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Thread: Need advice:When female you know starts dancing

  1. #1
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    Default Need advice:When female you know starts dancing

    SORRY I screwed this up the first post.

    Ok this has been killing me for days, I can't talk to family or friends about this because no one knows about this.
    So I checked the Net and this seems about the best discussion board to ask for advice from reading some of the other threads.

    I've known this female for about a year and a half now.
    As we got to know each other, she's told me she used to do some dancing and "private shows" (parties, etc.).
    This was done underage.
    Now I had never met anyone that had done that before
    (or that I knew of LOL) and although she was underage when she did it, I heard out her story. It's the typical one, grows up poor, mother and father not in her life, rest of the family didn't do much to take care of her and a history of being sexually abused. From reading a lot of articles onlie about "dating a stripper" it seems more and more of the red flags are coming up. Understand when we met she was NOT dancing. So I am not a customer at a club who thinks he has met a dancer who wants to date him.

    So me thinking I can "help" this girl or be the "Knight in shining armor" offered my help as a friend. It has been an emotional rollarcoaster ever since. I was there after fights with family where I met her and she cried on my shoulder that we wished she weren't alive. I have helped her financially (I know what a SUCKER). We have gone out numerous times, shopping, to a movie, to eat, there's been times she just grabbed my hand to hold hands when we were out (my girlfriend of 5 years never wanted to do that for pete's sakes). So this sounds alright but then there are the things I read about. The promised calls that never come, the plans made that never happen and then when I call it's as if we never discussed the plans SHE had originally suggested. She's worked a few jobs but nothing bringing in significant income.
    Her solution has always been to think about easy, quick money to get out of her problem and I have been battling this by coming out of my pocket (MY offer not her asking most of the time) to prevent her from turning back to what she did in the past. Understand I am far from rich but I do OK for myself, I have not broken myself doing this, just been there when help was needed. I've tried to be there as a friend and offer her the care she has never gotten from family. She had to grow up way too fast.

    My point? She's going off to school to make something of herself and I am so proud of her for that, she is very
    focused and has her goals. BUT her solution to her immediate money problem right now is a "temporary" return to dancing. Maybe for a month although she has interviews for some "regular" jobs too.

    So here I sit, trying to be a friend but deep down disappointed as hell that this female I care about spends her days nude with guys leering at her, grinding
    on God knows how many men and who knows what else in the private dances. She called me the day before she started asking my advice on what to do but ultimately I cannot control what she does. It was advice on "this club or that club", not should I do it at all?
    Given her background, being abused at an early age and numerous times by guys, I guess a lot of typical signs are there. She assures me, although this is an all nude club, "just some touching, etc". but I am not that naive. The big money is made doing the dirtier stuff. It's easy to say that on the phone, but when someone offers you a lot of cash for something, gonna be hard for her to say no.

    At this point I'm sure there are those saying "RUN you idiot, forget her" but after a year and a half of friendship
    now I just feel hurt, bummed out, jealous of her entertaining dozens of guys with thoughts running through my head of what she does with them and knowing there's plenty offering her more "if you hook up with me after work".

    After all my babbling I guess my question is, should I give up on her and let her go or let this run it's course and be there as her friend? It's very tough getting through the days thinking about this and not having an outlet to let it out. I'm pretty stressed over this and I guess it's my own fault for thinking I could make a difference. Guess I've been played, I dunno.

    Faithless


















  2. #2
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    You like her alot but don't speak too highly of her, which for you and what you have seen/hear is understandable.

    BUT...If you have visions of her going off with guys after work there is not trust in her, and working...Well not knowing what she is doing there?
    Be careful, some people don't want to be "saved".
    Don't risk hurting yoursef for a person who may hurt you so much, use you and drag you down. If you can be a friend, try it. If you already feel she may be doing sexual acts with other guys, for your own sake she chose that path, and you will pay the price.
    Go with your intuition!
    Good luck, Pamela

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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    Pamela, thanks much for the response. Your advice really truly was a help. I do think well of her, she is determined to make something of herself and get out of her situation and I respect and admire and support her in that considering what she's been through. But she is also susceptible to "whatever it takes to get quick cash" in times of need.
    The only one suffering here is me so I've decided to let her be right now, if her friendship is true I will hear from her. If I don't, then I'll know she isn't worth worrying over and chalk it up as a lesson learned. This is her journey and we'll see how it plays out.

    Faithless


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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    Should you give up on her? Looks like you already did. You don't sound like a true friend to me. She would be better off without you.

    Candice

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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    PS

    One more thing. It also looks like your tried to buy her affection and give her quick fixes by giving her money when you thought she needed it. You've been a customer without even noticing it.

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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    Should you give up on her? Looks like you already did. You don't sound like a true friend to me. She would be better off without you.

    Candice
    Not at all Candice. I apologize if I give that impression, I
    cared about this girl when it seems no one else did in her life, from parents, to family and this is just a very confusing time right now. I still care for her and am here for her whenever she needs me for advice, support, etc.
    My friendship is true, I am not a fake. I guess as a friend I need to trust she'll make the right decisions and
    know her limits and most importantly be there for her if she needs me. Time will tell what happens here, I'll just deal with this day by day.

    Faithless

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    God/dess velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    it's hard to be sympathtic to you when you clearly think all dancers have had a bad childhood and turn tricks "for the fast easy money". i question why you would come to a dancer forum when you seem to see us and her as second class citizens. i mean you stated that the "real money" requires the dirty stuff. read somemore of this forum and see that, those things that are dirty are few and far between in most of our clubs here.
    As quoted by Luckyone:
    I asked directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam and she lied to me.

    Methodus saved my life!

  8. #8
    Featured Member susan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    OK.... first, a couple of basics. How old are you? How old is she?

    Next, you need to separate in your mind that her f'd up childhood (leading, in no small part, to a bunch of emotional issues NOW) and the fact that she dances for a living are only tangentially (hey...like that word?) related. Personally, I come from the most white-bread normal family you can imagine. Mom and Dad are married. Dad makes tons of money. I went to great schools and have a college degree. Girl Scouts, summer camps, etc. etc. etc. NEVER sexually abused (although, when I was 17, what I did to a high school football player one afternoon in the loft of a beach house should probably be illegal.)

    (Come to think of it.... parts of it WERE illegal.)

    But anyway..... there are lots of normal, average, not-f'd-up girls who dance. However, for a whole variety of reasons (night work, thought to be "easy" money, sex-related, etc.) the profession DOES attract it's fair share of girls (and, to be fair, guys too) who have some problems.

    Also, get over the fact that she did some private dances when she was underage. I can't TELL you how many girls in this biz got started doing private dances at frat parties and bachelor parties when we were 17 or younger. I didn't, but sometimes I think I'm an exception to the rule. How do you think all those friggin EIGHTEEN year old strippers seem to be so friggin EXPERIENCED!!!!

    Anyway.... whether she dances or not, it sounds like she really, really, REALLY needs a great, understanding boyfriend who can understand that not everything in her life is gonna follow a perfect pattern. She's got a LOT of issues to work out, and either you can be part of the solution or part of the problem. You pick.

    As for going back to dancing temporarily for some easy money.... again.... DUH!!!! When I was in Phoenix, something like HALF of us at Tiffany's were full-time ASU students. At one point, we jokingly called the dressing room "the study hall". I'm not kidding -- one night I went in to dance and ended up NOT dancing but two of us worked on a term paper instead. The club manager was PISSED at first until we reminded him that if we flunked out, he was gonna have to find two new dancers. He then reminded us that as long as Arizona State was in business, he had all the nekkid women he needed.

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    Senior Member Dharmabum's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    Dude, you're not pulling the wool over my eyes; you are not trying to be her friend, you're smitten with this chick. You've been trying to "friend" your way into her pants; well, that approach almost never works. You either aren't being honest with yourself or you aren't being honest with her; the reason you don't want her to dance is because you'll be jealous. What you need to do is act like a man and tell her how you feel, maybe she feels the same, though after 1-1/2 years, if ya ain't knockin' boots already, I doubt you ever will. If she doesn't feel the same you are probably gonna have to scoot, it doesn't sound like you are going to be able to deal with your emotions.

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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    i'm in general agreement here. it seems as what you're basically asking is whether you should remain friends with someone who's chosen to dance. i find it odd that you'd ask such a question on a forum made up of dancers. as others have already said, what does your friendship have to do with what this girl chooses to do for a living? obviously, from your remarks, this profession doesn't sit well with you. ok, it doesn't for a lot of people... but, since when does friendship hinge on one thing that the two of you apparently disagree on? you were certainly able to continue the friendship knowing she had danced before, so why would you even question disolving the friendship because she chose to do it again? seems to me, such thinking has more to do with petty (not to say misplaced) jealousy then anything else. clearly, you disapprove because you don't like the idea of customers seeing her naked, touching her and making unseemly offers for more personal attention from her. you're allowing this jealousy and disapproval to make you question whether or not it would be better for her to be broke and in need of charity (yours in particular?) to make sure that she has a roof over her head and food to eat. surely, a true friend would want her to be able to stand on her own. apparently, she has tried that with "straight" jobs and failed... not so surprising since most straight jobs are terribly unfulfilling personally as well as financially. what kind of friend would actually prefer that she remain miserable and struggling financially to appease their own misguided agenda?

    if you really were this girl's friend, you would actively support her decisions and help her to achieve her goals without ranchor... the mere fact that you question her decision to dance again to the point of wondering whether or not you can continue the friendship is not what a true friend would do. if you really wanted to support her as you've said you want to, you'd be actively helping her locate a suitable place to work, helping her overcome any feelings of self-doubt/self-worth and learning about the profession she's chosen... rather then sit here and lament YOUR problems with her choices and how they effect YOU, why haven't you sat her ass down in front of this forum to help her learn from the mistakes others here have written and benefit from the advice of those of us that do well without compromising personal standards so she can make informed decisions on how best to run her dancing business?

    you pointed out that this girl has always looked for the "fast and easy" way to make money as if that's some kind of detriment... as long as she isn't uncomfortable morally with dancing, what's the problem with making fast and easy money? would you prefer that she made it slowly and with difficulty in order to appease YOUR personal feelings?

    s'down, sonny. you don't deserve her friendship.

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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    Folks,
    I really really appreciate everybody's feedback, both positive and negative. I've sent a few private messages and also appreciate the feedback on those. This is very sincere when I say every message has helped me.

    Dharma, part of our friendship has included sex and you are right. It's a jealousy issue that I'm having a problem with. I'm not on a mission to get in her pants, it's already happened and that's not what this is about. This is also not about "not getting any anymore" as we cooled it months ago. I truly want to see this girl accomplish her dreams and Alanna you also make some great points. I should be there as her friend to support her, NOT judge her, and want her to do well. You're right, as a friend would I rather her be broke and struggle? NO. Would I prefer she does something else to make money? Being honest yes, but as you said I can provide help in that area and if this is something she truly wants to do this is her life and I can only give advice, I can't force her to do things. I've been a bit selfish as far as wanting to be the "knight that rescues the girl".

    I came here for the feedback and I got what I needed, I really appreciate the points everyone made. As I said I really couldn't go to family or friends on this. Some pretty small minds within that group. I've learned some lessons from all the advice. I'm here to help her with support, care and advice if she seeks it as she has since I've known her.

    Faithless





  12. #12
    Member LittleOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need advice:When female you know starts dancin

    ARGH!!!
    I just wrote this huge post, hit preview, hit "back" and lost it all!!

    So, cliffs notes-

    This girl has not "Grown up too fast" she isn't grown up at all....or she wouldn't need you to "save" her.

    She doesn't respect you, or care about you, she's selectively ignoring the vibe from you saying you don't like this...she's obviously strong willed, and self centered. It's all for her, all the time, "use it till you lose it."

    Family is #1. I don't care who you are or what you think your getting out of, you grew up with these people, and from them...it is not a "myth" all little girls will grow up to eventually be like thier mothers...friends and girlfriends come and go, family is FOREVER yours. Your family is too "small minded" to know about this, means your ashamed to tell them. So, eventually you wouldn't be able to stand it, you'd be ashamed to be with her.

    People with different goals, and different backgrounds are not likely to last....it would be this or something else, but do you see yourself marrying her?? She is not like you, and you know that, don't force something that is simply not there because you think it will help her. You are not strong enough for you both, if anything, she is stronger from being tested so many times.

    Sacrifice is only a small part of a relationship, not the foundation for one. Stop being a martar.

    Abused people are not quick to advertise it, because it is something they are ashamed of. Other people are quick to say they are abused to justify to others, or to themselves actions they are ashamed of.

    It's hard when you realize that your being used, but I think you've known it, or you wouldn't have come here for advice. The fact that it's been on your mind means you have KNOWN deep down exactly what is happening. When someone needs saving, they will seek salvation, they cannot be forced, why do you think so many people don't like christianity....you rebel against being forced into anything!

    No one can save you, you have to save yourself.

    ANGEL

    p.s. I'm a nice person, I'm a college graduate and I've never been abused, neglected or tormented. I had a great childhood, lots of friends and family....yet, this is my choosen profession.
    I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do any drugs, I don't prostitute (which is essentually what you have said "makes money") and I don't swear. I am a leukemia patient, a professional cheerleader, a lifetime member of the girl scouts and a brownie leader. I have a great christian boyfriend, we've been together for a little over a year. We have a cute little house, with a puppy and we just became members of our church, his father is the deacon....I'm 22, so I'm not naive or childish, I've grown into being what probably your, and your families defination of a "good" person would be. I've had a lot of trouble finding out "who I am" and I'm happy with myself and my decisions. What I do for a living does not define who I am, I am all that, and this too.
    I understand that "public opinion" has you a little misinformed, so I'm not offended by your posts. I only ask that you read the board some more, and learn a little more about who we are. There are alcoholics, sluts, and drug addicts in all professions and all walks of life....so, some of us are those things. Most of us, aren't.
    There is a difference between a job and a lifestyle, a job supports a lifestyle, don't let the two become confused.
    Hottie on the Hood

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