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Thread: threesome? Help!

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    Veteran Member sandi_g's Avatar
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    Default threesome? Help!

    Having only had two sex experiences (me), my fiancee recently had a talk with me that if I was ever interested in having sex with someone else, it would be OK with him if I told him about it first. He said he wants to be able to do the same with me, if he ever found a girl that he wanted to "just try out".

    I understand his thinking in wanting to keep our relationship honest and open, but when I decided to marry this man it was because I found the only one I ever want to be with, and it worries me that he made this "rule" because he will (or does) want to have sexy with other women.

    Also, soon after he brought this up to me, he told me that he would like to have a threesome with me and another girl (not yet chosen). He said he would love to see me with another girl (which I don't mind), but that he would also want to fuck her. I see that this way I'm involved, but it still really bothers me. Especially the idea of watching my soon-to-be husband fucking another woman.

    Am I over reacting? How would you ladies feel?

    P.S. (He's already extremely experienced)


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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by sandi_g link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97391#msg97391 date=1082052824
    I see that this way I'm involved, but it still really bothers me.
    Your answer lies within the part in bold. If it bothers you, you shouldn't have to compromise.

    Open/swinging relationships aren't for everyone. Very few people can deal with them and still maintain the same healthy balance in their relationship. If you have reservations, you need to iron these out with your guy pronto and if you feel at all bullied into this, maybe he's not the right guy for you.

    That being said, open relationships CAN be very good for relationships if both partners are into it and can manage it. More often than not though, it does tear couples apart in the long run.

    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    Veteran Member Boobie Monster's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    First I want to say that I am NOT suggesting that your fiancée is in anyway a bad person... he is being honest and there is a ton to be said for that.

    It may be cold feet as you approach the wedding date, it may just be who he is, whatever...

    What he did in this case, however, is very underhanded and manipulative. Instead of telling you his wants/desires, he seems to have phrased it like he was doing you a favor. He isn't.

    Personally, I love "group events". And if he wants to participate in him, and you are interested, that's great. They can be an incredible amount of fun if everyone is into it and can relax and enjoy themselves.

    But if you are not interested in seeing your future husband have sex with someone else, you won't enjoy yourself. The emotions that you will experience will range from insecurity to jealousy to anger to indignation.

    Allowing other people into your bed is something that couples either love, or don't recover from. Make the choice: which it will be for you - and stick to it. Don't let him change your mind, if you decide that you don't want to. If he threatens that he will stray, or otherwise manipulates you into participating, reconsider who you think he is.

    I suggest that you tell him you will think about it... and give him a realistic timeframe, like a month. He's been this long without another woman - he can make it a month to be sure he isn't destroying his future marriage.

    Then really do think about it. Consider it when you are fantasizing... does it turn you on? Just be honest with yourself about whether or not you want to do this. About whether or not you think you will enjoy yourself.

    If you think that you will have fun: HAVE A BLAST!!!

    I suspect that you won’t change your mind about this though:
    “Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer and don’t like it.”
    If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
    -George Bernard Shaw

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    He does want to be with other women, and I am almost 99% sure that he has been. Heh. He's telling you that flat-out hon, by saying he wants to have a threesome and fuck the other girl. If you only want him, and you don't want to share, then look elsewhere, because we all know that you can't change anyone. I would NEVER trust the guy for a monogamous relationship. My advice would be for you to bail now....

    Now in my postion, this kind of thing would backfire. Mainly because an open relationship to me would be perfect. Get my rocks off, and have a mate? It would be a pissing contest to see who could get the most on-the-side action.... lol. If you do decide to take his approach, go out and get some girl!!! Don't let him have all the fun! And I'm talking hot men too, not just the girl-girl thang! Swinging would be fun too!

    If you just want a monogamous relationship, give it up with this guy. If you don't agree to it, he will just do it behind your back. And there's how it is.... Sorry to burst your bubble, hon.

    If you do decide to stay with him and try to control his wandering desires, I would suggest you do some spying, especially at the bachelor party. You'll catch him...

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    God/dess Malibu's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    I know with some couples, this is a mutual thing, but if it isn't in your case, you gotta try and find out what's going on.

    Chances are that he could be pushing this on you for a long time so really think about it...can you handle it? Here are my pros and cons:

    My Pros:

    You get to try new flavours and tricks which you can later use for yourself when together to spice things up in the bedroom.

    It always assures you that things will never get boring. It is a great way to meet people and assure yourself that you have what it takes to lure the opposite (and the same!) sex. This can be good because I understand that in some couples, one of them after a while tends to feel unsexy and likes to know if they still *have it*.

    You can relive your fantasies or share other people's. It's a good way to bond!

    It can also be horny as hell to watch your partner give a proper seeing to to another person (but maybe that's just my taste )

    My Cons:

    Risk of STDs, this is my biggest worry!!!

    Your partner may lose sight of the important things. No successful relationship is based all on sex. You gotta ask yourself this HONESTLY - will it affect your relationship badly?

    You do not want any partners to start getting too attached or stalking you or your man!! (lol!)

    You do not want them to become attracted to someone else or start shagging another person that you are afraid they are genuinely attracted to.


    I am happy he approached you first. I admire honesty, but I think your feelings on this are paramount. Please have a sit down. I'm curious to hear what others have to say...

    Good luck!!
    You are the envy
    of all parallel lines that
    dream of curves and convergence
    - Sara Bailey: Sieve of Words

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    Senior Member celeste_63's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    My boyfriend says that since he is cool with me kissing girls, I should be cool with him kissing girls other than me at parties. He says that he should be able to do what he wants even when I am around because in the end he's "going home with me." It bugs the shit out of me but honestly we haven't been together that long and it's true I do kiss a lot of girls and I'm not ready to give that privilege up yet.

    Maybe you could put it to your fiance this way: you are ok with him sleeping around with girls is he doesn't complain when you sleep around with guys. That should put it into perspective for him.

    Jealousy and possessiveness are traits of people who are insecure. Well fine then call me insecure. But I remember how loved I felt when I had a boyfriend last year who didn't want me to kiss anybody else, guy or girl, except him.

    Infidelity is infidelity, and I would honestly be kinda pissed if my significant other was encouraging me to sleep with someone else. If he wants to experiment then he should break up with you because it's not fair for him to expect you to sit by and watch while he finishes sowing his wild oats.

    There are some mental images that even love cannot erase. Do you really want to watch him be with another girl? That doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me. It's one thing to know and accept your partner's past. We all have a past, but if he is ready to commit himself to you he should be happy to forsake casual sex in favor of a commited, MONOGAMOUS relationship.

    I suspect he is using your curiosity of girl-girl sex as an excuse to fuck around.
    "When I squinted the world seemed rose-tinted and angels appeared to descend; to my surprise with half-closed eyes things looked even better than when they were opened!"

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    Featured Member tragic-beauty's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by sandi_g link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97391#msg97391 date=1082052824
    Having only had two sex experiences (me), my fiancee recently had a talk with me that if I was ever interested in having sex with someone else, it would be OK with him if I told him about it first. He said he wants to be able to do the same with me, if he ever found a girl that he wanted to "just try out".

    I understand his thinking in wanting to keep our relationship honest and open, but when I decided to marry this man it was because I found the only one I ever want to be with, and it worries me that he made this "rule" because he will (or does) want to have sexy with other women.

    Also, soon after he brought this up to me, he told me that he would like to have a threesome with me and another girl (not yet chosen). He said he would love to see me with another girl (which I don't mind), but that he would also want to fuck her. I see that this way I'm involved, but it still really bothers me. Especially the idea of watching my soon-to-be husband fucking another woman.

    Am I over reacting? How would you ladies feel?

    P.S. (He's already extremely experienced)

    MY hubsand recenly had this fantasy about me screwing other men.. I SWARE i have no idea where the hell he came up with this.. he use to be very jealous but now he wwasnts me to have sex with other guys so he can watch.. im sure if it happens itll end up wit him sleeping with women. Dont let him pressure you into doing anyhing.. because its you that will feel bad afterwards.. or guilty.. or ashamed..


    And he WILL probably keep pushing the subject.. I finially told my man that either he stfu's about it or he will end up with another child support payment

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    Veteran Member Weluckyfew's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Sandi,
    i know you asked for the ladies' opinion, but if you don't mind my jumping in -

    I agree with others, from what you've said the way he approached is was very manipulative ("If YOU want us to fool around, that'd be great!")

    If he's itching to be with other people now (when you've only been together a relatively short time) what's it going to be like after 5, 10, 15 years of marriage? You two really need to have some deep discussions on the nature of your relationship, before you get married. A person doesn't just bring this up out of the blue I guarantee he's been thinking about it (not saying he has or would ever cheat on you, but there are obviously thoughts there)

    A lot of people have open relationships, but those are very difficult to make work, and impossible to make work if one of you isn't really in to it. Maybe if you two explore what an open relationship would mean you'd both decide that's not what you want.

    You are not overreacting, this is a very, very large issue. This is huge, because unless it's explored through communication you don't know where it will lead - does it start with "I can have sex with her if you're in the room" and then lead to "I can have sex as long as you know her, I can have sex as long as I tell you at least a week in advance, I can have sex with her as long as blah blah blah

    " -- sounds ridiculous but my female roommate just ended a relationship that went that way --they agreed to not have sex with other people unless they talked about first, so he, on Valentine's Night, get's a blowjob in a parking lot. he thought it was OK because " head isn't sex."

    Maybe you should both read about the subject. this site has input from people who have had successful, and disastrous, open relationships :

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    Veteran Member alexisgold97's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    I agree 100% with Polecat on this. I was in a marrige and we participated in a swingers lifestyle. i feel you have to have a very trusting, loving and compassionate relationship with yourself and each other for this to be successful. In my case this was the catalyst in a very violent, sexually abusive relationship.

    Be true to yourself and be sure not to do anything your not comfortable with.
    Wellspring of energy
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    Tap it and be sustained.
    Channel, and it will speak.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    I agree with erotictonic. I've been in every aspect of your predicament, including the other woman.....nice try buddy! Stripperweb sistas to the rescue!!

    Personally, I do know some good men who are faithful to their ladies, or are at least discreet. He is not being a gentleman, you know what you need to do......

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
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    Veteran Member Adina's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    If you aren't comfortable with it, trust your instincts. Don't let him bulldoze you into doing something you don't want to do.

    Oddly enough, I am a believer in monogamous relationships. Every couple I've ever met who had a so-called "open relationship" were completely dysfunctional and co-dependent. I've never encountered an open relationship that wasn't heavily in favor of one person over the other. There is always someone literally waiting at home looking out the window for their partner while the other is out there f*cking somebody else.

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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    I agree with polecat too, if it bothers you now it will only get worse of you do it. I am bi and Drew and I have a very open relationship where myself and females are concerned and have had a few threesomes. The one thing we have stuck to is no penetration by him in anyone else but myself and I believe that is what has kept our heads on an straight about it.

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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tragic-Beauty link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97414#msg97414 date=1082057461


    MY hubsand recenly had this fantasy about me screwing other men.. I SWARE i have no idea where the hell he came up with this.. he use to be very jealous but now he wwasnts me to have sex with other guys so he can watch.. im sure if it happens itll end up wit him sleeping with women.
    TB, what is he...nuts??

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Featured Member SCGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Dammit, I HATE going against the grain on here....BUT...

    I was in a very similar position last year. My boyfriend and I decided that we were going to "experiment" with other people--our sex life had become boring and we wanted to spice it up. So, since we were in London, we took a special trip to the Netherlands and went to a very famous swingers club (www.fun4two.com --if you're into swinging, this is THE place to go!). He talked me into it--I didn't want to go originally--but then I got excited by the idea. Long story short, we "swapped" with a very lovely couple that we met there. I watched my bf have sex with another woman and it didn't bother me. However, the fact that all of his attention was spent on her, pissed me the hell off. Her husband, however, knew enough to pay attenion to both of us. The whole thing created a lot of bad feelings. I was resentful that he pressured me into it and that he paid ALL his attention to her (I didn't expect him to spend all of his time with me, but a look in my direction would have been nice--seesh--I got NOTHING from him, even when she was with her husband!). He felt bad afterwards too. He decided it wasn't something he really wanted (moral conflicts), he felt guilty about the way he treated me, and he was worried about STD's he might have contracted (their condom broke--which, I might add, I never knew and he didn't tell me about until LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!).

    My point, I guess, is that, honestly, I'm glad we did it. We both learned that it wasn't our cup of tea (although I'd still be up for it with the right person! ). It was a temporary thing--he got it into his head that he wanted to try it and he wouldn't have been satisfied until he tried it, ya know?!

    HOWEVER!!!!....He and I chose to do this partially because we were not experienced. We had only slept with each other and no one else. Since we were so serious about our relationship, I think it actally was a good idea to try different partners in a knowing and safe environment (rather than cheating, etc). But, since you mentioned that he has had plenty of experience, I'm a little stuck. In my bf's case, I understood why he was curious (plus I felt the same way--and I still do since I actually never got to do anything at the club--we "swapped" but the guy and I never had sex). See, that's what makes it fishy for everyone I guess. *sigh*

    Sorry I don't know what to tell ya honey! I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps you understand your situation any better. But I would be VERY careful--DON'T LET HIM PRESSURE YOU INTO IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "You did then what you knew how to do; when you knew better, you did better" ~Maya Angelou

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    Featured Member ami's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    i posted my original reply here: http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/ind...nly/t8289.html

    Quote Originally Posted by celeste_63 link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97411#msg97411 date=1082056618
    My boyfriend says that since he is cool with me kissing girls, I should be cool with him kissing girls other than me at parties. He says that he should be able to do what he wants even when I am around because in the end he's "going home with me." It bugs the shit out of me but honestly we haven't been together that long and it's true I do kiss a lot of girls and I'm not ready to give that privilege up yet.
    ......
    if he is cool with you kissing people of your gender then perhaps you should be cool with him kissing people of his gender.... see what he says about that. thats what my husband and I have... i can mess around with girls, and to be fair i told him he can mess around with guys (hasnt taken me up on this... hmmm... ). i always seek his approval of her first though even though he told me i don't have to...

    Quote Originally Posted by celeste_63 link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97411#msg97411 date=1082056618
    Jealousy and possessiveness are traits of people who are insecure. Well fine then call me insecure. But I remember how loved I felt when I had a boyfriend last year who didn't want me to kiss anybody else, guy or girl, except him.
    ......
    the only person i have ever been jelous with is my husband.. but i don't act jelous, i just feel jelous. I think thats where the diffrence lies,... if i were to start acting jelous and saying he couldnt talk to so and so, or he couldnt do this or that, that would be stepping the line. but i trust him, so i don't act jelous... anyway i could ramble about this all day........

    Quote Originally Posted by celeste_63 link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97411#msg97411 date=1082056618
    There are some mental images that even love cannot erase. Do you really want to watch him be with another girl? .....
    very true about the mental images. something like this happend to me (we werent together at the time) and it took me years to be able to even talk about it... now after 4.5 years and lots of talking i can suppress it quite well, but when i remember it like now, it still does pain me..... but there were lots of other factors involved, like i said we werent together, so i had no say in anything he did, all of us were also very very unsober..... i could go on, but its a long tragic story......

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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Threesomes, swapping, whatever you want to classify it as, are one of those things that either work for you or don't. You've both got to be not only comfortable but equally as interested in it for it to work, not to mention have an enormous level of trust. My boyfriend and I occasionally bring someone else in and for us it works and we love it. There isn't any jealousy on my or his part and we both really dig watching each other with other people. If you aren't comfortable with it now you definitly shouldn't do it. If you do decide to give it a try make sure to talk about it A LOT and set your guidelines ahead of time. With us we always are both present, there is no messing around on the side without the other. I dunno, all I know is it's one of those things that works for the minority of couples and you have to be careful on a mess of different levels.

    Good luck with whatever you decide and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do.



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    Senior Member Pixie's Avatar
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    Default Re:threesome? Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by sandi_g link=board=1;threadid=8290;start=msg97391#msg97391 date=1082052824
    Having only had two sex experiences (me), my fiancee recently had a talk with me that if I was ever interested in having sex with someone else, it would be OK with him if I told him about it first. He said he wants to be able to do the same with me, if he ever found a girl that he wanted to "just try out".
    I agree with whomever it was that said that this is manipulative. This sounds like an all-around bad situation. You should explain to him exactly how you feel, and don't let him pressure you into doing or allowing something that makes you uncomfortable. I would also reexamine the idea of marrying him based on his responses during this discussion.

    Good luck, hon.

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