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Thread: Restraining Orders

  1. #26
    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anais,

    The more you describe this guy the worse he sounds. I would seriously be thinking about moving.

    Lena



  2. #27
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    My friend filed a restraining order against her psycho ex. She was sooooo happy that night saying how if he came within so many feet of her or called her he was going right to jail. You could tell she was elated. Less than 24 hours after that he broke into her house, killed her and himself. That's why I say you alone are the best judge of whether to file one. How much does he know about you? He could be spying on you from a distance, following you, making notes of your habits and routines. If you file one you must totally be aware of your surroundings at all times (well you should still be anyhow). Notice if something seems amiss in your car or at home. Always always listen to that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

    Have you done any research on stalkers? Like I mentioned, they sometimes never stop. Good luck girl and be strong.


  3. #28
    Veteran Member anais's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    I'm really leaning toward not taking that course of action. I think he would see at as more of a reason to hurt me. he blames me personally for "causing him serious health problems" since he is not allowed in the club it causes him so much stress that he is having heart problems so it is MY FAULT. I don't want to give him any more reason to blame me peronally for his problems.

    I think I will just talk to the police without filing any action. Maybe they can just come question him when he circles thhe block and tell him to stop and he wouldn't have to know that I personally had anything to do with it.

  4. #29
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anias , what are the laws in your area concerning having someone committed to a mental hospital ? Get a restraining order first. If the guy's behavior gets worse , perhaps you could have grounds for the State to have him committed to a State run mental hospital to keep him under observation ( for both his and your benefit) and to temporarilty relieve you of his antics. If his heart really is having stress related trouble from this , this can also be diagnoised during his stay there ( I would be less inclined to believe his heart problem myself . I had an exercise related heart attack in 1989. ) Anyway , the state mental hospital can probably check out his heart as part of the standard admission process.

  5. #30
    Veteran Member anais's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    I don't really care about his heart problem. What concerns me is if he actually believes that *I* am causing him physical harm, the more justified he may feel in harming me. He is just so delusional.

    He was in a mental hospital for several weeks after his suicide attempt. I don't think it helped much. I don't know about involuntary commitment.

  6. #31
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anais,

    While I was getting my degree in psychology, stalkers were brought up numerous times in different classes. Probably the most stalked profession in the world is psychotherapists. Occupational hazard. The ones that come to see psychotherapists are already not mentally well and then they become emotionally attached to their therapists and then step over onto the bizarre side. From what we were told and by what you've said so far here, my advice is this:

    1) He's not going to go away. You need to take action and you need to nail his ass.

    2) Talk to that lawyer about setting up a trap for this guy. All legal but a trap nevertheless. Get all the evidence for getting the restraining order but before you go to court...

    3) Protect your children. Go and talk to the school where your children go to and make them aware of the situation and that you expect them to watch out for your children. Talk to each of their teachers AND the janitorial staff. The janitors are always around and observing things. Ask the janitors if they could carry around compact cameras so if they see this guy, they can take a snapshot of him. That snapshot will be worth its weight in gold in court.

    4) Protect your husband. Your husband could be viewed as a roadblock to you. By killing your husband, this nutcase might think you're now available to date. What your husband needs to do is talk to his boss and co-workers. To get these individuals to keep an eye out for this jerk. If possible, see if they can have a camera handy around the workplace just in case the jerk swings by your husband's place of work.

    5) Get yourself a big dog and get it trained. All the psychotherapists I know have at least one big dog. Go to obedience school and make it YOUR dog. Sure, it's the family dog, but it needs to know that YOU are its true master. Travel with it everywhere you can. If you can, leave it in your car while you're working. Train it to search your house so that when you arrive home, you open the front door, it races through the house to sniff out strangers, and returns to you with its tail wagging when no one is in there. If you can afford it, have two dogs. One that travels with you and one that always stays at home. Most of the psychotherapists I know have two dogs just for this purpose. There are some dog school that train guard dogs and it might be worth your while to take them through that as well.

    6) Talk to your neighbors and ask for their help to keep an eye out for this guy and his car. Ask if they can keep a camera handy and take photographs of him/car if they see it.

    7) You should always carry around a camera. Ideally a digital compact video camera. Video carries more weight than still photographs in court. Also, you can narrate what you see as you shoot it. Whether it is a still camera or video camera, always have the time stamp on.

    8 ) Get your club to give cameras to their security. If he's stalking the back alleyway and they can take photographs of him doing so, that's pure gold in court. If he tries to get into the club again and security takes a photograph of him trying to enter, that's more gold in the bank.

    9) Now you're all set. Get the restraining order and hope he violates it. That's what we were told we're to hope for. With all the cameras and potential witnesses primed as outline above, you want him to step over the line. He does and you press charges right away. BAM! He's in jail. If you've got a good lawyer, he'll know what to say to the DA to get the stalker sent in for a psych evaluation.

    10) Make HIM move away. Here's where a really good lawyer comes in handy. With his arrest, you can now file a civil lawsuit against the stalker. Even though you'll ask for a ton of money from him in the lawsuit, you're not going for monetary compensation. You want your lawyer to use the civil lawsuit to pressure him to move far away. The further, the better. This is what you get when settling out of court. Included in that settlement is a HUGE automatic penalty if he ever sets foot in your state while he's still alive. Let him return after he's dead to be buried there, but not until then. This has been done time and time again by psychotherapists. However...

    11) If he refuses to move away, let the civil lawsuit go through and financially ruin him. Don't chicken out. However, what he's very likely intending is getting to you again. Be ready for it. Your lawyer should have convinced the DA to convince the judge to slap on a restraining order on him at his sentencing for when he gets released. If he refuses to move away, you need to plan to play the above game with him again and again. Each time he breaks the restraining order, you press charges with your photograph evidence and he goes away for longer and longer times. Eventually, they'll just throw away the key.

    Good luck. Play it safe. Be proactive. Nail his ass.
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  7. #32
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Pumpkin pie, I like it. I really do. But just how feasible is it? What are the chances that it could somehow turn around and Anais is painted as some theiving whore who doesn't go to church anymore? I think that plan might work better for a psychotherapist than a stripper. Plus now many people are getting involved which is not a bad thing, but what if it backfired with somehow 'the stripper deserved it?' or some such crap?


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  8. #33
    Veteran Member anais's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Thanks Pumpkin Pie for the detailed advice, but I'm still scared to go that route. But your mentioning the cameras made me realize that we do have a video camera on our parking lot that is adjoined to the alley, so hopefully they will have picked up him driving through there. I will ask my boss if he keeps the tapes and how long for. Maybe if I demonstrate to the police how persistent he is, they would tell him to stop being around there and that might scare him away. The last I knew, he was a teacher (SCARY) and I think he might be very afraid of losing his job if the police become involved. (Again though, I don't want to instigate him losing his job, because he would blame me for his problem.)

  9. #34
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Maybe your boss could file a restraining order to keep him away from the club? Maybe he could just say "Look, I don't like you and I don't ever wanna see you near my club again"


  10. #35
    alexislv
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    anais- you really need to document everything and get a restraining order. if this guy is really psycho he wont stop. yes i know that a r.o. is only a piece of paper but he is gonna do what he is gonna do and at the very least if god forbid he did something he will go to jail for alot longer if there is a restraining order in place than if there isnt one...if he isnt a total psycho he will be scared by the restraining order and stop stalking you. you need to contact the police...they are there to protect you...dont be afraid to tell them that you are a dancer, it DOESNT matter and if they wont do anything then get a lawyer or contact the media and make a big stink about it and I guarantee you they will make sure to help you then...This guy is totally playing mind games with you making you feel bad for reporting him...he is getting what he wants...you are scared and feeling bad for HIM! you need to think about YOU and not give a f*ck about what he thinks or feels...think of it this way, everything in life has consequences, whatever punishment or embarrasment he gets is what he deserves for stalking someone

  11. #36
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    I agree that documentation is imperative. But I do not agree that a restraining order is the answer. It could be. But again I stress that you, Anais, are the best judge if that's the proper route to take.

    Lena's story sounds all too familiar to me. Now that I think about it, I recall when I filed for my restraining order (against an ex who was threatening to kill me if I left him) he contested it in court heatedly. He did everything he could to refute what I said. He lied in court trying to make me sound like I was nutty and making things up even with my documentation (which was my notes on who said and did what on what date at what time)

    Melonie also brought up valid and all too real points. Other valid points have been made as well but I can't easily reflect on them because the thread is getting long.

    The police do not always protect you nor are they always there for you 24/7 especially for stripper vs. church going man.

    When I was being stalked by my ex I was advised by at least 3 different officers to get a gun and to learn how to use it. I think because aside from it being my American right, the cops know how some stalking cases end and that they can't magically be there exactly when we need them.

    I guess when you think about it, there are so many different actions we as victims could take.

    We could simply ignore (which should be done anyhow)

    We could file the R.O.

    We could just make police statements re: especially disturbing incidents

    We could have a well connected friend "handle" the problem

    We could fight fire with fire and stalk/harrass him annonymously via the computer by fucking up his credit or whatever else devious thing we could think of

    I'm sure there's others but can't think of them.

    I guess the bottom line is whoever is being stalked is truly the best judge if filing a R.O. is the best course of action to take. But then again, you really never know. Who wants to live in fear the rest of their life?

    I know my friend never thought she was going to be so violently and brutually murdered less than 24 hours after filing her restraining order. Neither did I or any of our friends/peers/coworkers.

    I really miss her and so do alot of my friends. :'( She didn't deserve to die that way. Nobody does.

    I think I'm done on the whole subject now. It's making me really sad. But I encourage everybody to keep contributing even if it's contradictory.

    I almost forgot because I don't think I mentioned it in this thread: My friends ex got exactly what he wanted. See, he cut his wrists before attacking her and he died either that night or the next day. I still ask God why couldn't she have lived and just let that miserable fucker die by himself?? :'(


  12. #37
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anais, at least let us know you're ok. No need for details but you've been a member for awhile and don't really post that frequently. Just let us know you're ok.


  13. #38
    Veteran Member anais's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Thank you. I will. I am going to go to get some advice from a group here called WomenStrength. They help women get out of abusive relationships and they will probably know more about our laws and how helpful the police actually are. I'll keep you posted.

  14. #39
    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anais,

    I'm sorry, but you're reacting like many new psychotherapists do.

    "If I did that, he'll flip out and kill me! Trust me I know! I was his shrink afterall!"

    "I cannot file a charge against her! She was a patient of mine afterall!"

    "What if my other patients found out that I put out a restraining order against one of them?! I might lose some of them!"

    And then there's the whole confidentiality thing that psychotherapists wrestle with.

    And, Sapphire, the cops aren't always sympathetic to psychotherapists. In fact, it is common for cops to BLAME the therapists. Many cops seem to think that the psychotherapists are at fault because they didn't catch and correct the stalker's mental problems before they went overboard. That the therapist didn't conduct themselve properly so the patient didn't warp into a stalker. That now they (the cops) have to clean up a mess caused by the therapist.

    And if all that wasn't bad enough, many therapists don't go to the cops because to do so is to admit failure as a psychotherapist. Too many psychotherapists have ended up dead because they were embarrassed that one of their patients went rogue on them and didn't report it to the cops and take the necessary steps to protect themselves. Afterall, therapists are to fix mental problems and not make them worse. The guilt literally kills a number of therapists each year ... because they didn't report a former-patient-turned-stalker to the cops.

    What my college did was bring in psychotherapists who had been stalked and let them tell their stories. One psychotherapist showed us (all seniors and psychology majors) her breasts. We got to see where the stalker tried to slash and stab her to death. It was not a pretty sight. Every single one that talked to us said the same thing over and over and over. Be proactive. Don't live your life in fear. Get a lawyer. Set a trap. Nail their asses. Get them off the street before they harm you or someone else.

    Anais, please understand the danger you're in. He's already shown he's fixed on you. PLEASE at least do Steps #1 through #8. I'm glad your club has video surveillance. Take advantage of it.

    However, given the new information of what you've told in this thread since my post, what I recommend is that you still do Step #1-#8, but also have that lawyer see if he can scare off the stalker without getting a r.o.. How the lawyer can do that is by visiting the stalker and pointing out that unless he stops stalking you, he'll be taken to court and that the lawyer will call in all of his (the stalker's) students, the parents of his students, his fellow teachers, his principal, and his superintendent of his school to testify as to his character. Now if your lawyer is a good little weasel, he'll get across how this will expose his behavior to all these people, hurt his relations with them, and likely cost him his job. It might be worth a try AFTER you've done Steps #1-8 and before going as far as Step #9.

    And I second the thoughts of Sapphire. Post regularly. If only to let us know you're OK. Take care.
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  15. #40
    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Restraining Orders

    Anais, I'm seriously wishing that this situation will work itself out somehow without a tragic ending. However, from the tone of your posts here I get the clear impression that you are not accepting the true DANGER which you and your family members may be facing. I have to agree with Pumpkin and others that you seriously need to be pro-active in this situation, and not just play "Ostrich" hoping that the problem will somehow go away.

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