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  1. #1
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    HELP! I'm 23 yo and work in a club in upstate NY for two years. My problem is that there's this guy that came into the club 6 weeks ago, never seen him before, older (46yo). He treats everyone here with so much respect, it a breath of fresh air.

    I've become his ATF, and after the first lap dance, which ended and I stayed on his lap and talked for 40 minutes. Whenever he comes in, he tips me when I go on and he says he loves to see me dance-dance, not strip dance. Dance is what I always wanted to do, Broadway...., but live took a turn and here I am. After I move on, he moves to the bar. After my set and lap dances, I sit with him. I usually tips me well, and i tried to stop him, because I really enjoy our talks. I gave him my number, so that we can talk (he gave me some advice that worked) and I want to get into things that I don't want overheared at the club, but he doesn't call.

    I know he's married with kids and he knows I have two kids, but we talk so well that I sometimes wish he would call. When I made a remark about giving up dancing and doing something else, he's produced info on the something else. He seems very concerned and has given me an ego boost. I now feel better about myself.

    I want to continue to talk, but I think his afraid of what my motives are or could something happen. My motives are simple, I need the ego boost and he's a striaght shooter. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear, he tells me how things are from his view point. Perhaps he's the Dad I don't have because of my high school pregnancy, I blamed my mom and they ended up getting divorced.

    So, should I continue to pester him, plead my case? I know where he works and have his office number. Should I call him? All I want to be is friends, no more.

  2. #2
    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    It sounds like you've truly found a rare one! I know that some guys, often guys who live in areas like upstate NY where the big city fuck your neighbor mentality isn't totally engrained, can be respectful, honest and helpful. My guess is that he's a bored suburban husband and a professional man hitting the club for stress relief rather than horniness. I would further guess that he does not want to risk mixing you or anything related to the exotic dancing business into his business or personal life. If you seriously want to take this farther than a club setting, you;ll probably have to directly raise the subject yourself. But my take is that when this guy walks out the front door of the club he definitely wants to leave all club related associations behind.

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Lucky girl!!! This guy sounds like every dancers dream! You are probably playing into a fantasy for him, and no doubt he likes you just fine. And when he goes home, he has his wife and children to return to. Great customer. I would keep it that way, for fear of asking for something else from him that he just can't deliver. You may push him away where there is no pressure. I would not call him at work, or pester him. If he would like to call you thats a different story, as you know you are willing to talk to him. Respect him, and keep him as your number 1 customer. Have your chats at work and dances! I would not push him by being a pest. Let him come to see you. Pamela

  4. #4
    Jay Zeno
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    Sounds a bit like a friendship I've had with a dancer. I've given her good leads on things of interest to her, and we've talked about life-and-love issues, and I've tried to give her the benefit of my life experience.

    However, neither one of us have talked about taking anything outside of the club. I think if I were to suggest it, she would be uncomfortable. If she were to suggest it, I'd be uncomfortable and have to decline. I'm happy with the friendship that exists on the rare occasions that I see her. I believe she is too.

    If this guy is married with kids, then deep within, he's afraid that something could go wrong and you could end up wrecking his domestic tranquility. He realizes that, after all, nobody really knows what somebody else is capable of. He also may be afraid that if he does call, it would lead to something that he doesn't want to happen.

    He can be very happily married and still treasure his time at the club and his friendship with you. But he obviously wants it there, in a safe environment.

    Patience. The more he gets to know you, the more comfortable he'll feel. And if he never feels comfortable taking it out of the club, well, you've got a good thing in there, right?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Thanks for the suggestions, but I miss him. He did not show last night and I had some important things to talk about. So lost without him.

    Thanks

  6. #6
    Jay Zeno
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    I apologize in advance. Now you're really not going to like what I have to say.

    If I were in a happy marriage, with kids at home, having to spend time to take care of them the way I should, I would get scared if another lady, not to mention a lady in a strip club, said she felt "lost" without me. At that point, it has the potential to turn serious and maybe, just maybe, this lady would want to inject herself into my personal life.

    And let me tell you from a fatherly standpoint that if you feel lost without him - him being a man with his own full life outside of the club - it's so much more the reason for you to search for resources within your own personal life that you can count on, or try to marshall the strength to meet your challenges on your own. It'll be better for both of you.

    I don't expect that to help you feel better, and again, I'm sorry. But I honestly believe it.

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    Veteran Member hollyday's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    wow jason pretty cut and dry eh! i think if your motives are as sincere as you say and if you have his work#...what about email...did he say you could call him at work? i dont think it would be so bad
    u dont really sound like a homewrecker...
    blessed be

  8. #8
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    I don't have his email. I got the phone number by calling his company and asking for it. My motives are not to bed him, but to have a male friend that can talk to me, and this is what we have at the club. I just would like to be able to call him, mid day with a question, not wait until Saturday night and the hour or so that he spends at the club.

    Since he did not show up on Saturday, should I call him to see if everything is okay

  9. #9
    Jay Zeno
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    Dear Help: I have no question but that your motives are good.

    I'm just saying what will be going through his mind, if he thinks anything like me. With that in mind, I would caution against surprising him with an out-of-club call. If I received an unexpected call at work from my dancer friend, it would leave me unsettled. (If he doesn't think anything like me, then I could be wrong, of course.)

    I'm sure he's fine. If he has a family, he could've been taking the family out to a movie on Saturday night, or out visiting Grandma, or something. You'll catch up with him, I'm sure, when he's back in the club, and then you can raise the idea of wanting to call with a question outside of the club and see what he says. And if he says it would've been just fine, you can tell me how wrong I was, and I won't mind a bit. But until he says it's OK, I don't think it would be prudent.



  10. #10
    Member Q's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Wow, talk about dejavous-

    This is definitely a case of "been there, done that" for me and it did not happen comfortably for me. Although I am not 46 if this were just a few years ago I would have had serious doubts as to whom you were. (Not that you seem to be anything other then what you present here).
    Sparing the details I had a remarkably similar situation with a dancer at my local gentlemans club, we became friends and one day she called me at the office and said "hi it's me". I immediately recognized her voice and at that moment my heart skipped a few beats and I felt very nervous as I wondered exactly why she had chosen to take the next step and I mentally thought to any time that I may have given her the number, I knew that I had not.
    I have/had a lot to lose and I instantly had thoughts of her showing up at my office where I am very visible and very well known to be married and inter office jealousy and position jocking is bad enough let alone the rumours that would start when she showed up looking very dancer like (I know it is bad to stereotype but at that moment all I could imagine was her dressed "to kill") or worse yet showing up at my home. She had not seemed to be agressive and I had been honest with her and told her of my situation from the first time we met.
    Images of sale signs on my homes and my wife at the helm of my business instantly flashed through my mind as I wondered exactly just how much money she would demand in our divorce?

    That said the woman was a good person to talk to and I really enjoyed spending the time together as many people do not realize just how hard it is too meet people (even one) for friendship when schedules and lives are so full. She ended up not being "up to anything" but it made me feel very guarded and I stopped coming to see her.

    It was not that I did not want to talk to her but it was the manner in which she took it upon herself to track me down and to just call, if she had of asked at some point or said that she just wanted to chat that would have been different as I did like her.
    Q

  11. #11
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Question for Q - which might help NY and others that read this posting

    Why did she call?
    Did she call you after you stopped going to the club?
    Why did you stop going to the club?
    Are you still going to clubs?

  12. #12
    Senior Member Dharmabum's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    I'll keep this real simple, you seem like a sincere person, but if this gentleman wanted any type of relationship with you outside of the club he would have called you by now. Give up on contacting him period! He seems like a nice guy, but if you attempt to contact him against his wishes you'll probably destroy the friendship you now share with him, not to mention running the risk of causing him marital problems. If you really do like this guy as much as you say, respect his wishes and leave him alone outside of the club.

  13. #13
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    I hate to say this but am I the only one that has visions of bunny rabbits on a stove top. Sounds to close to stalker behavior if you ask me.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Candice...Bunny Rabbits on a stove top? Interesting. I don't see it as a stalking case, yet. She does seem to need some sort of boost and MERELY_LURKING (and others) have the right idea. Wait for him to come back to the club and have a heart to heart. He will let you know which way he wants this thing to go, either club only or both in and out. Respect his ground rules and you should set your own.

    I have seen some dancers who fall for the guy that give them a boost in their ego. All dancers have a problem with their self esteem, either because of what some guy(s) in the audience might have said or just comparing themselves to other dancers. Some dancers adjust real well and the dip in their esteem lasts micro seconds (in other words, it never effects them), some do not.

    I think she should wait and come clean with what she wants. If this guy is giving you advice and showing you what else you can do with your life, and that is all you want, great. Tell him that and tell him the weekly meeting is not enough to get you out of the business as fast as you want.

    I remember one outstanding performer, she would march on stage and dance like it was Broadway, but when it came to the one on one shows at the rail, you could tell she was not into it at all. There is nothing worse than a dancer that does like her work, or shows that she doesn’t like her work.

    Best of luck.

  15. #15
    Pamela
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    Whoa Whoa!! jackjrct, Dancers have problems with self esteem? I don't quite understand how you can come to a conclusion like that. (pretty heavy comment, don't ya think?)
    We like to take our clothes off. Thats not a sef esteem problem.
    We like to please an audience. Thats not a self esteem problem
    We are great actresses! Thats not a self esteem problem.
    And we have the ability to make money legally (most) with a show, dance, talk, and getting inside a guys head LIKE YOU... to pay for our company. I can go on? But i will stop. You see we are not wall flowers.
    The ones 'who try' may have self esteem problems, they fail. Or educate, and try again. Not for a sec. have i ever had a self esteem problem, far as i can remember as an adult. Really.
    Why on earth would you think a dancer has self esteem problems? We are the entertainers of the world.
    Pamela
    Now spelling that is an other issue...for me, not from lack of education, my parents are Swedish, i try my best to spell properly. Being raised with different wording, and thinking i believe at times.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Pamela, Sorry for using the incorrect word. I should have typed SOME not ALL. The rest of my post states SOME. It should have all said SOME.

    If you look at all of my posts, I have nothing but respect for what you and all the dancers do. And I think the male population should treat you all better than what is posted here and other sites.

    Did I mention anything about your spelling? I hope not.

  17. #17
    Pamela
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    Default Re: This Guy

    No jackjrct, you did not mention my spelling, i had to modify my posting to clear up my spelling. That second paragraph thats all. I was thinking about was what written. I am glad to know you don't think all dancers have self esteem problems. But it sure seemed to state that. It's cool, everyone is has an opinion, and i would respect yours also.
    But me being a dancer and coming from a guy who seems to like dancers it seemed odd to read that paragraph thats all.
    Pamela

  18. #18
    Member Q's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Question for Q - which might help NY and others that read this posting

    Why did she call?
    Did she call you after you stopped going to the club?
    Why did you stop going to the club?
    Are you still going to clubs?
    I asked her that question and she said that she needed to talk to someone about some problems that she was having and she needed my advice.
    I stopped going to the club as I could no longer go there without her acting very jealous and monopolizing all of my time there.
    On more then one occasion she had words with another dancer that I was also friends with and it became very awkward for me as she became really possessive.

    When I stopped going she told my other friend that she would not be ignored and if I would not come to her work she would come to mine.
    Thankfully the other woman/dancer had called me on my cell phone a few dozen times until I got her message that literally allowed me to head #1 off before she made it into the building at a time when I had a conference room full of investors with a direct full window view of the lobby/reception area of my offices and it could have been a very bad situation that could have been very harmful to me as you can literally hear every word that is said in that area due to the echo from the high ceilings.

    I had no other options at that point so I just told her point blank that I no longer wanted to see her or be friends with her in any manner. She looked really hurt and apologized profusely and told me several times that she had not given any thought to the possibility that calling or coming to see me would be harmful in any way. I felt really bad as I am not a mean person and I am not uncaring but I had to ask my personal assistant to quietly step in and see that she left without further incident and I walked away and left her in the parking lot.

    I did not go back to the club for almost a year after that and she had stopped working there full time and now she no longer works there at all. I have gone back several times since she left and I gave an extremely large tip to the second woman for warning me and giving me a serious heads up and I was very grateful for her help and the fact that she took the extra steps to get the message to me.
    Q

  19. #19
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Q...Thanks for sharing and WOW. You don't want that to happen. I can understand the need to talk, but to "lay claim" on you is .... frightening.

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    Default Re: This Guy

    I think it is important to respect each other's zones of privacy. But those privacy zones can be different for different people. Talk about it directly - "Is it okay if I call you? Are there any times I shouldn't call?"

    The lines do occasionally get blurred. I'm both a customer and a friend. I'm a sugar daddy and a shoulder to lean on. The one thing I am not is a boyfriend or sexual partner. That does sometimes gets frustrating even for me --and I'm saying that as one of those nice respectful customers who know how to behave right. Dancers and customers have to be very conscious of what they're doing when they establish relationships outside the club. It can get confusing even for veterans.

    I've made a number of good friends at my regular club. Several dancers have my cell phone number and I have their numbers. I do not give out my home or office numbers. The ladies know they can call my cell and leave a message if they don't get me. They often call me to let me know of changes in work schedules, or just to say hi. There are some I know I can call anytime, and others that I just talk to at the club. I used to have a pager and the girls could leave a text message for me - that worked great until I got rid of the pager and just kept the cell phone. I'm one of those that finds it flattering when a dancer calls just to check in with me - they're not working or looking for money, they just want to say hi or talk about something.

    "Help in NY" - when you do see this guy again, be direct. Tell him what you're looking for and ask him how he feels about that. Clubs are certainly full of enough games, but if you're not looking to just play him, then be open and honest with him. And respect his answers as well. Or, you can just email me and I'll give you my cell number.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    Dan....are you married? Sugar Daddy....do you "loan" alot out?

    Just interested, I have one that calls me and I have loaned her money and she pays me back. Usually $50 to $100 every three or four months because she is short for some payment.

    The club she works out, there are more people around the bar, getting a free show, then at the tip rail at times. I was there one day where the set of four girls made $10.00 in one hour, between them. So I know at times things could be rough.

    We have talked for a while and she does go to school (she was proud that she passed a bio class last semister) so I know when she asks, she needs it.

    Just wondering.

    PS No sex here also, so you don't get the wrong idea

  22. #22
    Senior Member Jackjrct's Avatar
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    Oh My :o

    Friendships do evolve and yours looks like it has taken the next step beyond friendship into really good friends. I think if you made the suggestion and it was taken seriously, then you should wait and see if it happens. Don’t push it or ask again, see if she remembers what she said and see if she takes it to the next level. If you value the friendship, make sure it wasn’t the “booze” talking when you asked at the club.

    Also the IOU is still doing it for money. Whether you pay that night or the next day, doesn’t really matter. And after all these months, you’re sitting in the bed, with boxers, they never touched you or got you off? Perhaps you are just a vehicle in getting them a room to use for their enjoyment. No receipt and a good excuse for their guys….”we’re dancing a private dance for extra dollars, and we don’t have sex with him, ask her….”

    Think about where you want this to go. If you are enjoying the show and really don’t want it to end, even if it means taking matters into your own hands after, then let sleeping dogs lie….

  23. #23
    Member Q's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    I almost feel that there must be a script written somewhere that mandates how these things happen as this is way too familiar. :o

    Dan, fwiw been there done that and would probably do it again as it was a lot of fun but then again it was only a lot of fun for a short while as things became really complicated and weird with literally everyone involved having to or needing to lie to someone far too often.

    I have also done the sugardaddy thing and the loans thing far too often and although it may seem harsh I have disciplined myself not to loan money to the girls anymore. If I am in the mood and I like a girl I just give her the money now and tell her if she pays me back that is fine but if she does not or cannot that is fine as well and I do not accept sex as the repayment.

    Paying car payments, rents, loans, and utility bills is often easier in the long run as quite often the money that you give is not used for that purpose. The dead beat boyfriend ends up wasting the money on something else and then your friend the dancer is right back in the same place again and she still needs you help.

    Your situation is a tough one and I would probably walk away fwiw.
    Q

  24. #24
    Featured Member Chuck149's Avatar
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    Default Re: This Guy

    I want my real life and a fantasy life that I can retreat to and I do not want one to collide with another.
    That has helped me to understand that a dancer has her “business life” and her “real life” and needs to keep them separate. She needs to retreat to that real life to retain her sanity. If all us customers could reach that understanding, it would make a dancers job so much easier.
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

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    Default Re: This Guy

    Jackjrct - I definitely agree about the IOU being the same as money, except most dancers I know believe in immediate gratification when it comes to money for dancing. That's the only reason I mentioned it. Although maybe they've just learned that I'm good for it and started thinking more long-range than most.

    Q - I'd love to hear more about how you handled your similar situation. I can definitely relate to the "complicated and weird" part (see below)

    Chuck149 - It's the whole "business life" and "real life" thing that's confusing me. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I've always maintained appropriate boundaries and respected those of the girls. I don't ask about boyfriends, kids, where they live, anything personal, unless they discuss it with me.

    My problem is that if I behave going forward based on the understanding that these girls are just playing me at a whole new level, and I think of our relationship as only being "business" (as in, "this is fun like it is, but what if I pay you a little more and . . .") then I risk offending them badly and screwing up a legitimate friendship. If, however, I treat our encounters as an enjoyable part of our "non-club" life and act like a regular guy with a regular girl (or two) instead of the well-behaved customer I've been trained to be, then I risk destroying my reputation and the trust I enjoy as a well-behaved customer. Either I risk treating "good girls" as "sex workers", or I risk treating "good dancers" as "very good friends." I'm not sure which way to turn.

    And if I try to discuss my moral quandry directly with them (as I suggested Help in NY do with her customer) I'm afraid that, if this is all "business" to them, they'll lie to me anyway and tell me it's "real" just to keep me coming to the club and I still won't know the truth. How do you know when to trust what a dancer tells you when your relationship has started with you as a customer?

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