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Thread: Stupid Men Jokes.....

  1. #1
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Stupid Men Jokes.....

    What's the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds Mature.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do better.

    Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?

    Why do men want to mary virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
    A man's undivided attention.

    What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    1. No mind.
    2. No business

    How is a man like a snowstorm?
    Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
    inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

    Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
    He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

    Why are men like laxatives?
    They irritate the shit out of you.

    If men got pregnant....abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

    Why do men name their penises?
    They want to be on a first-name basis wit the person
    who makes all their decisions.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because they already have boyfriends.

    How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
    Two ways to cross a river.

    What is gross stupidity?
    144 men in one room.

    Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
    Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
    The porcupine has pricks on the outside

    What is a man's view of safe sex?
    A padded headboard.

    How do men sort their laundry?
    "Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

    Why did God create man?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

    Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
    (Although some still will)
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  2. #2
    Veteran Member madison_leigh's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Funny
    My breasts have a career, I'm just tagging along

    "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it may be necessary from time to time to give the stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." -- Miss Piggy

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    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    I love it!!!
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




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    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Adam goes to the hilltop to talk to God.

    "God, why did you make women so Pretty?" Adam asks.

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    "God, why did you make women smell so good?" Adam asks.

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    Adam wasn't finished, "God, why did you make women so soft?"

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    "But, God," Adam asks, a little confused. "Why did you make women so DUMB?"

    "So they'd like you."





  5. #5
    Banned Madcap's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Okay, Time to bust out my VooDooDick joke... (I had to type this out in word, first).

    Thou hast been warned...

    There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He had a gorgeous wife and he knew she was terribly horny all the time and might not be able to stand it while he was away, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
    He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and that stuff, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...." and the old dude stopped short, he looked a little afraid.

    "Except what?" the businessman asked.

    "Nothing, nothing." The Old Man seemed a little frightened.

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is VooDooDick." The old man said the name in a whisper.

    "So what's up with this VooDooDick?" The Businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "VooDooDick, the door." VooDooDick slowly rose out of its box, Hovered in place for a second, then flew to the door, and started screwing the living shit out of the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack split down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "VooDooDick, box!" The VooDooDick stopped, darted back to the box, hovered there for a second and slowly lowered into its box.

    "I'll take it!" said the impressed businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

    The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "VooDooDick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, the young wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the VooDooDick.

    She got the wooden box out, and said "VooDooDick, my pussy!"

    The VooDooDick rose out of it's box, hovered there in mid-air for a second, and shot to her crotch and started pumping like crazy. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her idiot husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

    So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on as best as she could, got in the car and started to erratically drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that VooDooDick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

    The officer looked at her like she was crazy for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. VooDooDick, my ass…�

  6. #6
    God/dess onlythebest's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    That's a really good one!!!
    One of woman's cardinal rule: Body parts can be fake,everything else has to be real.

    一个女人的枢机规则:肢体可以伪造,一切必须真实.

    中国大CHINESE BIG BOOBS!!!中国大




  7. #7
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Madcap
    Adam goes to the hilltop to talk to God.

    "God, why did you make women so Pretty?" Adam asks.

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    "God, why did you make women smell so good?" Adam asks.

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    Adam wasn't finished, "God, why did you make women so soft?"

    "So you'd like them." God replies.

    "But, God," Adam asks, a little confused. "Why did you make women so DUMB?"

    "So they'd like you."

    Hey MadCap, here's one I thought you might enjoy.....

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God.....

    Adam: "Lord, I have a problem."

    God: "What's the problem, Adam?"

    Adam:"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

    God: "Why is that, Adam?"

    Adam: "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

    God: "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

    Adam: "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

    God: "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."

    Adam: "Sounds great!"

    God: "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

    Adam: "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?"

    God: "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

    <<Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adams looks up to the heavens and asks God....>>

    Adam: "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
    Last edited by verfolgung; 10-15-2004 at 10:12 AM.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    God/dess Rhiannon's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


    1. Don&#039;t imagine you can change a man - unless he&#039;s in diapers.

    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

    3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

    4. Never let your man&#039;s mind wander - it&#039;s too little to be out alone.

    5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

    6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

    7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    8. Women don&#039;t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn&#039;t ask for directions.

    13. If he asks what sort of books you&#039;re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

    15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

  9. #9
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    One of my friend&#039;s favorite catch phrases-

    "Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it&#039;s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Quote Originally Posted by polecat link=board=1;threadid=12260;start=msg159254#msg159 254 date=1092934423
    "Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it&#039;s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."

  11. #11
    Member Carmen Solidad's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    How do you know if a man is lying to you?

    His mouth is moving.

    "Sex is currency. What&#039;s the use of being beautiful if you can&#039;t profit from it"

    Lili St. Cyr

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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    How to Shower Like a Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband or BF along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

    4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

    6. Wash your hair again to make sure it&#039;s clean.

    7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    10. Complain because your husband or BF had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

    11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

    12. Shave armpits and legs.

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

    15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

    17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

    18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    19. If you see husband or BF along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



    How To Shower Like a Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife or GF along the way, shake wiener at her making the &#039;woo-woo&#039; sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Wash your face.

    6. Wash your armpits.

    7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

    9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

    11. Shampoo your hair.

    12. Taste your wife or GF&#039;s ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

    14. Pee.

    15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What&#039;s a floor towel?)

    16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

    17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

    18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

    19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife or GF, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the &#039;woo-woo&#039; sound again.

    20. Throw wet towel on bed.

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    God/dess kitana's Avatar
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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    OMG, too funny Mad!!! I love it!

    Kitana
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Quote Originally Posted by ExoticEngineer View Post
    Feel like a damn salt lick at the goats petting zoo!
    <08SM>

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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    Why do some men whistle while on the toilet?

    (So they&#039;re remember which end to wipe)

    Heh..


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    Default Re:Stupid Men Jokes.....

    A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

    "Hi is Tony home?" The dude asks.

    "No he went to the store."

    "Well, you mind if I wait?"

    "No, come in." She replies.

    They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I&#039;d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

    Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I&#039;ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

    Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can&#039;t wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

    A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over. "

    Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
    __________________________________________________

    Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)

    1 Don&#039;t call, ever.

    2 If you like a girl, don&#039;t tell her. It&#039;s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

    3 Lie.

    4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"

    6 Here&#039;s a good pickup line, "My girlfriend&#039;s pregnant, will you go out with me?

    8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.

    9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don&#039;t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

    10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn&#039;t your fault.

    11 Lie

    12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

    13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don&#039;t ask. People will think you have no penis.

    14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

    15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

    16 If you don&#039;t like a girl, but can&#039;t think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don&#039;t know. I just don&#039;t like her personality."

    17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

    18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

    19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

    20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she&#039;s missing and love you for not giving up on her.

    21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

    22 Say things like "Wha...?"

    23 Don&#039;t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

    24 Lie.

    25 Deny everything. Everything.

    26 Good break up line, "It&#039;s not you, it&#039;s me." (ripped off from George Castanza)

    27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they&#039;ll really want to know.

    28 Don&#039;t have a clue.

    29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn&#039;t and disregard it.

    30 No means yes.

    31 Yes means no.

    32 If you don&#039;t get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

    33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

    34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

    35 Feelings? What feelings?

    36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don&#039;t worry. If you don&#039;t have an orgasm, you won&#039;t get pregnant."

    37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it&#039;s not true or kick some ass.

    38 Lie I tell you!!

    39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

    40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

    41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it&#039;s right.

    42 Lie.

    43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don&#039;t even think about saying it.

    44 A general rule: If whatever you&#039;re doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it&#039;s really not worth it.

    45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

    46 Lie.

    47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

    48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don&#039;t.

    49 Try to have a good memory, but it&#039;s OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend&#039;s b-day and eye color.

    50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can&#039;t see them, they can&#039;t see you.

    51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

    52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

    53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

    54 Lie.

    55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don&#039;t know.

    56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don&#039;t know.

    57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON&#039;T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

    58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

    59 You are male, therefore you are superior.

    60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

    61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

    62 Don&#039;t ever notice anything.

    63 If you&#039;re going out with someone but you love someone else, don&#039;t say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

    64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

    65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

    66 Lie.

    67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you&#039;ve done nothing wrong.

    68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

    69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don&#039;t know."

    70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

    71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

    72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.

    73 Don&#039;t ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn&#039;t come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

    74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

    75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

    76 Other peoples&#039; pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

    77 Lie.

    78 General Rule: Different is BAD.

    79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you&#039;ve done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

    80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

    81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn&#039;t want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn&#039;t talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

    82 Three words: Let&#039;s be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it&#039;s bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I&#039;ll pretend I want to be your friend.

    83 Lie.

    84 If you&#039;re on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you&#039;ve been laid in.

    85 When you tell a girl about your past, it&#039;s good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."

    86 Here&#039;s a good trick. Tell a girl that you&#039;re going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad&#039;s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

    87 If a girl breaks up with you because you&#039;re in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE&#039;s the one who wanted to end the relationship.

    88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

    89 Practice your blank stare.

    90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

    91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won&#039;t be asked to do it again.

    92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON&#039;T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn&#039;t work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don&#039;t know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn&#039;t do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

    93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you&#039;ve been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

    94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

    95 Beer. Then more beer.

    96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

    97 One word: FOOTBALL!

    98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don&#039;t want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

    99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

    100 LIE.

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