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Thread: Dating

  1. #1
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie link=board=1;threadid=5951;start=msg64764#msg64764 date=1074584514
    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=5951;start=msg64706#msg64706 date=1074572540
    So Pumpkin Pie, any thoughts on coping with and overcoming involuntary celibacy?
    First, I'm not a trained psychotherapist. I've never worked for a dating service either. All I have a BA in psychology with a minor in marketing, was raised by a psychologist, and have been for many years a marketing consultant. I will not be able to give you any magic answer and likely no quick solution.

    Second, this discussion shouldn't be in this thread. Start another and I'll give you my two cents worth there. And when you start that new one, I'd appreciate if you would also tell in it:

    + your personality type. See the thread "Who you are" for more on that.

    + what you do for a living. If it's a college student, that's fine and then tell me your major(s).

    + your hobbies and interests.

    + your socio-economic background you were raised in. Blue collar? Middle class? Upper class? Military? Academic?

    + religion or lack there of.

    Then I'll see if I can think of something worth saying. And the more honest you are, the better advice I might be able to give. No guarantees though. Just a willingness to help. However, right now, I need to crash and get some sleep. I'll read what you post tomorrow.

    I'd also appreciate it if you could write it up in such a way that would be not totally focused on you so others can join in on the discussion. Perhaps the thread could be on dating in general. Perhaps asking the strippers here how they go about dating thus it being more appropriate for this forum.

    Night.
    Allright, so this is a seperate thread on dating in general. Fell free to share your gripes, problems, success stories, etc. Particularlly the evolution of your dating life. What obstacles did you overcome? What did you learn along the way? How did you meet your current SO if you have one? Maybe we'll all learn something. If you're having the same troubles as me, you can try answering the same questions and maybe get some feedback as well.

    To answer PP's specific questions towards me:

    My personality profile: INTJ
    Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging
    78 22 22 78

    I recently finished grad school, but I'm still looking for full-time work. I work part-time as a web administrator at a University. I'm looking for a career working with web/UI design, software development, or human computer interaction.

    Hobbies and interests are mainly focused on my computer (games, upgrading, surfing, etc). I also watch a lot of movies, play darts, used to run (knee trouble), and once enjoyed swimming (became a trained lifeguard, but never worked as one). I watch the History channel more than I should. Lastly, investing for the long term is a hobby of mine. I have fun researching mutual funds and building a sound portfolio.

    Family background: middle class, very academic (both parents are faculty at colleges). I've done very well academically, but I'd prefer the money of working in industry to teaching in a classroom (I am an "I"NTJ afterall ). I'm a christian--lutheran; but I only go to church a few times a year. Politically I'm middle of the road, fiscally conservative, socially liberal, support a strong national defense, public healthcare for all, massive investment into our educational system, environmental issues, and raising taxes to pay for it all.

    What else would be helpful to know?
    -lestat1
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Senior Member Spanky's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    letsat -

    My only question is how does being a SCJ mesh with your hobby of investing for the long term? - LOL. I've recently found that the two are polar opposites. The only one who is doing any long term investing is my two favs.

    Dude, your MB scores are skewed strongly to your classifications. I'm an "I" also but only like at a 5 level - so I'm boarderline.

    Good luck with your web career BTW.

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    Veteran Member NVJosh's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    I'm an "E" for the first letter with a "1" rating. Any idea what that implies? I mean, obviously very extroverted. But does the "1" mean I barely made it into "E" from "I" or does it mean I'm about as "E" as you can get?

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Spanky link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17836#msg17836 date=1074611370
    letsat -

    My only question is how does being a SCJ mesh with your hobby of investing for the long term? - LOL. I've recently found that the two are polar opposites. The only one who is doing any long term investing is my two favs.
    LOL - I do it through moderation and being blessed/cursed with dancers that don't know how to cultivate me into a regular.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Default Re:Dating

    Howdy, Les!

    A couple of quick observations while I have only a minute or two. I'm an ENTP but I can vacillate between Extrovert and Introvert. For example, in a SC sometimes I want to be the middle of the party, sometimes I enjoy sitting back by myself and taking in the scene with little interaction. You seem pretty strongly in the "I" category, so you don't seem to get your energy from interacting with people, your energy seems to come from more inside yourself. I note that a lot of your interests and skills are of the more self-sufficient variety. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, it just seems that you don't require a lot of interaction with others to be happy or feel good about yourself. That can be a strength, but it can get in the way of connecting with others sometimes, I expect.

    One other quick comment. You said you have been "blessed/cursed with dancers that don't know how to cultivate me into a regular."

    From my point of view, I don't look first for dancers to cultivate me into a regular, I look to cultivate them into an ATF. If I like someone on stage, I'll give them a nice tip so they'll notice and remember me. Sometimes it takes a couple of times doing that, but then they might stop by and say thank you. I'm nice and polite to them, but don't immediately try to co-opt their time. I try to get them to know me as a solid, dependable presense in the club, always good for a tip. After a couple of visits, they begin to acknowledge me when I'm in the club. I don't project "neediness" or a desire to spend time with them, I project solid dependability, respect, and a friendly face. Over time (usually not much time) they begin to like to spend time with me because they know they can trust me to treat them well. It really doesn't take long, but it does take patience and dependability. It's not a question of what they can do to cultivate me, it's what I can do to cultivate them. It works for me, might not for others.

    I think it's the same with dating. It might sound backwards, but I don't think you should date others simply based on your needs, but you should date others because of what you can offer them in a relationship. Since, as an "I" you don't require a lot from other people, it might be hard to put your mind in a place where you see dating as something you do for the other person's sake, rather than for what you can get out of it, but in a weird way, if you put the other person's interests first in your concerns then you end up getting a lot more of your own needs met in the long run. Sounds backwards, but it works for me.
    Behind every big man is a big behind.

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    Senior Member Spanky's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by NVJosh link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17844#msg17844 date=1074625234
    I'm an "E" for the first letter with a "1" rating. Any idea what that implies? I mean, obviously very extroverted. But does the "1" mean I barely made it into "E" from "I" or does it mean I'm about as "E" as you can get?
    Josh,

    If I remember Myres (sp?) Briggs correctly, you would be a borderline introvert/extrovert. The way the scale works, the higher the number the stronger your tendencies are to that trait. It starts at zero and runs into the 70s (?) in each direction - kind of like positive and negative numbers on a number line. So a 40 introvert is 80 factors away from a 40 extrovert and a 50 "I" would be a much more introverted person than a 5 "I". I think they said anyone with a score of 0 to 10 or 15 could have some tendencies of the oppositie trait.

    Hope that helps.

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17830#msg17830 date=1074586391
    What else would be helpful to know?
    Nah, that's enough. Lestat, you're just an introvert that is doing the wrong activities to meet women. Your job won't/isn't helping the issue either.

    First, you need to develop social hobbies. Hobbies where others are to be part of it. Hobbies where women join in the activities. You're not doing that right now.

    Community theater is always a safe bet and PACKED full of women. You do not need to be on stage. You can be part of the support staff behind the curtain. There's a lot of groups out there that do social things. Seek them out and join those that interest you. It's just that simple.

    You're religious so start attending church. As you're Lutheran, your church probably has a coffee hour between first and second service. Attend it then go to the second service. Young single people go to the second service ... due to wanting to sleep in as late as possible after partying the night before.

    Take an evening class that has a LOT of women in it. Daytime class if you can. Good ones are art and psychology classes.

    As for the elevator routine someone suggested for you in that other forum, don't. That's an extrovert play and not an introvert one. A better play would be to go to a local bookstore that has a lot of cushioned chairs. Scope it out. Get a few books that interests you that MIGHT interest a woman. In other words, do NOT pick any book that has anything to do with computers or porn. When you see a woman interest you, sit next to them. Read a book for a bit. Switch it for another of the ones you bring and at that time ask her "What you reading?" If she doesn't seem bothered by the question and answers, ask "Is it a good book so far?" If she wants to talk to you, she'll let you know in her body language. If she's up for conversation, you can ask her more about the book's topic and you're off. Simple and easy. You're not sticking your neck out that far. You're just trying to be a bit social. It will also be more conductive for you as you're an introvert.

    Hope that helps.

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    Get it answered at Boarding School Forums.

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by NVJosh link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17844#msg17844 date=1074625234
    I'm an "E" for the first letter with a "1" rating. Any idea what that implies? I mean, obviously very extroverted. But does the "1" mean I barely made it into "E" from "I" or does it mean I'm about as "E" as you can get?
    It just means you're balanced on the E/I point. Read both the E and I version of the rest of the type points, i.e., if your score was ENFP, also read INFP. Don't be surprised that you feel the I is closer to you than the E.
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17898#msg17898 date=1074705592
    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17830#msg17830 date=1074586391
    What else would be helpful to know?
    Take an evening class that has a LOT of women in it. Daytime class if you can. Good ones are art and psychology classes.
    Lestat, since suggestions are being thrown out, have you tried dance classes, not Aurthor Murray but at a university/community college, many offer salsa, ballroom, hip/hop etc. dance classes that you can audit, it's a great way to meet and get close to lots of women in your age range, plus you learn to dance which can come in handy at some point down the road. I did it a few times and a group of us would always meet outside of class for drinks (and to dance), I had a ball and met lots of women that way.

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    Veteran Member Pumpkin Pie's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Quote Originally Posted by Richard_Head link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17905#msg17905 date=1074717032
    Quote Originally Posted by Pumpkin Pie link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17898#msg17898 date=1074705592
    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17830#msg17830 date=1074586391
    What else would be helpful to know?
    Take an evening class that has a LOT of women in it. Daytime class if you can. Good ones are art and psychology classes.
    Lestat, since suggestions are being thrown out, have you tried dance classes, not Aurthor Murray but at a university/community college, many offer salsa, ballroom, hip/hop etc. dance classes that you can audit, it's a great way to meet and get close to lots of women in your age range, plus you learn to dance which can come in handy at some point down the road. I did it a few times and a group of us would always meet outside of class for drinks (and to dance), I had a ball and met lots of women that way.
    Great suggestion!
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    Get it answered at Boarding School Forums.

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    I'm taking night classes now, and I've been taking college classes for the past 7 years (not all computer ones). I've encountered women that I'd be interested in, but the few brief conversations that I've had have always been dead ends, and I certainly never tried asking any of them out. Likewise with church, where I don't talk to anyone, and every other 'social' thing I've tried. Dance classes have been suggested to me before. I'm still dealing with the trauma that was the 2 weeks of gym class each year growing up where we were taught "dance." They're kind of a nightmare last resort, and also the most extroverted thing I can think of.

    I appreciate all of these suggestions and someday I might try them; but they're all a bit too advanced for me right now. I need to start slower and more realistically. The last time I came close to asking a girl out I nearly fainted from the stress, so I backed off. I think I'm a little better now, that was some years ago and I've had a tad more experience since then; but all these suggestions are the same ones you'd give to a normal or extraverted person looking to meet women too.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Veteran Member Adina's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Lestat, everything you write is so well-written, and often very funny, so you clearly have intelligence and a sense of humor on your side. That's very important.

    I am the last person to be giving out relationship advice, since my "relationships" are of the hit and run sort and tend to last 3 months, max. But I do know one thing. The old adage "nice guys finish last" rings true. I don't know why, but we chicks seem to make a beeline for the bad boys, the ones who are cool, petulant, treat us like absolute sh*t, and are NOT ones to plan a future with.

    I'm not saying you should try and cultivate a persona like that. I think there are *some* women who have their heads screwed on straight.

    Approaching women involves the possibility of being rejected and no one likes rejection. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, and not take a no personally. You can't please everyone or be all things to all people. That's a valuable lesson in all life situations, not just dating.

    Have you tried online sites, like nerve.com? Swallow your pride and do it. Everyone is, whether or not they'll admit to it.

    Good luck!

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    Pobrecito Lestat,
    I KNOW you. I have known you for many years, since I was a college computer nerd. You were my best friend, who now hates me because he was too shy to ask me out, and the opportunity was lost....You have to grow some cojones, and even when you do, expect 90% rejection, this is normal for all guys. Since you are already so sensitive, you are stuck in a Catch-22 because it will discourage you from trying again...

    I recommend average looking single mother in their 30's...just trust me and try it out. Sorry, but hot young chix don't know what they want yet....sorry to be mean, I am being TOTALLY honest here and everyone knows it, even if they want to coddle you, I think you deserve better....get out of that shell and LIVE LIKE A ROCK STAR!!!

    Meow!

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    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    Adina, I'm actually going to do the online dating thing, I'd just like to find full-time work first (I'm sure you can imagine why, LOL). Your advice on the 90% rejection rate is sound, I've heard dating called a numbers game before. Before I start asking 20 women out a night, I need to figure out how I can ask 1 (and I have a sinking feeling it simply involves lots of practice and pain).

    Katrine, I looked up 'Pobrecito' in an English dictionary but couldn't find out what it means. I'm hoping it loosely translates as "computer stud." Anyway, I'm only 25 and feel a little young to be going after the 30-something single-moms, but I'm happy with an average looking nice girl. I don't need the "hot young chix" to be happy, and I don't think you were being mean. I already know the young women don't know what they want yet, except that they don't go for stable guys like me. C'est la vie.

    Thanks for the advice everyone! According to my INTJ profile I'll be processing it all very carefully and adding it into my internal framework where appropriate (sounds like me).

    -lestat1
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Pobrecito means "poor thing" in spanish. I recommend you sign up for adult education foreign language class at your local community college, usually affordable.

    I also worked as a web/database developer while getting my masters at the university.

    I also know that men who talk about adding behavioral traits to their "internal framework" add an extra year to their virginity every time its mentioned.

    All of the best lovers I've had have been trainedi in their mid-twenties by older women...don't knock it....

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17921#msg17921 date=1074727123
    I also know that men who talk about adding behavioral traits to their "internal framework" add an extra year to their virginity every time its mentioned.
    Meaning we spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing?


    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17921#msg17921 date=1074727123
    All of the best lovers I've had have been trainedi in their mid-twenties by older women...don't knock it....
    I think I'll keep an open mind then...
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    God/dess mr_punk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17914#msg17914 date=1074722368
    Dance classes have been suggested to me before. I'm still dealing with the trauma that was the 2 weeks of gym class each year growing up where we were taught "dance." They're kind of a nightmare last resort, and also the most extroverted thing I can think of.
    it's a good thing i learned how to dance from my older sister. oh man, i remember something like that in school. the gym teachers taught us how to square dance. heheheh......talk about something that's taught in school, that you never have to actually use ever again.

    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17914#msg17914 date=1074722368
    I've encountered women that I'd be interested in, but the few brief conversations that I've had have always been dead ends, and I certainly never tried asking any of them out.
    how could they be dead ends, if you never asked them out ?

    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17914#msg17914 date=1074722368
    Likewise with church, where I don't talk to anyone, and every other 'social' thing I've tried.
    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17914#msg17914 date=1074722368
    The last time I came close to asking a girl out I nearly fainted from the stress, so I backed off.
    nevermind .....why don't you try to remove some of the pressure off your shoulders by taking a few simple steps. it may help you build up a little hutzpah. first step, stop going to stripclubs. i mean, if you just want to look at naked broads, sure. however, strippers can't help you polish your social skills or overcome your nervousness with civilians. you're paying them to be social. in any case, most of them already think you're a socially inept PL anyway. second step, start talking to women. a lot of women. i don't mean hitting on them or asking for a date, but just a pleasant, but meaningless conversation with no particular goal in mind. try to do this in a place where people aren't really pressed for time, like a bookstore, a park, a gym, a museum, etc.

    hopefully, you'll get to the point where you won't feel so stressed out about asking a woman out. so, try not to take the process of asking a woman out so seriously. also, if you're that stressed out, she probably notices the flop sweat too and it doesn't exactly inspire confidence in someone else. oh, if you do go out on a date, here's one last piece of advice: sometimes a woman will break your balls because you deserve it and sometimes a woman break your balls because she can, never let a woman do the latter.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mr_punk link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17928#msg17928 date=1074737466
    first step, stop going to stripclubs. i mean, if you just want to look at naked broads, sure. however, strippers can't help you polish your social skills or overcome your nervousness with civilians. you're paying them to be social. in any case, most of them already think you're a socially inept PL anyway.
    I don't necessarily agree with this, who better to help you get more comfortable around beautiful women than an incredibly beautiful naked dancer .

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_punk link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17928#msg17928 date=1074737466
    oh, if you do go out on a date, here's one last piece of advice: sometimes a woman will break your balls because you deserve it and sometimes a woman break your balls because she can, never let a woman do the latter.
    LMAO, this part did crack me up though.

  19. #19
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re:Dating

    Stop the presses.

    I'm in near-complete agreement with punkarito.

    You can go to the strip club for a salve. But it's not a treatment.

    Doing something provides the cure. You want start doing something until you do something. Do what punkmeister says, and just start talking to girls. Don't even ask for a date. Just hang out with some girls you like.

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    Veteran Member NVJosh's Avatar
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    Default Re:Dating

    I agree with MP, too. I used SCs to avoid having to have real relationships for too many years. Ultimately, they helped me fuel my negative self-image. Probably staying away for a while and dealing with real women is a good idea. Eventually, you can re-introduce them into your life. IMO, as long as you're a SC regular, you will have an amazingly difficult time developing a real social life.

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NVJosh link=board=1;threadid=1175;start=msg17937#msg17937 date=1074745603
    I agree with MP, too. I used SCs to avoid having to have real relationships for too many years. Ultimately, they helped me fuel my negative self-image. Probably staying away for a while and dealing with real women is a good idea. Eventually, you can re-introduce them into your life. IMO, as long as you're a SC regular, you will have an amazingly difficult time developing a real social life.
    That makes sense, but I'm not a regular SC-goer. I go 5-10 times a year, max, and my previous visit was last fall. In the past they've offered some help in becoming more comfortable with women, and I think there's a little more social practice I could be doing there to gain some experience.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Default Re:Dating

    the only practice you're getting is pulling a $20 bill out of your pocket . it's not really helping you socially. it's really not helping you to become comfortable with women. no matter how infrequently you go to a sc, if you're using it as some sort of measuring stick to chart your social progress. i think that's a big mistake because it really doesn't prepare you at all. all it's doing is giving you a false sense of confidence. a sc is an artificially created social environment. you pay and she performs. if you want a woman to pretend you're charming, a sense of humor, intelligent and have really nice eyes, go to a stripclub. if you want a woman who can hold up her end of a conversation, and think you're special, go to a sc. if you keep using sc's as an indication of your progress, eventually you're going to wind up here.

    keep in mind, that women outside of a stripclub actually expect you to have charm, a sense of humor, and intelligence on some level. i can't help you with the last two characteristics, but you're only going to develop the first one by trial and error. outside of a stripclub, women don't always hold up their end of a conversation (it's like pulling teeth with some women), women aren't always charming or funny themselves, but that's ok because you're not interested in that, right? finally, outside of a stripclub. women aren't always open to being approached by a man, sometimes you have to be able to slip past her defensiveness and establish a rapport and sometimes you to accept that it's not going to happen..............and after going through all of that, you still have to pay for dinner .
    Is it not a problem that the woman have a smaller brain than a man? The government scientist Dr. Yamuka has proved it is size of squirrel. - Borat

    Alan Marciano
    : Oh, man...(to himself) Why did I get mixed up with that bitch?
    Lt. Vincent Hanna: Cause she's got a great ass and you got your head all the way up it! - from the movie "Heat".

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