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Thread: When do I tell Him??

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    Senior Member PaigeTyler's Avatar
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    Default When do I tell Him??

    hey people!

    Ok, so, per one of my old posts I broke up with the bf like, a month ago, and... I've met a guy! He's great! We've been on 3 dates now. the question is..when do I tell him about my chosen profession? ???
    I'm not ashamed of what I do, but some guys react *kinda* (understatment of the year lol) badly to this kind of info. Others are chill about it. I want to wait until he really gets to know me and falls for me, but.. I don't want to wait soo long that when I do tell him he feels like I've been lying to him the whole time. I really like this guy. Any advice?

    Paige ???

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    Featured Member NikkiD's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Oooh, Paige that is such a dilemma! First of all, what does he think that you do for a living?
    It's a double edge sword, because on one hand he has the right to know right away, but on the other, a majority of guys assume that if a woman is a dancer, then she must be easy. An assumption that is rarely true, but extremely unfair.
    My advice- Tell him before its too late. I think if you wait too long, then he might think that you were intentionally keeping it from him and may never forgive you.
    Good Luck!!


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    Member SpinKitty's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    next date ask him to go to a club with you. If he has a good time,behaves and seems cool about being there with you tell him after ya'll leave

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    Veteran Member SaraNLA's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    I asked the same question here about 5 months ago and a lot of the ladies gave me good advice -- the main one being, don't wait too long. You don't want to come across as being dishonest. However, you've only been on 3 dates. That's pretty early.

    Some people tell others too much too soon. You are still allowed to have personal things in your life. Don't feel like you have to reveal everything right away. I think it was after the 8th date that I told my boyfriend. I waited until I was sure I liked him and he was interested in us being exclusive.

    He was wonderful about it, but to prepare myself, I expected the worst.

    Just remember, how he handles the news will tell you a lot about him and his maturity level. A smart guy will know this is just a job, and a guy that is truly interested in YOU won't overreact.

    At 3 dates, don't worry about making him fall in love with you. At 3 dates, be checking HIM out. Just think of telling him 'the news' as a chance to find out if he will fit into YOUR world, not vice-versa.
    Let your indulgence set me free. - Shakespeare

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    Veteran Member kellyallstar's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    depends how comfortable you are with him, you will know.
    I'm here to make money. NOT make friends, if I make a friend then it's a bonus.

    I'd rather be absolutely ridiculous that absolutely boring

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    I don't hate men. I hate everyone equally.
    Quote Originally Posted by CandySeattle
    Kelly you're so raunchy, but in a proper way.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    Dude, it's not her "world" it's her job. It's not some sort of Pavlovian trance that dancers go into when they smell money, it's simply how they make a living.

  6. #6
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him. The more he likes your personality, the more it has the potential to anger him that you did not tell him earlier. If you wait too long, it will seem deceptive. Frankly, that's a good way to approach it. "Look...I really like you, but before I get in too deep, I need to tell you about my profession so that you can make some decisions."

    It shows that you are concerned about him...yourself...and also points out that it is indeed your "profession" and that you don't intend to change any time in the near future.

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    Veteran Member Boobie Monster's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    I think that Sara's advice was fantastic. Especially the part about him fitting into your world...

    The one thing that I would add to that is that I don't beleive that "testing" him is a good way to approach this, or a relationship in general. Don't talk to him about it casually, or take him to a club to guage him; its just not fair. He may feel one way about it when he is a customer and differently as a boyfriend; or he may pretend that he is against it, thinking that is what women want to hear, and scare your from telling him at all.

    After a few more dates, you will have a better idea of who he is and how open-minded he can be. Take the time you spend learning about him to guage the best time and situation to tell HIM, as an individual. This isn't a consideration about the best time to tell men, its a consideration of if and when this particular person will be receptive to what you do.

    (And if he isn't, eff him.)
    If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
    -George Bernard Shaw

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    Member TarzanBass's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    I apologize if this is an intrusion, but here's my male perspective.

    If honesty is an important aspect of your relationship, then you have to tell him right away. If he's morally against it, then he'll feel guilty about his past interactions with you, and it's not nice to do that to people.

    If you're really enjoying each other, then it's likely that he'll understand, in some ways, if you put it to him in the right way. Don't apologize for it, though, unless you want him to try to rescue you from your current life.

    Just be yourself. It's a good match or it isn't. If you care about him, don't waste his time.

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    Featured Member Corey's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    I told my husband on our first date. We did know each other as aquaintances for about two years before that. We met under different circumstances as well. He had never really asked me what I did for a living. I never felt the need to tell him...until we started dating.

    It worked out. Together for 4 1/2 years, married one year and two weeks

    Cheers,

    Corey
    (Formerly known as 'Korina')

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    Featured Member scorpio's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Tell him NOW! If he can't handle it, then he isn't good for you, so you might as well find out early. Good luck.

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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Hey Sweetie..

    I agree with everyone who has said for you to tell him now. If he can handle it, great. If he can't, that's an issue he'll have to deal with.

    Don't ever feel that you should hide who you are or what you do, for anyone.

    ~Hugs~
    Rhi

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Quote Originally Posted by TarzanBass link=board=27;threadid=10238;start=msg124678#msg12 4678 date=1087618222
    I apologize if this is an intrusion, but here's my male perspective.

    If honesty is an important aspect of your relationship, then you have to tell him right away. If he's morally against it, then he'll feel guilty about his past interactions with you, and it's not nice to do that to people.

    If you're really enjoying each other, then it's likely that he'll understand, in some ways, if you put it to him in the right way. Don't apologize for it, though, unless you want him to try to rescue you from your current life.

    Just be yourself. It's a good match or it isn't. If you care about him, don't waste his time.

    Ditto.

  13. #13
    naomisantos77
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    on your day off....go with him to the club you work for a drink. then ask your boss if you can make a show after explaining him about your boyfriend (he will understand) tell to your boyfriend that you have to go to the toilet. and then it is SHOWTIME!!! see how he react. i think it is fun this way ha ha i love to see that.

    but don't worry most men they do not have a problem.... and it is better to don't wait so long to tell him.

    good luck!

    ps if he gets angry and walk away (i don't believe so) then please leave him!!!!

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    Senior Member Celeste's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Personally, I've always told new people I was interested in right up front. Usually they were ok with it when just dating. Sometimes the relationship progresses and they want me to quit. Then it's like, you knew this from the beginning what's the problem now? That bugs me. Always be honest right up front. 3 dates is not too long. Before the relationship gets deeper you need to tell him.

    If he's not too sure how to take it then tell him how you view dancing. be honest with him. He might think at first that you are easy but your actions will speak louder. Most people think there is no such thing as a straight and honest dancer. Quite a few of us are though. So be that kind of dancer and live that way and you won't have too many problems. Talk to him a lot! Have him ask questions and raise concerns.

    Granted I haven't been in the dating scene for a while. I've been with my current for 3 1/2 years. I've danced the whole time, did adult modelling etc. never been a problem. For private shows he is even one of my bouncers. Why did it turn out that way? Well, it was nothing I did (except for telling him right when we started dating). It's because of him. He is a type of man who is secure in himself and in our relationship. We have trust and communication. He knows that dancing is a job and I view it as only that. He actually is quite honored that he's the only one I come home to when there are others who would like to be in his position.

    All in all, it depends on the guy. His views on women, how he was raised, his security within himself, levels of trust and how jealous he is or isn't. It takes work (like any healthy relationship) Dancing in a commited relationship can work with the right guy (and the right girl).

    Good luck!
    "What spirit is so empty and blind, that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful that the garment with which it is clothed?"
    --Michaelangelo--

  15. #15
    bostondancer
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    What if he thinks that you have a problem with it since you didn't tell him ? Ya know what I am tryng to say like if it's ok then why not tell him right away he might think that you have a reason for acting ashamed . I dunno I am just trying to think like a guy . With the help of there friends they read into things too much Good luck anyways xo

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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Tell him NOW



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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Quote Originally Posted by PaigeTyler link=board=27;threadid=10238;start=msg124131#msg12 4131 date=1087531023
    I'm not ashamed of what I do, but some guys react *kinda* (understatment of the year lol) badly to this kind of info. Others are chill about it. I want to wait until he really gets to know me and falls for me, but.. I don't want to wait soo long that when I do tell him he feels like I've been lying to him the whole time. I really like this guy. Any advice?

    Paige ???
    Her is my straight (no curve ball) opinion as a guy.

    First, as I mentioned in another posting, I think a lot of guys are not entirely okay with their woman dancing erotically for other men. But they won't always tell you the truth about how they really feel up front (because if your hot and still wooing you they don't want to say things that will cause you to break off the relationship). So there is a very good possibility he won't be okay with you stripping even if he says he is okay with it, he may even think he is okay with it, but as time goes on the (primal) jealousy may come out. Unfortunately this comes with the profession you've choosen. There are exceptions of course, but it is going to be a while before you know if he is okay with it, unless you already know he has been in relationships with strippers before.

    Second, it sounds like you are hesitant to tell him for fear of what? Fear of driving him off? If he is not comfortable with it what difference does it make if you tell him on the first date or on the fifth or tenth? Don't kid yourself into thinking that he will get to know you, like you, and that will somehow offset any feelings of jealousy he has. Chances are you really won't find out how feels about it until a month or two after the relationship gets serious. And then what?

    Third, let's say you don't tell him, and you like this guy, but it turns out he is not okay with you dancing. You have no power to change how he feels (if you try to do so you will likely find that in the end, if it is a significant problem for him it will remain one no matter what you do). The only person that you can change for sure is yourself - specifically you can make a choice to stop dancing. If that is absolutely not an option for you then absolutely tell him now and get it over with unless you are just playing with his heart and planning to break it later if he is not okay with you dancing.

    Bottom line - tell him as soon as possible.



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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Quote Originally Posted by scorpio link=board=27;threadid=10238;start=msg124698#msg12 4698 date=1087622058
    Tell him NOW! If he can't handle it, then he isn't good for you, so you might as well find out early. Good luck.
    Exactly....

    Dont go to a club with him, or strip for him at the club....just tell him. Be upfront and honest. Thats your best bet. If he doesnt like that, then you have to respect his choice and know you can do better anyway.

    Good luck...let us know how it goes.

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    Veteran Member SaraNLA's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Hey guys, I gotta say that I disagree....

    There is no 'right' time-line that she HAS to follow (like telling him right away). It's her business and I really think that she should be thinking about her feelings more than his. The right time to tell him is when it's right for HER.

    Dancing doesn't even compare to SERIOUS problems a person could have -- like if you were dying from cancer. Would you say you've got to tell every person you meet on the first date?

    It's not that you are trying to deceive anybody, but you have to take care of yourself first and tell a person in your own time when you are ready. I agree not to play games and take him to a club to get his reaction, etc. But I think the focus shouldn't be when it's right for him -- it should be when it's right for YOU.

    By the way, when I told my BF, I said that I wanted to tell him b/c I wanted to be honest with him. He said I always had been -- he said I would have been lying if someone ASKED if I danced & I said no.

    Finally, everybody's got secrets of some sort and some are bigger than others. It's when you get closer to someone and WANT to reveal more about yourself that you should.
    Let your indulgence set me free. - Shakespeare

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    Senior Member PaigeTyler's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Hey guys..

    Thanks for all the advice. I started out by telling him that I had a "friend" that is a dancer (which is true, so I'm not exactly lying), and I asked him what he thought about that. He told me that the one experience he had with a stripper was when he went to a bach. party and the girl blew 50 guys. Now, this sounds like an exageration on his part, I can't imagine that that is what actually happend.. I think maybe since he thinks that I'm not a dancer he wants to seem 'above' it. Ya know, like when guys say they don't like porn. But, he's always telling me how I'm so much more of a "lady" than his past relationships, which kinds of insinuates that I'm "above" it too. I really don't think that it has ever crossed his mind. I think he has this stereotypical image of what a stripper look and acts like, which is obviously not true to what we are. I think that in his mind it would be obvious if i was a dancer. But of course there aren't any "tell tale" signs. We're all (or at least most of us ) just normal, clean, nice girls.
    I've brought up my "friend" several times, trying to guage a reaction ( I know, I know, maybe not the best idea) and he doesn't really say much. I've told him that my "friend" is a really clean girl. A normal sweetie pie. He's kind of just like "whatever" about it. He's like, "what does that have to do with us?"
    So... now I'm kinda scared to tell him. I've never been in this position before, and lets say I do tell him and he deads it with me. I would be sad, but I would get over it. My main issue with him breaking up with me, would just be that I don't want his remaining impression of me to be "oh, she's a dirty whore that blows 50 guys a night." That's kind of the vibe I get from him. I know that a lot of you girls are gonna say that he's not worth it. But what if he is, and it's just his ignorance (through no real fault of his own might I add) that keeps us apart. It would really hurt me to have him think of me like that. Especially because I am a very clean dancer!
    Errr! What a darn sticky situation!
    On a totally different subject... I'm going to Stripperfest with Piceses!! Yay!!!!

  21. #21
    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Hmmmm.....

    Strange situation...

    I dont think the "friend who is a stripper" approach was a great idea...but its not that bad...he seems a little off about it from your description.

    I would just come out with it and tell him... its obvioulsy somethign important to you and its effecting you...so i think you should just tell him. Tell him how much you like him and though this may change you're future together, you need to tell him this.

    If he decides not to be with you, you have to know that this is his loss...and if he decides to think you are a dirty person....thats his problem....he's closeminded and you shouldnt be bothered by that.

    I know its going to be really hard, but do your best.
    Wish you luck.

    Maybe I'll see you guys up at SF

  22. #22
    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    oh and about the blowing of 50+ guys in one night at a Bachelor Party....yes...this happens...

    At my friends frat initiation back in college...he told me there was one stripper they hired who gave the 30 pledges handjobs...there are people who will do anythign i guess

  23. #23
    Senior Member PaigeTyler's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Quote Originally Posted by AinNY link=board=27;threadid=10238;start=msg125766#msg12 5766 date=1087838468
    oh and about the blowing of 50+ guys in one night at a Bachelor Party....yes...this happens...

    At my friends frat initiation back in college...he told me there was one stripper they hired who gave the 30 pledges handjobs...there are people who will do anythign i guess

    Yuck!!!!

  24. #24
    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    Quote Originally Posted by PaigeTyler link=board=27;threadid=10238;start=msg125785#msg12 5785 date=1087841515
    Yuck!!!!
    yuck is right...for the guys and the girl

  25. #25
    Member pinkie's Avatar
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    Default Re:When do I tell Him??

    just tell the truth ....tell him wht you do

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