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Thread: What do you tell your family?

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    Senior Member Tonya's Avatar
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    Default What do you tell your family?

    I started dancing at 19, to get out of my parents house. Now I'm 24, lost my tech job and planning on getting back into dancing again. I've become very close with my parents over the past year. They are very conservative and religious. I know they will be disappointed and won't understand why I would choose to dance when I have an education. They may also stop speaking to me. I know I don't have to tell them but it's not something I want to hide. As far as money goes, dancing is the best job I can get right now. I was wondering how many of you tell your family what you do? And how they react to you?


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    Featured Member susan's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    FUNNY friggin story I heard the other day. The woman who organized the protest by the dancers at Lusty Lady in San Francisco was the daughter of a female physician who was BIG into hooker rights and working with girls in the sex trade to help them. ANYWAY, Mom did NOT know that her daughter was a nude dancer UNTIL the two of them, accidentally, were scheduled to give talks on the same program at a conference somewhere on the sex industry. HBO had a big documentary special on the Lusty Lady squabble, and she (the dancer) agreed to let them put an unobtrusive camera in the hotel room when she and her mother met and discussed the whole thing.

    The scene was NOT pretty, and this was a Mom who was already working with other girls in the sex trade and her daughter was in prolly the LEAST obtrusive part of it (let's face it, dancing -- with zero customer contact like they have at Lusty Lady -- is a l-l-l-o-o-o-n-n-g-g way from working at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada!!!!).

    I can't imagine MY mother finding out. Hell, my mother prolly doesn't think I strip naked in front of my husband!!!!

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Hi Tonya, I tell everyone who askes what i do to make ends meet. I told my BF (ex now,) he could not handle it, and broke up with me. But still wants to see me, go figure. My parents i told right off the bat. My mother goes to church, her man is my stepdad. She asked why. I said i needed to get an education. It went kinda ok...lots of questions from her. Then when i finished school, she said why still dance? I told her that i make excellent money. Money that i need right now to get the car i want, (yes i do want some nice things, i am a women who works hard for her money,) Some nice clothes, and i want a home. Then i got pregnant. (yep, ex.) Had to stop dancing, took on a job at a trauma center at a hospital. (that i still work today!) After recovery, right back to dancing, told mom again. She accepts, but does not like. She thinks i am better then that. I don't understand, better than having a nice toned body, making great money, buying a home and my young daughter wants for nothing. She got the point. Also i do phone sex daily, and webcam whenever i get a call to go on as i have a toll free number the guys get to talk while doing cam. She is the best mother, stepdad thought it was cool. Siblings don't care either way. If i can only find a BF who does not think i am too raunchy on the pole!! Thats my problem.
    PS i would never lie to my family, lies breed lies. Be honest. Explain, from your point of view, they don't understand because they don't know the business (usually.) Best way up front, quick, don't make a big deal out of it. Let them ask questions, encourage them to ask questions.
    Lots luck to you. Pamela

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    Veteran Member NYCjacqueline's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Tonya-
    I come from the same type of background as you do. I personally don't feel that certain things should be opened up , to protect their feelings....but everyone deals with this differently. Granted, there are things in their past that i know they don't feel helpful letting me know about - that's their decision , and i don't demand to know all of their business. My parents are also older, so the combo of the religiosity and age , etc - makes it complicated. I also freelance as a makeup artist and make excellent money doing it, so they pretty much think that's what i do for work. My parents would be hurt, more than anything, but they would never stop talking to me or oust me from the home -
    Granted this is a little different, i suppose - if it directly affects them or your relationship to them. But in cases such as mine, there's no need for them to know and deal with the heartache.
    "You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything." -Claudette Colbert

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    Senior Member Tonya's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Thanks for the advice ladies.
    I think telling them would hurt them more than it would help me. They are hypocritically judgemental. My relationship with them isn't that important to me, but their relationship with me means a lot to them.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    My family doesn't know. My mother and I are different brands of feminist, and I *know* that they would not understand how I could possibly not be hurt by doing this work. So I don't tell them - they think I still have the last 'straight' job I had part-time over the summer.

    Religion is not an issue in my family (well, to my parents.. my aunt is Christian, and my now-deceased grandmother was very very christian.. but I don't get along with my aunt, anyway.) Exploitation and all the misconceptions of sex workers are issues, though. When I was a kid, I was not allowed to watch MTV because my parents considered the videos to be degrading to women everywhere.

    This is not my ideal situation. I'd like to feel comfortable with the idea of my parents knowing what I do, I'd like to be able to change their opinions of strippers and the industry as a whole, but right now I don't feel comfortable being that open with them. I don't know if I ever will, I think it will probably depend on how long I keep dancing. I don't intend for this to be a long-term career for me, I know I only have so many years I can do it (and I'm already 25!). Perhaps after I quit I'll feel able to tell them about it, but I don't know right now.

    It doesn't help matters that I'm currently staying in my mother's basement. (My apartment building got sold and the new owner basicly evicted everyone by raising the rents and requiring new huge deposits from everyone.. and he did it with very little notice. I, like many dancers, do not have a very large savings to pay for sudden things like this, and so here I am.)

    I'd like to be able to share the positive aspects with them - I'd like to be able to bring them into the club and show off some of my badass pole tricks, I'd like to point out that my taste in men has improved since I started dancing, my self-esteem has risen, my ability to stand up for myself is better.. not to mention that I can dance *well* in heels that would hurt many people's feet just to look at! But I know that they would not be able to get past the idea that I am simply selling my body.

    A few months ago, I tested the waters a bit and joked that I was sick of my job (the job they think I have, not the job I actually have) and was thinking of becoming a go-go dancer. My mom's reaction? "Aren't you a little old for that?" heh. Maybe it's possible to open a discussion about it with her someday.. but not now.

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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    When I initially told my mother about being a dancer, I also got the "holier than thou" response .... for about a week until my mom's boiler died and she needed 3 grand inside of 2 hours to replace the boiler to avoid freezing every pipe in her house. Ever since then she's had a complete turnabout, she has set her Hollywood stereotype view of dancers aside and actually TALKED to me about what really goes on. I'm sure she's still not in the category of actively supporting my dancing, but she does realize that it is a job, it's a job that pays better than any other job I could land in my area even with my college degree, it's a job that allows me time off whenever I need it to taxi my mother to her doctor's appointments ...

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    Featured Member TiNi's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    My mom's a minster, but I still told her. I'm 19. It's better than she finds out the hard way(someone else telling her). She disagrees with it but she still supports me on whatever I do.

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    Member Madison's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    When I told my Mother, her only concern was that I would not be safe because she has no idea what a club is like! I had to explain to her that I dance by another name, the guys are not allowed to touch, and that someone always walks me to my car. Once I explained that she has been totally cool!

    I worry sometimes that I will see one the dads of children that my boys know and that my dancing will harm them in some way but right now I have to do what I can do to pay the bills.

    Once your loved ones realize that dancing in a club is nothing more than a means to an end for you, hopefully they will be supportive. They may not like it, but at the least they should be able to understand why you are doing it. I am dancing because my husband lost his tech job!

    Best of luck to you and write and let us know how it goes for you!


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    Veteran Member Theresa's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    I initially told my parents that I was a shot girl in a strip club, because I didn't know that regular clubs had shot girls too. However, I told my sister the truth, and she ended up spilling the beans to my parents. I know that they don't like it, but I am also going to school so they know that I am only using dancing to support myself until I graduate and can get a "real" job. Anyway, if you were going to keep your parents in the dark as to what your job is, the only thing I can suggest is to tell them you are a bartender somewhere, most likely somewhere they wont show up. Bartenders and dancers work the same hours pretty much, and both come home with a lot of tip money. That is what I should have done in the first place.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Hi Tonya. I told my mother I was waiting tables in a strip club (so she wouldn't want to come and see it). I am not ashamed of it - I will tell anyone else (well not my father. And not my sister because she would tell my mother. But anyone besides that). But again, sometimes it is about protecting other people's sensibilities. There is sometimes NO POINT in forcing other people to face these things. (You, of course, can best decide if there is or isn't a point; I am just saying that there is nothing wrong with limiting who you tell this to). If your instincts tell you not to tell them, I would say follow that.

    Jenny
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    This is a sticky topic. When my parents found out I was doing online work, they freaked. Well, my mom freaked, my dad just didn't talk to me. My mom cried all the time and told me that I was better and smarter than that. She didn't understand, that yes, I was smart enough to figure out an easy way to make good money! All she knew was that her "baby" had gone bad. I couldn't deal with the pressure of disappointing my mom so I quit for a while.

    Right now I am trying to get back into it...inching my toes in one by one, and it is very difficult. On one hand, I want to keep it totally secret for the rest of my life and I would be cool with that. One the other hand, I am an adult for heaven's sake! C'mon people, I am 24 years old, I will be getting married within the next two years!!
    My decision is still unmade....
    Good luck with yours Tonya, keep us posted!
    MissB

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    SO My mom understands Completely, she doesn't exactly want me to do it because I am her daughter and she just doesn't, but when she was in her 20's she danced before too, she told me that the money was good but she honestly did it for the attention, and that the did it drunk most of the time (she was a big PARTIER to say the least when she was younger) Anyway she only danced for a few months but she knows its not as bad as some people believe...She was upset to hear that nowadays the clubs rarely pay you by the hour, and that dancers actually have to pay the house fee...She used to get payed by the hour...any way so she is understanding, now my dad isnt as agreeable on the subject but it is nothing that upsets him to the point of anything ugly...
    Dignity is about showing self respect and having quiet self esteem

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    Member Madison's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    MissB,

    Good Luck if you decide to come back. I am 31 and married with 2 kids and just started dancing. I was not going to tell my Mom at first but I have a hard time hiding anything from her so I told her. I am glad I did now. She was not happy about it at first and was really pissed at my hubby but I finally got her to see that no one was holding a gun to my head and just because I am dancing naked it does not change who I am or what she taught me. Give your Mom some time and she will realize that it is a job for you and not a lifestyle!!

    Let us know how things turn out!!!

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    Veteran Member Sara's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    I was wondering how many of you tell your family what you do? And how they react to you?
    I didn't tell my parents. I don't know how they found out. I started dancing Nov. 1993. Three weeks later the club manager came into the dressing room saying my landlord was on the phone. "My landlord? I rent from my dad, and he doesn't know I dance." Well, somehow he found out! All I can guess is that he must have came into the club, saw me on stage, and ran out. :o

    Anyway, I'm glad. Dancing has been a big part of my life and who I am. My dad is disappointed in my profession but proud of how I'm succeeding in life and my mother admits that she would have done the same under if her circumstances would have permitted. But they are both very concerned I will be a bad influence on my little sisters. My only regret is that I didn't have the courage to tell them myself.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Thanks Morgan...

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Orchid-

    Your situation is interesting to me. I find it upsetting that your mother self-identifies as a feminist, yet is not willing to understand the power of choice, the ability to choose one's path. I consider myself to be a feminist. And when I first started dancing, needless to say, I was feeling what I call, "feminist guilt." I disassociated my dancing from my politics. But I then began to realize that certain schools of feminist thought do not empower me, but rather closet me and create shame. So, I went on a mission to find a way to connect my feminism to my dancing...and I ran into pro-positive sex feminism. Needless to say, I have not been kicked out of the "feminist party." This school of thought is a lot more congruent with my reality and feelings of empowerment.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Most parents do not understand the business. My parents died when I was in high school but my sisters and one brother who is a cop don't understand. My sisters never achieved much in life and could always call me when they neded money for the phone bill etc.

    My fiances mom is the only family I even deal with anymore and she thinks I do hair and travel around with her son on business projects. She is retired and we don't want to tell her yet.

    Basically, if girls treat dancing as a career, TAKE IT SERIOUSLY AND SAVE AND INVEST THE MONEY and have some visible wealth to show for dancing then those accmplishments can make a dancer look less like a flake and a slut. MONEY TALKS.

    I knew a girl who danced for 10 years or so who owns massive amounts of real estate and who could be a testimonial for Carleton Sheets. She danced full time and creatively worked her money and became a millionaire. Now she is retired and I think she is in her late 30's now. What can you say bad about her career choice .

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    Member TorchtheWitch's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    Orchid-

    Your situation is interesting to me. I find it upsetting that your mother self-identifies as a feminist, yet is not willing to understand the power of choice, the ability to choose one's path. I consider myself to be a feminist. And when I first started dancing, needless to say, I was feeling what I call, "feminist guilt." I disassociated my dancing from my politics. But I then began to realize that certain schools of feminist thought do not empower me, but rather closet me and create shame. So, I went on a mission to find a way to connect my feminism to my dancing...and I ran into pro-positive sex feminism. Needless to say, I have not been kicked out of the "feminist party." This school of thought is a lot more congruent with my reality and feelings of empowerment.
    I hear you about the feminist guilt hon, I struggled with that for years. Finallly came to terms with it after battling my head and heart, and reading some "sex-positve" feminist stuff too but am no longer comfortable identifying as a feminist. I think simple "human" will do for me.

    Tonya, I wish you the best of luck honey. This is a toughie- maybe the toughest thing of all most dancers have to deal with. I started dancing in 1986 when I was 18 after my folks kicked me out of the house for getting pregnant. ( I aborted the fetus), so there were sexuality issues going on in my house since I started puberty. The issues? No one wanted to actually ACKNOWLEDGE the fact of my becoming a woman or a sexual being. We just ignored it like we do pretty much every other problem.

    I told my folks that I was waitressing at a strip bar at first and I remember my dad making a crack about how I was probably waitressing topless. When I first started I saved my money like a fiend because I wanted so much to show them that I was gettting something out of dancing. To show them. I remember when I took a car I wanted to buy for a test drive- a Camaro- I drove it right up their driveway to show off.

    But there were several spaces of years where we didn't talk to each other and the pain it caused me was incalculable. I imagine it was the same for them.

    After a few years in the business, I won a bunch of "Miss Nude_____" contests and started to feature. I was making more money than ever and felt like I constantly had to show off my wealth to counter the abuse I took from the general public and the apathy I felt from my family. This is turn, made me POOR! I remember showing my family my promo and stuff and my dad was uncomfortable beyond belief. Mom was slowly warming.

    Over the years I've done a lot of drinking to chase my demons. they always came down to my relationship with my dad and the way I felt about myself. I was always so angry at him for not acknowledging me- for selling me short- for selling the profession, my colleagues and friends short. I have always felt that he has had no right to judge me since he knows ZIP NADA NOTHING about the business because even now 16 and a half years later he still has YET to ask me a single question about it. I have always felt like it was pretty fucking crazy behaviour to play "let's pretend" all the time. Let's pretend Torch doesn't have a job so we don't have to talk about it. I mean total denial when something is right in front of your face is either pathological or cowardly or pathologically cowardly!

    After a few years of successful featuring my mom started to come around and I especially remember one time where she told me she was actually kind of bragging about me to someone. It meant a tremendous amount to me. My mom and I can talk about it- correction- I can talk to HER abou it but now that I think of it, I don't think she has ever initiated a conversation about it. She does not, however, make me feel bad about my choices and I am incredibly grateful to her about this becasue I don't regret a single minute of my life.

    Now after a few years I got a "normal" job and my dad all of a sudden developed this incredible ability to talk tome about my work which alternately thrilled me and pissed me off. The hypocrisy killed me. Being the exact same person as the week prior but now suddenly "respectable" . What bullshit.

    Went back to dancing, he went back to pretending.

    After a few years, I became active with a strippers' rights organization, so active in fact that I eventually became the chair of the Board of Directors and the media spokesperson. Now the funny thing was, I was on national TV a few times coast to coast and I thought oh won't dad just LOVE this- his worst nightmare- his daughter the tramp going major public. And I knew that someone somewhere was going to say hey Dave, was that your daughter I saw on television the other day? And he must have finally given in to that fact too because after my being in the org. for two fucking years he finally ASKED me what it was about but really I don't think he WANTED to know OR for me to tell him, I just think he wanted a "soundbite" to give his friends or anyone who asked. I have always felt like my dad has been terribly embarrassed about who I am without EVER KNOWING who I am. Man.

    So anyways, I did quit again for two years, did the normal job thing again and all was well on the "how are things at your normal non-stripping work Torch?" homefront. But I was less angry this time around, I mean, my dad's a product of conditioning like the rest of us are, he was taught certain things and believes them, he's not a bad guy at all, I love him in fact, he did his best, I just wish he would explore the things he believes instead of just taking them at face value.

    Now, this year, at 34, I decided to come back one last time. It was hard. I didn't tell my folks for months, it was just easier not to hear the disappointment in my dad''s vioce, easier to let him live his little fantasy life.

    But eventually I told them. well, I told mum 'cause I knew she'd tell dad and dad hasn't talked about it still. Hasn't asked me any questions, still doesn't know anything about my life and how I feel about my job, the work I did with that group, men and well, life. I actually wrote some LEGISLATION this year, I mean how many people EVER ANYWHERE have impact enough to get fucking LAWS amended to improve things for people? I wonder, why does't he ever look at anything I do and think it's good? He just doesn't know. And like, it seems, just about every man of his generation, he can't deal-no scratch that-WON'T deal with the fact that his daughter, along with every other person in the fucking universe, is a sexual being. I wish I could talk to him about this, I wish he cared enough about me and himself to find the courage to ask me one day. I wish my parents would come to watch me dance. I know they'd be blown away because, no brag, just fact, I'm one of the best. I love to dance. I love being on stage. I love being sexual. But you know, he's going to have to deal with it one day soon because the book of my life so far will be written soon and he's getting the first copy. (I wonder if he'll even read it) I'm writing it for myself most of all but also for all the people out there who are hurt because of this job and don't HAVE to be. I'm tired of chickenshit dads hurting their daughters because they are too uncomfortable to DEAL with shit. Bullshit excuse. Fucking cowardly. Too much pain is generated this way. It must be stopped. I'm tired of watching my friends and colleagues be denigrated , judged, berated, ignored and hurt by the people who are supposed to act with love, kindness, encouragement, support and understanding.

    I have seen so many women abadndoned by their families in this profession. And the ironic thing is, that kind of isolation is exactly what makes people vulnerable and prone to dull their pain and hurt with drugs, booze, or whatever your poison may be.

    It's so very tiring having to justify one's existence all the fucking time, man.

    christ, I can't wait to take over the world

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    Veteran Member hollyday's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    my parents know now that i dance but when i started 10yrs ago (the first time i only danced 4 about 3 months then quit because my 'boyfriend'didnt like it)but when i started this time (now almost 4 yrs ago) i told my mother right away..she knew the reasons why i was doing it, because i was in an abusive relationship and i wanted out...i, like u torch, have a father that hates that i dance...but my mother is ok w/ it...i figure im 34 yrs old , i pay my own way and support my son with no help from anyone so what does it matter what i do for a living...they dont pay my bills...i think it comes down to whatever your happy doing...ive done every job imaginable to man from retail to factory labour and beleive it or not this is the longest job ive ever had...i cant get fired haha
    wishing my sisters good money luck
    blessed be

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    The irony of all of this is who do we sell the most dances to? Men who have kids.

    As Dennis Hoff said on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch show on HBO, all men have paid for sex at some point and any who deny it are lying. Mostmen he been to strip clubs before including our fathers butsince society doesn't condone that behavior our fathers hide it.

    They will buy dances from girls young enough to be their daughters but yell and act so offended when they find out their daughters dance.

    Most parents who are in their 40's and 50's today had sex with whomever walked and smoked dope and did drugs during their college years big time. They need to wake up and accept the fact that their children will be just like them.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Tori's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    My older sister (4 years older) use to be a dancer and my mother found out from someone else. I am from a small town in SC and everybody knows everybody's business. My mother is not the type to judge someone because of their occupation. She knows what type of daughters she raised and that we would handle things the right way. Besides when my sister was dancing while in college majoring in Economics she took care of the whole family including my aunt who has cancer and lots of bills. So when I started to dance she kinda assumed I would knowing the earning potential and that I had somewhat of a trainer already in the business. My mother is the only family member that knows for a fact that I am a dancer everybody else assumes. My mother and family is well taken care of and if they ever asked I would probably tell them where all the Christmas gifts came from this year, how I flew to SC in 1 days notice of my aunt having a triple bypass, how my aunt's back taxes got paid on her house, my cousins basketball camp paid in full for 6 week's ,amily reunions funded...

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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    I told my family right off the bat and they pretty much freaked out initially, and they told my grandparents! Now, it's been years and none of the things they worried would happen to me have happened (that I'd become an addict, a prostitute, be stalked, etc) and things are pretty much fine with us. I never talk about my job with them and I couldn't have lied.
    I actually started dancing because I was being supported by my father and therefore had to account for everything that I did and every expense to him. When I turned 18, I wandered into a strip club thinking that I would apply for the waitress position, but changed my mind within 3 minutes and decided to try to dance. I'm glad I did - he has supported my sister, and the stress that she has gone through dealing with him, explaining her finances, etc, all through college sucks. Independence is a wonderful thing. I decided it was far easier to get my money from a lot of men a $20 at a time rather than all of it from one!

    One of my grandmothers was a very early feminist and she was concerned that this work was exploitative of me as a woman. Also, the family was pretty shocked as I'd always been the smart one. I explained to my grandmother as well as I could that dancing didn't alter my strength as a woman. I'm very lucky to have, overall, a lot of supportive family that all still speaks to me and that I can hang out with without wanting to shoot (except for my stepmom, of course).

    Now, the funny part is, my aunts and uncles thought it was pretty damn funny, and were delighted to see my dad, their conservative older brother, saddled with this black sheep daughter. So the first Christmas after I started stripping, I got a lovely set of pasties from them. Thank god for family with a sense of humor.

    I know that there are a lot of people with families that they can't tell, especially those with parents from other cultures, and I feel lucky that I haven't had any truly terrible repurcussions within my family. I also have a sister that wouldn't have snitched on me, ever. Shame on those tattletale siblings!

  24. #24
    Veteran Member hollyday's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    good post colletcall
    blessed be

  25. #25
    Veteran Member Nichole's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your family?

    When I told me mother, she wasn't happy but knew there was nothing she could do about it. She asked me lots of questions, especially about back rooms where funny business goes on! I assured her that there was nothing like that! She even came in and saw me once. She is pretty easy going and knows that I don't do drugs, smoke, or drink, and it is just a job.
    Visit http://www.midwestdancewear.com for a great selection and price for all your dancewear, lingerie, and shoe needs!

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