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Thread: Stop me before I kill myself!

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    Default Stop me before I kill myself!

    I'd like to start dancing (if I can find the emotional armor required for such pursuits). For some twisted reason, having men check me out is the only thing that makes me feel sexy and lately, I can't feel good about ANYTHING unless I feel sexy (which I don't) and therein lies my problem. Anyway, I've been on a decent diet (high protein, low carbs when I eat a meal and a Slim Fast shake when I don't). I've been doing my HIIT cardio and Pilates. Recently I decided to give Hydroxycut a go and it's been working for me. I'm not so afraid to eat anymore because it helps my body use the food more quickly. Then I read all of these wonderful reviews of Tonalin and I tried it. One day I was 111 and the next (after Tonalin), I was 115. I kid you not, I literally cried on the scale. What gives? Farrah - any guesses? I also noticed that after having minimal breast shrinkage on the Hydroxycut/diet/cardio, a whopping 4 softgels of Tonalin has shrunken them from a D to something between a B and a C (I don't know. I've been too depressed to go bra shopping). I heard some ppl complain about shrinkage, but most ladies said it firmed up the boobs and hey, firm is good. My husband says maybe the boob loss is temporary (BS, I think) and the weight gain is just from mixing Tonalin and Hydroxycut. (Let's hope so). Anyway, to hell with CLA for now. My biggest problem is that I am built like a freak. I have a very high belly-button, and a mondo rib cage. I also have a flabby tummy. I always thought (until tonight) that if I could just get a flat tummy (or at least a smooth contour), I would be happy with my body. But tonight I looked at my boobs and they are so small that they make my huge rib cage look even worse because they no longer cover my ribs, and even if I flatten out my tummy with my hand, I still look like some alien subspecies because the rest of my torso sits well behind the bottom of my rib cage. (i.e. If you run your hand over my rib cage, it dips in like half an inch or more before you hit the rest of my torso. And the high belly-button is just a freakish annoyance. I'm currently at 5'2", 113.5 (although two days ago I was down to 111 - ughh), I have a 26-27 inch waist (at the belly button) and below that (at the flabbiest part of my tummy) is about 28 inches. I know I'm not fat, technically, but I FEEL disgusting. I have such a bizarre body type that I don't think I can ever be happy with my body. Does anyone else have a similar problem? I almost think I'd be happier gaining back enough weight to at least even up my rib cage and lower torso, but with such a huge bone structure in that area, I'd always feel (and probably look) thick. Also, what can I do to get my boobs back? No boob job, yet. My rib cage didn't used to bother me so much because my boobs were big enough to hang just low enough to cover my bottom rib. Now my ribs stick out at the top and the bottom and I look ridiculous. In looking at my chest today, I was just thinking 'I look like a boy'. The other thing that kills me is that my boobs spontaneously grew a cup size shortly after I got married two years ago. Before that, I was always a C cup. If that's what I am now, why am I so unhappy with it? I'm seriously considering trying to find some doc who does elective rib-removal. I'm going out of my mind! There are days (at a size 3, mind you), that I don't even leave the house because I can't find anything to wear that doesn't make me look/feel fat. I know I need to just quit dieting and exercising altogether for a week or so, just to get back in touch with the more important things in life (like my husband and kids and getting out of bed in the morning). This is literally ruining my life. Or maybe I should pack on around 50 pounds so that I wouldn't have another 'fat day'. I'd always be fat and I'd never have to worry about not feeling sexy because I never would be. I'm also on Depo, which I think is largely responsible for the depression (or maybe I really do suck...). It should be wearing off in two weeks or so, I just can't live with myself anymore. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I'm just so incredibly miserable and depressed lately that I am literally at the end of my rope... After suggesting that my husband kill me and make it look like an accident to get the insurance money, he suggested that maybe I need some help. I do need help, dammit. I need to be sexy and pretty. Are there any kindred, f-ed up spirits out there?

    I thought about just forcing myself to throw my ass in whatever crappy club will take me, to try to fix my screwy body perception, but I'm afraid that even the ugly fat loser strip-club junkies will be like 'eww go home'... and THAT would really be the breaking point for me. I'd can't make it through one more disappointment. I also thought about posting some pics here to see what you all think, but I haven't even had the balls to let my husband get out the camera. Maybe someday. I really think I need some non-biased opinions. But you guys aren't non-biased. You're all too nice. You tell everyone they're beautiful and they don't need to lose weight and men like all types. LOL, my husband says that too but that's what he's there for. Everyone is so nice. Be mean, dammit. Be honest... Yeah, I will have to post some pics now.
    THANKS!!

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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    Ughh... Just realized how crapass long this is. Sorry, guys!

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    God/dess Lexi's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    oh hun, im so sorry to hear how you are feeling.
    If its any consolation, I was a wannabe bulimic in highschool. (corny) and I gained weight.... I was big for my size and have pics to prove.

    Anyway, I decided wuth my bf at the time that I would just eat better and exercise. If you do cardio and weights, you will lose fat and gain muscle. Sure you may "weigh" more because of the newly developing muscles.

    If you think you are fat, you will always feel that way...and you will portray negativity. People can pick up on this. I used to always "diss" myself... when I decided I wanted to change, I did. Not only did I change physically, I changd mentally 500%. You need to love yourself and just work on yourself; Your body and your mind.
    Please dont get too crazy about these things....small changes wil come and with those, bigger ones too.
    PM me if you ever wanna talk...

    ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    My rib cage didn't used to bother me so much because my boobs were big enough to hang just low enough to cover my bottom rib. Now my ribs stick out at the top and the bottom and I look ridiculous.
    Uh, if that's the case, maybe you don't need to be taking weight loss supplements?

    I don't think dancing would be at ALL good for you with your current mindframe- no matter who you are, we ALL get insulted from time to time. If that would be your breaking point, then PLEASE don't put yourself in the situation.

    Dancing to get a confidence boost is ass-backwards- you need to go in with loads of confidence, enough so that when they chip away at it you still have some left, lol.

    Feature costumes for sale!

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    It seems like you have more important problems to deal with than appearance. I have a hard time believing you look as hideous as you describe, it sounds more like serious body-image issues to me. Dancing will definitely NOT help that. As already stated, you need to have mucho confidence in this business because your ego will take a severe beating every night. Gotta be tough to withstand that. I'm thinking maybe you should talk to a counselor to check the body-image thing. Good luck and happiness hun.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    Well now.. let's see...

    Diet changes, supplemented with sporadic meal replacement.. backyard chemistry mixing of Hydroxycut and Tonalin.. extra emphasis on workout and exercise.. throw in who knows what other things you are taking/consuming.. add a little bit of your monthly cycle timing to boot...

    Yah, you're system is hosed, girl. Obsessive behavior about body image with bouts of depression sounds like you got off pretty easy and should be proud of your constitution. Realize you've seen pretty remarkable and quite measurable physical changes in a short duration- metabolic and hormonal effects are likely several times stronger leading to the emotional condition you're in right now.

    My best advice is to chuck the scale, get off your diet/exercise and supplemental plan (eat a cheeseburger and maybe some non-fat frozen yogurt, soup, veggies, fruits- no pills, no supplement, no meal replacements), stay away from mirrors and get out and soak some vitamin E from the good old sun a few hours a day for at least a week and let your system stabilize. Whatever ill effects this may cause you can easily correct afterwards once you're in the right frame of mind.

    If I were your brain, I'd be telling you that you suck also. Anything to return your hormones and metabolism to something more bareable. It's REAL easy to go into a self-improvement state formed by good intentions and overdo it in ways to throw you into deep chemical imbalance depression, which in turn causes bad decisions/distorted self-image to escalate the effect. It sounds to me like you are in this downward spiral and need to STOP immediately and take a breather.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    I have the same exact rib problem as you, and I've always thought that I have short legs and an overall strange body, but I just kept working at it, with tons of cardio and toning, and made the best of what I've got. After all, this is me, I'm not into surgeries and stuff, so I do what I can with what I've got, and at the end of the day, I know I'm the best I can be... yeah, I slip off my diet and exercise some times, and get depressed like woah, but life goes on, there are always better days ahead. Trust me, the rib thing is not as noticable as it seems, no one ever notices until I point it out, and bigger boobs, as nice as they are, can give an general picture of being heavier. Take care of yourself, eat well, work out, and you'll see the results!
    ~Bella Regazza Italiana~

    "Dress shabbily, they notice the dress; Dress impeccably, they notice the person." ~Chanel

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    What Lexi, Bridgette, and Polecat said, plus:

    Dump your husband. He is at the bottom of these poor self esteem and self image issues. You know that, girl! STOP THE DENIAL, QUIT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM, AND DUMP HIS ASS!!!! I guarantee you, you will be a different person.

    I almost killed myself. After I left his mini-ass, I realized it was ALL HIS FAULT! I went from being a depressed, hopeless, suicidal, anorexic kid who couldn't even relate to anyone to a happy, beautiful woman. Get away from his ass! You KNOW he is the one that makes you feel this way.... move away from the trainwreck, girl!

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    Veteran Member Prina's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    I agree with above!!! THERE IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER OUT THERE.

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    Veteran Member bloodydewdrop's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    i'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and you're not alone. i sometimes feel like my body is horrid, but dancing helps with this (most nights). last sunday i wore a smaller g-string, and for some reason, i got a huge number of compliments on my body which i could not fathom at the time.

    from your measurements, you are definately not overweight. i suggest reading and practicing self-love exercises, as corny as this may sound. there is a slightly confusing line women must maintain their self image on: between being motivated enough to improve ourselves when need be, and loving ourselves for who we are. it's delicate and overlaps.

    perhaps talking to someone would help. i hope you get the support you're looking for. take care of yourself and be happy

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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    Thanks guys! LOL, I should probably just stop posting... I've been having mood swings like nobody's business lately. I woke up today terrified to look in the mirror after last night's depression and I really couldn't figure out why I had been flipping out. I definitely have some mental issues. I was also thinking that maybe smaller boobs would make my torso look longer. My rib cage is only about 4" higher than my weirdass belly-button, so maybe having boobs that hang just as low makes it look worse. And, it would be GREAT to actually be able to buy a dress that fits. I have that whole M/L on top and XS/S on the bottom thing going... Either way, I have long (particularly so on such a short frame) toned legs (IMHO), so at least I have that going for me. I spent a lot of time just dancing today (LOL, with Fawnia) and I felt pretty good about myself. LOL, my shoes are like my magic feather. They make my legs and ass look so great, I forget about my tummy. I'm not where I want to be - I'm really dying for that flat(ter) tummy, but I have made progress. I think I'm actually more toned than I was before kids. My hips are like 33" and I've really fixed up my saddlebags. AND, I finally fixed the nasty baggy ass that I found myself with after my daughter was born. Of course that was in Feb., but at least I finally did it. And it's a pretty nice, perky ass if I do say so myself. So, I've decided to ditch Tonalin for a while, maybe Hydroxycut, too - and I am having my hubby hide the scale from me and I'm just going to focus on how I look and feel. Yeah, you're right about the confidence thing. I can't rely on a stranger to think I'm hot if I don't. I've set a goal to keep exercising and working on my dancing and my tummy until the end of July. Then I'm going to try to really evaluate my body and ignore my negativity. I'm trying to give myself plenty of time to do things in healthy ways and occasionally have a PB ice cream sundae without having to bust my balls to recover. I'm sorry for my rants. I didn't realize quite how bad my mood swings have been until I reread this post. I really think it might be the Depo.

    EroticTonic - No, no, no. Seriously, my husband is not the problem. He has been a total shit in the past, but he is truly an asset to me now. (Still sorting out all my responses to my bitchass 'other woman' shit, but really, I'm not in denial - lol, well, that sounds kind of ironic.) No. My husband is cooking low-fat meats and veggies for me and serving me healthy dinners to make sure that I eat without feeling guilty. He made me promise to stop the drug cocktails. He comes up to pull me away from exercise to do something fun. He takes care of both of our kids on those days where I can't deal with it anymore. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and drools when I'm dancing. He constantly points out the improvements I've made and says he wants to lose weight so no one says 'Wow. What's that hottie doing with him?' LOL, he's beautiful, btw. Have to post him on SO pic thread. We've been through some awful stuff, but the last year or two he has never ceased to amaze me. Probably should've ditched his sorry ass before, but he's more than made up for it.

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    Default Re:Stop me before I kill myself!

    I do agree with Erotic. Yes..I understand that your husband may be on the straight and narrow now..BUT....HE has caused irreversable damage to you. He may be better but now your in trouble with the remnants of what he has done to you..in front of you...behind your back..etc..It's like being a vet with PTSD..(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) The war's over but the flashbacks and feelings are still there in your face like you are still in the war. It's very nice and all the HE has overcome his bad qualities..but it's not very nice that YOU have been ruined like this..YOU have been traumatized behond what you can handle on your own....I can see it..We all can see it..I just wish you could. Good Luck!


    About your body..I am sure you do look fine..How can you not? With all the exercise and eating right..Somethings got to look good right? At 5' 2" 111-113..WTF is wrong with that? I hope you don't have perfection in mind ..because I have yet to see that in any woman! If your not willing to show us the goods..how can you show a bunch of guys your naked body...who are there simply to critique it? Besides. What if you have attained your goal but you don't realize it? What if youv'e been sooo tuned into and working soo hard at getting this right and that right..that now it's here babe and you don't see it?


    "Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." ....Tori Amos

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