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Thread: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

  1. #1
    Veteran Member lethalsoul's Avatar
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    Default Balls

    BALLS

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

    AMAZING CONCLUSION:

    The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
    lethalsoul

  2. #2
    God/dess FBR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Balls

    What does the retired executive get? Marbles? LOL
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

  3. #3
    Veteran Member lethalsoul's Avatar
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    Default Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Clean or dirty?


    A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

    The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: What is 3 x 3?

    Harry: 9

    Principal: What is 6 x 6?

    Harry: 36

    so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

    The teacher says to the principal, Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

    The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

    Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

    Harry replied, "Pockets."

    Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal's eyes open really wide, and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

    Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    Harry: "Bubble gum."

    Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

    The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?

    Harry: "Yep."

    Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

    Harry: "Tent."

    Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

    Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

    Harry: "Wedding Ring."

    Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

    Harry: "Nose."

    Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

    Harry: "Arrow."

    Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

    Harry: "Fire truck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself!"
    lethalsoul

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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here



    Beer Vs. Pussy

    A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
    Advantage: Beer.

    A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy
    makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer.

    Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
    Advantage: Push.

    If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
    disgusted.
    Advantage: Pussy

    24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
    Advantage: Beer.

    If you come home smelling like beer, you wife may get mad. If you
    come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
    Advantage: Beer.

    6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and
    you have done all the driving you need.
    Advantage: Pussy

    Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you
    will get poor.
    Advantage: Push

    It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
    game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football
    game.
    Advantage: Pussy

    If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
    breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to
    get a high five.
    Advantage: Pussy

    With beer, bigger is better.
    Advantage: beer.

    Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
    Advantage: beer.

    Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
    Advantage: Pussy

    If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
    normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an
    alcoholic.
    Advantage: Pussy

    Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is
    more fun.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag
    a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
    Advantage: Push.

    If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a
    pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
    Advantage: Beer.

    If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
    back.
    Advantage: beer.

    The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed
    it.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed
    it.
    Advantage: Beer.

    Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
    Bad pussy: Roseann, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
    Advantage: Push

    Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
    Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
    Advantage Pussy.

    The government taxes beer.
    Advantage: Pussy.

    It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
    Advantage: Pussy.
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69."

    "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

    Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine."

    Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.

    The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-
    roaring fart!

    "What was that for???" he asks.

    "Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says.

    So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose!

    The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going??" she asks.

    The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  6. #6
    Senior Member Sleepy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Strip Club Birthday

    Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

    "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

    The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Dave."
    Hi, my name is Sleepy and I'm powerless over strippers...

  7. #7
    Veteran Member Naomi_Tx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Posted this on the pink site but I GOTTA post it again!
    [rotflmao]
    There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.
    Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the
    newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
    classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
    "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
    "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the
    bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it," and
    he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
    So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the
    bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
    That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the
    house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I
    gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat
    dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner
    has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is
    astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
    dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the
    stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They
    sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
    progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he
    leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he
    decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but
    still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips
    her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no
    one says a word.
    "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's
    Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again,
    total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
    realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the
    motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly
    the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the
    damndishes."

  8. #8
    Veteran Member Naomi_Tx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    [rotflmao]
    A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a
    husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the
    men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
    There is, however, a catch.

    As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor,
    but
    if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first
    floor
    the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my
    last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
    The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further
    up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
    are
    extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
    upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
    extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
    woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she
    heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
    extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
    streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further
    on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345
    to
    this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
    proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
    HusbandMart and have a nice day.




  9. #9
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly." Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.

    On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

    The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

    When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!"

    She paused and said, "Yes?"

    The bird said, "You know."

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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A blonde is in London and needs to call her mother one day to get more money, so she stops in an International telephone exchange.

    "I need to call my Mother in Chicago," she tells the guy behind the counter. "That will be 2 pounds, 6," he says, "or $5 U.S."

    But you dont understand," says the blonde, "I'm broke and need money from home."

    The clerk eyes the shapely girl and says, "Well, maybe we can work something out. Follow me," and he proceeds through a door to the back room with the blonde following him.

    He leans back against a counter, unzips his pants and pulls it out. "I think you know what to do," he tells her.

    The blonde looks at him with big eyes, takes a step forward, gets down to her knees, takes it into her hand, brings her lips close and says, "Hello Mom. Can you hear me?"

  11. #11
    Senior Member Sleepy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A man goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"

    "Why Doc?" he asked. "Am I going blind?"

    "No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!"
    Hi, my name is Sleepy and I'm powerless over strippers...

  12. #12
    Veteran Member lethalsoul's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Marketing Yourself

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
    "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
    One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
    "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.
    The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,
    you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
    bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
    "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
    "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.


    Ladies, you can use this too, just change the male-female roles when you read it again.

    lethalsoul

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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Uhhhh.... are you okay Lethal?? Not only did you post this twice in a thread. You posted it a third time in a totally unrelated thread. What response are you looking for? This has been around at least 2 years.
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  14. #14
    Featured Member Chuck149's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Men can't win

    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

    If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

    If you work too hard...there is never any time for her.
    If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay...you should get off your ass and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism.
    If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
    If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

    If you cry............you're a wimp.
    If you don't....................you're an insensitive bastard.

    If you make a decision without consulting her.......you're a chauvinist.
    If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
    If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
    If you don't..............you're gay.

    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep shape..............you're sexist.
    If you don't.................you're unromantic.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape.............you're vain.
    If you don't................you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
    If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
    If you aren't...........you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache............she's tired.
    If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

    If you want sex too often.........you're over sexed.
    If you don't.......there must be someone else.


    NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!

    THEY WANT TO!!
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

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    Featured Member electric_head's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

    1. You can GET chocolate.
    2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

    9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

    12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

    13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

    14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

    15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

    20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good






    Don't make me spank you!

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    Featured Member Chuck149's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    Kermit Gets A Loan


    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

    So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK cause he knows the bank manager.

    Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.! The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch talll. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"


    (are you ready?)



    (are you sure?)



    (you're gonna hate me!)





    The bank manager looks back at her and says
    "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."


    COME ON . . .SMILE. IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

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    Featured Member Chuck149's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    The Picture on the Nightstand

    After a long night of making love, this guy rolls
    over, looks around, and notices a framed
    picture of another man on the nightstand by the
    bed. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

    "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
    "No, silly." she replies, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend then?" he asks.

    "No, not at all," she whispers, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Is it your dad or your brother?" he asks, hoping to
    be reassured.

    "No, no, no!!!" she says.

    "Well who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.

    Calmly the girl replies, "That's me before the surgery."
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders
    a double martini on the rocks.

    After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,
    then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.

    After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt
    pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

    The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all
    night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your
    shirt pocket before you order a refill."

    The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
    starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  19. #19
    Featured Member Chuck149's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

    One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.

    At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.

    Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.

    During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

    "No, No," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

    "Oh no!" he said. "That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

    "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:

    Has anybody seen my cock?"

    All the choirboys stood up
    "when it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day" ~ Marty Bucella

  20. #20
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking
    beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from
    across the street was so outraged at this that she came over
    and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

    I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam
    from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared
    directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I
    am, that's why she cuts the grass."
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  21. #21
    Featured Member electric_head's Avatar
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    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

    Then he added a mouth.


    Ruined the whole damm thing.

    Don't make me spank you!

  22. #22
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    Well Eh, that's not completly true. The mouth is good for one thing. Just ask ML. LOL. j.k. ML. In light of recent posts, I couldn't resist.

    The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy
    territory. To entertain them, the Major called for Lulubelle,
    a sexy dancer from the nearby town.

    She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the
    soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

    For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra
    and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

    The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause
    went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them
    to quiet down for the grand finale.

    For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance
    naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise
    to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is still
    no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

    The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no
    clapping this time?"

    She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect
    those poor boys to clap with one hand?"
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  23. #23
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
    partner.
    LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your
    partner.
    MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

    LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
    LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
    MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

  24. #24
    Featured Member electric_head's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
    trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
    the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

    Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been
    admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
    seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
    Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
    'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
    he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
    thinking that the light might attract him."

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
    next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
    of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
    face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
    ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
    rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
    and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered
    first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


    TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

    11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

    10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently?
    (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

    9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking
    through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the
    sun.

    8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot
    out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

    7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
    anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
    springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

    6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
    rectums.

    5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
    I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

    4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
    burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one
    ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a
    burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
    God's green earth.

    3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
    men who shove rodents up their butts."

    2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

    1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
    when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up
    a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into
    my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
    truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
    and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named
    Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...







    Don't make me spank you!

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Jokes On Us - Put all your Jokes here

    There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red
    head. They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in
    small print, a note says, "If you say something honest about
    yourself, you will be rewarded. And if you lie, you will
    vanish forever."

    The brunette says, "I think I have the most beautiful head of
    hair." Poof, she vanishes forever.

    The red head says, "I think I have the most beautiful body."
    Poof, she vanishes forever.

    The blonde says, "I think..." Poof.
    When the man says, "I do," it is the happiest day of her life.-Al Bundy

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