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Thread: Was I Wrong?

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    Default Was I Wrong?

    This forum is unique for this, and this has been weighing on my mind for a long time. One of my best freinds was a stripper, and we were freinds for a long time. For the last year (march 02 to april 03 we were inseperable) Both of us were party people in NYC, and took a lot of illegal things. Well, eventually we were hooked on heroin. She, worse than I. I decided to get her cleaned up, and spent close to 15000 in a rapid detox proceedure, coupled with a ton of medication (naltrexone, zyprexa, clonadine, celexa, ativan, etc etc). I was able to go cold turkey without any major problems. Then we moved in together, and were clean...For a time. Oh, we were also planning on getting married, as well. We did love each other, but I loved her a little more, if you catch my drift. Anyway, we started to dabble again, and before we knew it, we were both full fledged junkies, tracks and all. I kept trying to quit. Probably 30 times I tried. She wasnt making money anymore, and that made it even more difficult, because I was basically supporting EVERYTHING. Food, rent, clothes, all of it. And I did so for a long time. My cards were maxed out, and I noticed I was doing more and more D, indirectly hoping I would OD, and not have to deal anymore. (I also declared bankruptcy last summer... 40000 to my CC's) So finally, last May, I moved out. I told her over and over she would have to move elsewhere, for probably 2 months before I left. She would not really try. Instead she squatted there. I tried to get her to quit and go on methadone, but it wasnt working. So I moved out, swearing to quit, which I did. I went through horrible withdrawal the next day, and ended up being taken to the hospital, where I spent 7 days in a locked detox unit. I freaking cried when they finally gave me the methadone. She remained at the old apartment, and finally went on methadone. I split from detox, and over that summer I slipped and quit several more times, and finally on November 7, I fixed for the last time. No detox, no methadone, no medication, no support groups. All by myself. I had to move out of NYC. Thats how bad it was. So now, I am haunted by the last couple years. I tried really hard to save her, despite my own problem. I thought my love would be enough, but it wasnt. But still, I cant help but think I abandoned her, and that I could have done something more. Anything more. But I was just so burnt out, that I didnt think I could do it anymore. I mean I could barely save myself. It was say goodbye, or die basically. Im not being dramatic. I worry about her a lot, and have no idea what happened to her. The last time I saw her was in September. So am I an asshole? Did I do enough? Or did I do the right thing in saving myself? Maybe my fate was to OD on a speedball, and I am on borrowed time since I beat the odds (so far). I just hate the feeling, and I need some validation, or some bricks thrown at my head. At least I will know one way or another. Sorry so long. I had to talk. Thanks ladies. Down with house fees!

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    Featured Member krys's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    Hope you feel a little better to be able to get that off your chest, this site is good for that
    I believe that you can't truely help or love another person until you know how to love and care for yourself so I think you did the right thing. Moving away to sort out yourself probably gave her a bit of a reality check too, removing yourself from the situation may have been the wake up call she needed. I think you can only do so much for a person and the rest is in their hands, unfortunately love always isn't enough. Its the old saying... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. It seems like you did the only thing you could do at the time, and you should stop beating yourself up about it.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    No one can really tell you if what you did was right or wrong, especially without knowing much about her or her character.

    For some people, what you did would absolutely be the best thing possible and the only way to lead her on the road to recovery. Many addicts can't possibly be helped until they hit ROCK bottom, which means full-on destitution and being totally alone, abandoned and hit bottom. It may seem cruel, but for a lot of local addicts of this personality type, it's been the only way.

    For others, there is no way they can get out of their rut without severe and constant corrective pressure from an outside source. They need to be coddled and managed daily, as well as taken to/from rehab and have someone to obtain and administer their medications. They lack the motivation source to do this for themselves and need someone else to provide that for them.

    Either way, it sounds like you may want to book a mini-vacation to NY sometime soon in order to clear your own conscience over what has happened to her. Many times when we lose touch with those we love, our minds create absolutely horrible scenarios that will haunt us over time. It would likely be very therapeutic if you could head over and hunt her down- and given the relatively short time span since your last contact, tracing her steps shouldnt be too much work.. but a year or two down the road, this could be quite a bit more difficult.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    God/dess Lexi's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I think you did the best thing as well. I dont think your an asshole at all...letting her kill herself in your place and allowing it to go on would have been the worst. I am sure you;d regret that more than you coming clean and all.
    Take care of yourself and know that you did the right thing. You helped yourself and tried to help her but she didnt want the help. Remember the asying that people will only help themselves if they WANT to, as you did.
    Good luck

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I agree with krys. There is just so much you can do, and really nothing you can do if you are in a situation yourself. I disagree that you should go back and hunt her down. That may be worse for you than anything - if she's in a worse situation than before, you will feel guilty; also from the what I read, hooking up with her again could even lead to your own slipping again. I'd stay away. Best way to save yourself from a situation like that is to get and stay away from all those influences, including and especially the people you were involved with. She is responsible for herself. It is not your job to save her.

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  6. #6
    Featured Member Fawn's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    You tried, that was the best you could do. You had to save your self. And isn't there a famouse quote I believe by janis joplin " You are all you've got". Not that I agree with that quote but you looked out for her and she wasn't looking out for either of you, you did what you had to do.
    " Remember during each test there is some girl in Australia jealous of you who wants to do what you're doing."- Lilithmorrigan

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    Veteran Member foxee555's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I know from personal experience how you feel. I've been with 2 junkies in my life (one my 1st love, the other my 2nd). The first one was the first I got high with (in his defense, he was against it. I insisted on being involved in that part of his life). When the time came, as it always does, that we were sick and broke enough... I began to formulate a plan to get us into a normal life. I guess it sounded good in theory to him. But, as soon as things looked like they were getting on track, he decided to head on ever to his exes house on share some dope and bodily fluids for old times sake. Well, that was the beginning of a drawn out breakup wrought with anger, guilt, desperation ect.
    Then after a couple years had passed in waltzes junkie #2. He was charming and made very light of the fact that he was on methadone. Well, 2 weeks later if we weren't at the clinic before it closed, we were driving to the spot to get a little hook-up to "tide him over". Once again, after some time passed, "we" decided "we" needed to get our shit together, square up some loose ends, and follow the yellow brick road to a better life. Yeah, right. A few days before the completion of my 2wks. notice at job and house were complete, guess who's out carousing with HIS EX?!! Yeah... so again anger, betrayal, guilt ect. This time I really wanted to die. I didn't eat or sleep for 3wks. Drank and did my hoover impression on all the blow I could get my hands on. All my saved $ gone, and 15lbs lighter I started on my next plan.....
    I won't go into all the aftermath. But, now I'm in another part of the world. Surrounding myself with healthy, motivated people and living with the true love of my life (a smart successful military guy who has NEVER tried drugs).
    I don't miss my ex-boyfriends and I don't feel sorry for them. Like you, I tried to help them to my own detriment. From these experiences I really think some people lose a fundamental part of themselves to addiction. You can either think of them in the good times or not at all. Going back is a surefire way to ruin all you've worked to achieve. It's sad but some people can't be helped. I don't say this to make you upset or angry. Just know that you're not the only one. And focus on all the positive things you've accomplished. You walked through the fire. Don't look back.
    I am lazy and I like to party


  8. #8
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I am slowly watching my sister die from booze. She lives on it. I tried years ago to save her, it was a fight, i thought about baker acting her, but she has many warrants, and i fear for her life inside jail. Suicide.

    We have to understand they have the power over their bodies and can do anything they want to themselves. We can't change a person, not even with love, they have to want to change.

    Walking away may hurt very very bad, but i believe in doing so you saved your own life!

    Good for you. Think about her, go through the anger and all. But take care of you. Remember she chose drugs over you. She knows how to go about stopping for you, and will not. Try your best to move on. How can you let a person down if they don't want to be picked up? You did not let her down, but saved you!!!!

    Pamela

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    Sorry, but I have few sympathies for addicts. I don't want to go into why, but let's just say I've had to deal with them where I didn't have a choice in the matter. Because I saw what happens to them, I've never done anything that might lead me to that horrible fate. Today, I don't associate with addicts at all.

    If you've just HAVE to know what happened to her, hire a private detective and let them find out for you. Don't you go back to NYC ... ever. The best thing you can do for yourself is not even hire a private detective and just let that life continue to fade away. Move on with your life. Make it something worth living. You cannot save the world, but you can save yourself.

    Lastly, NEVER get into a relationship with an addict or a former addict again. You have an addictive personality and when you associate with another that has that, you're just asking for trouble. I don't care if she's perfect in all other ways. If she is or was an addict, pass on her. That might sound harsh and/or cold-hearted, but that's exactly what you should do if you don't want to be an addict again. Find someone that has always been clean and start a life with them.

    Good luck.
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  10. #10
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I strongly disagree. Many people in this world at one time had problems with drugs of all sorts. They get help, stay clean for the rest of their life. They are not tainted. One former addict getting to know another former addict is great! They support each other through life. They can relate. Not all, actually very few ever get involved in drugs again.

    I work around alot of addicts, and see this first hand. These people don't need to be blocked out from the ones who call themselves "normal." They have a heart, and went down the wrong road once, they are just like us.

    A recovered addict does not mean disaster, even for two formers to get together. We all have baggage, carry it, and deal with it.

    Thats life! Thunmbs up to ALL recovering and recovered!

    Hell, don't isolate, accept them.

    Bad spelling day again :o

    Pamela

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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    I am grateful to you all. Your comments have really touched me. Not many people REALLY know about my life in the underground, and theres not a lot of people who would even understand. I certainly dont look like a junkie, I break the stereotype there, and if you told me 5 years ago that I would actually be shooting heroin, I would have dismissed you as being completely crazy. I was honestly worried that I would in fact get 'bricks thrown at my head', but as I said, at least I would know. Heh, maybe I do need a few bricks thrown...Wait, no, just kidding! This, obviously was better, and I can hopefully start to let some of my guilt (albeit misplaced) start to go. I agree completely about not going back to NYC, and trying to find her. Bridgette is exactly 100 percent right. The last time I saw her, she didnt look good. And she is a beautiful girl. She was too thin, and her face wasnt looking good at all. I dont want to see her looking like that, and I really dont want to be drawn back into that whole deal. I would feel guilty, and I might slip. I hope I wouldnt, but hell ,who am I trying to kid?? Of course, Im curious, but I think I know better. especially now that theres no more D floating through my bloodstream. Still, though. I wish I didnt care so much sometimes, you know? And I know that sounds like bullshit... Especially caring about all the wrong people!! It would make life a hell of a lot easier. Oh well, I guess. Ya play with the hand youre dealt! Thank you all for your comments, and good wishes thusfar. Youve made an old dilletante feel a little better!

    >>And thank you for your words, Pamela, because I do feel somewhat tainted. Damaged even, and sometimes, for that reason I feel like I cant really love or even be loved by anyone anymore. I hope thats not the case, becauce I know love feels really good! I guess I still need a little more time for my old life to fade a little...Oh, and Bridgette, your 'Moooo!' cartoon is hilarious. I keep chuckling about it.

  12. #12
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    Also if we are not living with our friends/family 24/7, we can never know if one is not a addict. These people are great at hiding their addiction until they can no longer control themselves, then they reached a point where they need help. Other peoples help. Sometimes our help. Not all addicts are in denial, or slip back into the lifestyle again.

    I am trained to help people, even if it is an ear, or getting a lifeline etc. involved. To me no one is hopeless.

    Pamela

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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    Ice, you did exactly the correct thing. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships. Each one helps the other out , not lean on the other as a crutch.
    The both of you need help with your problems but the point is , neither of you is really effectively helping the other pull out of the situation. You tend to drag each other down rather than help the other up.
    Concentrate on your own problems. She will have to deal with hers on her own. There usually is a stronger member in a relationship but that stronger one has to be powerful enough to pull the other up without being sucked down themselves.

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    Pamela,

    I was addressing just Ice's situation and my advice to not associate with addicts or former addicts was specific to him. He's already shown that doing so is a problem. In a follow-up reply, he freely admits that could be again. He also knows he has a problem with substance abuse and is willing to do dramatic things to get out of that life. He doesn't have to rescue anyone else from addiction but just keep himself clean. And associating with addicts or former addicts is just tempting fate for him. Since he has shown he's willing to do what was needed to keep himself clean, my advice was to help him stay that way.

    As for others associating and helping addicts, that's a different matter.
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    Featured Member SCGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:Was I Wrong?

    *throwing brick*

    *plop!*

    *hugs and smiles*
    "You did then what you knew how to do; when you knew better, you did better" ~Maya Angelou

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