I'd like to start dancing (if I can find the emotional armor required for such pursuits). For some twisted reason, having men check me out is the only thing that makes me feel sexy and lately, I can't feel good about ANYTHING unless I feel sexy (which I don't) and therein lies my problem. Anyway, I've been on a decent diet (high protein, low carbs when I eat a meal and a Slim Fast shake when I don't). I've been doing my HIIT cardio and Pilates. Recently I decided to give Hydroxycut a go and it's been working for me. I'm not so afraid to eat anymore because it helps my body use the food more quickly. Then I read all of these wonderful reviews of Tonalin and I tried it. One day I was 111 and the next (after Tonalin), I was 115. I kid you not, I literally cried on the scale. What gives? Farrah - any guesses? I also noticed that after having minimal breast shrinkage on the Hydroxycut/diet/cardio, a whopping 4 softgels of Tonalin has shrunken them from a D to something between a B and a C (I don't know. I've been too depressed to go bra shopping). I heard some ppl complain about shrinkage, but most ladies said it firmed up the boobs and hey, firm is good. My husband says maybe the boob loss is temporary (BS, I think) and the weight gain is just from mixing Tonalin and Hydroxycut. (Let's hope so). Anyway, to hell with CLA for now. My biggest problem is that I am built like a freak. I have a very high belly-button, and a mondo rib cage. I also have a flabby tummy. I always thought (until tonight) that if I could just get a flat tummy (or at least a smooth contour), I would be happy with my body. But tonight I looked at my boobs and they are so small that they make my huge rib cage look even worse because they no longer cover my ribs, and even if I flatten out my tummy with my hand, I still look like some alien subspecies because the rest of my torso sits well behind the bottom of my rib cage. (i.e. If you run your hand over my rib cage, it dips in like half an inch or more before you hit the rest of my torso. And the high belly-button is just a freakish annoyance. I'm currently at 5'2", 113.5 (although two days ago I was down to 111 - ughh), I have a 26-27 inch waist (at the belly button) and below that (at the flabbiest part of my tummy) is about 28 inches. I know I'm not fat, technically, but I FEEL disgusting. I have such a bizarre body type that I don't think I can ever be happy with my body. Does anyone else have a similar problem? I almost think I'd be happier gaining back enough weight to at least even up my rib cage and lower torso, but with such a huge bone structure in that area, I'd always feel (and probably look) thick. Also, what can I do to get my boobs back? No boob job, yet. My rib cage didn't used to bother me so much because my boobs were big enough to hang just low enough to cover my bottom rib. Now my ribs stick out at the top and the bottom and I look ridiculous. In looking at my chest today, I was just thinking 'I look like a boy'. The other thing that kills me is that my boobs spontaneously grew a cup size shortly after I got married two years ago. Before that, I was always a C cup. If that's what I am now, why am I so unhappy with it? I'm seriously considering trying to find some doc who does elective rib-removal. I'm going out of my mind! There are days (at a size 3, mind you), that I don't even leave the house because I can't find anything to wear that doesn't make me look/feel fat. I know I need to just quit dieting and exercising altogether for a week or so, just to get back in touch with the more important things in life (like my husband and kids and getting out of bed in the morning). This is literally ruining my life. Or maybe I should pack on around 50 pounds so that I wouldn't have another 'fat day'. I'd always be fat and I'd never have to worry about not feeling sexy because I never would be. I'm also on Depo, which I think is largely responsible for the depression (or maybe I really do suck...). It should be wearing off in two weeks or so, I just can't live with myself anymore. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I'm just so incredibly miserable and depressed lately that I am literally at the end of my rope... After suggesting that my husband kill me and make it look like an accident to get the insurance money, he suggested that maybe I need some help. I do need help, dammit. I need to be sexy and pretty. Are there any kindred, f-ed up spirits out there?
I thought about just forcing myself to throw my ass in whatever crappy club will take me, to try to fix my screwy body perception, but I'm afraid that even the ugly fat loser strip-club junkies will be like 'eww go home'... and THAT would really be the breaking point for me. I'd can't make it through one more disappointment. I also thought about posting some pics here to see what you all think, but I haven't even had the balls to let my husband get out the camera. Maybe someday. I really think I need some non-biased opinions. But you guys aren't non-biased. You're all too nice. You tell everyone they're beautiful and they don't need to lose weight and men like all types. LOL, my husband says that too but that's what he's there for. Everyone is so nice.Be mean, dammit. Be honest... Yeah, I will have to post some pics now.
THANKS!!



Be mean, dammit. Be honest... Yeah, I will have to post some pics now.
Reply With Quote


I was also thinking that maybe smaller boobs would make my torso look longer. My rib cage is only about 4" higher than my weirdass belly-button, so maybe having boobs that hang just as low makes it look worse. And, it would be GREAT to actually be able to buy a dress that fits. I have that whole M/L on top and XS/S on the bottom thing going... Either way, I have long (particularly so on such a short frame) toned legs (IMHO), so at least I have that going for me. I spent a lot of time just dancing today (LOL, with Fawnia) and I felt pretty good about myself. LOL, my shoes are like my magic feather. They make my legs and ass look so great, I forget about my tummy. I'm not where I want to be - I'm really dying for that flat(ter) tummy, but I have made progress. I think I'm actually more toned than I was before kids. My hips are like 33" and I've really fixed up my saddlebags. AND, I finally fixed the nasty baggy ass that I found myself with after my daughter was born. Of course that was in Feb., but at least I finally did it. And it's a pretty nice, perky ass if I do say so myself. So, I've decided to ditch Tonalin for a while, maybe Hydroxycut, too - and I am having my hubby hide the scale from me and I'm just going to focus on how I look and feel. Yeah, you're right about the confidence thing. I can't rely on a stranger to think I'm hot if I don't. I've set a goal to keep exercising and working on my dancing and my tummy until the end of July. Then I'm going to try to really evaluate my body and ignore my negativity. I'm trying to give myself plenty of time to do things in healthy ways and occasionally have a PB ice cream sundae without having to bust my balls to recover. I'm sorry for my rants. I didn't realize quite how bad my mood swings have been until I reread this post. I really think it might be the Depo.
....Tori Amos 
Bookmarks