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Thread: Heh..

  1. #1
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Heh..

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
    So finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

    Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints - do not work!
    Strong hints - do not work!
    Obvious hints - do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

  2. #2
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Crying is an option in my book...


    These were good Rhia.. Thanks!


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    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    it will always amaze me how men constantly complain about us not accepting them 'as is...no warranty'...when they expect us to change everything from hair color and dress size...to occupation and last name.

    they want us to give up our lives, goals, and dreams...while they still do as they please...including fucking around...as most choose to do...and they get all bent out of shape if we mention quality time and gym memberships...

    i think women give up too much of themselves for their men...and get nothing in return but aggrivation and most times heart break...and too many of us stay with the ones that continue to mistreat us...

    well i for one will never change or rearrange or give up anything for anyone...especially for some 'man' who will more than likely turn around and 'do his thing' anyway...

    they're not worth it
    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

    Look out for self...because noone else will...AND
    The greatest revenge in the world...is success...

    Reclusivness...is a good thing.

  4. #4
    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg151701#msg151 701 date=1091931510
    it will always amaze me how men constantly complain about us not accepting them 'as is...no warranty'...when they expect us to change everything from hair color and dress size...to occupation and last name.

    they want us to give up our lives, goals, and dreams...while they still do as they please...including fucking around...as most choose to do...and they get all bent out of shape if we mention quality time and gym memberships...

    i think women give up too much of themselves for their men...and get nothing in return but aggrivation and most times heart break...and too many of us stay with the ones that continue to mistreat us...

    well i for one will never change or rearrange or give up anything for anyone...especially for some 'man' who will more than likely turn around and 'do his thing' anyway...

    they're not worth it
    I totally agree. Alot of men give a shit about nothing but themselves.

  5. #5
    Featured Member scorpio's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    be careful who you label as "they" because i would never do any such things to a female companion of mine.

    btw, did you ever think that maybe your incredibly bad attitude towards men might have something to do with you attracting bad men to you? Like attracts like.

    Quote Originally Posted by Topaz link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg151701#msg151 701 date=1091931510
    it will always amaze me how men constantly complain about us not accepting them 'as is...no warranty'...when they expect us to change everything from hair color and dress size...to occupation and last name.

    they want us to give up our lives, goals, and dreams...while they still do as they please...including fucking around...as most choose to do...and they get all bent out of shape if we mention quality time and gym memberships...

    i think women give up too much of themselves for their men...and get nothing in return but aggrivation and most times heart break...and too many of us stay with the ones that continue to mistreat us...

    well i for one will never change or rearrange or give up anything for anyone...especially for some 'man' who will more than likely turn around and 'do his thing' anyway...

    they're not worth it

  6. #6
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Sheesh.. This was supposed to be a fun post. I for one, definitely see the humor in it. I also get tired of other women expecting their partners to change for them, but then complain when something is asked of them. It goes both ways.

    I intended for this to be a silly and fun post, not a gender war. Let's not make it into one.


  7. #7
    God/dess montythegeek's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    We will leave the seat down if you wanna live with the consequences. We are entirely willing to raise it--it is your turn to put it back down. Do you see us complaining that women always leave the seat down?

    We like your damn haridoo, It frames your boobs nicely.


    PS. This is sarcasm.

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    Member pooja's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    this list only concludes one thing for me.

    that i wanna be a lesbian in my lext life.

    *or when i'm 50*

  9. #9
    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    my 'incredibly bad attitude' as you put it is based on experience and years of observing others...i've seen way too much across racial and economic lines to think any different....

    you are a part of the less than handfull of acceptions...not the rule...not the majority...that is if you truely treat your s.o. as you say you do...
    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

    Look out for self...because noone else will...AND
    The greatest revenge in the world...is success...

    Reclusivness...is a good thing.

  10. #10
    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    We are not all like that. In fact, none of the guys in my small circle of friends are like that. Unfortunately, I will concede that most men are.

    But on to important things:


    Showers: Men vs Women

    How To Shower Like A Woman...
    * Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
    * Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
    * Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
    * Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    * Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    * Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    * Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
    * Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
    * Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
    * Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
    * Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
    * Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
    * Turn off shower.
    * Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    * Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
    * Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
    * Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
    * Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
    * If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

    How To Shower Like A Man...
    * Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
    * Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.
    * Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.
    * Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
    * Wash your face.
    * Wash your armpits.
    * Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
    * Wash your privates and surrounding area.
    * Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
    * Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
    * Make a shampoo Mohawk.
    * Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
    * Pee (in the shower).
    * Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
    * Partially dry off.
    * Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
    * Leave bathroom light and fan on.
    * Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout "Oh yeah, baby!" and thrust your pelvis at her.
    * Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

  11. #11
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    NO ONE changes unless they truly want to.. you can't change someone and someone can't change you.. only you hold the power to make the changes you deem fit for yourself.


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  12. #12
    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    That's a helluva valid point, gynger. Nothing is stopping anyone from saying "fuck off".
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Moj., ROTFF!!!! Hahaha!!! My scenerio: Hair washed separately (under facet in tub) since it's mid-thigh length. Yesterday, left off conditioner, but used leave in straightener, & spray on leave in conditioner. Legs get shaved (tweezing shaver) on deck, since hairs are blond & hard to see. Hurts when used on pits (OUCH) so they may or may not get shaved. Still have paint splatters on bod from painting.

    RHI!!! Luved this.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  14. #14
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints - do not work!
    Strong hints - do not work!
    Obvious hints - do not work!
    Just say it!
    I am not the marrying kind, but I've often said I would settle down with a woman whose words I could take at face value. It's so seemingly simple, yet completely unattainable.

    Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever be married. And that's OK. Women are still my favorite thing on this planet.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    God/dess A_Guy's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhiannon link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg151512#msg151 512 date=1091907619
    1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1. 1.


    Rhi - a friend emailed this to me not too long ago and I debated posting it for a little bit, however I thought a few would take it too seriously .

  16. #16
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    :rothfl:
    Thanks for yet another good laugh Rhi !
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  17. #17
    God/dess doc-catfish's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    We had a thread on SCJ a long time ago about this list. I personally contributed the following additions.

    1. It should not take you three months to do your Christmas shopping, when we can do ours in three hours.

    1. Opera is NOT a cultural art. Pro wrestling IS a cultural art.

    1. You can gripe about me not doing the laundry when you learn to change the oil in the car.

    1. We burp/fart/make stupid noises with our armpits. Get over it.

    1. Dr. Phil sucks and must die.

    1. All long distance phone calls to relatives/girlfriends must be completed in under two minutes.

    1. Suitcases: You pack it. You carry it.

    1. Pastel bed sheets: Dont EVEN think it.

    1. When we say that You look great!, YES we really mean it (even if we dont).

    1. Having the kids pull our fingers isn't crude, its quality time.

    1. One bra should not cost more than a six pack of our boxers.

    1. Yes, we remember the time [insert seemingly insignificant event here] happened, whenever it was.

    1. All meals are required to contain some form of dead animal.

    1. With regards to previous rule, "fake turkey" does not count.

    1. When the game is on, you may not run out of tampons unless you intend to run out and get them yourself.

    1. That gal you hate so much at work is NOT trying to destroy you.

    1. Were entitled to take you to one movie with gratuitous violence/nudity/lowball humor for every crappy chick flick you make us go see.

    1. No, you cannot have the credit cards.

    1. You STILL have too many shoes.

    1. Since you're always mad at us after watching it, the Lifetime channel will be locked out.

    1. Once we've broken our backs moving a piece of heavy furniture for you, it will NOT be moved back to its previous location because "it looks better over here".
    Former SCJ now in rehab.

  18. #18
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    OMG ! Thats so funny and so true !
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  19. #19
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    1. Since you're always mad at us after watching it, the Lifetime channel will be locked out.
    Amen brother!

    Lifetime, where every guy is a sociopathic, misogynistic, raping home intruder that likes to kidnap children and small pets, and every woman is a sexy, strong independent loving parent in dire straits as the results of circumstances beyond her control in a patriarchal system that tries to hold her down while she sets a strong example for her devoted children.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

  20. #20
    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg152175#msg152 175 date=1091992640
    1. Since you're always mad at us after watching it, the Lifetime channel will be locked out.
    Amen brother!

    Lifetime, where every guy is a sociopathic, misogynistic, raping home intruder that likes to kidnap children and small pets, and every woman is a sexy, strong independent loving parent in dire straits as the results of circumstances beyond her control in a patriarchal system that tries to hold her down while she sets a strong example for her devoted children.
    Yeah, just like real life.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

  21. #21
    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhiannon link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg151512#msg151 512 date=1091907619


    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    As for that #1, if it's that important, get one of these!
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

  22. #22
    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    LOL Doc. Great additions!

    AG.. I hear ya, I think about that a lot before I post things, even the most innocent of jokes. But, sometimes there are some who could take offense to the innocent ones too.. So once in awhile I just say WTF, and post it anyway.. lol

  23. #23
    Veteran Member Topaz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    hey...you just reminded me why i stopped dating...and don't really care to get married anymore these days...no harm done...

    Why do some people still have to fight...to get the same opportunities...that are given to others??...

    Look out for self...because noone else will...AND
    The greatest revenge in the world...is success...

    Reclusivness...is a good thing.

  24. #24
    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re:Heh..

    Quote Originally Posted by doc-catfish link=board=1;threadid=11857;start=msg152101#msg152 101 date=1091985759
    1. You STILL have too many shoes.
    heh heh heh...I have a shirt that says, "Will work for shoes."

    I have about 50 pairs...and counting...although, I do give away aabout half of my shoes 2 x's a year...

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