This forum is unique for this, and this has been weighing on my mind for a long time. One of my best freinds was a stripper, and we were freinds for a long time. For the last year (march 02 to april 03 we were inseperable) Both of us were party people in NYC, and took a lot of illegal things. Well, eventually we were hooked on heroin. She, worse than I. I decided to get her cleaned up, and spent close to 15000 in a rapid detox proceedure, coupled with a ton of medication (naltrexone, zyprexa, clonadine, celexa, ativan, etc etc). I was able to go cold turkey without any major problems. Then we moved in together, and were clean...For a time. Oh, we were also planning on getting married, as well. We did love each other, but I loved her a little more, if you catch my drift. Anyway, we started to dabble again, and before we knew it, we were both full fledged junkies, tracks and all. I kept trying to quit. Probably 30 times I tried. She wasnt making money anymore, and that made it even more difficult, because I was basically supporting EVERYTHING. Food, rent, clothes, all of it. And I did so for a long time. My cards were maxed out, and I noticed I was doing more and more D, indirectly hoping I would OD, and not have to deal anymore. (I also declared bankruptcy last summer... 40000 to my CC's) So finally, last May, I moved out. I told her over and over she would have to move elsewhere, for probably 2 months before I left. She would not really try. Instead she squatted there. I tried to get her to quit and go on methadone, but it wasnt working. So I moved out, swearing to quit, which I did. I went through horrible withdrawal the next day, and ended up being taken to the hospital, where I spent 7 days in a locked detox unit. I freaking cried when they finally gave me the methadone. She remained at the old apartment, and finally went on methadone. I split from detox, and over that summer I slipped and quit several more times, and finally on November 7, I fixed for the last time. No detox, no methadone, no medication, no support groups. All by myself. I had to move out of NYC. Thats how bad it was. So now, I am haunted by the last couple years. I tried really hard to save her, despite my own problem. I thought my love would be enough, but it wasnt. But still, I cant help but think I abandoned her, and that I could have done something more. Anything more. But I was just so burnt out, that I didnt think I could do it anymore. I mean I could barely save myself. It was say goodbye, or die basically. Im not being dramatic. I worry about her a lot, and have no idea what happened to her. The last time I saw her was in September. So am I an asshole? Did I do enough? Or did I do the right thing in saving myself? Maybe my fate was to OD on a speedball, and I am on borrowed time since I beat the odds (so far). I just hate the feeling, and I need some validation, or some bricks thrown at my head. At least I will know one way or another. Sorry so long. I had to talk. Thanks ladies. Down with house fees!


Reply With Quote





Bookmarks