Results 1 to 16 of 16

Thread: more relationship drama

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Theresa's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Posts
    347
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    Default more relationship drama

    Okay, originally I was going to post this under ladies only, but I want some opinions of the guys here too. I'm sure most of you have read on here about the various relationship roadbumps my boyfriend and I have been experiencing...well, here is another.

    Okay, my boyfriend has a kid with this stupid bitch who I can NOT STAND at all. I think she was raised by wolves, she is rude, ignorant, she has disrespected me on several occasions...I understand that my boyfriend has to call her on the phone on a somewhat regular basis and talk to her about their kid, whatever. I deal with it, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

    Now, I have an ex-boyfriend who my current boyfriend can't stand. When I first got together with my current boyfriend, I still occasionally spoke with my ex-boyfriend on the phone. When I told my ex I had a new guy, he asked me if I would still hook up with him anyway when he came to my city to visit (after he graduated from college, he moved back home, which is two states away from me). I told him NO. And my ex also messed up my boyfriend's name on purpose over the phone (for example..."What's his name...Matt? Mark?"--->when his name is Mike) Just b/c he was jealous and wanted to be a dick about it. So the last time I talked to this guy was back in January, my ex called me and left a message on my cell phone, and I told my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend said that he wanted me to call back only when he was right there, so he could make sure no more disrespectful things were said about him. Fine. So I called back with my boyfriend right there, and my ex said he was on his way out and would call back, but never did. Until last week. He left a very respectful message on my voicemail ("Hey, this is your long lost friend....just wanted to see what you were up to, see how you were doing") So I told my boyfriend and he just flipped out. He said that if my ex calls back he will tell him never to call me again, or I can tell him never to call again. Uh...WTF?

    My boyfriend said that if I still want to talk to him that badly, then I must still have feelings for him. Ummm, NO. Maybe I just would like to keep in contact with someone I dated on and off for 4 years? Granted, my ex was not perfect, he fucked me over a few times (and he still owes me money), but I fucked him over a few times also, and it is all water under the bridge now. But it just really makes my blood boil that he talks to that little cunt on a regular basis (I know, he HAS to), but he is telling me I can't talk to I guy I used to date even though we are friends?!? If for no other reason at all, I would like to keep in contact with my ex just to spite my current boyfriend, so he knows how I feel whenever he talks to the little bitch.

    I know this drama is reminiscent of high school, but it is my life , and I am wondering what others think of this bullshit.

  2. #2
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    3,103
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 15 Times in 9 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Sorry to hear all of this.

    I guess what I have to say may not be something you will like, but I will say it anyways.

    You hit the nail on the head about understanding the conversations with the ex about the child. But,
    Whenever children are involved, you really can't expect your boyfriend NOT to speak to his ex. Also remember that regardless of however his relationship was with her, he is going to be concerned about her welfare because, she is the mother of his child.

    There is a child involved which means a lot of things: Expenses, welfare, and visitation. To ask him not to speak to her is like basically telling him that he can't have a relationship with his child. You are right, you don't have to like it one bit, but I can tell you is that if you continue to get pissed, chances are, your boyfriend, may just kick you to the curb if you make him feel he has to choose between you or his child.

    In regards to her disrespecting you, expect it. But, let it roll off your back. I have lots of experience with this, as my hubby has two kids from a prior marriage, and the woman did nothing but bad mouth me, and continues to do so, however, I handle it very well, I bite my tongue, because I realize that if I were to spout off to her, I'm going to look stupid, and I'd rather be the bigger person and NEVER have her kids, or anyone who knows her hear a bad thing out of my mouth about her. Eventually, it will catch up. I leave that up to the Gods of Karma!

    In terms of the ex boyfriend, I'm not sure what to tell you there. I think perhaps that if your current boyfriend is feeling that he needs to hear that nothing disrespectful is being said about him, that he (your boyfriend) has issues with you keeping in touch with your ex. Personally, in my situations, I have never remained friends with my ex because he screwed me over, hurt me a lot and when he did call me, I politely told him that I had a great guy now and that I didn't want to be friends, but that was my decision, not my hubby's (who was my bf at the time) or anyone elses. I chose to end all contact because I didn't want my guy to think that I still had feelings for the ex, or that I was holding on to him for "Just in case".


    I think that the big issue is that you mention is that your current boyfriend is telling you what to do and you don' t like it? So, if your current bf didn't say anything at all about you keeping in touch with your ex, would you still? Or are you just pissed because your current bf is trying to control that aspect of things?

    I'm not sure if I've helped you at all, but just a few things to ponder.


    Gynger


    [/URL]
    [/URL]



  3. #3
    God/dess
    Joined
    Feb 2002
    Location
    OUTTATHISWORLD
    Posts
    7,219
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 15 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    I think it was pretty big of you to keep him in the loop about your ex calling also to make the call in front of him. It sounds like you would like to still talk to your ex on occassion and that's ok unless you guys were really abusive to one another.

    Too bad your current guy doesn't realize that (if you 2 stay together) he is pushing you to start lying about stupid shit ie: when the ex calls.


  4. #4
    Member Lemuel's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Posts
    27
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    I had an almost identical experience with my last GF. She absolutely did not like me talking to my previous GF. I fought it for a while then just kind of lost contact with the girl. 6 years later I was still with this girl and she still had issues because I was so stubborn about talking to my ex. I had basically told her that I chose my ex over her by refusing to break contact, when all I meant to do was be "the nice guy" and give the other girl a little morale support when she needed it.

    My rule for the future is simple. Decide if i would rather be friends with my ex, or be involved with the new one... make a choice and go all the way with it. When (if) I get involved again, I will do whatever it takes to make them comfortable with the ex situation, even if that includes completely losing contact with them. This is a hard decision to come to, as the 6 year girl is, and has been, my best friend. However we talked about it and made a pact to not let our friendship interfere with our future love possibilities.

    My suggestion is that you break contact with your ex on a temporary basis, call it 6 months or so. If they really want to be your friend, and aren't just angling to get back into your pants, they will wait it out and see how your BF feels about the situation 6 months or a year from now, by which time (hopefully) your BF will be more secure in his place with and not so threatened by your ex. But once again it comes back down to who's more important to you. If your not willing to break contact with the ex, you should think about the reasons for that.

  5. #5
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    13,855
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Why are you telling your BF about your ex calling, especially if its your own personal cellphone? Are you two together 24/7? Its none of your BF's business who you speak to. People don't want to be told the cold hard truth, especially when its unecessarily dramatic. Keep in touch with the ex and don't blab about it to boyfriend. For me, it would be unacceptable to have to call someone in the presence of my boyfriend......

    We all sacrifice for relationships. Sometimes being evasive is necessary for happiness....

    Ya'll flame me if you want

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

  6. #6
    God/dess
    Joined
    Feb 2002
    Location
    OUTTATHISWORLD
    Posts
    7,219
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 15 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    bare minimum don't tell your b/f if the ex is "disrespectful" Kinda like tossing wood on the fire.


  7. #7
    tampafldancer
    Guest

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    their is a curb at the side of the road with your boyfriend's name on it!!!

    ok.. jk.. , well maybe not!

  8. #8
    tampafldancer
    Guest

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Isn't this the same guy that got on stripperweb before to address one of your past posts. He sounds way to controlive for me. I guess some women are into that???They have to be...

  9. #9
    God/dess
    Joined
    Feb 2002
    Location
    OUTTATHISWORLD
    Posts
    7,219
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 15 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    u know I was just thinking the same thing...It's gotta be the same guy.


  10. #10
    Veteran Member Theresa's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Buffalo, NY
    Posts
    347
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Yeah...it is the same guy...

    Hopefully he won't sign on and put his two cents in on this post b/c I already know how he feels. And when my ex said those stupid things over the phone, my current boyfriend was right next to me, so he could hear the conversation...I definitely wouldn't just come out and tell my boyfriend that!

    LOL at tampafldancer's first post.

  11. #11
    Banned Madcap's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Saint effing Louis
    Posts
    6,804
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Theresa~

    Next time... Keep it to yourself.

    It doesn't matter if it's innocent or not, the male mentality is this: "This guy had her heart once, He can take her from me." So the defensiveness (and offensiveness) starts. Look, what he doesn't know... won't hurt him. Talk to your ex while the current is not around, anything else is like asking "Can I have some drama in my life?"

    This only applies if you like the current. If you don't, and are looking for a way to ditch him, talking to the ex right in front of him is one hell of a way to kick up some shit.

    This is just from a guy's perspective.

  12. #12
    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Gettin the fuck outta Dodge!
    Posts
    14,241
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    I think it's ridiculous for people to get so worked up over an ex. If the concern is whether the lover will cheat with the ex, then there's no trust in the relationship - a lover can cheat with ANYone, doesn't have to be an ex, if they're gonna cheat they're gonna do it regardless. Any other excuse for having a problem with exes is bullshit IMO. What's next? You can't talk to other guys at all? He can't talk to other girls at all? Bleh!

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

  13. #13
    Banned Madcap's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Saint effing Louis
    Posts
    6,804
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridgette link=board=1;threadid=9105;start=msg108032#msg1080 32 date=1084317595
    I think it's ridiculous for people to get so worked up over an ex. If the concern is whether the lover will cheat with the ex, then there's no trust in the relationship - a lover can cheat with ANYone, doesn't have to be an ex, if they're gonna cheat they're gonna do it regardless. Any other excuse for having a problem with exes is bullshit IMO. What's next? You can't talk to other guys at all? He can't talk to other girls at all? Bleh!
    No, you can talk to other guys. but That ex has a piece of your heart. No matter how screwed up everything is. I'm not saying DON'T, but I am saying don't advertise. It can lead to insecurity. There's a reason you liked that ex. That ex can really hit you where we can't. I'm not saying it's warranted, it's not, but it happens. Would you like a guy that talked to his ex girl in front of you?

    I'm not saying how things should be, but from a guy's perspective (at least from a guy unnatached to this situation) that's how it is. It's tough being a new guy in a dreamgirl's life (and, trust me, she's always a dreamgirl). Lots to live up to. We don't like having to have old flames tossed in our faces. If it's over a kid that is one thing, but if it's just for the hell of it that's another. I'm not saying 'don't do it' i'm saying 'just don't advertise'.

    We men are fragile. In this case we must wonder, are we a rebounder on the way to a U-Turn back to who she really loves?

    Look, you women aren't the easiest things on earth to fugure out for a guy.

  14. #14
    Featured Member sadbuttrue's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Mass
    Posts
    1,695
    Thanks
    184
    Thanked 49 Times in 35 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    I agree with just about everything that Gynger said. Even the question she posed at the end.

    But, I'd like to add that IMO your boyfriend has issues and I'm guessing it won't end at jealousy of the ex-boyfriend. However, T, you are right in pointing out the hypocrisy of not being able to talk to someone. I don't think that using the ex-boyfriend as a vehicle to getting that across is a good idea. I think leaving that ex behind as Gynger says is a better one.

    I think better ground for finding out whether the relationship can stand is if your current boyfriend has a lot of trouble with other guys who want to talk with you.

    Relationships are never easy. Good luck!

    >>>Sad<<<

    Blonde jokes are two lines long so that men can understand them.

  15. #15
    God/dess
    Joined
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    2,993
    Thanks
    39
    Thanked 12 Times in 11 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Wow, this is kind of like watching a train wreck, if I remember correctly he previously wanted you to stop dancing, is that correct, then he responded to your posts on SW, now he&#039;s telling you who you can talk to? Is that the type of relationship you really want?

  16. #16
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Bay Area, CA
    Posts
    1,391
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 15 Times in 13 Posts

    Default Re:more relationship drama

    Ugh. I have to go against the grain here.. and quite clearly state it was wise to fill in your boyfriend about your communications with your ex. I think the "I must be present" thing just flat out sucks and is inexcusable, but it would be VERY dumb to be trying to maintain any level of relations with an ex behind your current boyfriend&#039;s back... it becomes a trust issue from which you show zero to your current relationship if you hide something innocent.

    If the case were reversed, you&#039;d see the opposite advice. i.e. "I&#039;ve been secretly communicating with an ex boyfriend and my current boyfriend just found out and is pissed." As it&#039;s innocent, the hiding part would be criticized as "Why didn&#039;t you just TELL your boyfriend?!" It would also give your current boyfriend tons of firepower to try and corner you into a less than innocent relationship if you were indeed hiding it.

    Unfortunately, I dont see much trust in this relationship if you feel animosity towards his required parental communications with the mother of his children and try to compare that with totally optional relations with an ex boyfriend. It&#039;s also a very bad sign if your current boyfriend requires his presence for your communications to your ex- it displays a lack of trust and respect for you. Seems to be quite the conflict both ways here.

    I see it all as a break down in basic communication. You feel anxiety concerning his past relations and child and find your outlet of your ex-boyfriend satiates this anxiety, or otherwise using this to justify your behavior. There are other ways to deal with this... such as hitting the issue head-on with your current boyfriend and expecting some form of return. Men can manage these types of situations, but it sounds like he has been negligent of your feelings/needs for how difficult this has been for you, which has been escalating the issue with your ex as some form of backlash. I think if the two of you can tackle the primary issue, the issue with your ex-boyfriend will become a moot point...

    If not, maybe the basic fundamentals of trust and communication are void in this relationship. It&#039;s something to work for, but sometimes it&#039;s just not there, I&#039;m afraid.

    Best of luck and lots of hugs!
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

Similar Threads

  1. Got a relationship?
    By Poco in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 04-18-2007, 08:42 AM
  2. Old relationship
    By wallflowered in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-27-2006, 07:33 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •