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Thread: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES - To Date)

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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES - To Date)

    Hey everyone,

    I know many of you have enjoyed the thread "You Know You're A Stripper When..." The other day I took a few moments to compile the lines into one document. I tried to attach it, but failed. Oh well.

    Anyway, upon the suggestion of Lena, I've created this thread with all the lines in one place for you to copy/paste and print with ease.

    If you would rather have a .pdf or .doc forwarded to you, feel free to let me know and I'll be happy to e-mail it out.

    Thanks to everyone who contributed to the list. It's been alot of laughs.

    Enjoy!

    verfolgung
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    From the contributors of StripperWeb.com




    You know you're a stripper when.......


    You're in a public place when a guy calls out your stage name and you start to respond before you realize he's not even talking to you.

    You start to think of your future purchases in terms of lap dances. (Example: It's gonna take 5 lap dances for me to buy this new bracelet.)

    You buy the following items in bulk: body spray, scented lotion, make up, and thongs...and you keep the receipts to try to write them off on your taxes.

    You buy scented hand sanitizer in bulk, and you use it on more than your hands.

    You go out with 'regular' friends and feel the need to censor yourself on the dance floor.

    You have two separate sections for your wardrobe and makeup - one for your 'regular' self and one for your 'stripper' self.

    Your concept of 'tomorrow' is far different from that of everyone else you know.

    Your pet has glitter in its fur.

    You drop $100 on cheap plastic shoes without batting an eye, but scoff at paying more than $25 for a decent pair of leather shoes.

    You get asked by drag queens where you got your _____, when you're just walking down the sidewalk.

    You unconsciously start swiveling your hips while either standing in line at the grocery store or hanging out at a "regular" bar.

    You go out to a restaurant and feel the need to tip the waitress, the hostess, the barmaid and the busboy.

    You try to take your change from the clerk at the grocery store by squeezing your breasts together with your hands.

    You think nothing of buying something for fifty dollars and paying for it all in ones.

    You get dressed and undressed while not removing your shoes (even at home).

    You think "Breakfast" takes place BEFORE you go to sleep.

    You don't own any porn, but you know of more porn stars than most people can imagine.
    (Okay, let's be honest - you own some porn!)

    You try to casually see how much a guy is taking out of the ATM, no matter what ATM it is.

    You don't take offense to hearing "nice tits".

    You have to "think" whenever you introduce yourself.

    You go shopping with a load of crinkled dollar bills.

    You dig in your purse for something and see the mandatory black t-back in a plastic bag which is there just in case you decide to work at a moment's notice.

    Your friends all come to you when they need to borrow some sparkly accessory like rhinestone bracelets, chokers, necklaces, etc.

    You have a business card collection from all the clients at work in your glove compartment which you meant to throw out but never got around to it.

    You know all of the restaurants in your town that are open at 3 AM.

    You walk through a nice restaurant and find yourself automatically giving business men that "come hither" look, and occasionally have to stop yourself from going over to their tables.

    You get pissed off at your day job because obnoxious guys talk to you and you're thinking that they should be paying you to endure their conversation.

    You think a "C cup" no longer seems impressive.

    You watch movies at home while lying on the floor in front of the TV and practicing backwards somersaults and leg extensions.

    You think about how nice it is to see your dog when you get home because she NEVER thinks you're a whore.

    You can tell the difference between a friend who comes to the club or a customer by how they treat you when they run into you in public. (A friend will let you decide if the people around you would be cool with you saying hello.)

    You have plenty of dollar bills but not a single quarter to make a call with.

    You think a man who brings chocolate to the club can become one of your best friends.

    You have nights where just one man with manners would your life a little better (sometimes a LOT better).

    You have to restrain yourself from trying out new pole tricks on the light posts in the middle of a busy street.

    You wake up in the middle of the night to write down the pole trick you just dreamed about. Then in the morning you realize you're not nearly flexible enough to pull it off.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:16 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  3. #3
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    You spend more on beauty products in one month than you used to spend in a year.

    Your bust line continues to grow and you're well past the age of puberty.

    You can tell at a glance if someone has a boob job.

    You go from being "the girl in class with the big chest" to "the girl in the club with the small chest".

    You hear a song on the radio and say, "I used to strip to that song!"

    You hear a good song on the radio and automatically start thinking of how you can work it on stage.

    You think of songs you like in terms of whether it will be a good early/late song or a good 'crowd' song.

    You hear a good song and wonder whether it's long enough to allow you to make the 'rounds' on stage before it ends.

    Your friends have college degrees and 'proper' jobs, but you always seem to have more money than them.

    You go out clubbing with friends, and are the only one who doesn't complain about the cover charge and drink prices - they're cheaper than what you're used to.

    You used to try making your chest appear larger, but now you try to conceal how big your chest is.

    You think a quite night at home sounds better than going out.
    .
    You know men who get intimidated by how independent you are.

    You own more T-Bars and G-Strings than regular underwear.

    You're reminded by certain songs of specific clubs you've worked in.

    You can spot a fellow "incognito" dancer from a MILE away.

    You go to a store looking to buy clothing, and you tend to flirt or ask a male salesperson what he thinks.

    You're waiting in line patiently, then your mind strays off to music and dancing and before you realize it you find yourself dancing in public.

    Your customer calls out to your stage name and you respond and talk to him without realizing you're not in club and you’ve got your friends or family with you.

    You date guys with more income than you simply because you think you'll be able to avoid "insecure" men (ego trip).

    You have a hard time buying the concept of any shoe with a less than 4" heel as being "sexy".

    You cheerfully browse through Frederick's of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret catalogs in public.

    You can spot a fellow dancer by her nails and the familiar "stiletto limp" (that wobble that comes after a long night on the job when you're not used to walking in flat shoes yet).

    Your vacation plans center around amateur nights and clubs you just *have* to check out.

    You take your kid (or a kid) to the park, and practice pole work on the swing set or jungle-gym. Great stares from the fathers, and even better from the moms!

    You can't find a hair tie, but the garter left in your pocket book works just as well.

    You used to complain about how "uncomfortable" you felt in thongs and suddenly now your have an undies drawer chock full of them.

    You're now be used to wearing a G-string hours at a time.

    You routinely pick up things from the ground without bending your knees.

    You tell your family that you have a "great new part-time job working as a cocktail waitress," but won't tell them where.

    You used to never even undress in front of the dog, but now you waltz by the window nude without a second thought.

    You get asked by a man for your name and you give your stage name without skipping a beat.

    You go out dancing with friends and wish you were at work so you could get paid for the flirting your doing.

    You pray the subway cars are empty so you can swing round the poles in the passenger carriage.

    You have an extensive corporate clientele base that would make your bank manager jealous.

    Your standards for intelligence are about a hundred notches lower than they used to be.

    You are kept awake at night trying to think up new pole tricks.

    Your main topics of conversation are hair removal and boob size.

    You gawk more at beautiful women than beautiful men.

    You think you recognize every guy in the mall or grocery store.

    You feel you can arrive in any town and have a job that night.

    You can lie and not feel bad about it.

    You can creatively lie without a problem. (A dancer once told her customer that she taught her cat to skateboard. He believed her - scary!)

    You walk into the deli at 4 AM getting weird stares because you're wearing sweats while in full makeup and lashes.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:18 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    You can look at a guy and guess his occupation within 3 tries.

    You watch T.V. on the floor folded like a pretzel and it's comfortable.

    You meet a guy at a normal bar or club and you have to pause to think about your stage name/real name, err...

    You get strange looks out in public and only then you realize that not only is a twenty wrapped around your finger but you're fondling your own breasts.

    You can try on an outfit in a fitting room in 20 seconds or less, without taking off your shoes.

    Your days off are the same days you wear your period panties.

    You shrug off expensive shopping trips by saying, "I'll just work a double on Friday."

    Your friend brags about a 2 dollar per hour raise and you feel pity for her.

    You're comfortable buying a skirt that should probably be described more accurately as a belt.

    You consider names like Dani Starr'(copyrighted) and 'Amber Night' as common amongst your work peers.

    You feel totally comfortable being naked with only shoes and a choker on, bent over with your legs spread and looking another female straight in the face while asking, "You can't see my string can you?"

    You have a handheld black light that you take shopping with you so you are positive before you buy, that the outfit really does glow.

    You know more doctors, lawyers, politicians, and businessmen off the top of your head than anyone.

    You go to dinner and leave a tip with 4 free passes to your club for the male server.

    You pay your personal trainer for your first month of training in passes.

    Your idea of sexy nightwear are sweatpants, and pajamas.

    Your idea of "Business Attire" is most of the Victoria's Secret catalog, your old high school cheerleader uniform, and a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.

    You've had thousands of dollars worth of contracting, and services done for free by regulars, that would put a normal person in bankruptcy for years.

    You consider 25 phone calls from men in an hour "normal", and you’re not a telemarketer.

    You've had at least 3 marriage proposals in one night from perfect strangers.

    You've had the following items sent to you everyday for a month - flowers, perfume, cards, jewelry, and stuffed animals - from 5 different people, and you don't even know their names.

    You will know by first name, all the cops, paramedics, nurses, and waitresses because they all eat at the same place you do when you get off shift.

    You have dropped at least one weight on the foot of a "customer" more than once at the gym for rudely interrupting your work out by giving you a grope.

    You've had at least one crazy women come after you 3 day's after giving her husband a lap dance.

    You can't remember your real name anymore when it comes to filling out paper work.

    You consider, coming home with $200 in cash a bad night at work.

    You start absentmindedly slipping of the straps of your tank top and gyrating when a sexy song comes on the radio...in the car...while you're driving.

    You can fit your entire wardrobe into a Crown Royal liquor bag.

    You can walk all night in 7 inch platforms, but when you're walking up the steps to your house in sandals, you bust your ass.

    You go shopping and try on clothes while walking around in your bra and underwear in front of whomever and not caring.

    You stop being polite to strangers' dumb jokes, comments, pick up lines, etc. because they're not gonna tip you or buy a dance anyway.

    You've tried every beauty tip in the book to get rid of ingrown hairs.

    You're considering at least one cosmetic surgery procedure that you would have blown off before, but NOW it sounds like a good idea.

    You consider a pimple on your butt more of a problem than one on your face.

    You earn 2 grand a night but refuse to pay your $20 parking tickets, until the collective fines reach 10 grand, and you want your Mercedes back from the impound lot.

    You begin looking furiously for areas without zoning laws to open up your own club in when you retire.

    You can run up and down 2 flights of stairs in six inch stilettos at full speed while applying lip gloss.

    You can do more impressive tricks than a lot of gymnasts, PLUS you do them while wearing 6+" stilettos and after having a few drinks.

    You wear a size 4 and are in better physical shape than 90% of the population, but you still criticize your body incessantly.

    You can run up and down stairs all night in high heels faster than any man, including bouncers.

    You can turn down the most stupid, childish pickup line and still make the guy smile and beg for more.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:19 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    You go out to a bar with your 'normal' friends, decide to have a bottle of champagne for yourselves, and a 'guy you know' pays the bartender without expecting anything but a smile from you.

    You have never spun a record in your life but you are the neighborhood's music expert.

    You actually want to work on your birthday because you know you'll make a lot of money that day.

    You've used a thong as a pony tail holder in a pinch and thought nothing of it.

    You are in public and you automatically reach down your top and adjust your breasts without thinking.

    You automatically stuff money down your top or pants even when not at work.

    You refuse to wear make-up in real life.

    You wink at the cute guy in your calculus class instead of saying a casual 'what's up?'

    You wish a hangover is why you're so tired in class that morning.

    You realize you should fib on that grad school application.

    You no longer care who's looking.

    You dress in sweats with a ponytail, no makeup and a 'don't talk to me' attitude.

    You pay for EVERYTHING in cash, no matter what the cost.

    You both love and hate your body.

    You walk with a bum shake, or a cute wiggling of the hips.

    You wake up and have pins and needles in your foot because you still have your garter on your leg.

    You go out to dinner and a complete stranger picks up the check. Turns out, he was the bachelor's best bud from three nights ago.

    You walk through the mall and overhear, "And MAN, is she flexible!"

    You can repair anything with concealer, a garter, three rubber bands and a large safety pin.

    You walk past the children's school uniform section and think, "Work clothes!"

    You think three inch heels make you feel short.

    You go out to a normal club and feel the overwhelming urge to work the crowd.

    You always keep a couple hundred cash on hand at work, just in case either the costume lady or the cops show up.

    You have someone whistle at you in the mall and you start longing for your bouncers.

    You spray perfume on yourself to get ready for a dinner date with your SO and automatically spray your kitty.

    You have to give back your 5 year old daughter the shorts you stole for hot pants at work.

    You have to be really careful what name you call your friends in front of their children.
    "Mommy, why did she call you Candy?"
    "Oh, that's just my silly nickname, sweetie!"

    You will only buy certain kinds of deodorant because they won't glow under the black lights.

    You have a collection of bills, $1's, $5's and so on, shaped in all different designs like...Frogs, Rings, Bowtie's, Playboy bunnies, and so on.

    You have to use industrial strength epoxy to put the soles or straps of your boots or shoes back together, cause you've been working so much and you just don't want to go buy another new pair of shoes this year.

    You have a scar on your wrist from all the pole tricks you do.

    You use a big tool box for all your make-up, hair products, body products and so on, for that just in case moment you need that odd item.

    You drive an hour and a half home, all you want to do is go to bed but you've got to find the energy to take a shower, so you don't smell like the club.

    You ask your boyfriend to go Lingerie shopping, and he gets irritable.

    You just can't seem to get the glitter out of the upholstery in your car.

    You can listen to a guy make the most obtuse remarks, but as long as he gets a CR you think he's not so bad.

    You've ever flirted with a guy because you thought you could bum a cigarette off him or he could give you a light.

    You've almost gotten into a fight with another dancer because she bummed a cigarette from you're pack while you were on stage without asking permission.

    You have problems like renting a car while on vacation because you can't do anything that requires credit without a co-signer.

    You pay $5 for a pack of smokes at the local convenience store and consider them cheap.

    You've ever had the waitress tell you that the customer you're sitting with can't buy you a drink because you've already got three drinks on three other tables.

    You're so used to looking in mirrors that the objects no longer appear backwards to you.

    You're constantly using gift certificates given to you by customers which are addressed to your "alternative" name.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:21 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  6. #6
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    Your boyfriend is like "How come you never dress up for me?"

    You've ever had a classmate point out that you have a piece of sequin stuck to your leg.

    You make eye contact with your professor several times (out of 250 students)...thinking to yourself he looks familiar "Holy shit! I gave him a LD!" You then sit in the back for the rest of the semester.

    You're out shopping for clothes and you forget you have to get redressed before going back out to look for a different size.

    You go to the bank and hand the teller rubber banded stacks of money that smell good.

    You get excited when it rains the night of your shift. (Bad weather = Busy Shift)

    You adjust your g-string putting your hand down your pants, and don't care, even when you're waiting to cross the street. (You're so used to doing it at work!)

    You've got dozens of people wishing they could "rescue" you, even though you never really felt the need to be saved.

    You can look a guy strait in the eye after he says something like, "Wow, you have the most beautiful kitty I've ever seen!" and still smile to make him feel as though he said something charming.

    You have moments when the only thing you want in the world is a little piece of paper towel with some rubbing alcohol on it.

    You have two or more seamstresses or dressmakers sending collectors after you.

    You consider squatting down while wearing your platforms as a comfortable position to relax in.

    You get solicited on a regular basis with offers to buy your thongs or g-strings for obscene amounts of money. (You have to keep yourself from both laughing and being disgusted because you know they'll pay more for them unwashed!)

    You consider platform shoes and an ID as standard items to bring to a job interview.

    You've ever been in a grocery store and had to quickly think up an excuse for being in the neighborhood because you told the guy, who just spotted you, that you "really" lived three towns over.

    You're comfortable having a five minute conversation with a guy who never looks up to make eye contact with you.

    You can be involved in a conversation while also being acutely aware of everyone who enters or leaves the room - especially if it looks like they may be a big spender.

    You're no longer comfortable going to basketball games with your boyfriend because those break-away warm up pants just always seem to irk you.

    You consider it a normal snack to have a Powerbar and a glass of champagne.

    You visit the United Nations and wonder how those flag patterns would look on a little two piece outfit.

    You've ever vacuumed your house in a pair of platforms because you needed to break them in before work that night. (Bonus points if you've vacuumed in your platforms just because you consider them the most comfortable shoes to work around the house in.)

    You say "Good morning" at 7 PM.

    You go shopping for jeans and a t-shirts and wonder how you can modify them to work in.

    You have a mysterious bladder problem where the phrase "2 for 1" causes you to immediately head for the nearest ladies room. (This phrase has also been known to cause muscle failure. It has been observed on numerous occasions that dancers who were about to get up, upon hearing the phrase "2 for 1", immediately collapsed back into their seat.)

    You frequently touch yourself subconsciously.

    You instinctively check the clock or see who's on stage before lighting another cigarette.

    You think about retirement at an age when most people are just starting to make it in their careers.

    You have no children, yet you buy more packs of baby wipes than the local maternity ward.

    You consider any song over 3 minutes as just too damn long.

    You commonly get splinters in parts of your body that would make others say, "How the hell did you get a splinter there?"

    You own more bikini bottoms than normal panties.

    You've got thirty shades of blush, eye shadow and lipstick floating around your makeup box, but you still can't find the right color.

    Your cell phone address screen looks like this:
    Bambi (Jen)
    Aspen (Misty)
    Celeste (Debra)
    Raven (Melissa)
    Desire (Stephanie)

    You think the last thing you want to hear as you're walking with a customer over to private dance area is, "Hey guys, get yourself a 2 for 1 for the next 10 minutes!"

    You invite your co-workers to a special occasion (b-day party, wedding, baby shower, BBQ, etc.) and have to remind them which name to call you. (INVERSE - You've ever been invited to a co-worker's place and had people stare at you curiously because you just called to your friend with her "alternative" name.)

    You have to have briefings with your dancer friends to get updates on their "lives" just in case one of her customers should come up to you and ask about her.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:14 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  7. #7
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:YOU KNOW YOU'RE A STRIPPER WHEN... (THE COMPLETE SERIES)

    You wake up in the morning, hop in the shower, go to shave your legs and realize you still have your garter on from the night before.

    You've ever tried to use a scruntchie in place of a garter in a quick pinch, but then realized you were cutting off the circulation to the rest of your leg.

    You're shopping at Wal-Mart and catch a guy looking at your ass, and instead of ignoring it you drop something, bend over so he can check out the good's, look at him, giggle and wink.

    You bang up your knees real bad and the first thing you think is "Knee highs or thigh highs?"

    You use more luggage for a day at work than many people might take on a weekend getaway.

    You know guys will have to come up with some other way to verify your natural hair color.

    You collect change from the guy at the drive-through window and say, "Spank ya, babe."

    You know more 50-70 year old men then your mother.

    You've never had a problem coming up with a costume on Halloween. (In fact, you've probably got at least one outfit for every holiday.)

    You're an expert in showing your friends how they can have a complete night out on the town, get totally wasted, and not spend a dime.

    Your tattoo from those rebellious days in high school, which you thought no one was ever going to see, is now a common topic of conversation. In fact, you actively use it as a conversation starter.

    You've ever had a decent night financially ruined because of a chipped nail. (You know the cost to have them redone has just put you back in the hole.)

    You've been told several times that, "You'd be great at selling cars!", but are never quite sure if that was meant as an insult or a compliment.

    You have to make an effort to shut the bathroom stall door in public.

    You have at least 1 picture of your kid in one of your outfits or shoes for work.

    You're known on a first name basis by the people at the Super Wal-Mart 'cause it's the only thing open at 3am.

    You have to make up an excuse where you work when your parents come over and see your work bag.

    You've gotten out of a speeding ticket because the cop is one of your regulars. (If not, you probably know one who is a regular and will fix it for you later on.)

    You're so comfortable taking about your alternative life, you could pass a polygraph without a problem.

    You call off work (or just don't go in) for reasons your friends scoff at.

    You consider working five days a week over time.

    Your male friends can't wait to meet your co-workers.

    You boyfriend gets irritated because you're getting more gifts from strangers then him.

    You feel bad for someone making $10.00/hour.

    Your "normal" way of quitting a job is giving two DAYS notice.

    You dance for your boyfriend you remind him "no touching" out of habit.

    You think having to pay for a drink seems outrageous, but tipping the cocktail server a $5 or $10 is mandatory.

    You're out dancing at a normal bar or club and there are moments when you feel lost without a pole.

    You have to make an effort to shut the bathroom stall door in public.

    You consider it to be one of the most evil substances known to man - BABY OIL.


    You can count money faster and more accurately than any bank teller.

    You know a counterfeit bill just by touch.

    You can guess within a few dollars how much money you have wadded up in your hand.

    You’ve appointed a plastic surgeon as your PCP.

    Your female family members ask you to teach them strippers moves instead of signing up for that class at the health club.



    You can type faster with long fingernails than with short nails.


    You pay most of your bills with money orders.

    You are out in public and see men with various dollar amounts floating above their heads.

    You wear very conservative clothes and no make up to avoid extra attention in public.

    You wear shirts that show off your new boobs to get good service when you go out in public.

    You see men and can categorize them as "lickers", “blowers”, "handsy" etc.

    You're not impressed by Superman's ability to change cloths in an instant. BIG DEAL he's getting undressed; try throwing on a gown and a garter while fixing your hair and sprinting full speed from the dressing room to the stage in 6" platforms!

    You know at lease one customer who will tip you with a joint, and there are some days when you pray he'll stop by.

    You're customers are way more thrilled at seeing a professional athlete in your club than you are.



    You’re no longer concerned by money which glows bleach white under the black lights.

    You love reading stuff like this because its always good to have a few laughs and it can help take the sting out of a shift which might otherwise seem to drag on forever.
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-07-2004 at 12:12 PM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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