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Thread: Being a supportive boyfriend

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    Default Being a supportive boyfriend

    I was surprised when one day I found hair extensions and a gym bag of clothes and shoes in the trunk of my long time girlfriends car. She stated that it belonged to her sister and that she herself wasnt a stripper. Soon after that I learned from her step father that she indeed had been stripping behind my back for a couple of months. She finally came clean and assured me that the place she was working was a clean, upscale, gentlemen's club where there is no contact and that I had nothing to worry about. She felt that she was still being faithful and apologized for lying for fear that I would not understand.
    Then other guys numbers began to show up in her phone and guys would call her at 2-3 in the morning. This is something that I really dont understand.
    So here I am in a position where the girl that I love is doing something that I dont entirely agree with. I have asked her if she could work somewhere else and she gets really defensive. She says she still loves me and that the only reason she is doing this is to pay off some debt....and buy $300 shoes but thats an entirely different story all together.
    Does anyone have any advice for me? Or, has anyone else been in this kind of situation before? What can I expect? How can I help her and what does she need from me at this point in her life?

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    My advice....get out.

    She is dishonest with you. Why would you want to be with a girl that could lie to you?

    And there is only one reason why guys call at 2 and 3 in the morning, and it's not to have a quiet dinner. As for paying off debt and splurging, I do that too, but also I don't see myself getting out of dancing anytime soon!

  3. #3
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    First you are going to have to get past the lies. Talk about it more in depth. Has she lied about many things to you before? If so this could be a pattern. One you don't want to follow.

    As for the calls, ask why. Are the calls right after work (her shift) and is she telling them she will be working the following evening?

    You really should take her to a quiet place and have a "heart to heart." She may have meant well, and was waiting to tell you soon. We don't know.

    The decision is up to you of course, but PEOPLE do change. If she loves you she WILL change. But not her whole life, just make some adjustments for the both of you.

    Otherwise like Emily said, get out. Good luck.

    Pamela

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    God/dess Malibu's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    Pea tear, I am in agreement with Pamela. Your girlfriend owes it to you to sit you down and for both of you to talk about EVERYTHING together. The thing is, this does not guarantee to solve any hurt feelings, but maybe open both of your eyes. It will help you guys be more honest and if possible, start afresh with no secrets from one another.

    I know girls at work that let guys call a mobile number which is just work related e.g. to let them know their timetable, so it may not be that she is cheating but this issue must be discussed because this may not be the case.

    Good luck and I hope things work out for you both.
    You are the envy
    of all parallel lines that
    dream of curves and convergence
    - Sara Bailey: Sieve of Words

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    Featured Member scorpio's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    alot of guys get all bent out of shape when their GF's start dancing, so she may have been afraid to just tell you. You kneed to tell her that you support her, but that she needs to tell you and be open with you about everything about it-including the calls. Let her know that sugar daddy's and such are part of the deal, but in no way will you tolerate lies or "after hours connections" If she continues to lie, after the talk, dump her.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    Well, I can't speak for you, but if I were in your shoes- I'm with Emily. I'd definately work to get out of this relationship.

    It's not so much that she wanted to strip, or even that she tried it out without prior knowledge or discussion... it's the hair extensions cover-up job. What's next- the condoms you find are her brothers? The only thing she has done is prove that she's capable of lieing to you to your face. This means anything she tries to explain from this point forward will leave you hesitant and untrusting at best.

    You sound like a SUPER supportive guy. You deserve much better. Don't waste it on this woman that wouldn't give you the benefit of the doubt, and then further ruined things by directly lieing to you after the fact.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    Thanks polecat. I thought I was being harsh about dumping a girl for a lie, but I would do that to a guy...and this is a big lie.

    Honesty is so important. I don't get why people find it acceptable that a significant other lies to them. To me, it's very important to not question my boyfriend. I want to take for granted that everything he says is true, and if lies once, I worry from then on. I don't have time to find out the truth and I certainly don't have the energy to be hurt over a lie....so, NEXT!

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    Featured Member ami's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    yeah, if she lied to you about that she might lie some more...

    was she danceing before you started dateing or did she start afterward? if she was daceing before then she might not have wanted to tell a new boyfriend what her job was for fear of scareing you off. if she started after you were already dateing then she should have come to you and talked FIRST!.

    haveing guys numbers is one thing.. haveing them in a phone? i do know girls who get bored at work and call thier regulars in to "keep them company" aka spend some money. but only at work. but for these guys to call at 3am? thats fishy. does she leave after they call? if so leave her.

    i am married. my husband knew i danced when he asked me to marry him. after we got married, we moved and i asked him if he would mind if i danced. he said as long as its not too close to home so his co-workers dont recegnize me as that could cause problems for him. he trusts me and i respect him. it works great.

    dateing a stripper is hard. being a stripper and haveing a normal life is hard too. talk with her. if you dont think you can trust her, leave. but if you think she was just scared keep trying.

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    I really don't have much to say about this. My kid's mom didn't want to tell me she was dancing because she thought I'd bail on her. She didn't directly lie, she just didn't tell me.

    Now as far as calls at 3am go, I'd sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her about those calls. No woman shouldn't expect her man to be pissed and a little jealous about some guy calling her at 3am. If they continue, say, another few days after the heart-to-heart she'd be looking for another boyfriend. One thing I can't handle is cheating, and that's a MAJOR sign of it, as well as stupidity, since she's giving her # out when she knows you'll be home to answer the pnone, which brings me to my last point...

    How certain are you that it's not on purpose... Women are usually crafty, glib fibbers, and adept at subterfuge (I know this will get me creamed here, but that has been my experience), when one does something this stupid, she's either not cheating on you or she's cheating on you and not trying to hide it. If she's not trying to hide it, then she probably wants to end the relationship. In which case, she evidently likes you as a guy and would rather you be pissed at her after a break-up than hurt by her in a break-up (You seem like a decent enough fellow).

    Could she be sending you some major signals, here?

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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    Thanks for the replies, everyone! My girlfriend got into town yesterday and her and I have been spending some quality time together.
    I am formulating the best way to begin an open discussion with her about my concerns. I have read all your posts and I appreciate the input. I may even tell her that I posted here so she knows that I want to take an active role in solving our problem.
    Just to add some more info to the discussion here: She didnt start dancing until we had been together a couple of years. Her sister and a lot of her friends had been doing it for years. I always knew that she was envious of the lifestyle that her friends and sister were able to live. Also, my girlfriend has always given me the impression that she has a negative self image. I can tell, after only a short amount of time, that the positive reinforcement she receives (verbal, monetary, emotional, etc) at the club has affected her. Before I noticed the gym bag in the trunk, she had already begun to exibit a swagger about herself and was talking differently. She was also buying me lots of cool stuff for no reason...which was kinda cool.
    I've heard stories about the crazy things that her club friends get into. I've heard about some of them getting into trouble with drugs (the really bad kind) or people stalking them. I worry about her getting involved in things like that. I also worry that she may turn into a person who I no longer love. She is a very impressionable person and while she is an adult, she lacks the level of maturity to deal with the kinds of extremes that go with the club.
    Would it be healthier for our relationship if, after we have the talk, I agree to trust her decision and leave that part of her life alone? Should I make an effort to incorporate that part of her life into mine? Do I show up at the club with my friends and spend money on her and her friends as a symbol of my support? what if she wants me nowhere near the club? I could go either way on this one. part of me wants to be around her all the time to make sure she is 'safe'. Another part of me is resentful and wants nothing to do with this side of her.

  11. #11
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    You said it hun. You can not follow this person around and baby sit. She is an adult. You don't like her job. She is not stopping it seems. You and her both need to ask yourselves, what is more important right now, your relationship or her job, which is tearing you up.

    You can't be her saviour, she does not need one anyway. I know it must hurt, but the longer this goes on, the more it will hurt.

    It's a tough call, i mean damn people lie! we all have. But if you don't like the life she is living now, move on. You will thank yourself later for your decision to do so.

    I see (probably) problems popping up if you continue with her on her terms. If she loved you she should respect your feelings. Quiting? I can't say that. Hell i did not. But.....Don't baby sit her. And worry yourself sick.

    Some guys just don't want this type of relationship. Then they move on.

    Lotsa luck,

    Pamela

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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    She wasn't up front with you in the beginning. You obviously have communication problems. Ask her to share her experiences with you. If she remains withholding information crucial to the relationship then confront her and lay down the law. Relationships do not exist where partners withhold the truth from each other.

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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    As the S.O. of a dancer (and a S.c Dj) I can tell you it's hard to be supportive some days, other days (like when she hasn't busted her ass all day with the nastiest lookin guys on the planet wanting to get dances from her) it's pretty simple.
    Of course I was partially responsible (to blame?lol) for my wife becoming a dancer, I had seen what girls were making and knew she was a strong enough woman to handle it(not to mention how erotic it is watching her work a stage,but thats a whole different story).
    When she first started out I had one simple request.. don't bring home numbers I dont want to see them. Of course i still found numbers but I trusted her enough to know she wasnt doing anything behind my back, and she NEVER gave out our home number so I was cool about it. I simply set her up an email address and print her business cards on a weekly basis so if customers want to know her schedule of see pics of her they have a way to do it so our privacy is never disturbed.
    If I was in your shoes I would want to know if I was lied to about anything else and then I/we would try to work thru it.

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    Senior Member zoey's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    a girl who buys $300 shoes is crazy! get out while you still can! lol
    but no i would say sit down and talk with her, but im also worried that she has lied to you i say once a lier always a lier

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re:Being a supportive boyfriend

    I agree with Zoey..once a liar always a liar !

    Good luck,
    Farrah
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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