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Thread: Funny Church Announcements....

  1. #1
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Funny Church Announcements....

    My mother in law sent this to me.. I thought I'd share..
    Apparently these are all actual announcements from church bulletins


    1.Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

    2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

    4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

    9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

    10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

    13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

    17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

    19. With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church. (submitted by Michael J. Lee, Website, Email)

    20. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith. (submitted by Rick Moore, Website, Email)

    21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

    23. The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

    24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." (submitted by Luella Long)

    25. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

    26. The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

    27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

    28. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

    29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

    30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    31. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    32. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

    33. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

    34. Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

    35. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

    36. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    37. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    38. Evening massage -- 6 p.m.

    39. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    40. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

    41. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

    42. Ushers will eat latecomers.

    43. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

    45. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

    46. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

    47. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

    48. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

    49. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

    50.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    51.At the evening service tonight our sermon will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


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  2. #2
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Quote Originally Posted by Gynger link=board=1;threadid=10334;start=msg125955#msg125 955 date=1087865044
    My mother in law sent this to me.. I thought I'd share..
    Apparently these are all actual announcements from church bulletins


    9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
    What about the altar boys?

    10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
    Even I would pay to see that one!!

    13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
    What they don't tell you is that you need to pay them to put the clothes back on!!

    24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." (submitted by Luella Long)
    I don't know what's funnier...the typo or the name of the person who submitted it...LOL

    30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
    Finally...I'm finally following something the church endorses!!

  3. #3
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Here's a stained glass picture from a church that was later decided should be replaced due to possible misinterpretation...
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  4. #4
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    OMG Polecat!

    And Venus, yes, I Agree, I say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much.. I am finally doing something right! (Yeah, and my Irish-Catholic Family will probably disagree and tell me I'm going to hell anyways)


    I thought these were really funny.. and even though religious based, I still thought it worthy to post.


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  5. #5
    Featured Member SCGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    oh typos can be SOOOO much fun sometimes!!!
    "You did then what you knew how to do; when you knew better, you did better" ~Maya Angelou

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    I'll chime in here...
























  7. #7
    Veteran Member Pisces3x3's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    That stained glass picture is SO wrong! LOL
    You think you know... but you have no idea!

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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Damn that SOB came in big didn't it...

  9. #9
    God/dess montythegeek's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Slightly off topic, but Saturday I saw a bigass billboard 150 feet from a strip club facing the interstate in Providence, RI touting the effectiveness of billboard advertising with the slogan "Exposure is our business."

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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Ideology and Religion Shit List

    Taoism: Shit happens.
    Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
    Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
    Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
    Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
    Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
    Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
    Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
    Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
    Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
    Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
    Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
    Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
    Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
    Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
    Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
    Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
    Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
    Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
    Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
    Creationism: God made all shit.
    Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
    Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
    Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
    Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
    Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
    Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
    Darwinism: This shit was once food.
    Capitalism: That's MY shit.
    Communism: It's everybody's shit.
    Feminism: Men are shit.
    Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
    Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
    Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
    Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
    Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
    Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
    Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
    Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
    Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
    Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
    Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
    Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
    Jehovah&#039;s Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
    Jehovah&#039;s Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
    Jehovah&#039;s Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
    Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
    Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
    Rastafarianism: Let&#039;s smoke this shit!
    Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
    Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
    Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
    Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
    Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
    Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
    Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
    Atheism: What shit?
    Atheism #2: I can&#039;t believe this shit!
    Nihilism: No shit.

  11. #11
    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

  12. #12
    Featured Member sadbuttrue's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Those are great, Gynger!

    >>>Sad<<<
    Blonde jokes are two lines long so that men can understand them.

  13. #13
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    Quote Originally Posted by montythegeek link=board=1;threadid=10334;start=msg126803#msg126 803 date=1087990952
    Slightly off topic, but Saturday I saw a bigass billboard 150 feet from a strip club facing the interstate in Providence, RI touting the effectiveness of billboard advertising with the slogan "Exposure is our business."


    Good grief! Probably giving little old ladies heart attacks as they drive by!


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  14. #14
    God/dess RoseDelight's Avatar
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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    LOL


    --Georg Christoph Litchenberg



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    Default Re:Funny Church Announcements....

    G. The announcement were very funny. I printed them out and people were laughing.

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