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Thread: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

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    Default Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    HELP!!!
    I'm looking for suggestions on ways to get my girlfriend of 4 years to stop dancing and move on to something else. When I met her she was working a "normal" job for min wage and only doing amateur contests for extra money. The extra money thing then lured her away to do full time dancing. She's danced in S. Florida, SF, and LV where we are currently.

    Each time we moved to another city it was because of MY job. And each time we moved she tried to get a "normal" office type job. In the past 4 years that I have know her she has worked 4 "normal" jobs, the longest one lasting about 5 weeks. She has a number of reasons of why the jobs didn't work out but I think it really comes down to a couple of things.
    - She doesn't like anyone telling her what to do
    - She doesn't like having a schedule
    - She doesn't like to wake up (morning/night doesn't matter)
    - She doesn't like when people talk about her lack of education and talk down to her
    - She doesn't like being responsible for things

    These are the reasons I think she keeps going back to dancing. She can get a job based on her looks and charm but once she actually starts working it she can't deal with the structure and diplomacy that is involved in the rest of the working world. She dances because it is "easy" for her.

    But with money being so bad this past year it is not easy for her anymore. She goes to work and sits in the dressing room and bitches all night. She wont work the floor anymore, waiting/hoping/praying that guys will approach her. She still manages to make $$+ consistently, but that is not good enough for her and frankly I am tired of hearing about it. I never liked the idea of her dancing anyways and now with her constant complaining and her 3-5 days a month of actually waking up on time to go to work I really think she should move on to something else.

    I'm OK with her staying home and doing stuff around the house. I don't make a ton of money but it is enough to pay all the bills and save a couple hundred a month. The only problem with that is she can't deal with me trying to budget and put a little money into savings and constantly complains because I wont spend money on the expensive stuff she is used to having.

    What do I do? Talking about her future with her always ends up in an arguement. I know she doesn't like dancing but she hasn't been able to hold a normal job outside of the clubs.

    -I suggested she try cocktail waitressing at one of the clubs she works at so she could still hang out with her friends, make decent money, and not have to deal with guys turning her down.
    -I suggested she go back to school. She has her GED and I think that is all you need to go to community college. I think that also would be a good place to meet friends that aren't strippers.
    -I suggested she stay at home, pick up a hobby, and take a break from working. She wont do that because I can't afford a new $$$$$ outfit and $$ trip to the salon every week. (sorry?)

    Even though I've been complaining about her situation I do really care about her. I think she is capable of doing whatever she puts her mind to. She just has to try and commit to giving it some effort. Does anyone know of other things I can try to suggest? Or a better approach to discussing these kind of topics? It doesn't make a huge difference to me how she spends her day/night as long as she is somewhat happy doing it. Having to hustle isn't doing it for her right now.

    Please help. I really care for her and I want her to be happy but I don't know what to do that will actually help. Sorry for the long post. - BEN

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Well, I can offer three possible alternatives ...

    #1 get yourself a job with a six figure income, so that you can provide the lifestyle she deserves and at the same time still fulfill your wish that she quit dancing. It's not realistic to trap her in a financial environment where you're struggling to save $200 a MONTH!

    #2 Shut up about her dancing and her lifestyle - she obviously enjoys/prefers it, she's obviously not ready to deal with any rigid straight job structure, and she's obviously not yet willing to become a full time student on an austerity budget. And the fact that dancers are having more customers say no to spending money on them like they used to is not a problem unique to your girlfriend by any means - it's the result of the poor economy plus the anti-dance club crusading by conservatives!

    #3 get out of the way to make room for another guy who DOES have a six figure income to take care of her properly!

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Ben some girls get caught up in the dancing world for alot of the wrong reasons. You need to think about yourself some. Sounds like she does not really care about the job. And you remain unhappy. Sometimes choices are hard, but you two have argued this before, and she still does not stop stripping.
    Take care of yourself, do your job/work. And if she cared enough she would have respect for you. Meaning able to talk about the situation, or maybe make some changes in her life style. You have to look out for number 1 though! And that is you. Let her live and learn.
    May not sound like great advice, but people don't change who "they are". They only adapt to their surroundings.
    Lotsa luck...Pamela

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    #1 get yourself a job with a six figure income, so that you can provide the lifestyle she deserves and at the same time still fulfill your wish that she quit dancing. It's not realistic to trap her in a financial environment where you're struggling to save $200 a MONTH!
    I have a salary job which pays 82K/yr. I also have a mortgage, 2 car payments, 401K, IRA, health, savings account, etc. that eats into those paychecks. No it is not a 6 figure job, but it is the best I can do right now. Considering the health of the economy I am glad I even have a job. I don't understand what you mean by providing her the lifestyle she deserves. I am not trapping her into to anything - she is free to move on to find a "sugar daddy" if that's what she wants. I work pretty hard to pay for things we have. If there is stuff she wants out of the budget I think she needs to go and work and save so she can purchase it. If anything it is unrealistic for me to pay for all the living expenses and both of our car payments and the only thing she puts money towards is clothes/salon and partying.
    #2 Shut up about her dancing and her lifestyle - she obviously enjoys/prefers it, she's obviously not ready to deal with any rigid straight job structure, and she's obviously not yet willing to become a full time student on an austerity budget. And the fact that dancers are having more customers say no to spending money on them like they used to is not a problem unique to your girlfriend by any means - it's the result of the poor economy plus the anti-dance club crusading by conservatives!
    She doesn't like dancing. That is the reason for this post. She likes the easy way out. And you're right the poor economy is not helping dancers or anyone else with a job for that matter. So since she doesn't like dancing, doesn't like rigid job structures, and doesn't like school what should she do? The only problem I have with her lifestyle is her expensive tastes that I can't support with only my income.
    #3 get out of the way to make room for another guy who DOES have a six figure income to take care of her properly!
    Wow! That's harsh! I feed her, put a roof over her head, give her a car to drive, listen to her, and support her decisions. If taking care of her properly means weekly shopping sprees and expensive salon visits every week I guess I am a loser because I don't have the money to pay for it. When I met her she wasn't dancing, didn't have such expensive taste, and didn't really care how much money I did or didn't have. It wasn't until she started banking while dancing that she started to spend money like water. And it wasn't until money got bad in the clubs that she started complaining. I guess she thought the good times would last forever and never had to think of life after dancing.
    Posted by: Pamela Posted on: Today at 9:25am
    Ben some girls get caught up in the dancing world for alot of the wrong reasons. You need to think about yourself some. Sounds like she does not really care about the job.
    Thanks for the reply. As I said before I don't really like the idea of her dancing, but if it makes her happy because she can have and do the things she wants so be it. But it is not making her happy and that is why I think she should look at other alternatives. She says herself every day how she is going to quit because she hates it.

    So what do you do if you don't have alot of education or work experience other than dancing and want to do something different? You guys are dancers and I'm sure at some point someone else has gone through this. If she had no respect for me I wouldn't be with her. She has a lack of respect for herself because she feels "trapped" being a stripper and doesn't have anything to put on a resume or whatever to give her other income options.

  5. #5
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I understand what you are saying ben. Can't she get a job at a very expensive restaurant? Tips will kick butt there! I am sure being a dancer, she knows how to interact with people, so my choice would to ask her if she can get into a classy restaurant position. As far as resume? Has she ever had any other job? Anything at all would help.
    I would leave out stripping when applying for a restaurant job. Since the money can be just as good at an upscale restaurant, they may fear losing her, or just not like the fact an ex dancer is serving food. (you know).
    Good luck...and get her started if you can, by talking first!

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    So since she doesn't like dancing, doesn't like rigid job structures, and doesn't like school what should she do? The only problem I have with her lifestyle is her expensive tastes that I can't support with only my income.
    I hate to say it Ben, but there is nothing you can do except to get her into counseling.
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Sounds like she is a spoiled brat and wants to have everything for nothing. Everything costs something whether it's time, work or money. She wants to lay around the house and go to work when she feels like it or when she manages to wake up in time, and have everything handed to her. She needs to wake up to the reality that nothing in life comes easy or free. Maybe she had it easy with dancing for a little while and thought it would last forever. It won't, as she is beginning to see. At some point she'll have to get off her ass and do something, whether it's get an education, work, hustle, or find a sugar daddy who has lots of money and will expect a damn lot more from her than just laying around the house. Maybe I'm a bit harsh but I don't feel sorry for girls like this at all.

    The unfortunate thing for you Ben, is that there is really nothing you can do. Your gf doesn't want to work, doesn't want to deal with structure, doesn't want to go to school where there are lots of structure and demands. Let her live and at some point she'll figure out she has to deal with the world in order to have what she wants. Maybe you'll lose her in the process, but it is her own problem and you can't fix it for her.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Senior Member Tonya's Avatar
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Ben, does she have any office skills? You could suggest that she go to a temporary employment agency, some will train for free. I do temp work keey my resume updated. And it only takes about a month at a vocational school to ge MS Office certified.

    How old is she? She may be to young to care about her future. I didn't when I first started, I just danced to pay one bill to the next.

    I know you really care and see potential in her that she doesn't see. But, don't make this your problem. She'll come around when she's ready or maybe she won't get it untill she's lost her looks and has nothing to fall back on.

    How about marrying her, at least she'll have health insurance.

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I absolutely agree with Bridgette. She's being spoiled and lazy. If she manages to get a job you and I both know she'll only complain about the fact she has to get out of bed and take orders. She'll only end up quitting, which seems to be a pattern for her (high school and every job she's prob had). I'm afraid this may just be her personality, if she doesn't want to work more than a day or two a month you can't make her. How old is this girl? Maybe it's a matter of maturity. In this case, how long are you willing to wait around on the chance she might grow up? Does she seem depressed? Such a total lack of ambition is often a symptom of depression. Has she ever had to be on her own? Maybe she's just used to, or expects to be taken care of. Let her try to make it on her own awhile then maybe she'll learn to appreciate where the roof over her head and her car payments come from.
    In the very least, you need to have a talk with her about contributing more to the household. And if you plan on being with her long-term, find out what, if any, goals she has. Then it's up to you to decide if you really want someone who will most likely be dependant on you for her every need.

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I only have three suggestions for you Ben

    1. Dump her
    2. Dump her
    3. Dump her

    You just rattled off a list of negative personality traits that'd choke a horse; personally I couldn't imagine myself committing to such a person. A serious committment requires serious work from both people; unless of course you are a six figure plus earner and can afford a live in prostitute, it doesn't sound to me like she's willing to do her part!

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Sounds like she is a spoiled brat and wants to have everything for nothing. Everything costs something whether it's time, work or money. She wants to lay around the house and go to work when she feels like it or when she manages to wake up in time, and have everything handed to her. She needs to wake up to the reality that nothing in life comes easy or free. Maybe she had it easy with dancing for a little while and thought it would last forever. It won't, as she is beginning to see. At some point she'll have to get off her ass and do something, whether it's get an education, work, hustle, or find a sugar daddy who has lots of money and will expect a damn lot more from her than just laying around the house. Maybe I'm a bit harsh but I don't feel sorry for girls like this at all.

    The unfortunate thing for you Ben, is that there is really nothing you can do. Your gf doesn't want to work, doesn't want to deal with structure, doesn't want to go to school where there are lots of structure and demands. Let her live and at some point she'll figure out she has to deal with the world in order to have what she wants. Maybe you'll lose her in the process, but it is her own problem and you can't fix it for her.

    my thoughts exactly

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    How about dumping her? She seems to be lazy and unmotivated, and in my opinion a relationship should work both ways.



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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Sorry, Ben - I know I came across as devil's advocate but I needed to elicit a reaction to find out something about you as well as what you had posted about her. Also your original post made the impression that you and she were much worse off financially than you actually are (i.e. subsequent posts brought out that you're providing her a car and actually providing her a pretty nice life)!

    Truthfully, given my better understanding of where you two are coming from, she needs a "wake up call". She needs to be made to understand that things aren't the way they used to be in regards to dancer's incomes for virtually ANY dancer this year. She should not think badly about herself because her earnings are off (all of our earnings are off!) , but she MUST stop feeling sorry for herself and make a change of some kind in her expectations and her own efforts. You know her better than anyone, to judge whether this "wake up call" should take the form of a tough love ultimatum from you, or it could come from a counselor, or from someone else like one of her family members. But it sounds like she's definitely suffering from "dancer depression" which will only get worse if left untreated.

    Depending on your own relationship commitment level as well as hers, if a "wake up call" fails to bring results you may want to think seriously about moving on without her. This is not a healthy situation for you either!

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    #1 get yourself a job with a six figure income, so that you can provide the lifestyle she deserves...
    I think the only lifestyle someone like that DESERVES is being deported and forced to live in a third world hellhole where her only home is a ramshackle hut with a dirt floor, her only food is groul and maybe some bugs, and her only income option is doing some backbreaking labor for the equivalent of 28 U.S. cents a day. Keep her there long enough for her to realize the value of a dollar and to appreciate what she had at home.

    I'm sure after a couple weeks of working in a clandestine Peruvian coca field or some dirt farm in Mauritania, that 9 to 5 job or college education that she's not interested in doing won't look so bad. Thats what I say ought to be done to ALL spoiled brat freeloaders (male and female alike) who expect their spouse or S.O. to bankroll their selfish laziness.

    Taking what Ben has said about his significant O, I think she has a problem with putting any blood, sweat and tears into ANY job she does, including dancing. She's clearly gotten into the profession for the lifestyle aspect of it, and is not treating it as the job should be treated. Not to sound mean and autocratic Ben, but if you TRULY love the gal, you're going to have to convince her that the world doesn't revolve around her and her extravagant spending, and I assure you that she will NEVER find happiness or satisfaction by leaching off of others. The sooner she picks her lazy ass up by the bootstraps (however she does it) the better.

    I'd suggest giving her an ultimatum to straighten up, and if that doesn't work, I'd suggest kicking her to the curb.
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I have another suggestion, Ben... Do you think maybe that she only talks about the bad side of dancing around you for your benefit?? I have a friend who sounds very much like your girlfriend, except she loves dancing, and wants her Boyfriend to think that she does it only for the money. You had stated that you would rather she got another job that wasn't dancing.

    Ben wrote:
    "She wont work the floor anymore, waiting/hoping/praying that guys will approach her. She still manages to make $$+ consistently, but that is not good enough for her and frankly I am tired of hearing about it. I never liked the idea of her dancing anyways and now with her constant complaining and her 3-5 days a month of actually waking up on time to go to work I really think she should move on to something else. "

    If she isn't working the floor and she is still making consistent money in Vegas by sitting in the dressing room, how does she do it?? I don't know anyone who sits in the dressing room all night complaining AND makes money

    Just my two cents...


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I don't mean to be insensitive, Ben, but I have to concur with others here - dump her. She doesn't deserve you and she's lucky you've put up with her BS for this long, though I'm sure she doesn't appreciate it.

    Dancing isn't a career - everyone has to hang up the 6" stiletto platforms at some time, and unless she's working very hard and saving her money in order to retire early (which she is not) then she is going to have to deal with another job at some point. A job that requires a schedule, getting up early, and being told what to do. That's part of being an adult, accepting responsibility for your own welfare. It's not your job to do this for her.

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry my posts are always so long.

    I'm afraid this may just be her personality, if she doesn't want to work more than a day or two a month you can't make her. How old is this girl? Maybe it's a matter of maturity.
    -She's 23 - I am 27. Sometimes I look back to when I was 23 and think about what I was doing, why I was doing it, and where I wanted to go from there. I think that as I got older I became much more serious about a lot of things. Maybe she'll grow out of it. Maybe she wont. How much time to you give someone to grow up?

    If she isn't working the floor and she is still making consistent money in Vegas by sitting in the dressing room, how does she do it?? I don't know anyone who sits in the dressing room all night complaining AND makes money
    I only know that she sits and complains in the dressing room because she calls me from there telling me how horrible her night is. Every once and a while I'll go in to the club to hang out for a bit and have a beer and I wont see her over an hour because she is in the dressing room. This has only been happening this past year. Before she worked the floor and hustled taking only short breaks to refresh or whatever.

    She has an excellent stage that is slow seductive floor work followed by crazy polework. She gets alot of attention from her stage that often leads to no hustle laps/vips and usually gets good rail tips. When she does work she almost always comes home with over $100 just in singles from her stage sets. She also has some regulars that email her before coming to town. So she doesn't have to work much at all in comparision to make a consistent 2+ after. A lot of the girls she hangs out with work hard all night and lately have been having nights where they don't even make house back.

    Such a total lack of ambition is often a symptom of depression. Has she ever had to be on her own? Maybe she's just used to, or expects to be taken care of. Let her try to make it on her own awhile then maybe she'll learn to appreciate where the roof over her head and her car payments come from.
    She's depressed. There's no doubt about it. I also think we have some codependency issues. I want to help and at the same time I want to run far, far away. We both have a lot invested in this and I think it would be stupid for me to not even try to improve things. At some point you have to move on but I'm willing to give it some effort before doing so.

    Her childhood was pretty crappy. She definately is a "statistic". Her family was never around/sober and when they were they were pretty abusive. She had to grow up by herself so I assume she knows what it takes to make it on her own. And I am SURE she knows she is going to have to "step it up" regardless of us being together or not.

    Most of what I've said describes her as unmotivated and lazy. Her resume and actions show the same. But to her credit, I have also seen her take the initiative and work really hard to get where she wants. She has the capacity for excellent work ethic. I know she can do whatever she wants if she applies her self. She has just fallen off track again.

    So to summerize -

    -she made mistakes with school and other jobs
    -she realized she was going nowhere with that attitude and started "paying her dues" to make up for the past by working really hard
    -the clubs got slow, she made less money, it messed with her self-esteem, she didn't save any money, she cant make 7+ every night anymore, she is depressed
    -she is back where she started with "nothing" to show for it

    She's at a low, and I don't think kicking her is the right thing to do. Even if her problems are self inflicted I still want her to be a happy person, girlfriend or not. If she can't treat dancing as a real job she is going to have to find something else to do. What dancers do after dancing is what I am trying to find out. Some of the suggestions I've gotten so far sound pretty good.

    I am obviously not a dancer so I don't really know what it is like and can only make assumptions. I know the majority of her problem is personality. What I don't know is how much is strip club related. Advice from people who may share a similar perspective as her's is really helpful. Thanks again.


  18. #18
    Pamela
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    I don't suggest "kicking her either". However depression is very serious. You just can't be yourself and motivate without proper treatment at times. See if she can get into therapy, go with her, support her feelings. At the same time, don't fall into the trap were YOU become depressed too. All of us go through hard times in life sooner or later, and just think if our loved ones tossed us away. Now she does sound "some" extreme. But if she is depressed, this may not be who she is. First things first. She has to get some therapy. Love herself, and learn to love others. Dancers are very compasionate people! We learn how to deal with all kinds of groups. So she has got it in her. Help her, but don't lose yourself.
    If all else fails in the long run. You may have to let her go. That is if she is not wiling to help herself. But remain a friend if that is possible.
    Pamela

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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Ben, Please let her know that everyone in the whole US is having hard times financially. I have to travel a minimum of three hours to find a club that I can actually earn a decent living at. It is stressful on my marriage because I am gone all the time, and hubby has a full time job and full time child that he must care for so having him travel with me takes a real organizational feat.

    We are doing what we need to to get ahead. We lost our nest egg in the stock market, and I had a fun day job selling bridal gowns, but it just didn't pay the bills. He worked as a computer IT and his hours were cut and cut to the point that he would go a whole month without any work at all. So I returned to dancing in February 2002 (after only leaving in August 2001) and am still at it. There is finally light at the end of our financial tunnel. Hubby is working full time again, we are building our first home (literally, it is a sweat equity program), and I had a really great night at work last Saturday. Let your GF know that it doesn't always stay bad and things will get better. Sometimes a change of scenery is all someone needs to perk him/herself up. Maybe she should take a quick flight to Reno or Phoenix to dance there for a week and have a fresh perspective on her career.

    I do use the word career because I am 10 years older than your GF and I am still at it, and earning as much if not more than ladies your GF's age. In this economic climate people change careers about every eight years. Right now I am creeping up on the 5 year mark, so it looks like I have another 3 left to go.

    Another thought that I had is that many dancers are very creative people. I have met many ladies who are artists or musicians, and those kind of personalities don't fit real well in corporate America. If your GF is denying a creative side to herself to try to think about what is the "right" thing to do, I could see why she is depressed. Also you two have been together since she was 19, and the mid twenties were very hard on me and my friends, so maybe she is experiencing some "growing pains". I could keep guessing what is really going on all day, but really what you need to do is encourage her to do some soul searching. Spirituality through meditation may help. And if it is in your budget, counseling can be very helpful. I got some great counseling when I was 26-27 and it helped me to "grow up and get focused."

    Good luck Ben. Maybe you should introduce her to this website for support and encouragement. I find it very cathartic to read and post here.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Ben, you said when you met her , she was not dancing and her tastes were different than now. Well I think a woman does not have to go to salon every week, she can do some things herself but I also think , (I am not) sure how old is she, but she is being lazy just a little bit. Maybe be she so so frustrated at this point that she has no GOAL for herself but if she likes dancing, beleive me she likes it if she still works there,then she needs some time for herself

  21. #21
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    altho Melonie was a bit 'harsh' in her first post imo, i have to say i agree..........


    --i made $60k doing idiotic database work. your $82k isn't a whole hellava lot more (sorry)

    --sometimes just letting the person go is the best thing another person can do for them! (you might want to think about this one real hard, ben -- it might say something more about yourself in this relationship)

    --move out of the way and let her get a sugardaddy. period.

  22. #22
    God/dess Deogol's Avatar
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    Dude, dude, dude...

    You need a fast game of "Ditch the Bitch" on this one.

    Life without stress and feeling taken advantage of feels pretty good. You should try it.

  23. #23
    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    We do realize this post was started in March 03....??

    I am sure Ben has sorted it out by now, well hopefully

  24. #24
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    omg. you need to chat with my partner!! lol

    i cant believe how much your story sounds like us, he want s me to quit, i dont want to, cos im used to the money (i definatly DONT expect him to pay for everything-tho he has offered) we been together 2 years, ive danced for 3.


    now hes not keen on me doing it either, and to be honest i HATE dancing here too ( nz is a hole) so we kinda are working on comprimise.

    i work 3 nights instead of 5-6 i normally do.
    i take any modelling work i can get ie onemodelplace - sign her up
    and will do outcall/strippergrams as often as i can to make up the money.
    starting a website to generate a SMALL basic income

    then, in time, ill slowly do less and less of that higher income stuff, and move off and geta real job, without even noticing the finiancial difference.


    maybe there needs to be a partnersofstrippersunite.com !!! lol

  25. #25
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: Next step after dancing....HELP! (long)

    lol krys...

    who the hell keeps digging up all these old posts.....??!!

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