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Thread: Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

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    God/dess Pryce's Avatar
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    Default Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    GirlFriday and I are planning to get married in a church we are not members of. It is a Lutheran church and they have been very nice (in fact, we've been told it'll probably be free for the use of the church).

    Their only requirement is that we go and have some pre-marital counseling with the pastor. They said because the ceremony is sacred to him and he is performing it before his god - so he needs to get a feel for us and feel comfortable marrying us.

    Ok, so my question is has anybody else done something similar? As long as those are their true motives, I can respect that. BUT, I don't feel like being recruited. Does anyone have experience with this?
    We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise, or when we fall, or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction. Is it evolution that takes us by the hand, does Science point our way, or is it God who intervenes keeping us safe.

    So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic. And the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
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    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    There will be some prosetylizing if one of you is not of that religion, if things went as my pre-marital counselling did (Baptist church many years ago). Mostly they asked if we were getting married "in the Lord" (whatever that was supposed to mean) and asked a lot of questiions about our attendance and sex life. The pastor told me all the things I was supposed to do for my husband in order to be a "good wife" and told my soon-to-be that he was supposed to make sure I went to church, even if I didn't feel like it.

    But maybe that's just a Baptist thing. Or it could be that I am biased. I didn't care much for this brand of counselling.
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

  3. #3
    alexislv
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    I was raised Lutheran but I am actually Jewish..(long story) but yes that is normal practice in the Lutheran, Catholic and Jewish faiths..they dont tryy to recruit you, they want to make sure that you are "in love" and getting married for the right reasons, etc. Cuz the church by and large are against divorce...lutheran is not as strict as Catholic or the Jewish faith so the counseling would most likely be very informal and almost just a way to get to know the pastor who will be marrying you and stuff like that

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    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    i'm not married...but i now that my pastor requires the same thing...pre marital counseling...for members and non-members alike...

    i can't speak for the pastor you're dealing with...but my pastor doesn't try to recruite people (i go to a non-denominational church)...hope this helps...

    and congrats on the engagement...i'm late...i know...but i was away for a while and missed the announcement...



    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

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    Veteran Member anais's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    If you like them so far and they are being nice, it probably won't be too bad. How did you come to decide on this church in the first place? People you know? Pretty building? Maybe you should ask him exactly what the pre-marital counseling will involve. If it turns out for some reason that you are uncomfortable with the process and decide to go somewhere else, are you familiar with Universalist Unitarianism? (not to be proselytizing) Our minister has performed several ceremonies for dancers in our area (even ceremonies of union for lesbian dancers).

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    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    Quote Originally Posted by anais link=board=1;threadid=5319;start=msg56622#msg56622 date=1071710461
    proselytizing
    Thank you. I kept juggling the 'y' around, having a Brainless Moment, and finally went with "Eh, screw it, they'll know what I mean".
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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    Senior Member m's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    long story short, was apprehensive about the same thing. overall it wasnt a bad expierence at all, never had a big push to join the church. we have actually used some of the advice given to get through some rocky times...

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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    Hubby and I got married in '95 at the Justice of the Pease in Ohio. $40, 1hr of time and $3 for parking.

    Well it's the end of '03 and looks to be going strong. We have never told our families we are married (Because we stopped talking for 3 years during that time we got married) and don't really plan to tell them in the future. :o

    Personally I think it's the couple that important and if you get married spending $100,000 for a big wedding, or do the $40 cheepo route... it's all good...

    Important thing is I love my Bubby

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  9. #9
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    If it's a nice building being offered for free for use to a nonmember, it seems like a reasonable request to interview with the caretaker, no matter what the building is being used for.

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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    Pryce, Some people just want to "know their customer" before they do something considered a serious commitment. I have even heard of "marriage performers" who keep track of their "success rate". Also, the fact that neither of you have a connection there is likely to raise some natural curiosity about if you are interested in them just like if you wanted to have a kid baptized in a church you did not go to.

    Probably just wants to make sure you are both mature. If it turns out messy "Smite" them. LOL

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    Veteran Member Shayden's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    I was raised Luthern too and growing up in that church we're very laid back people, I don't think they would push you into anything. They'll probably inquire a little bit if you want to join but nothing pushy. I agree with everyone else here pretty much.

    Shayden
    When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail!

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    God/dess velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jason link=board=1;threadid=5319;start=msg56786#msg56786 date=1071754502
    If it's a nice building being offered for free for use to a nonmember, it seems like a reasonable request to interview with the caretaker, no matter what the building is being used for.
    agreed jason. i dont think it will be a big deal.
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    God/dess Pryce's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Everything posted seems inline with what the church-folk told us. And I fully understand him wanting to get to know us before the wedding - I'd like to know him too.

    I'm much more at ease and actually looking forward to it now! Thank you!

    Topaz -> Thanks!
    We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise, or when we fall, or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction. Is it evolution that takes us by the hand, does Science point our way, or is it God who intervenes keeping us safe.

    So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic. And the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred, to connect. And to know in our hearts... that we are not alone.
    Heroes

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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    I was married in a government office. The institution is just to handle the governmental paperwork. It has nothing to do with your personal convictions.

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    Veteran Member soybeangirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    I think it is pretty standard to have to go for couseling when married in a christian church. member or not. you are lucky to be able to use the facility. at my church (episcopal) you HAVE to be an episcopalian AND a member to marry there. It will probably be no big deal.

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    Veteran Member soybeangirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    wow. my teeth look really funny in my picture!

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re:Did you get married in a church you are not a member of?

    Hey Pryce,

    I'm Lutheran (ELCA) and agree with what's been said. Lutherans are pretty laid back and not nearly as intense as Catholics (no offense to Catholics intended). I don't think you'll be walking into a used-car salesman situation when you meet with their Pastor.

    -lestat1
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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