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Thread: Men & Romance- "The One"

  1. #1
    madmaxine
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    Default Men & Romance- "The One"

    Thoughts on people who wait for the "One" (I'm not one of them, and I was cynical before I was a dancer, thank you very much.) I think some people build things up to be more than they are, or lie to themselves.
    I have had a couple romances where I felt something powerful and madly strong for a guy- but the relationships did not last and left me feeling that maybe that "zing" feeling isn't that important. Maybe our attraction styles change as we get older...
    I'd have to say I judge men differently now that I've had so much interaction with them. I am always surprised by their Romanticism- a male friend of mine got upset at me for referring to men jokingly as "roving f*ck machines." Well, that view is a product of my work. But, my chief irritation come from men who claim to be on a Holy Grail quest for the One. And these aren't rednecked jerks I'm talking about, but artiste types. High standards, needs, wants and desires, but not much thought to aligning themselves to what they are seeking in a woman- you know, for her sake.
    Well, I hope some guys respond to this, is is a call to defend yourselves. And your romantic ideals.

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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    I've seeked the Holy Grail on clubs when I was a rookie, now I simply enjoy them



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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Let me understand this.

    You believe you have a unique insight into men because of your interaction with them at a strip club, a place where men go to get away from reality and where men may not necessarily be themselves as afforded by the artificial construct of the strip club fantasy.

    The aforementioned opinion is being posted on a board where 99% of the female members do not want men to develop any insight into women on the basis of their employment--essentially fantasy service providers in an artifically constructed environment.

    Did I get that right?

    How does that paradox fit into your paradigm of what men are and aren't based on a strip club analysis? Are you ignoring the implied double standard out of convenience? What is it you're really asking or theorizing here?
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    I wouldn't mind it, every time i find the perfect girl she's taken. I'm exceedingly picky in that regard.

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    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Interesting post..

    I surely don't believe in any such concept as "The One"... mainly because my best, most impactful and most wonderful relationships always came from someone whom I would have never approached or otherwise "chosen" by my own past measuring stick or definitions of what I'm looking for. They just kinda happen out of nowhere.

    I've also been in love a few times (.. even engaged once..), and know by now there are LOTS of quite wonderful, life-long capable soulmates out there. No shortage of wonderful, warm people!

    Losing the concept of "The One"... it's not so much a lowering of standards but more a case of measuring what's truly important- which is the chemistry, joy and spiritual bond that occurs when we are together. Damn all rules, molds, stereotypes, logistics, history and convention. She doesnt have to be a certain height, a certain build, a certain race, a certain education level, enjoy a certain style or set of tastes... none of that. If I have a hunger for her, and she has the same or greater hunger for me.. that's all we need. If the joining is good, then relax and enjoy the ride and hope it stays that way for as long as possible, if not forever. Compatibility is a two way street, and no hurry trying to figure that all out.

    This leads to much better relationships. If ever there is some big 'confession' of something in the past, it's unimportant and leaves me unphased because the real focus is what's really important... and if anything, it was a blessing in disguise for leading them up to the chain of fate to the point that they are at now, which is someone I care deeply for.

    I'm also all for both monogamous/loyal relationships as well as open ones. I've been in several open relationships, some with 'dont ask, dont tell' and some (and one currently) with full disclosure. This really opens things up sexually and allows the ability to dispense with jealousy, insecurity and all that associated nonsense. A lot of women I've been with really need this as it gives them permission to explore themselves while also having the security and intimacy they need and can rely on. The kind of bond this leads to is very pure and very human. It also extends a great deal of trust and communication, which is not only very hard to find, but what I consider the very core basis of relationships. If you have both of those down, it's pretty hard to go wrong. Knock on wood, 7 weeks and growing.

    I hope this answers your question to some degree.
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  6. #6
    madmaxine
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Casual Observer- I was asking this question by itself, with marginal regard to stripping. I ask here on Stripperweb because I spend quite a bit of lurking time here and have noticed that the male posters are articulate and all different.
    I don't take all my observations from work. I have had the great fortune to know good men through my life- dad, uncle, three brothers, good bosses at a government job (i.e., nookie not allowed) so I have had times where I did not have the same perspective on men as I do know. (But, short answer, my romanticism was squashed by a bad relationship before I danced.)
    Maybe I'm jealous because it seems like society supports men finding a perfect wife to make little babies and a home with. Not a bad thing (that is what makes society: family units) but general society isn't so rah-rah about a slip of a thing like me running home, alone, with a cool few thousand in cash for taking my clothes off. I'm cheating the system...
    Yeah, my job has tanked my romances. It wasn't just the job itself, but the "I don't need you to support me" aspect too. This goes back to men's feelings of being needed and treasured- romantic feelings. This has changed my judgement about men, but more on that later.
    It's a sensitive topic, but I have been stewing inside about it. I know genuine regret for having treated men poorly- for a long while I assumed they wouldn't have anything real to give me and I treated them like meat. It's not that you regret every f*ck-up, but rather certain people that deserved better than you gave them at the time. Hey, so if a heartless stripper like me can feel bad for playing men, can't a man learn to look at women differently, and not as a culmination of all his wishes and desires?

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    All the good chicks are taken. I have shitty timing.

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    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    i believe that most men are not capalbe of being romantic...or only do so until they 'hook' you...

    most men don't believe in the concept of 'the one' either...they'd rather have 'many'...even if they have a wife...and i believe that our society supports this way of thinking...otherwise...people would come down hard on the men for fucking around on their s.o.'s...or for being promiscuous...instead of giving the 'boys will be boys' excuse...and then turning around and call a woman a whore...just for wearing a bra top and booty shorts...and that woman will have never fucked around on her s.o. ...

    these opinions of mine come from my experiences with men...i've never had the privilage of seeing what a 'good man' behaves like...or what he thinks...as my dad fucked around on my mom...and my grandfather...tried to fuck me...all of my 'romantic' relationships were bad as well...i could say more...but then i'd drift off topic...if i haven't already...

    madcap...not all of the good women are taken...some of them have given up on men...like me...
    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

    Look out for self...because noone else will...AND
    The greatest revenge in the world...is success...

    Reclusivness...is a good thing.

  9. #9
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Two people meet and don't seem to have common interests... "no chemistry"....they move on.

    Two other people meet and find some sort of attraction...immediately the body begins to exude chemicals within the brain and a "crush" of sorts is felt. Chemistry...as it does actually exist.

    Move on...romance....music...walks in the park...etc. Get married, blah blah blah, 2 -3 years down the road and BAM....reality sets in. Where's the fuzzy feeling we used to have?

    These are common feelings/experiences and there is nothing wrong with them. There are periods of euphoric feelings that will go away, and that is normal. From what I have read, it does take at least a couple of years for the "honeymoon" feeling to go away (that's the ZING). It doesn't mean there cannot be romance...it just means that the relationship has progressed.

    Some people become addicted to the "fresh" feeling of a relationship and think that is what all relationships should be at all times. Those people will spend their lives having brief "zing" encounters.

    Maxine - I'm not sure what comments you are looking for regarding comments, but anyone who tells you they are the Holy Grail is lacking modesty - if you like people like that, then go for it. If it's not your cup of tea, then that is a perfect example of natural incompatibility.

    Topaz - I see your comments from time to time often hinting to the serious clusterfuck you experienced as a child. I cannot imagine. I, like so many others (I suspect) would love to say to you "Not all men are shit...don't give up on everyone." But I realize you've heard this countless times.

    If it makes anyone feel better, I still buy my wife "Honest, I didn't fuck up" flowers

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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz link=board=1;threadid=10906;start=msg135694#msg135 694 date=1089544016
    madcap...not all of the good women are taken...some of them have given up on men...like me...
    Though it hasn't always been this way, i have grown out of the "fuck as many women as i can before i die" phase. I was a dirty, dirty dog once upon a time. I don't know why or what happened, but all i really want is one now. And now that i just want one, i can't seem to find her.

    Karma maybe.

    Topaz, one of these days i'll have to tell you about a girl named Carmen. It's not only men who scar people (not that i'm trying to out-hurt you or anything).

  11. #11
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Interesting thread.

    Me, i have (lately) found the guys (actually we found each other) who like the hell out of ya, can't stop calling, romantic blah blah blah, and then BAM....They want to change me.

    Either my hair is too long, i dress too provacative, or i am very nice to other people. Bottom line is i will NEVER cheat. Let me be me! Trust me, gosh.

    As far as Karma goes, it will come back and kick you in the ass, or him. Be yourself ALWAYS, be kind, if the chemistry is not there give it time, become friends, stranger things have happened. You do seem to fall for the one/s that you really don't want/desire at times.

    Pamela. EDIT: Topaz i have pretty much given up at this point too. I don't want to be changed, only accepted.

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    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    My first wife was my one true love. I was nuts about her. I gave her more romance than she could handle but apparently not what she was looking for. She wound up fucking me over. Ultimatly, we divorced so she could be with this other guy (they wound up breaking up ironically...he was just playing her).

    My marraige to my second wife is more one of convenience for both of us. We were both single parents and it made to sense at the time to establish a base to raise our children. Its worked out well...but shes more like my best friend than anything else. And weve done very well financially. But theres no fire. Thats probably why I do what I do with dancers outside the club. I pay them to stroke my ego and allow me to re-live for a few hours what I thought I had with my first wife. Kind of sad but at this point in my life I dont have the inclination to start over and try and find something real.

    I sometimes think about what I would have done differently. A part of me says I should have tried harder after number one to find someone who met my emotional needs. But OTOH, my kids have turned out great, in no small part due to my seconds wife's great childrearing skills. And in about 10 yrs we'll be so old it wont matter. We'll both be rocking on the front porch reading mail from AARP LOL

    I guess the lesson is that while romance is wonderful, sometimes its not necessary.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Veteran Member bloodydewdrop's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Personally, I believe there is one guy out there for me who I'm supposed to live the rest of my life with. Not because it's a neccessary occurance, but rather it fits with who I am....a romantic and monogamous type. I've been in love three times, and each time it didn't last, so I'm hoping that when the right guy comes along, it will be a permanent situation. I'm not really looking for him....my eyes are open, but I'm living MY life and seeing where things go. Trying to find that balance between taking action and going with the flow.

  14. #14
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Good things in life usually don't happen without hard effort and patience. I've got a good thing going, have had for a long time, but it takes maintenance on both our parts.

    Say "I love you" about 10 or 15 times a day, whether you feel that way or not. Treat the other to something nice, whether it's flowers or a surprise trip or a shopping trip or a day at the races, especially when there's nothing bad going on between you.

    Don't challenge the other once unnecessarily. So they say something silly. What does it hurt you?

    Patience, patience, patience. Sacrifice a little. It's not all about you.

    Good sex. That means figuring out what pleases the other. That takes time, practice, and communication.

    Oh, and you also need some luck. But the more you try to make things happen, the more luck you get. Funny how that works.

    It's funny. We can build a business, we can work on our house, we can maintain a car, we can rear our kids, and we all know that it takes a lot of TLC and working our asses off. But when it comes to relationships, we expect to just "find" someone. News flash: Good relationships are the result of work, too.

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    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Jay great post. And Im gonna bookmark it. Probably too late but its worth reading again and again.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Featured Member scorpio's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    madmaxine, I think you need to look within yourself. What kind of vibes are YOU putting out? You seem to be defensive, untrusting, cynical, and shallow emotionally. Like atrracts like, so with your attitude exuding through your actions, whom do you expect will be attracted to you?

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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Well, I met my SO from a friend. The minute we saw each other, I just "knew".

    But, we have GREAT days and we have not-so-great days. Sometimes it feels like we don't need to put forth any effort in our relationship and other days it seems like strangling the shit out of the other is the only way to cope. LOL But, it takes a lot of work.

    MadMaxine...I've been hurt in relationships before. I don't know how old you are, but there should come a point in your life that you sit back and start realizing all of the "blessings" and growth opportunities that were in that "terrible" relationship. As soon as you can look back and see how far you've come and how much you learned about yourself through your past relationships, then you will be on your way to finding a relationship that you feel fulfilled within. Until then, you are bound to keep repeating the same mistakes until you learn from them. Also, we cannot "complete" anyone. We need to be completed within ourselves and complemented by someone.

    Hope you find the happiness within you are seeking.

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    Veteran Member SaraNLA's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Jay, I love your post. It is soooo right on.

    FBR, I feel bad that you say it's too late! It really isn't, is it?? I'm sorry your first wife did what she did. Why wouldn't it be possible to make this happen with your second wife? I bet if you talked to her about adding fire to your relationship you guys could make it happen. Am I being too naive here? It sounds like you guys have so much going for you.

    Anyway, Maxine, I think the way you are viewing men is going to keep you from finding someone special.

    I too have been hurt, and it makes it very hard to move on. I know what I want though, and am willing to work at making it happen. I am with someone now and there are areas where our relationship lacks, so I am learning how to speak up and put forth the effort.

    Yep, I do think there is such a thing as 'the one' -- and it's very difficult to find. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and patience and time. I guess that's what makes it so valuable. Otherwise, we'd take it for granted (like some fools do). I'd rather be by myself for a very long time than settle.
    Let your indulgence set me free. - Shakespeare

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    Featured Member bambiblue's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Awesome topic. I personally don't believe in "the one" anymore either. Although when I was much younger, naiver..... I did. It only took that one time of getting my heart broken, shattered....( you get the picture) to realize that love doesn't last for ever, or that people grow apart and feelings change. I think there can be more than one love...not at the same time though..... and it can be extremely intense and it can be a defining point in that era of your life.
    But true commitment takes work and diligence. It's not ready-made. Many times I have felt like never ever giving love a chance ever again because it hurt so bad and it seemed so impossible to find someone who was willing to love me for me. So for me there have been a few "the ones" but never one that I loved enough to completely believe that we would always have forever together. Life is full of waY TOO MANY surprises to believe that.

  20. #20
    madmaxine
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    I'm not so worried about finding a "perfect" mate. I joked to an ex of mine that I wished I could "steal some sperm" to have a baby, but the only thing stopping me was my desire for a father figure for my kids.
    I did learn a lot from my bad relationship. Unfortunately, it was mostly all negative! But I did learn a few good lessons: give credit where credit is due. If you want something done right, do it yourself. And...the most wrenching thing: some people will never be good enough for someone else. That goes both ways.
    I think what spurred me to write about this subject was meeting a man in the throes of heartbreak (he was the whole nine yards of despondent, weeping, talking about his ex incessantly, begging her to stay when she showed up at his place.) But then a pal of his confided in me that she wasn't so fantastic, that it was his need for a constant female companion that made her seem so Perfect in his eyes. He claimed that he would never tire of her, and he wanted to have children with her, even though she was not exceptionally bright and considerably younger than him...his friend pointed out that this girl did not really treat him that well. He was a prisoner of his enfatuation.
    I've seen this a few times in my life. I've been there too. I'm not smacking down all the Romantics. I'm a closet Romantic myself. But it's true, you need to be good all by yourself before you go seeking someone to share your life. IMHO, a lot of the nightmare damaging relationships come from one weak person feeding off of the other, stronger one. And the weak one happened to find the strong one's weak spot.....

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    I don't believe in The One.

    People enter and leave your life for any number of reasons, and some simply stay longer than others, as your life begins and ends its various stages. It's not cynical, just typical. Some relationships simply run their course sooner than others. That said, I'm a pretty hardcore romantic; if you really, really love women, there's no other way to be. Women are far and away my favorite thing on this planet, and I pursue them and their charms with all due haste (frequently to my own detriment, but such is the way of a vice), though I've always preferred quality in my relationships to quantity of relationships and/or encounters. Like FBR said, you quickly reach the age where your ability to fully enjoy everything a woman has to offer irrevocably declines.

    But romance isn't what makes relationships; it's commitment that makes them work--being the solid, reliable partner when it's not all sunshine and rose petals, and when the excrement really impacts the air circulator. Hallmark doesn't write cards for moments like that, and frankly, those moments reveal the true strength of a relationship.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    hmmm...well I'm not too sure if my comments are along the lines of what you're looking but...

    There are differents stages or levels of love. They've got varying degrees of passion, commitment and romance. (Wasn't that called Steinberg's Triangular Theory?)

    Anyhow, relationships take work. Romance gets the ball rolling. Committment keeps it solid. And the smart couple will know to interject a passionate moment here and there to keep the ball rolling.


  23. #23
    Veteran Member urnemesis's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Every time im with a woman she is the one but then i see anotherone.
    oooooooooooohhhh why cant i have them all.
    The only Bush i like is between your legs.


  24. #24
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re:Men & Romance- "The One"

    Well I'm still a romantic, despite the best efforts of the women of the world to destroy that part of me.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Lets not forget your own efforts...

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