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Thread: Courting men

  1. #1
    madmaxine
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    Default Courting men

    I have questions for men about when women try to pursue them. Even when I was a geeky little girl, I would get intense crushes on guys, and really be affected by one guy and obsessed by him. Now that I'm grown, but more cynical, I still go after guys, but not with the Romantic idea of a long term relationship....I've found the best guys are hurt when you go after them and then back off or don't try to wrangle them into a long term relationship....any thoughts?
    I have suffocating regret over a guy I dated last fall. He was so great, but I had a flip attitude about anything more than one night stands. I think he'll always see me a certain way for that. I blew it.
    Any thoughts? Feel free......

  2. #2
    Featured Member polecat's Avatar
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    Default Re:Courting men

    Guys kinda have an instilled rule that a woman that pursues him is bad news and should be avoided. But it's the same kind of rule you hear dancers say "I'd NEVER date a customer".. then on occasion here and there, it's broken. Basically, we mortals are weak-minded fools and, on some occasions, say to hell with the rulebook, under the right circumstances.

    Relationship 'wrangling' is all well and good provided: 1) It's not some sort of game, and 2) it doesnt use pissing contests, guilt or other devices to manipulate. Things have to go at their own pace, and if one or both are trying accelerate or adjust that pace, it's bad news.

    If you come on strong, then back-off... guys aren't hurt because of this. They are hurt because they think they've latched onto someone unstable or unreliable. Either you're interested or you're not... and if strong initial interest and pursuit suddenly drops through the floor, the guy is left sitting there scratching his head wondering what's up with this chic. You've manipulated him into forcing a decision... and if he had anything else romantically going on, you've basically tricked him out of it or tricked his focus away from it to a dead end.

    On the one-night stands guy... it's impossible to tell what kind of guy he is, or how that relationship worked: was it a couple one-nighters, or was it basically a "fuck-buddy" kind of relationship.

    From my perspective, the fuck-buddies I have I don't look at them a certain way. They're definately relationship material, but I just don't want to cross that bridge as it would mean risking the loss of a good thing. I have one in particular from down in LA, when she comes up to town, we go out, have a great time, get drunk and stoned and screw like rabbits until she has to leave. We talk on the phone and email, share a lot. It's all good.

    I think what it comes down to is- fear... on both sides. Finding someone compatible in a 'quality time' sense is easy. Companionship, sex, going out, talking, conversation, hanging out... finding people you are compatible in this sense is a piece of cake... and you can even fall in love with them just from this. The problem starts when you discover that finding people you can survive with is a totally different story. The guy/gal you can enjoy a night on the town with, dancing, drinking, hanging out, jungle monkey sex with, etc.etc.- fights, arguments and ugliness ensues when the pace switches to running errands, handling day to day issues, laundry day, work schedules, some degree of lost freedom, and the other parts that get involved in a real relationship. And it most definately eats into the other part of the relationship... usually causing the whole thing to end.

    It's not so much always a case of how people 'look at you'- but instead a cover-up job for fear and insecurity of what the next level may bring... and we all have a colorful and full past of how this has gone in all other cases. This is heightened depending upon how long and how good the lighter relationship has been going. It can just seem to be way more to lose.

    Just my honest $0.02
    It doesn't matter if you're somebody in this world, it rather matters you mean the whole world to somebody.

  3. #3
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re:Courting men

    Either you're interested or you're not... and if strong initial interest and pursuit suddenly drops through the floor, the guy is left sitting there scratching his head wondering what's up with this chic. You've manipulated him into forcing a decision... and if he had anything else romantically going on, you've basically tricked him out of it or tricked his focus away from it to a dead end.
    This is the crux of the matter.

    Pretty much the exact same thing just happened to me a little more than a week ago--lots of interest from her (reciprocated by myself) subsequently followed by a complete turnaround and her absence. And it wasn't me or anything I'd done--I didn't have time to stalk or obsess over her yet!
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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