure of your own feelings first.
    Q

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I have never, ever known of a married customer that left his wife for a dancer, if that makes you feel any better.
    And let's face it, the guys that are customers by and large don't walk into a club, look around and say, "Hey, look at all of these potential long-term mates!" I really do think it's a harmless form of male recreation.
    Those are my thoughts, but I don't know you or anything about your relationship, so it's up to you to know yourself well enough to decide your ultimate feelings on the issue. Good luck.

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    The only customers I have EVER known wholeft spouses for dancers were ones that were ALREADY going through the legal procedures for a divorce. I cannot say I have ever known any who threw away marriages for a stripper, or over a lap dance. However, I have known a few wives who threw away otherwise fantastic husbands over the issue of strip joints.

    Having been both a stripper and a wife in my time, the best advice I can give you is to either learn to trust and have faith, or don't get married until you can. Lack of those two elements will destroy any relationship - I know from experience. On your fiance's side of things, perhaps he would be willing to meet you halfway by refusing to buy lap dances when and if he frequents a club? I have known many professional businessmen who frequented strip joints while travelling, and spent a comfortable amount of money without indulging in lap dances. That would be an indication of his care, concern, and understanding of your worries.

    I know that if my current love interest were to frequent astrip joint as a customer, I would not have issue with it, so long as the household budget were maintained. This is because I trust him- I know he is aware of the normal standard of strip joint behavior, that he cares for me, and that I am the one to whom he will come home. There is a certain peace that comes with that kind of faith in the person you love.

    McCain

  8. #8
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Hi all,

    I does not sound like Suzy1212s is asking about her man running off with a dancer, but more of a concern about what he may be doing while at a strip club. As she mentions not liking him recieving lap dances. That is very understandable. Alot of women don't like their men touched by another woman, especially in a sexual way. As don't alot of men.

    This can be a touchy subject, and i would just take some time and think about the situation, since we don't know your life.
    What ever you and your husband chose, i hope the both of you become comfortable with the decision. I can't tell you to be open minded or a closed book. Just be yourself and be happy.
    I only wanted to let you as well as others who read my responce that i want to be the one to arouse and excite my husband with that level of activity. Listen to your heart, talk with your husband. And trust!

  9. #9
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Hi. I would say offhand that there is nothing to worry about. But I can't deny, nor can anyone else here, that sometimes private dancing is nto as innocent as a SO (or for that matter the local police) would like. Most men go to strip clubs casually, not as a hooker substitute. But if he is going casually it shouldn't be a big deal to stop. (Unless it is business related. Sometimes salesmen and whatnot.... You know). Ultimately, though, unless he is frequently some pretty skeevy places it is just a game. It's play. Being jealous or upset by it is like being jealous of his pornography. But I can't tell you what makes you upset. In a nutshell, you have to know what you can live with and not.

    Jenny
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I would never let myself become involved with a man that needs to frequent strip clubs. If I'm not my significant others, "Everything", then what is the point of being involved with him. I know what I can handle and what I can tolerate. Just my opinion.

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Suzy, I think you need to seriously consider how much this bothers you and whether or not strip club attendance is a “deal breaker” for you. If your man has been going to clubs for the 2½ years you have been dating then he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what he is doing. You telling him to stop is only going to cause resentment and might lead to him just going behind your back.

    I personally don’t think he is doing anything wrong. If you’re looking for a potential husband who doesn’t enjoy naked women you’ve got a long search ahead of you. These clubs are just fun and fantasy (and lots of smoke and pricey booze – and pricey boobs). Everybody fantasizes and men seem to need visual stimulation to help them along (their imaginations are not as good as ours). Believe it or not, if he is looking to cheat he’d do better at a local bar than a strip club.

    I know this opinion might make me unpopular here, but…if this is a real hang-up for you (I’m sad to say) you should probably rethink marrying this guy. You can’t expect to change him, you need to accept who he is before you commit the rest of your life to him.

    On the other hand, if this is just a minor annoyance to you, Id say marry him and let him go to the clubs while he is out of town. It’s better to know than not know.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I have got to say that the idea of *dancers* not wanting their men to go to strip clubs amuses me.
    Now, I don't want my s.o. to be in the club when I am working (distracting, tacky), but I wouldn't mind him going to a club at all. I don't expect to be his "everything" in the sense that I don't ever want him to be turned on by another woman, ever - that's totally unrealistic. I'm certainly not giving up ogling certain athletes and movie stars!
    The funny thing is, my guy doesn't care for strip clubs or porn, and here he is with me, who would let him have all that he wanted .
    If you are worried about your mate getting aroused by another person, no matter the circumstances, you're going to have jealousy problems that drive you nuts. McCain put it brilliantly - "There is a certain peace that comes with that kind of faith in the person you love. "

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I say let him go and see what he can see, and know that he will be coming home to you, and support him on his wanting to go to a strip club.
    Dignity is about showing self respect and having quiet self esteem

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I disagree. I think us as dancers are far more in tune with the desires of a man considering married and single men pay us to fullfill there fantasies. So in turn for our men to need to go see other women seems unrealistic.
    It's true that men and women fantasize about other people....I think that's completely normal. That's "Fantasy". An illusion in your mind. No different than reading a romance novel. It's not cheating, it's entertainment. Kind of like watching a porn and getting arroused and having great love making. But, It's completely different to have another women physically touching, talking, and dancing nude right in your lovers face. That to me constitutes a lack of intimacy between me and my partner. Where as what we do as a job is more a kin to acting and proforming. 99.9% of the time during a dance or even a coversation at work, I'm usually thinking about how bad the cologn that he's wearing is and or about my pile of laundry at home. I personally feel that the majority of the men that come into a club have real social and intimacy interaction hangups. They must have a real problem talking to there mate about what they really like. ANd secondly they must be socially inept. In other words they couldn't get the women that they really wanted and so they had to settle.
    "A good man just dosn't stray".

    Candice

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    plenty of good men and even good women have strayed

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I personally feel that the majority of the men that come into a club want to see some tits.

  17. #17
    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Unfortunately if you tell him not to go, and this is something that he enjoys a great deal, he will probably still go to the strip clubs. In one club I work at, there is a very nice guy who comes in and get 3-5 lap dances with several of the dancers once a week. He won't buy dances from girls wearing strong perfume or glitter, and won't accept any free passes from the owner for fear of getting "caught".

    This is why Vegas dancers earn so much more than other dancers around the country, These guys are out of town without the wife or girlfriend, and are willing to spend some recreational income on dancers. They could say they spent $1500 on gambling or whatever and never have to reveal to their mate that it actually spent on VIP dances with some girl named Bambi.

    Maybe if it makes you more comfortable, a don't ask don't tell policy would be better between you two. This way he can feel okay about indulging a fun recreation and you don't have to be bothered by the details, but trust in him to come home to you every night.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


  18. #18
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    My major point here is yes i am a dancer...but i talk to alot of guys and most are married. I see them wanting more, hell they say so. We can call ourselves fantasy..but it is no fantasy while lap dancing or flirting with a guy! That is reality. The guy is meeting you, and coming to see you whenever he can, and in his mind may be forming some sort of personal stimulation with you. Yes, people stray...But why put someone (or let them ) get involved with an atmosphere where it is high that a sexual encounter of some sort may happen? Some girls become dancers to have a sexual outlet. And i am not talking just dancing in the club. I just don't see setting your self up for jealousy issues. Wondering what he really did with a dancer that night...It's not about being insecure, it's about being with one person who loves you, your body, you turn him on. Why would a man want the extra stimulation from other women outside a happy marriage?
    It don't make sense. Its in your face...not fantasy. I would never allow my man to go to a strip club, i see what goes on as well as you all. It's just setting the stage for problems i believe.
    NO way for me.. Pamela
    PS and i agree with Candice, 'good men don't stray', if he does, hes no good in my book as a partner.

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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I was one of those husbands who got thrown out over going to strip clubs. The divorce was final seven years ago. I was accused by my ex of going to clubs to solicit acts of prostitution. How do you prove that it's not true. Well, we've both moved on.

  20. #20
    Senior Member JustaGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Both my husband agree that neither of us would feel comfortable about him going to a strip club with today's standards.

    The atmosphere is so much different since couch dancing came into play. I did them for a little while, and even though he wouldn't have stopped me from doing them he did not like the person I was when I couch danced. Neither did I. It's way to personal for my tastes and surely for his.
    As a dancer (ex) I probably would feel even more offended if my man went into a club for stimulation because he has always been very faithful, very respectful - I never saw him even take a peep at any other dancers. He watched me though and I knew he was only watching me.
    This was not a daily thing, he would come out to see me every so often.
    I can say after 11 years together and 8 years of dancing that yes, I would have a problem with him going to strip clubs.

    My main question here is why the hell haven't you said anything to him in the 2 1/2 years of dating him?
    There seems like there is a major lack of communication there. Trust me, the key to great sex is intimacy. The key to intimacy is communication. I see a lack of communication obviously if you have not mentioned your feelings to him, does he have a problem communicating his feelings to you?

  21. #21
    God/dess Pryce's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Hi Suzy,

    As a man in an 8 year committed relationship, I think I may be able to offer some food for thought. I only go to clubs a few times a year, usually with my girlfriend, but occasionally I go alone (though, she doesn't care much for that).

    Why do men like stripclubs? While it varies from man to man, here are the 2 most common reasons.

    1) THERE ARE NAKED WOMEN! I know...obvious, but we males love seeing naked ladies. We think about it often and in a stripclub, we are not only guaranteed to see a woman naked but several! Just think, for the price of a drink and a cover charge we get to see naked body after naked body. Who knew beauty came in so many flavors? Being in a room full of beautiful naked women is a dream for us...what adolescent boy hasn't dreamed about being Hef.

    2) They make us feel special. While strippers are "entertaining" us, they flirt. They smile at us, they laugh at our jokes, they touch us, etc. It feels good and is fun. In a stripclub the flirting is playful...we know we're paying for it and that makes it more light-hearted. Remember flirting is healthy for ALL humans.

    My personal reasons? It's hard to pin-point, but I've always been around women - raised by women, mostly female friends, etc. Women make me feel relaxed and I love interacting and communicating with them. There is also a little magical something I like to call inspiration. Female sexuality is the ultimate power to me...men come into contact with this power on a daily basis, yet we've never used it. Hell, many of us don't even realize it exists...we just go stupid. To be honest it's probably more a weakness in us than a power in you. I'm sure you've seen a woman enter a room and capture the attention of every man in there, a wave of hanging jaws. Now imagine that same woman stripping herself of her clothes and wielding her sexuality around with all the skill of a Samurai. The second she sets her eyes on you, you feel it pour over you. As she moves close her scent becomes intoxicating, her moves hypnotic. To be seated at the feet of this woman while she uses her femininity is compelling - it's like being seated at the feet of a live goddess. For a single moment it's magical. Then it's gone.

    I know that may sound a little fooie, but for a moment, it can really seem that way. Women can have this experience too. I recommend all search out a goddess and when you find her, just sit back and enjoy the moment.

    When I first talked about this feminine power with my girlfriend she was worried that I may one day become some woman’s slave, but don't worry. Any mature man should know enough about himself to enjoy the moment without getting caught up in it. Don't misunderstand me, this doesn't just happen in stripclubs. Women everywhere have this power.

    Many are raised with the idea that they should be everything to their partner. It is a flawed ideal. It is wrong to expect anyone to be more than who they are. Don't try to be everything to your man. First, it's impossible. Second, if you try to be, you'll be too busy trying to be everything to really enjoy life with him. While I develop bonds and interact with others, my girlfriend is the most important person in my life, she is my companion. I want to share my life with her, no more - no less.

    If your sole problem with your man is his going to stripclubs, I think your time would be better spent worrying about what shoes to wear on the big day. The fact that you know that he goes to stripclubs and he's invited you to come along with him would suggest to me that he's being honest with you. Don't be afraid to talk with him about it. Communication & trust are the two most important things in a relationship. Only he can tell you why he goes. Talk about it and see where you two stand. Then settle on an agreement that works for both of you.
    We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise, or when we fall, or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction. Is it evolution that takes us by the hand, does Science point our way, or is it God who intervenes keeping us safe.

    So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic. And the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
    Heroes

  22. #22
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    I agree with Pryce on reasons for going to a strip club, at least from my standpoint. I'm reasonably well accomplished, with a mostly happy, fulfilling life, but I enjoy the eye candy and the flirting ways of the dancers. I'm not going there for sex or the possibility of finding a sexual partner, and neither are my buddies. We like to see naked girls.

    There's probably some acceptance and insecurity issues that probably go back to childhood that makes the experience that much better for me as well (wonder if I could write it off as therapy ..... naaaahhhhh).

    Marriage is a package deal. It comes with the benefits and the baggage. Don't ever go into a marriage with the idea that, "I will change this about him/her." You might, but that will only lead to resentment and a lessening of the return of love. It's nice when partners can compromise to make each other happy, but that comes from selflessness. You can't expect it. If there's something you just can't get past, don't get married. If you can live with it, taking the entire package into account, keep it going.

    One last thought - well, two, sort of. There's this guy who likes to go to strip clubs. His wife has been known to say: 1) "I know you're not going to a strip club to pick up girls" and 2) "Doesn't bother me. I'm the one who gets the benefit."

    Best of luck, whatever path you take.

  23. #23
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    Geez, i deleted it. ??? I stand corrected here. What i mant when i said i wanted to be my mans everything is that i want to be the one to turns him on, i want to be the one he wants to see naked Ect. I know no one can be someones everything. But sexually? Sure we can see a glimpse of someone walking down the street and feel that tingle, we all see others who are attractive, and can turn that reality into a fantasy. But....A strip club is a place of 'big time dose of reality' That is bothersome for a lot of women. I don't even like the idea that some of my guy friends tell me they get turned on by 'Bambi' and go home and screw their wives. I don't know....it's a woman thing..( for some of us,)lots involved. Some women don't care. thats great. Some women do care. To me it's like letting your husband/ BF go and play with sexuality, and with letting , i simply mean there has to be boundries a commited realionship share, and certain things should be off limits, another women grinding my husbands lap? Tits in face? Thats it. I let it rest,
    I wish all the luck to you Suzy1212s Communication is soooo important, hun.

  24. #24
    Veteran Member kermit210's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    My 2 cents:
    I would rather my boy head to the nudie bar than the local happy hour joint any day of the week (of course, I would be jealous if I didn't get to got to the nudie bar, too! )
    A guy's chances of getting a phone number/flirting/getting laid/etc are much greater in the local happy hour joint than at the strip club. At the strip club, most of us have boyfriends or simply just not interested in these guys. By girl to guy ratio alone, a guy's chances are pretty much trashed. At the happy hour joint, there are single women who are out to meet guys, not simply just doing their job! Just my opinion, but I know what I (and my girlfriends) are thinking when we're at both kinds of clubs.
    Then again, it all goes back to the relationship/trust issue......
    Another alternative - go to the strip club with him. But make sure you go to have a good time, with a good attitude! If you go in there all pissed off, like your boyfriend needs watching over, the dancers will be able to tell, and a miserable time will be had by all....
    I propose a toast - to my self control.... I see you crawling, helpless, on the floor.......
    -Mark Sandman

  25. #25
    Veteran Member hollyday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Marry a customer?

    does he just go with his buddies periodially to have a beer or two and hoot and holler or is he a habitual patron who spends half his paycheck on his "regular girl", if it's the former i don't think you have a whole lot to worry about, if it's the latter i'd be concerned...
    blessed be

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