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Thread: Political Pratfalls

  1. #1
    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Political Pratfalls

    One of my favorite jokes centers around politicians. Let's examine that word: politicians; from the Latin roots "poly", meaning 'many' and "tics", meaning 'blood-sucking vermin'. But even politicians have their uses... the best of these being unintentioned comedy.

    "We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway." —Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them

    "You think if you get elected, Gore will try to take credit for it?" —Jay Leno to Bush

    "First of all, he doesn't know much; second of all, he's lazy; and third, he avoids conflict. Those are all assets." —Ralph Nader on Bush

    "This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base" —George W. Bush, at the Al Smith Dinner

    "We have a lot in common. Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one.'' —George W. Bush, noting that fellow Yale graduate William F. Buckley was in the audience at the Al Smith Dinner

    "America had its third and final chance to watch the two major presidential candidates discuss the issues in a town hall format debate which, from the GOP perspective, looked less like debates one and two and more like the heartbreaking scene at the end of Flowers for Algernon when Charley, the moron-turned-genius, began visibly turning back into a moron." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

    "It's so exciting that even people who just moved here and are now running for the Senate can enjoy it." —New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, on the Late Show with David Letterman, reading from a list of the "Top Ten Great Things About Having the World Series in New York"

    "Give Oval Office one heck of a scrubbing." —the #2 item on the "Top 10 Changes George W. Bush Will Make in the White House," read by Bush on the Late Show with David Letterman

    "How do you look so youthful and rested?" —Late Show host David Letterman
    "Fake it." —George W. Bush
    "And that's pretty much how you're going to run the country?" —Letterman

    "A wisecracking Jew and a pathetic bald guy? Nice try, but I liked it better when they called it Seinfeld." —Politically Incorrect host Bill Maher, on the vice presidential debate

    "Yes, he said 'subliminable,' but he was probably distracted thinking about executing some criminables." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart, riffing on George W. Bush's repeated mispronunciations of subliminal

    "He's stiffer than Jesse Helms on a gay pride parade float." —Comedian Will Durst, on Al Gore

    "At least I didn’t trade Sammy Sosa," —New York Times reporter Adam Clymer, on the smart-aleck answer he thought of giving in response to George W. Bush’s vulgarity, referring to Bush’s own major-league experience as owner of the Texas Rangers.

    "Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain." —Tonight Show host Jay Leno

    "Al, how long have you been on the road?" —Late Show host David Letterman, when Gore told him the prolonged kiss he gave Tipper at the Democratic National Convention was "just a little peck.''

    "Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'" —Late Show host David Letterman

    "I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he? He's just unbelievable." —Al Gore, watching Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan

    "This Internet thing you invented is neat." —George W. Bush, responding to a campaign challenge issued in an e-mail from Al Gore

    "I don't see it as a stain." --Bill Clinton, reflecting on his impeachment

    "It really gets me when the critics say I haven't done enough for the economy," he said. "I mean, look what I've done for the book publishing industry. You've heard some of the titles. 'Big Lies,' 'The Lies of George W. Bush,' 'The Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.' I'd like to tell you I've read each of these books, but that'd be a lie." –President Bush, at the White House Correspondents Dinner

    "I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it." --John Kerry, on voting against a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq

    "I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Sen. Clinton. She's the only person who's at the center of more conspiracy theories than I am." --Dick Cheney, at the Gridiron Dinner

    "Here's an unsigned question. 'Mr. Vice President, don't you think it's time to step down and let someone else add new energy and vitality to the ticket?' No . . . I don't. And Rudy [Giuliani], you need to do a better job disguising your handwriting." --Dick Cheney, at the Gridiron Dinner

    "The candidates are an interesting group, with diverse opinions -- for tax cuts and against them, for NAFTA and against NAFTA, for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act, in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts." –-President Bush

    "It's actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand." —David Letterman, on Clinton's book
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

  2. #2
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    Love 'em. It's nice to see Bush, who I certainly see as no mental giant, being nicely self-deprecating at times.

    More words dissection (thank you, Gallagher):

    Take the word "pro."

    What's the opposite? "Con."

    Therefore,

    The opposite of "progress" is.......................

  3. #3
    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    I'd love to have a better candidate but for now Bush is it.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

  4. #4
    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    I found more. I am pretty sure the supply is inexhaustable.


    "I hope you're all Republicans." - Ronald Reagan speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

    "My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes." – Ronald Reagan joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

    "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'" ~ Ronald Reagan

    "I'm afraid I can't use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." –Ronald Reagan refusing a gift of a mule

    Appearing before an audience of young voters, the Democratic hopefuls were asked which of their fellow candidates they would most like to party with. Sharpton answered, "Mrs. Kerry -- I'm sorry." To which John Kerry replied: "I was going to choose Carol Moseley Braun, but now I'm going to have to choose you so I can keep an eye on my wife."

    "I often get asked the question, 'Is there anything I would have done differently?' And yes there is. If I had it to do over again, I would have kissed Tipper much longer at the convention. But she was struggling." —Al Gore on the 2000 presidential race

    "Lieberman-Buchanan: A ticket only a mother can love... Lieberman-Buchanan: Building a bridge to the 14th century." —Sen. Joe Lieberman, suggesting slogans for his possible run for the White House, which he jokes will be made with Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan

    "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
    * M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

    "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
    * M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

    "I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say." ~ Richard Nixon.

    "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git." ~ Alexai Sayle.
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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    God/dess montythegeek's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    Lilith you left out a goldmine---Will Rogers with such gems as "I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat." (circa 1936)

  6. #6
    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    Will Rogers~ "I do not write jokes. I simply watch the government and report the facts."

    That's off of memory, so I might have the quote wrong.
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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    God/dess montythegeek's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    I think an honorable mention should go to the unknown wag (to me at leaest) who came up with the gem " To err is Truman."

  8. #8
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

    - Mark Twain

  9. #9
    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    I use that as a signature elsewhere. I love Mark Twain.
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

  10. #10
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    From Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary:

    CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

    POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

    PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.



    And this has nothing to do with politics (well, maybe....), but I love this one:

    CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

  11. #11
    Featured Member Lilith's Avatar
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    Default Re:Political Pratfalls

    Here's one, but I forgot where I heard it.

    "If you are under 40 and a Republican, you have no heart. If you are over 40 and a Democrat, you have no brain."
    He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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