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Thread: Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

  1. #1
    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Here's why Im asking.

    I have a friend at work who I've been pretty close with for over 2 years now. We're pretty good friends. When we first met she was dating some guy who was a piece of shit (treated her like shit, smoked pot all day, didnt work much... just in general not a great guy). So for over a year she allways complained to me about him and how she needed to get away from him....blah blah blah....she finally breaks up with him and moves out about a year ago.
    Now this past friday night we all go out to a club....She invited me to go and meet some of her friends...whatever....as soon as I get there she ran into her ex and they are all over each other again. OK fine....maybe she just wants ass. Monday morning she comes into work saying how he's changed so much and they are now back together

    Now I can pretty much tell this guy hasnt changed at all just from the 5 minutes I spent talking to him. He was just saying what she wanted to hear and putting on a show.

    I told her I was happy for her that she is happy, but I really dont ever want to hear shit again about this guy....i helped her the first time...now she's on her own.

    My question is, why the hell do people go back to something they know is not good? Are they that blind? Do they really think people changed that much? Do they have no confidence that they can do any better?

    Not that its impossible to change...but come on...for the most part, people will always be who they are.

    This isnt the only case i know about just like this. Thats why im asking....recently i know about 3 or 4 situations which are basically exactly the same.

    And before anyone asks...no I have no interest in my co-worker...lol

    This stuff just confuses me....i loved my last ex more than anything, but she treated me like shit....I would NEVER get back together with her no matter what.

    I just dont get it....its really disappointing

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    I think people can change, But, takes a lot of effort. If you're attracted to someone, bond w/them, it can be difficult to chang/give them up. Selective memory.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  3. #3
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Oh, people change. I've changed. But you can't count on it. And if they do change, the direction of change is unpredictable.





    Geek PS: Sort of like a Heinsenberg Uncertainty Principle of Personalities.

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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    yes people can change but you yourself said you could tell this guy was just saying what she wanted to hear...she'll find out soon enough.


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    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    If this person was heavily into marijuana, but has now stopped using heavily (or at all) then the chances of him having an entirely different personality are very high (no pun intended). I have known a few to go through quite a transformation once stopping (or using) mood altering drugs. So sure...it's possible. If she's smart, she'll be careful.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

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    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
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    Banned Blade's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Yes people can change, but depending on the person(me for example) it sometimes takes a HUGE steeltoed kick in the ass to make them want to change....
    Before I met Dea I was a hellion(hard to imagine isn't it?). I had no direction in life except jail or death and With her getting preggo and me facing prison...I decided it was time to grow up and face my responsibilities and be a man...

  7. #7
    Pamela
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    People only change if THEY want to. Sometimes only a passing moment to get what they want. Other times for love, health, etc. 4-ever!

    Pamela

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    Veteran Member SaraNLA's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Yeah, she should be careful. How long have they been broken up? If it's been a year, maybe....a lot can happen in a year. But any less and I'd be skeptical too.

    Now I can pretty much tell this guy hasnt changed at all just from the 5 minutes I spent talking to him.
    Ahhh, whatever your instincts are telling you is probably right.

    My question is, why the hell do people go back to something they know is not good? Are they that blind? Do they really think people changed that much? Do they have no confidence that they can do any better?
    They still really love the person and want to give it another try, or it's a decision made out of the desire to go back to a comfortable situation, however bad, because at least it's familiar.

    Maybe the way to put it is that people don't necessarily change, but they CAN mature -- which takes a lot of time and it's definitely something they have to do on their own.
    Let your indulgence set me free. - Shakespeare

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Out of my last relationship - I'm the one who has changed. That is why the last relationship ended... he was still who he was... and I was changing.. so the relationship no longer was of any benefit to the both of us.

    It isn't so much my personality that has changed.. it is more my goals.. my direction in life. I started to realise I wanted someone with ambition.. someone with similiar goals to myself.. and that SO at the time.. he was quite happy with his meager situation (working as a waiter nothing more).

    Now.. Mt Isa Boy.. well.. according to him.. he has definately changed. He used to be a real heavy drug user.. forgotten which drug.. now he has cut back to every so often (as his current employment does drug tests - they aren't allowed to use whilst 'on site' or during their 'on' weeks). He has 'grown up' in a way and has one plan/goal at the moment: eliminate his (bad) debt. Then once that has happened.. move out from his folks place (in Mt Isa) to South East Queensland.. and start investing.


    I remember within the first fortnight of us keeping in contact with each other... his ex rang him. He had a really good conversation with her. Basically.. I won't go into details.. he was considering her.. of course.. I reminded him (lol.. yes I had a motive that I wanted him yet I also recognised that he wasn't thinking straight) why he broke up with her in the first place. From the 'sounds of things' he was the one who had changed.... and she was still the same person. (He did acknowledge this in the end and realised I was right )


    I think, in the end, it is "safety in the familiar" esp. in regards to intimate relationships. You don't have to start from 'square one' with that person.. so it makes it easier. That's all....

    She'll probably learn soon enough that he hasn't changed one bit.


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

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    God/dess AinNY's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    See I agree people can change certain aspects of their life...but in the end they are who they are.

    If you're a no good bastard....just cause you stopped doing drugs...doesnt mean you are going to be an angel from now on....you're probably still a no good bastard under it all.

    Good people are good people...and you can tell that no matter what they are doing....bad people are bad people....and it obvious wether they are stoned or not.

    Its possible...but highly unlikely...in my mind im betting this guy and most people underneath it all are who they are.

    I dont buy the fact that drugs make someone act this way or that way....if you can do something while high you can do it when youre sober...

    I dont know...i just dont like when people settle...and thats what appears to be going on here.

    Thanks everyone for your input...they all made a lot of sense...and i appreciate them all.

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Nah, I disagree that people can do the same things sober that they do while impaired. I have done things while impaired that I felt terrible about and would never do sober. Different people feel rage for different reasons. You can't necessarily say that a person who hates because they have experienced abuse, and they lash out, is necessarily a bad person. They are a good person who has been damaged. But yes, underneath all the bullshit, we are who we are. We were born with a personality - we can change our actions but we can't change who we are. You can't force a person to feel empathy when they have none. This guy may be different now, but I doubt it. It takes a major life experience to change most people - as Blade said, a kick in the ass, hitting rock bottom. Maybe she is settling because she is lonely and hasn't found anyone to feel that void - and she thinks she can't do any better. Some of us are suckers for life, and others of us eventually learn.

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    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    Quote Originally Posted by AinNY link=board=1;threadid=13427;start=msg175651#msg175 651 date=1095250930


    My question is, why the hell do people go back to something they know is not good? Are they that blind? Do they really think people changed that much? Do they have no confidence that they can do any better?

    Not that its impossible to change...but come on...for the most part, people will always be who they are.

    This isnt the only case i know about just like this. Thats why im asking....recently i know about 3 or 4 situations which are basically exactly the same.

    And before anyone asks...no I have no interest in my co-worker...lol

    This stuff just confuses me....i loved my last ex more than anything, but she treated me like shit....I would NEVER get back together with her no matter what.

    I just dont get it....its really disappointing

    Why do people go back to what they know is not good? I'm a good example of what you describe here and I have no issues with sharing why.

    A year and a half ago, I separated from my soon to be ex husband, went thru the crying, the weight loss, the "why is he doing this to me" etc... then "miraculuously" (excuse my spelling) he came to me and said he'd changed.. so what did I do? I went back. Why? A couple of reasons:

    1. We had a child together, and I wanted to try for her sake and to truly give him a second chance

    2. Because I was scared to death and not sure if I could handle everything on my own and I didn't believe there was anyone "out there" any better.

    Lesson learned: I am no longer with him. HE didn't change. Oh, he was different at first, until he got comfortable again, but then all the old habits came back and then some.

    I realized I had made a mistake and I left. Now mind you, I just left recently- about four months ago. I am MUCH happier. I don't miss his bullshit or his games, although he still plays them.

    Your co-worker/friend, she may think he's changed, but you are right on the money when you say that you see it before she does.

    You can always have a connection with someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean that that connection is a good one. They may have good sex, they may be able to laugh and have a great time, but bottom line is, is that if your co-worker/friend's ex doesn't want to change, he's not going to, and sometimes it takes someone to hit the complete bottom of the barrell to realize that they need to make changes in their lives. Kinda like the drug/alcohol addicts that have their entire families just shut them out until they hit the lowest possible moment.

    Cycles continue and your friend will see this eventually unless she is co dependent. Which, is another saga in itself.

    Now, as for me, I sit back and enjoy the drama that unfolds everytime my ex decides to "play me"- the tears, the begging, the pleading, etc... and then when he gets angry and starts yelling at me, all I have to do is hang up the phone, or just walk away- and I like it that way.

    Maybe your friend, in time, will see that this dude is no better than he was before.


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    Featured Member Crystal_eyes's Avatar
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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    People change but only if they made the decision themselves and for themselves if they say they are gonna change for somebody it's not gonna last cause they are doing it for somebody ! I changed and I made the decision myself and I didn't listen to anybody that's why I changed and I'm pretty happy with my decision !

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    Default Re:Do people really change? (relationship bullshite)

    I change ... I change my underwear every week, whether I need to, or not.
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

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