One of my favorite jokes centers around politicians. Let's examine that word: politicians; from the Latin roots "poly", meaning 'many' and "tics", meaning 'blood-sucking vermin'. But even politicians have their uses... the best of these being unintentioned comedy.
"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway." —Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them
"You think if you get elected, Gore will try to take credit for it?" —Jay Leno to Bush
"First of all, he doesn't know much; second of all, he's lazy; and third, he avoids conflict. Those are all assets." —Ralph Nader on Bush
"This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base" —George W. Bush, at the Al Smith Dinner
"We have a lot in common. Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one.'' —George W. Bush, noting that fellow Yale graduate William F. Buckley was in the audience at the Al Smith Dinner
"America had its third and final chance to watch the two major presidential candidates discuss the issues in a town hall format debate which, from the GOP perspective, looked less like debates one and two and more like the heartbreaking scene at the end of Flowers for Algernon when Charley, the moron-turned-genius, began visibly turning back into a moron." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"It's so exciting that even people who just moved here and are now running for the Senate can enjoy it." —New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, on the Late Show with David Letterman, reading from a list of the "Top Ten Great Things About Having the World Series in New York"
"Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing." —the #2 item on the "Top 10 Changes George W. Bush Will Make in the White House," read by Bush on the Late Show with David Letterman
"How do you look so youthful and rested?" —Late Show host David Letterman
"Fake it." —George W. Bush
"And that's pretty much how you're going to run the country?" —Letterman
"A wisecracking Jew and a pathetic bald guy? Nice try, but I liked it better when they called it Seinfeld." —Politically Incorrect host Bill Maher, on the vice presidential debate
"Yes, he said 'subliminable,' but he was probably distracted thinking about executing some criminables." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart, riffing on George W. Bush's repeated mispronunciations of subliminal
"He's stiffer than Jesse Helms on a gay pride parade float." —Comedian Will Durst, on Al Gore
"At least I didn’t trade Sammy Sosa," —New York Times reporter Adam Clymer, on the smart-aleck answer he thought of giving in response to George W. Bush’s vulgarity, referring to Bush’s own major-league experience as owner of the Texas Rangers.
"Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain." —Tonight Show host Jay Leno
"Al, how long have you been on the road?" —Late Show host David Letterman, when Gore told him the prolonged kiss he gave Tipper at the Democratic National Convention was "just a little peck.''
"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'" —Late Show host David Letterman
"I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he? He's just unbelievable." —Al Gore, watching Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan
"This Internet thing you invented is neat." —George W. Bush, responding to a campaign challenge issued in an e-mail from Al Gore
"I don't see it as a stain." --Bill Clinton, reflecting on his impeachment
"It really gets me when the critics say I haven't done enough for the economy," he said. "I mean, look what I've done for the book publishing industry. You've heard some of the titles. 'Big Lies,' 'The Lies of George W. Bush,' 'The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I'd like to tell you I've read each of these books, but that'd be a lie." –President Bush, at the White House Correspondents Dinner
"I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it." --John Kerry, on voting against a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq
"I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Sen. Clinton. She's the only person who's at the center of more conspiracy theories than I am." --Dick Cheney, at the Gridiron Dinner
"Here's an unsigned question. 'Mr. Vice President, don't you think it's time to step down and let someone else add new energy and vitality to the ticket?' No . . . I don't. And Rudy [Giuliani], you need to do a better job disguising your handwriting." --Dick Cheney, at the Gridiron Dinner
"The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions -- for tax cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts." –-President Bush
"It's actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand." —David Letterman, on Clinton's book



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