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Thread: balance between fantasy and reality

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    Default balance between fantasy and reality

    Hello,

    I'm curious how dancers deal witht the following predicament. I have found difficulty between maintaining the fantasy of availability, without actually coming across as available. There have been a number of customers who have asked me for my number, to date me, to take me out for dinner, etc. Yes, there have been those customers that have asked the above with the sole intention of fucking me. However, I have also met a number of customers who just appear to be lonely.

    I come across as very approachable, easy to talk to, laid back, and "girl-next-door." A lot of men feel very comfortable with me very quickly...which leads to a number of "I'm so lonely" stories.

    I am there to make money, but at the same time, I don't want to take advantage of any man's lonliness or insecurities. I have never given my number out, and I also say that I have a boyfriend (which isn't a lie). I tend to feel pretty badly and guilty after taking a lot of money from these types of men. But there is a part of me that realizes that I can get a lot of money from these types of men as well, and at times, try to milk it for all its worth....leaving me with feelings of guilt.

    Has anyone else come across this predicament? If so, how do you deal with it? Maybe I'm too nice by giving a shit, but I do.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    hey i used to feel this way . i used to feel sorry for them and it affected my money . what you need to realize is that most men (not all) that come in , come in thinking that i'm some sort of prostitute they can buy for the night or something, they come in thinking i'm a whore and not caring about me or feeling sorry for me. they come in for the fantasy not to make friends. but then there are few guys that are truly lonely and i deal with them by giving them a email address they can contact me from to "chat" and it ends up making me more money as long as they understand that nothing extra will come out of it. i never go out with customers work is work and i dont bring work home with me . i like my sanity just fine... i dont know just how i'v been handling things. its a mind game play it well.

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    Featured Member TiNi's Avatar
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    I understand what your saying. I think every dancer have been through this experience. But we are there to make money, not to feel sorry for guys. When you put yourself into feeling sorry for guys cause of what they say maybe you shouldnt be a dancer. I am just like you but this is my job your feelings dont count cause your suppose to make them feel good. But you have to be strong enough not to let them get to you. You are a different women when your in the club, and you go home dont take your problem from work and bring it home. That is where some people go wrong get guys numbers and going out with them. You start taking it personal which should not be.

    I had a guy that loved me. He gave me his number at work. Told me wher he work, and where he live. Hed wanted to take me out to dinner , buy me things,etc. But here's the good part. He thought he could get me by showing me his kids pictures, beautiful kids. He told me some sad story how he was having problems with his wife.

    You have to be careful some guys work try anything to get in your pants.

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  7. #4
    Pamela
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    You can't be to nice to a man who is paying for your services that you enjoy doing and you both are staying within rules of the club. caring is very normal, even to care about a stranger. remember this very important note; these men are coming to the club for entertainment! They are walking in the door on their own two feet to see women like you. Trust me you are giving them pleasure, and they are leaving witha smile on their face! Don't feel quilty! Men go to see dancers for MANY reasons, and "the i am so lonely" statement is usually very true. So fulfill their fantasies!!!! You are doing all the right things a good dancer does. Keeping your number, telling them you have a BF, and being straight up. If they want more, it's too easy for them to go to an escort service. They like your attitude, it draws them in. Keep it up. Pamela
    PS Doesn't seem like you will get soft and let anyone (besides your BF,) sleep with you.

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    Veteran Member Theresa's Avatar
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    I know exactly how you feel and it can be SO frustrating!! Here you are, just trying to do your job and make sure the guy has a good time, and then he says something like "I would really like to take you out to dinner sometime." Some guys come in with a cocky attitude, they dont spend very much $$$ (if any at all) and it is easy to turn them down. But with the guys who do spend a decent amount of money, it is hard to decide what to do because even though you are not interested in seeing them outside of the club, you want to make sure they keep coming in to see you and keep spending money. What I do is this:If guys ask for my number, I tell them that I can't give out my number because my roommate and I share a phone, but I can give out my email address. As far as guys wanting to take me out or date me: I say that I am not ready for a boyfriend at this point in my life/I am taking a break from dating. Even though the truth is I would NEVER date any of the guys I meet at strip clubs, esp. considering most of them are like twice my age, whether I was dating or not. You just have to turn them down gently, which can be tough because you know that they are very lonely and you don't want to hurt their feelings. But you shouldn't feel bad about taking their money b/c if you didn't some other dancer surely would be taking it. There are just SO many guys who would never be able to sit and hang with beautful women like us in the "real world" and sometimes they forget that we are not there to find dates, we are there to support ourselves.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    our business isnt different from other industries that create a fantasy to make you spend more. most accept that. it's nothin to feel guilty about. sales people do the same and we buy more make up or clothes than we wanted to. but we got somethin for the money we spent and i think those guys do too. fantasy is a great thing to give someone. it gives them something to look forward to.. and that's where it ends. you just got to be professionally minded when you work, that way you succeed just like in any other business. remember most guys just wanna get in your pants. and trust your instincts. never let the fantasy go too far or get too close for comfort.
    i'm not even dancing yet but i get approach a lot so i know what your feeling. i didn't know how to respond to them without regecting them. that's still a prob for me. what do you say when they persist you?

  10. #7
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    If I'm lonely and want to get attached to you, don't let me. You can let me down by saying you can't, you simply can't. And you can continue to take my money as long as I want to keep paying you. But I'm going to have to settle my loneliness issues outside of the club in any event.

    You might be temporary therapy, but you're not a therapist. What's paid for in the club stays in the club. I have to understand that, and you need to make sure I do understand that.

    And for all you know, I'm just sayin' stuff to get in your pants anyway.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Such a true statement, Jason! Well said.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    To avoid situations like this, I have sometimes "invented" my own version of a club rule against fraternizing with customers outside of the club. Most guys easily understand that many straight businesses have strict rules against mixing "business with pleasure", and will not be offended.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    your there to do a job and provide entertainment.. illusion.. fantasy
    the problem with that is we're only human and humans have feelings
    i look at it like this
    im there to make all money i possibly can so i can leave there and be me
    when i cant do that anymore i need to look for other work because then your thinking about the club when your not there and i screws up your normal life ie kids,family,bf etc.
    good luck
    blessed be

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality


    What I have to remind myself at some point is that even tho Sienna the dancer feels sorry for the guy and maybe wouldn't mind having dinner with him or whatever, the real me doesn't want that person in my life outside the club.

    Lena



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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Just tell him you have a boyfriend, even the most lonely guy'll understand that! That way, he can still harbor the illusion that if only you were available he might be able to date you; you let him down gently and allow him to keep his fantasy, a win/win!

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Athena: I think it's sweet that you feel badly about playing "the game". It makes you a normal caring human being and that's something to be proud of. We, as customers understand what clubs and dancers exist for(well, most of us do). Keep doing what you are doing, believe me, guys live for those few minutes each visit that they get to spend with their favorite fantasy girl. You are filling a need in some of these guys that goes way beyond just watching you dance.
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Hello,

    Yes, there have been those customers that have asked the above with the sole intention of fucking me. However, I have also met a number of customers who just appear to be lonely.
    Well no wonder us nice guys finish last. The jerks are stealing the only move we know and using it to manipulate!! But that's for another rant.

    It can be very tempting to ask a beautiful dancer to go out with me, but I keep this thought in mind to avoid doing so: "for me it's entertainment, for her it's work". Would I hit on the cute check out girl while she's scanning my groceries at the supermarket? No. And that's precisely why I shouldn't do it at the club.

    I wouldn't object to dating a dancer, BUT before getting into any relationship with her, I would have to know her under other circumstances. Everyone at a strip club puts a facade on their real personality. It's one thing to fall for the voluptuous sex goddess a man sees on stage strutting around in full make-up, t-backs and platform heels, but it's another to love that woman who wakes up with bed hair in the morning, walks around in PJ's and bunny slippers, gets aches and pains like any other woman, and probably after a night of being "professionally sexy" to dozens of guys at work, may not always be in the mood to be intimate with me when she gets home. I think that a lot of guys who get involved with dancers don't take that into account.
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    I work with a laid-back, girl-next-door persona as well. Same thing.

    My favorite,and most successful line, is somethign to the effect of "Oh, that's so sweet! I'm flattered! But I make it a point not to date customers because it is bad for business and encourages negative stereotypes." Usually works unless they are assholes or complete idiots. And it's true.

    McCain

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    "It's one thing to fall for the voluptuous sex goddess...but it's another to love that woman who wakes up with bed hair in the morning, walks around in PJ's and bunny slippers, gets aches and pains like any other woman, and probably after a night of being "professionally sexy" to dozens of guys at work, may not always be in the mood to be intimate with me..."

    Aw, dr._catfish if only there were more men like you...

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    I have an ATF that I dance with regularly. We e-mail each other between visits, usually once or twice a month, and have exchanged birthday gifts. She has agreed to have dinner with me but only at the club. During one of our discussions she told me about customers that tell her they love her. She asked how I felt about her. I told her I did not love her and that I thought of her as “my fantasy girl”. I want my real life and a fantasy life that I can retreat to and I do not want one to collide with another.
    That has helped me to understand that a dancer has her “business life” and her “real life” and needs to keep them separate. She needs to retreat to that real life to retain her sanity. If all us customers could reach that understanding, it would make a dancers job so much easier.

    Hey ladies, you’ve got a tough job trying to fulfill our fantasies, but someone has to do it. Rock on - Stay safe
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

  23. #18
    Pamela
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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Well said Chuck!!! I want my real life and a fantasy life that I can retreat to and I do not want one to collide with another. Pamela

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Thanks to Athena for starting this thread. I'd like to know what everyone thinks too.
    This is the hardest part of being a dancer for me. trying to relate to the customers and have good conversation, that's fine, but when it turns to "Will you go out with me?" "Do you have a man?" or "So what if you have a boyfriend? He won't know. Just tell him you're working late."
    OMG. I can't tell you how much this irritates me. It lets me know, right then and there, that these guys do not respect what it is that I'm there to do. It just really pisses me off. It's not a singles' bar. I'm not a contestant on the Dating Game or something. I'm not parading around on stage waiting for some knight in shining armor to take me away from my "horrible degrading life".
    And the worst part is that they don't usually tip me if I don't give them a number or promise to go home with them. They say "You just want my money." Well, NO SHIT. I'm at work. When I go to work, I expect to get paid. I bet they wouldn't go to their jobs if they weren't getting paid for it.
    WHY DON"T THEY GET IT? They don't treat their waitress like that. Or the girl that cuts their hair. Or the cashier at a grocery store. IT"S NOT A LIFESTYLE. I"M THERE TO DO MY JOB.
    How does everyone else deal with rejecting a customers request and still be able to have them as a paying customer? What can I say to keep them comming in even though I won't date them? And how do you say NO firmly enough that they get the picture without hurting their feelings? Because if I say no in a nice way they just keep on asking, like they think I don't really mean it and if they keep at it they'll wear me down or something. But if I make sure they know that I really mean it when I say NO, then they tell me that I'm a gold-digging bitch. What's a dancer to do? I don't want to date my customers, but I don't want to lose them either.

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    Kittie, there's nothing you can do about a guy that thinks you're a gold-digger because hey, we are! Part of their enjoyment of the strip club experience means that they are suspending their disbelief and enjoying the fantasy. The guy that is determined to see you outside or nothing, you aren't going to convince him to feel otherwise. Just let him know that you're sorry he can't enjoy your company in the club; he obviously doesn't get it. And he'll probably wind up getting strung along by another dancer who likes to play at that sort of thing and get burned and turn out bitter .

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    Default Re: balance between fantasy and reality

    That hard balance of fantasy & reality is probably one of the biggest issues I have to deal with as a dancer. That's a lot for me to admit because most of the time I'd like to think I was super-dancer and can separate the two. Though we take on a new personna while in the club, it's only natural for our natural inclinations of sympaty, empathy, and caring to come through in certain circumstances. Though somewhat hardened by my time in this business and being a bit of a bleeding heart, I've learned to keep it in check.

    There's a billboard at the airport that says " If this city's (meaning NY) teaches you anything, it's how to tell a real from a fake." ...and that is so true! The same goes for this business - use your dancers instincts and act on them. A sane guy with a head on his shoulders can't expect to come into a club and get a date...but when emotionally vulnerable, they will think anything is possible.

    I ususally take McCain's approach - I am sincerely flattered and thank the guy for his offers, but also mention that I must keep my work separate from my social life, and how important that is to me. Most of the time the guys agree, and if I feel they are potential regular customers, I have an anonymous email address that I give them. When they write me and "try again" to ask me out, it usually stops after I write back and insist that I do not date outside the club (I never mention I have a boyfriend - kills the fantasy) , and when they see it in black and white, on an email, I am technically "outside of work" telling them this, and then they know me to be serious.

    We'll always lose a customer here and there because of this, but 4 out of 5 of these customers, in my expreience, come back. Why? I don't know - maybe a challenge thing.
    "You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything." -Claudette Colbert

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