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Thread: Semi Half Way Off Topic

  1. #1
    Featured Member susan's Avatar
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    Default Semi Half Way Off Topic

    A friend of mine sent me these and I thought I'd share. They're called:

    Roberts Rules of Lesbian Behavior

    (Hint: Scroll down to the one that begins: "Lesbians don't hate men....")

    It is never a good idea to ask someone to marry you BEFORE the first date.

    The average time between lesbian relationships is MINUS three point seven minutes.

    "I love you" is NOT a question.

    The term 'lesbian therapist' is redundant.

    It's a law. After six months, all lesbian couples will walk alike. After one year, all lesbian couples will be wearing at least one matching item. After ten years, all lesbian couples pronouncing the word "hello" into a telephone will sound indistinguishable. After twenty years, all lesbian couples - regrettably - will have the same body.

    Life is a process. Lesbian life is the process of processing the process.

    There's no such thing as lesbian divorce. There is only thermonuclear war. And then best friends.

    "No" is a complete sentence.

    Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.

    If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."

    It is not against any written lesbian law to wear pantyhose. They just seem silly under your softball uniform.

    Put more than two lesbians in a room and it's always a debate.

    You should not consider yourself lesbian-impaired if you do not own a chainsaw.

    In the olden days, it was believed there were only seven lesbians in the whole world, and the rest was done with mirrors. We know now there are MILLIONS of lesbians but only seven lesbian HAIRCUTS.

    The average lesbian date lasts approximately three years.

    Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

    Being politically active and being politically correct are not the same thing.

    There are only two kinds of lesbians. Those who have been to the Michigan Womyn's Festival. And those who shave their body parts.

    Serial monogamy is swell until you get tired of the same old serial every morning.

    The best place to find the role model you're looking for is in the mirror. Sometimes it's the ONLY place.

    It is nearly impossible for a lesbian to have a best friend she has not been previously married to. Or won't soon be married to.

    You will never spell women/wimmin/wymin in a manner that will be acceptable to ALL of them.

    Don't act normal, act normally.

    We are ten million women waiting for someone else to ask us to dance.

    It can't be a sin. We are not even IN the Bible.

    Are there Hetero-sapiens?

    If you are planning any activity at which you don't want to be interrupted, feed the cat first!


  2. #2
    Featured Member Prester_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Susan -

    One of my favorite lines from "Friends" went like this --

    Ross, looking around the apartment of his ex-wife and her girlfriend - "Wow, you sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian"

    Ex-wife's girlfriend - "Yes, they make you take a test. Otherwise they wont let you be one".


  3. #3
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic


    I love it! I'm going to print it out and bring it to the lesbian potluck this month...

    <big lesbian smile>

    Lena



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    Featured Member LEIGH_LANDON's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Some of those were dead on!

    Made me laugh, I too copied it and sent it out to my "friends" Tee Hee!
    LIVE LONG & PROSPER!
    Leigh Landon

    Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person that dislikes you won't believe it.

  5. #5
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    I had a lesbian girlfriend for a while. OK, that's an oxymoron, I should say I distracted a lesbian for a while, LOL.

    We have remained good friends, and since she speaks French fluently (she had an endearing habit of ending arguments by cussing me out in French--it worked every time. Though I am not fluent, there wasn't much doubt as to the meaning of"batard"), I call her from time to time when I want to say something special about a dancer, so as not to make any French customers laugh at the moronic DJ. I can come up with a few nice phrases, but check grammar and pronunciation with the expert, much to the amusement of her and her wife, who gets jealous in a kidding around way.

    Anyone ever been to a Joan Armitrading concert? The woman doesn't do much for me in the looks department, and would get a nice laugh out of my saying so, since she could give a flying f**k what I or any men think of her--but she is sexy as hell! "Eating the Bear" is a HOT song, especially if it means what I think it does.

    Princesses Nubiennes, speaking of French and lesbians, have a beautiful song called "Les Portes du Souvenir", that is every bit as good as the best Enigma. And Femme to Femme is a hot band for stripclub music. But this should really be in the music area.

    Hmmm...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  6. #6
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    I dance to Melissa all the time. Especially "Yes I Am." It's just one of those songs I can really get into...

    Lena



  7. #7
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Put it in the Music section, too. I'm going there now...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  8. #8
    Featured Member Prester_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    I love it! I'm going to print it out and bring it to the lesbian potluck this month...

    <big lesbian smile>

    Lena
    Do you guys have clambakes too? Damn, you have all the fun.....

  9. #9
    Featured Member LEIGH_LANDON's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Clam Bakes, and CAT Shows, trade recipes on the best way to prepare and dress breasts... OF CHICKEN, LOL!

    LIVE LONG & PROSPER!
    Leigh Landon

    Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it and the person that dislikes you won't believe it.

  10. #10
    Featured Member Veronika's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Though I am not fluent, there wasn't much doubt as to the meaning of"batard"
    Now now, she could have just been reffering to the type of bread that boasts that name. It could have been meant endearingly! Or something...

    I am now ruminating on the fact that all of my friends who are fluent in French are also drag queens. All my lesbian friends are fluent in Dworkin (obviously I keep the ecdysiast element quiet in these cases). Pity. Carry on.

    http://www.engrish.com/snacks/source/batard.html
    Currently dancing at the Men's Club of Reno, NV
    under the name of Veronica! I am a 2007 calendar girl for MCR, so message me if you want a calendar!

  11. #11
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    Her tone of voice made it obvious she was neither referring to bread, nor in the mood to harbor any sentiments of kind or endearing nature to me.

    But I found it impossible to remain angry or even hard-hearted in the face of her wrath when expressed in such a fashion. One time I actually started laughing, which did nothing to improve her temperament, if the further torrents of Gallic abuse directed towards me were any indication. Damn, I think I'll call her up and see if she remembers that one, LOL...


    I wonder if Batard bread can be bought in the US of A? I could have some with a bottle of Wanker beer, one of my favorite English drinks. It's actually good beer, if you can stop laughing long enough to drink the stuff.

    Congratulations on coming up with an unfamiliar term for "stripper". Could you possibly grant me the favor of phonetically spelling it, as I intend to use it on the next occasion it seems appropriate, and would hate to be so clumsy as to pronounce it incorrectly.

    Djoser
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  12. #12
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic

    The Psychic Dj was in full effect last night. No sooner had I last posted a reply to this amusing thread, and headed out for some much needed distraction from current affairs, when I ran into my very favorite Sapphic companion, the indomitable Sham, who has proven herself to be as true a friend as any man (or woman, to judge by her never-ending stream of lissome companions would indicate) could ask for, as you will shortly observe...

    One fine balmy tropical night, some months ago, I had the pleasure to run into this high-spirited lady outside a popular nightcub in the strange and twisted town of Daytona Beach. It was her birthday, and her less worthy friends had most ungraciously abandoned her to celebrate in solitary fashion.

    Well, that was a situation to be remedied without hesitation, so I offered to accompany her to an after hours establishment to properly pay tribute to another year of this life acquired. As I live quite close to the party district (and having been wisened by a near brush with the horrors of conviction for DWI), it was necessary to walk a short distance to my means of transport.

    No sooner had we begun this journey, while discussing the astrological significence of her anniversary of arrival on this earth, than we were accosted by a loud and insistent voice, most rudely commenting on the subject of our astrological heritage.

    The man wanted to fight, and he wanted to fight me, right then and there, though I had never laid eyes on his miserable ass, other than a brief eye-to-eye encounter inside the club we had just left.

    I have been around long enough to know when I am being 'sized-up', and that is what this guy had been in the process of doing earlier that night. Since I had never laid eyes on him before, and this kind of exchange is distressingly common in a town which is focused firmly on the superficial and tiresome machinations of male dominance behavior, I paid the look no due, even though he was in the company of an old acquaintance with whom I had had several serious disputes with in the not-so-distant past.

    This time it would not be so easy. I tried the friendly, humorous approach, asking "Well, what are you, then?" (as in what sign). The answer was "I'm the guy that f**ks people up." Great. I tried the not quite so humorous and friendly, we weren't talking to you anyway approach. No go. I even tried the not so friendly with an edge, why don't you mind your own business and leave us alone thing. Uh uh.

    Well, things rapidly degenerated into him attacking me. I still really didn't want to fight the moron, I wasn't in macho mode, and just wanted to go have a birthday drink with Sham. But the guy had a one track mind. At first I was just trying to keep him at a distance, but we were soon in that preliminary grappling stage.

    I was busy avoiding his repeated and imperfectly thrown punches, which might have been more effective if he wasn't trying to hang on to me as well, when out of nowhere, Sham leaped on this unsuspecting a**hole's back, and she was under no such restraint as I had been displaying. Sham is not what you would describe as a 'lipstick' lesbian, and while she is not tall, well, such was the force of her fury that we all three went down, as the guy and I were still firmly connected.

    The poor guy had no idea what he'd gotten himself into. And though he no doubt would still very much have liked to assault yours truly with more successful result, such was his dismay at having this enraged animalistic lady on his ass, he could not restrain himself from shouting out in astonishment.

    "Who is this bitch?!!"

    In spite of the distressing conditions at hand, the correct answer sprung forth without hesitation from my lips. I am, after all, a DJ...

    "This is the bitch who's gonna beat your ass!"


    Sham then delivered three rapid and powerful (to judge by the sound of their impact) hammer blows to his face.

    It had to have hurt, but such was the guy's state of inebriation, that it really just made him desperate, with the strength such drunken condition will display. He pushed her away with some force, and returned his attention to his initial target, me.

    He had to be dealt with; my imperfect judo training was effective enough to enable me to use the inside of my arm to choke him out. The furious assault rapidly turned to jelly.

    After briefly considering introducing his face to the pavement in intimate fashion, I decided to leave things as they were, and stood up, saying "He's done, let's go".

    So we left him lying there and resumed our way on to more rewarding pastimes. The guy did wake up after a bit, nearly ran me over in his van, and turned around, but decided wisely not to take on once again what he was unable to deal with the first time, and drove away into the night.

    Sham, bless her heart, had a great time at the bottle club, and a memorable birthday. On those rare occasions I have the pleasure of seeing her, I always remind her of her glorious and valiant loyalty, which will live on in fame, if I have my way...

    I hope this strange tale didn't bore you, but as we were sitting in her car last night, listening to Bob Marley, I promised her she would be able to read of that fame when she hooks up her computer, and I am a man of my word.

    Djoser

    P.S. Sorry, Susan, that you are seeing your topic so frequently added to by the wrong sex, but with your sense of humor, I doubt you will mind. And Sham, thanks again, for being my friend.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  13. #13
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Semi Half Way Off Topic


    Clambakes? Hmmm... no. But we have sushi. LOL And OUTrageous Bingo, which is actually kind of fun...

    Lena



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